When does AP become Martyrdom, and how do you prevent that?

[transformed]

I have too many posts today.

But I had to ask you all, because this is something I struggle with every single day.

I struggle with AP because it causes me to not take care of myself. I become a martyr because in order to be "attached" to 3 small children, there just isnt anything left for me.

For example: I co-sleep with my 9 mo old. Because of that, I cannot change positions at night, Nor can I get up to go pee or help one of my other children if they need me. I can't pee. There is something wrong when you are so busy being attached that you cannot have normal bodily functions. :

That is one that happens often actually. Not peeing.

I get very burnt out very fast, and I am changing over to more non-ap tactics just out of pure desperation.

How do you AP without martyring yourself?

[mamabearsoblessed]

I sometimes have a hard time with this too.
Mama.
I'm curious to see how others balance.

[Proudmomoftwinsplusone]

I am by no means an expert and am sure that others will have better advice. But I compromise a lot. For example, my 6 month old spends 2/3 of the night in his crib (when he is sleepiest and doesnt seem to notice that I am not there) and then the remaining 1/3 in bed with me, when he sleeps lightly and keeps waking up for comfort. I am able to pee and occasionally bathe, but it usually involves one or more children in the bathroom with me.

Usually I am somewhat of a martyr on the weekends, but I know that I will be able to recharge during the week when my older two boys go to school.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Do you have a partner? Remember it is attachment PARENTING, not attachment MOTHERING. Can your partner take over tasks just so you have some breathing time? Even though DH does not always do things as I'd do them, I know he loves the kiddos and would not let harm come to them. As he knows the same about me. If you need to pee, then, by golly, get up and use the bathroom--think of it as "potty familiarizations" for your not yet potty-learned kids (they see what is done in there). My kids often follow me in there. If you mean pee at night, I cosleep with my son and if he's still awake and I have to pee, he will follow me to the bathroom. If I can hold out until he is asleep, I can sneak out for a second. Then again, by the time he wakes in the morning, I've already left for work.

[LittleBlessings]

I agree that you need time for yourself. If you do not take that you will burn out.

[ChetMC]

Surprised by this Thread

We're AP because we're lazy. DH comes from a family of engineers. He's all about finding better ways to do things, and AP methods cut out a lot of extra steps.

We started co-sleeping because it was easier than getting in and out of bed at night, or trying to convince a baby to sleep somewhere she didn't want to sleep. When I got pregnant again, and my milk dried up we cursed the time it took to prepare bottles. Gentle discipline and playful parenting techniques actually work and produce children that are pleasant to be around. When things are difficult I remind myself that they are easier than the alternative.

I agree with 2lilsweetfoxes, I can always pee. I don't always pee alone, and I've hardly closed a bathroom door in 4 years, but I pee when I need to.

I have our two oldest kids eat lunch outside to give me a break. I get up before the kids to have some time alone as well. DH helps out a lot too, and we have support from family. You will feel like a martyr if you do it all alone.

I'm all for co-sleeping, but it's important to find a sleep arrangement that works for everybody. If your sleep situation isn't working for you, and you're getting rundown, you need to work on that.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by transformed

For example: I co-sleep with my 9 mo old. Because of that, I cannot change positions at night, Nor can I get up to go pee or help one of my other children if they need me. I can't pee. There is something wrong when you are so busy being attached that you cannot have normal bodily functions. :

That would qualify for me under the "cosleeping has to work for everyone" umbrella and I would be side-carring a crib really quickly or moving the baby over or whatever it would take. What is the exact issue with moving or peeing?

