When does AP become Martyrdom, and how do you prevent that? - Page 3

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by TheGirls

I think you have to prioritize needs - not ALL of the babies needs come before ALL of yours. I only have a 4 month old but I pee (day and night) and roll over when I need to. We have a sidecarred crib which we use sometimes, espeically when I'm really needing some space at night. Sometimes getting up to pee wakes the babe. Then I get up, pee, take a deep breath, and go back to take care of her. During the day, she comes with me, or gets set in the exersaucer for a minute. I know those things area the anti-christ of AP, but sometimes you have to be realistic. 2 minutes in an exersaucer is not going to hurt a kid.

This has been my approach. My son is 27 months now and I remember him crying at night when I got up to pee. It was OK. If I thought he was going to cry too much I brought him with me. If I had other kids in bed and then I'd probably move them out. I know we're kind of moving DS out now. Not that I think that cosleeping with 3 is martyrdom or anything. Just if I felt like I couldn't roll/pee b/c of all the kids in bed then I'd change it.

I know myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm fine to take a break. I have no problem with DS crying with DH (well, not NO problem.. but I've thought about it and decided it's OK. Sometimes I've got to leave). I can just feel it when I need some time alone and then I take it. Crying for a couple of minutes with DH isn't going to kill him. ITA it's attachment parenting, not mothering.

The real key for me is that DS' needs do NOT come first all the time. They can't. The whole house has needs and sometimes (often!) his are at the top of the pile. Sometimes they're at the bottom. We all have to get along. I didn't hesitate much to wean him when it started to feel icky to me (pregnant). I've left him crying in the arms of a friend so DH and I can go on a date (knowing he'd stop crying within a few minutes). I do my best and I believe that the best thing I can do is to put myself first, sometimes.

[Alison's Mom]

It is hard, but I think PPs have given good suggestions to get some help and allow yourself to look after your needs. Seriously, allowing yourself to get burnt out will be even worse in the long run for your family and your children.

I've sometimes felt the way you do, and start feeling sorry for myself. I'm lucky that my DH helps out a lot, and my parents also help out and are wonderfully supportive of the way I choose to parent.

One thing to consider is that children are more resilient than we often give them credit for.

Another thing to consider is 'if you resent it, then change it'. This goes for anything in life, really, not just parenting. But if you really don't like something, then figure out a way to do it differently so your needs are being met as well as your child's.

Ask for help! If you can afford it, perhaps think about getting a mother's helper or sitter for a few hours a week so you can at least run errands by yourself, or do something to recharge your batteries. If not, perhaps there is a friend or neighbour you could do a childcare swap with?

If you need to pee at night, but your child wakes up when move, tell him/her that you are going to the bathroom but you'll be right back. If s/he cries for a couple of minutes, it's not the end of the world.

[irony_optional]

From what I've read of the Sears book, co-sleeping is done so that everyone sleeps better. You're not sleeping better, so don't do it. I don't do it, because I sleep worse with the baby in our bed--can't move, barely sleep for worrying about the covers going over her head, and so on.

And you know what? Most people sleep better alone anyway. I do. I love my husband, but I slept without waking when I was single. Not true with someone else in the bed. It's entirely possible that some children also sleep better alone.

As for the rest of AP, hard to say. My dau is only 3 mos old, so she's pretty much attached to me by necessity. But the Sears book does say that it should be martyrdom. Maybe check the book out and see what they have to say?