Moms who find it easier vs. harder as they grow

[foxtrot]

A question posted here made me decide to ask this as it's something I've pondered often over the last 5 years.

My DS is 5. As he grew I found it easier and easier. I suspect it will continue to get easier until he's a teen and then I just don't know because I've heard that the teen years are the hardest.

My DD is 11 months and having her has confirmed that I'm not just imagining that it's easier with a 5 year old, for me it is so much easier there really is no comparison. And I could list so many reasons why.

Now this is not what I've heard over the years. I hear "it doesn't get easier it just gets different". Not true for me, it has in fact gotten easier. Or I hear "parenting just gets harder as they get older". Again, not my experience at all.

I'm in therapy due to PPD and a lot of my PPD is worsened every time I run into someone who tells me "it just gets harder" because I'm in such a bad place right now. I should know it doesn't get harder for me, but with PPD I can convince myself that maybe this time it will get harder (DD is much harder as an infant than DS was) and then I panic and have anxiety attacks. I've talked to my therapist and she is one of the rare individuals I've run into that agrees with me that it gets easier. She has teenagers too and even says they are easier than babies.

So it's gotten me wondering is it just a personality difference? Are some moms just happier when they are older like I am? And what makes moms like me find it easier? I'm not even sure though I will say that communication is a big reason. The better they can communicate the more at ease I am and the more I enjoy their company. I'm also not happy to be at home and find the early years boring and confining. I think maybe if I could figure out what the difference is I'd be able to not have anxiety attacks when talking to people that say "it just gets harder".

[applecider]

Personally, I do find that it has gotten "easier". This is because I can now sleep for 9 hours straight without having to nurse, I can go all sorts of places very easily, I can take long road trips, I can do "my thing" at home and have my LO easily entertain himself, I can leave him with family for a night and go somewhere with DP...there are tons of reasons.

But honestly, the baby stage is just really hard for me. I'm not really looking forward to it with this next one. But I know that in time, it will get easier, so that makes it easier to deal with.

[the_lissa]

It is definitely personality because every mom I know has a hard age and an easy age. For me, infancy is my favourite age. I find it so easy, instinctual, and happy.

I HATE the 2-4 age. It makes me want to tear my hair out.

[crl]

I only have one and he's 5 now. He's adopted so he came home at age one. It is much easier for me now than when he was younger. I can go to the bathroom without having to take him with me! I get a lot more sleep! He can feed himself so I actually get to eat meals! (I lost 20 pounds the first 3 months he was home because I never ate and he would only go to sleep for naps in the car or stroller so I walked miles a day getting him to sleep.) He can dress himself! He plays by himself for long stretches of time! These are all wonderful things.

He's still a challenge at times for me. But for me this age is the easiest so far. Plus he now goes to preschool for long stretches of time.

I do wonder sometimes if people who found earlier ages easier just had very different children. I think my kiddo was high needs (adopted and special needs) so I think, based on observing and occasionally babysitting other people's kids, that he was more work than a lot of other kids. For example, I knew kids who would sit and color for 20 minutes at a time by themselves when they were 2. Not my kid. No way. If I got 2 minutes of him coloring while I was sitting on the floor doing it with him, it was amazing. At least one of those same kids is now more defiant than mine and so he's more challenging to his mom at age 4 than he was at age 2. . . . Although I think that is more mentally challenging. Physically, he's less work.

[the_lissa]

My oldest is high needs and my youngest isn't. For both of them, I found the baby stage the easiest and toddlerhood the hardest, but so far school age is pretty good so far. ETA; sometimes my high needs school aged child is still harder than my non high needs toddler.

[mustangtbn]

So far, count me in the "it doesn't get easier it just gets different" crowd. At every stage, there are things that change to make it a bit easier and more fun (mostly her growing independence means I can accomplish more of what I need and want to do) and I breathe a sigh of relief. However, at every stage there is also something that changes to make it even harder at the same time, so it pretty much equals out. However, she just turned 2, so I have hopes that it will get easier when she turns 5, or 10 or 15 or 20.

I think a lot of it is the childrens' personalities - high needs, spirited, intense, whatever you want to call it, mine is a challenging kid. She's a blessing, I love her so much and I'm very happy being a Mom. Also, I think her needing so much more from me than the average kid has helped me become a better, more attentive mother than I might have otherwise. At the same time, it would be nice if my next one is mellow. I look at many of my friends and their kids and realize they have no clue what I'm dealing with.

[rebeccalizzie]

I agree, all moms are different. I hate the infant stage. I love my kids, but interrupted sleep makes me a horrible miserable person, and I don't find caring for an infant much fun. I like my kids a lot better once they are 6+ months old, and really it seems to just get better and better for me as they get older. DD is 12 and DS is 2, and I still feel that way--2 is so much fun for me, and so far I'll still take a 12 year old over an infant. We are talking about one more child, and I am just dreading the first few months but after that I love parenting SO much more.

I wonder about the easy vs difficult kids--I think it may be more about the mom, at least IME. DD was a super easy baby, cheerful, slept through the night at 6 weeks, and we lived with my mom so I was able to go out after she was in bed. DS was MUCH more difficult, didn't sleep well, and I had horrible PPD with him for a good 8 months. Totally different experiences, but I still enjoy parenting both of them more and more as they get older.

[dentmom3]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

It is definitely personality because every mom I know has a hard age and an easy age. For me, infancy is my favourite age. I find it so easy, instinctual, and happy.