[ElliesMomma]

this is interesting to me as well. i'm already doing *way* more than the "typical" mom who would have weaned *years* ago. who would have "conditioned" the child to sleeping alone in the crib. who would use time outs and baby sitters to catch a break.

as far as DH "attachment parenting" i'm not going to change him. he does things his way, and lets me do things my way. he uses more TV time when he's "watching" DD, and he doesn't keep his eye on her as well as i'd like when we're outside. (she's 2 and we live on 2 acres.)

personally i have a hard time with going all of the way with gentle discipline. i never ever hit her, i wasn't hit myself and i have no inclination in the physical punishment direction. so that part, i am and always was on board with. but i've had to use the "if you don't get into your car seat by the count of three, i'm going to have to put you there" on her. it only took a few times of "forcing" her in, which she didn't like at all, and now she takes it seriously that you have to do it by the time i count to three. i don't like to horse around in parking lots, parking lots are dangerous and when we get to the car, we've got to get in and go, no horsing around.

sometimes i'm just exhausted. i only have the one 2 year old, but i'm 40. i don't know if that makes me more tired or not. i think it makes me more patient in some ways, and i really appreciate having DD in my life, as there were so many years of childlessness for me.

but being a SAHM is a huge sacrifice of "me" time. i grab back a bit of that at night just vegging with the TV after everyone is finally asleep. but the not getting up to pee part i can understand, because if it means disrupting your baby who is finally asleep, then that can mean another half hour or longer of "work" to get them back to sleep. i've learned to drink less water around bedtime so there is less need to go.

it's really tough tough work. i do remind myself that they are only little for a short while and hope that the investment will pay off with attached kids and a lifetime of closeness. here's hoping it's true.

[LauraN]

You start doing the things you need to do. You change positions at night (I sleep with my back to my child sometimes, it's fine), you get up to pee. If the baby wakes, you finish peeing, then you go nurse him back to sleep.

You take time outs during the day. I don't know the ages of your kids, but you set them up with Legos or something and you sit with a cup of tea.

You make the baby work with you. If you need to wash dishes and the baby wants to be held, you put him in a sling and you wash dishes.

You give yourself a break--you realize that nobody is perfect and there will be times when the baby is crying while you're rushing to pee. You forgive yourself and move on.

You don't require yourself to keep up with everything--some days the dishes won't get washed, some days the laundry won't get done. (In my home the laundry *NEVER* gets done by me--DH does it on the weekends.

You remind yourself that your small children will only be small for a short time in the grand scheme of things. There will come a time when they won't need your attention every waking moment.

It's a good reminder for me to write all this out, b/c I've been having a hard time with this issue myself lately...

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

We're AP because we're lazy. DH comes from a family of engineers. He's all about finding better ways to do things, and AP methods cut out a lot of extra steps.

We started co-sleeping because it was easier than getting in and out of bed at night, or trying to convince a baby to sleep somewhere she didn't want to sleep. When I got pregnant again, and my milk dried up we cursed the time it took to prepare bottles. Gentle discipline and playful parenting techniques actually work and produce children that are pleasant to be around. When things are difficult I remind myself that they are easier than the alternative.

I agree with 2lilsweetfoxes, I can always pee. I don't always pee alone, and I've hardly closed a bathroom door in 4 years, but I pee when I need to.

I have our two oldest kids eat lunch outside to give me a break. I get up before the kids to have some time alone as well. DH helps out a lot too, and we have support from family. You will feel like a martyr if you do it all alone.

I'm all for co-sleeping, but it's important to find a sleep arrangement that works for everybody. If your sleep situation isn't working for you, and you're getting rundown, you need to work on that.

ITA.

[FullMetalMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

That would qualify for me under the "cosleeping has to work for everyone" umbrella and I would be side-carring a crib really quickly or moving the baby over or whatever it would take. What is the exact issue with moving or peeing?

I second the side-carring a crib! When I got sick of being sore because I was too afraid to move around at night to risk waking up the babe, I got a crib that came up to the level of the bed and started scooting a foot or so away once she fell asleep. Then I would scoot back over to feed her and the scoot away. Problem solved. And we both were better sleepers because we didn't disturb each other as much. Two weeks after attaching the crib, she also began to fall asleep on her own sometimes, too.

ETA - Ap isn't about running yourself down to a nub so that you can say to yourself, "it's ok because i do all these wonderful things for my kid, i'm not one of those horrible parents who puts all my needs before my child." It's about building a respectful and supportive relationship with your child, so that your child can learn firsthand how valuable and wonderful it is to be compassionate, loving, respectful, warm and thoughtful in their future relationships.

[stickywicket67]

i could not do it without my dh.
and i would lose my mind without my support system of good friends. i ask for help. sometimes ds' godmother will come by and take him for a walk while i do something mindless/peaceful for an hour.

i have only 1 one year old. you are a mama of 3 young children -you have to ask for help! you can't give from an empty pot.

besides the support, which is paramount, i take care of myself. i eat well (breakfast is crucial) and take a magnesium supplement everyday for the relaxation benefits.

i get a massage and/or pedicure every 4-6 weeks or so just for the mental break.

i have one non negotiable rule - i don't leave the house without showering and getting myself together. if i'm home alone with him, ds goes in the pack- n- play for 30 minutes w/ toys (and yes sometimes a video) while i take a shower and get properly dressed for the day.

being a martyr teaches your children that boundaries are unimportant- for themselves and others.

[AngelBee]

[nextcommercial]

I think there has to be a happy middle somewhere.

I personally didn't co-sleep. Simply because I didn't sleep well if I did, so in the end, I am a much better person if I sleep well. My dd would sleep through the night (at least 8 hours) in her own bed if she wasn't disturbed. But, in my bed, she woke often.

I did wear her a lot, but by about seven months, she preferred the floor. (more stuff to get into down there) I only had an Over the shoulder baby holer back then. (no internet to learn about better carriers)

SO.. anyway, my point is, I never had a handle on the whole AP thing, since I didn't even know what it was.

But, My dd fared pretty well, even with me going to the bathroom alone. I had to leave the door open so she could find me if she wanted to, but for the most part she was content with me being gone for a short time.

(showers were different though. I didn't have a bath by myself for three years.)

[magentamomma]

AP is not meant to be Dogma. It is an ideal. Jut like christianity or Buddhism or Islam. We can't all be Jesus or Muhammed or Siddartha. But we try our best.
Sometimes babies have to cry. I couldn't let my first babies do this but I did find that electric swings were a real God send. None of mine have ever CIO but ds cried while I cooked or peed or showered. Those things HAD to get done.
Time out is still gentle if done with love. Boundaries ARE love. Kids have to get clean diapers, and ride in car seats.
When I talk to the hippy moms from the 70's who live in my area, they can't believe we named this way of parenting. They just parented this way. But they didn't freak out. They just did their best. Even when I started parenting time out wasn't taboo. Its getting out of hand in my view. We all survived our childhoods, and speaking for myself mine was f***** up. My kids have it soooo much better, but they will still have tings to complain about to me when they reach adulthood.
WE DO OUR BEST!

[karne]

I would say we've been pretty AP-enough so that I feel very comfortable with how DH and I have parented. Maybe because I came to parenting in my 30's, as opposed to earlier, I had a good sense of myself, my limitations, and what I needed to function well as a SAHM. I could never sacrifice common sense for any principles. It wouldn't cross my mind to make my family miserable in order to co-sleep. Don't get me wrong-we co-slept, still occ. co-sleep as our children need, but it worked for us as a family. When it started not to, we used the crib for a while, and it was OK. I wasn't about to have DH get in a car and commute an hour to work so tired he couldn't focus on driving, which was starting to happen. It defeats the overall goal of being an attached parent if the system is breaking down.

[mamazee]

I can't imagine not getting up to pee at night. I think you just have to pee and let the baby get used to it. You don't need a UTI. And if the baby turns out to be such a light sleeper that he/she doesn't, then maybe a sidecarred crib or co-sleeper is the answer.

[mary3mama]

{{{hugs}}}} mama...

When a mama asks a question like this, she is seriously draining her tank. And I think most, if not all, of us have been there at one point or another.

The last thing I wish to imply with my response is that you are doing anything wrong.

My youngest baby is 21 months old, and I still have to remind myself that it is her job to sleep...not mine to preserve her sleep. So when I need to pee, and my first impulse is, "no, don't move, don't wake the baby," I have to remember, I move in the night without being aware of it...she handles that. Babies evolved to sleep next to mama and deal with the necessary motions, movements and noises associated with doing so. I actually had to get to a place where I began to understood that I was making her a light sleeper by not being natural in my own sleep.

So, while I am not rough in doing so, I do move, I get out of bed to pee, I adjust the covers, I even move her over when she's hogging the bed as she chases me around in her sleep.

And I trust that she can sleep just fine. And, you know what? she's become a sounder-sleeper because I'm not handling her as if her sleep is a fragile thing I must protect.

Too darn bad I didn't figure any of this out earlier...like with the 1st 2 babies...

I know this is only an example of what you are feeling...but nighttime parenting takes alot of work sometimes. And you can't necessarily do it all alone.

How do I keep from feeling like a martyr? First of all, I try to be alone some each day. That's why I'm online now. Each child has had their mama-needs met for the moment...homeschool projects are completed, lunch has been eaten, everyone is sorta 'mama-attentioned-out' for a little bit and I can steal time for myself, even though we're all in one room together.

Next, I remind myself all the time to trust that children don't want or need to be watched and entertained all the time. They come into this world ready (at least almost) to observe the people around them. They want us to be doing interesting things worthy of observation. I love to cook, for example. And I mean really cook, from scratch, with real foods, not mixes. It is a creative outlet for me. So when I cook, it feeds something within my spirit AND gives the children something to observe and, at times, participate in.

I love to read too. And though this can be more challenging, when I am feeling like I'm all used up, I know I need to make time to read, even if it's just a page a day.

I also journal, if not daily, at least regularly.

Lastly, we evolved as human beings utilizing attachment-parenting types of behaviors and it worked for us and we were all bettered by it. BUT these things evolved within community. AP is uplifting when utilized by an intentional, loving group. It can be absolutely draining when practiced in isolation.

If you are going it alone on the AP-path, at least IRL, you are going to feel touched out, worn out and used up on a regular basis.

If you don't have IRL assistance, be extra gentle and patient with yourself. Find ways to recharge. Sneak things in that you do for yourself. In the end, you will be more capable of continuing on your mama-goddess path and be better with your children if you pamper yourself a little.

[TheGirls]

I think you have to prioritize needs - not ALL of the babies needs come before ALL of yours. I only have a 4 month old but I pee (day and night) and roll over when I need to. We have a sidecarred crib which we use sometimes, espeically when I'm really needing some space at night. Sometimes getting up to pee wakes the babe. Then I get up, pee, take a deep breath, and go back to take care of her. During the day, she comes with me, or gets set in the exersaucer for a minute. I know those things area the anti-christ of AP, but sometimes you have to be realistic. 2 minutes in an exersaucer is not going to hurt a kid.

[koalove]

Im only a mother to one child but none the less, i have had a similar problem. i think it was when he was bout a year and a half that i decided that im not the best mom i can be when im fruserated, tired etc. so, it was then that i cut night nursing, put him in a toddler bed right next to mine so i could hold his hand etc when he woke at nite, got some help with a little child care sinse at the time i was a single mom, and actually bought a stroller to occasionally put him in and give my back a break. you gota feel where your limits are. i remember not peeing also, and having a horrible sore back from not changing position out of fear of waking ds. could you move your youngest over just a little so that when you have to get up he wont wake up too? a bigger bed perhaps? a little bed next to yours? you cant be everything to all of them. I have definately slipped into some non AP ways but i know my child is happy and healthy. and im a good mom. in fact im probably better off now that i can function well in the world and be a happy mom.