I HATE the 2-4 age. It makes me want to tear my hair out.

WOW! Such a personal thing! I'd say 2 - 4 is my favorite age! I have a terrible time with infants, especially newborns - now as my youngest has hit 2 I am enjoying parenting more and more every day!

Do I love babies, sure I do. But I love 'em even more when they can communicate more clearly with me. Maybe this means I'm just not good at understanding what a baby is trying to tell me, but it is much easier for me when they speak my language! (or even sign language!)

[Daffodil]

My DD is 5 1/2, and I've found that she has steadily gotten easier and easier. I think the hardest age mostly depends on what the parents find most challenging. For me, the most difficult thing about parenting is the lack of freedom and lack of personal time and space. I find it so incredibly frustrating to be unable to walk across the yard or run upstairs for a minute without a toddler screaming at being left behind. (And insisting on being carried when she could easily just come after me under her own power.) I hate never being able to count on even half an hour to work on something uninterrupted. I hate not being able to go for a walk unless I stick to a paved path and push a stroller, or carry my kid (oh, my back and shoulders!), or creep along at toddler pace. I get tired of the constant requests for interaction, and long for some time to just sit and read a book or think my own thoughts. Older kids can walk everywhere (and never insist they can't and need to be carried.) They can entertain themselves while you do stuff you want to do. They can do fun stuff along with you, like hiking or ice skating.

[angela&avery]

Its easier for me in that they are so self sufficient and night time parenting is less..... night time parenting is sooo hard for me.... we are going to start all over soon and conceive another baby and im a little freaked out about the early stuff!!!! My big kids ARE so easy!!!!


i think it IS harder in a different way, but I think it just depends on your personality.. so what is harder for some is easier for others!

[zinemama]

It is so much easier with a 5 and 8yo. Because they can entertain themselves. I found it so exhausting to have to be "on" every single second, to have them so dependent on me, to have to chase them everywhere and keep them out of danger. To follow them around at the playground (bored me to insanity).

All that is over with. It's so much easier now.

[odenata]

My dd is 3 now, and so far I've found that every stage seems to require me to learn how to parent differently and to react to my daughter in different ways. Three has been a harder age than two for me, but some things are easier. Her self-sufficiency makes things easier, her stubbornness makes things harder.

Mostly, I've found each stage to be a trade-off, where some things get easier, other things harder, and new things arise that you have to learn about.

[Maela]

I only have one child, and she's only 14mo, but it has definitely gotten easier and easier as she grows older. I think it has to do with the mom's personality. I could see how some people would hate the toddler stage; it is a lot of work. But I love this age. SO much easier than babies. I agree with the pp who said that the more they are able to communicate with me about their wants, the easier it gets. I am also dreading the infancy time with the next babe. However, it might be a little easier (I hope!) because Dd was a little high needs.

[NiteNicole]

SO much easier as she gets old. I honestly don't know if I ever want another child because the baby stage was just so hard.

[bdoody11]

Originally Posted by mustangtbn

I think a lot of it is the childrens' personalities - high needs, spirited, intense, whatever you want to call it, mine is a challenging kid. She's a blessing, I love her so much and I'm very happy being a Mom. Also, I think her needing so much more from me than the average kid has helped me become a better, more attentive mother than I might have otherwise. At the same time, it would be nice if my next one is mellow. I look at many of my friends and their kids and realize they have no clue what I'm dealing with.

This is my kid to a T! Thank you, Mustang. I couldn't have written better.

My DD is spirited and very sensitive. She is a joy, but incredibly exhausting. I sometimes look at babies and think, "Oh, it was so much easier back then". Then I think, "Wait! It was never easy". It's not a judgment, just a fact. When you have a kid who barely sleeps, loves to be with you (and test you) constantly, and who just knows what she wants and when she wants 24/7, every stage is a challenge in its own way. Funny story, my best friend has a DD that is 2 years old. She said to me one day, matter-of-factly, "You know, my DD has never had a tantrum." I was like . It just goes to show how different kids can be.

I do expect it to become easier in some ways as she ages. She will sleep through the night one day, she won't need to nurse, she won't need constant physical reassurance from us, etc. I know the intensity of her personality will never change, but as she becomes more congitively and emotionally mature I expect it to be less exhausting.

To the OP, I had PPD as well probably due partly to DDs high needs. I know how debilitating it can be.

[Freefromitall]

I think they are easier the older they get, for me, because they are a little less dependent.

[bri276]

So it's gotten me wondering is it just a personality difference?

yeah, I think so. some people prefer babies, some toddlers, some school aged. everyone's different.

dd is 3 and even though she was a very easy baby, and a much more "spirited" toddler, I think it's much easier every year to take care of her in general because she gets more independent and I get better at being a mom due to more experience. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I know some people who say things like they want to keep them little forever, but I don't feel that way at all. Of course, I love her at every stage, but I had a child to have another person in my family, not to just cuddle a cute little thing, yk?

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Daffodil

My DD is 5 1/2, and I've found that she has steadily gotten easier and easier. I think the hardest age mostly depends on what the parents find most challenging. For me, the most difficult thing about parenting is the lack of freedom and lack of personal time and space. I find it so incredibly frustrating to be unable to walk across the yard or run upstairs for a minute without a toddler screaming at being left behind. (And insisting on being carried when she could easily just come after me under her own power.) I hate never being able to count on even half an hour to work on something uninterrupted. I hate not being able to go for a walk unless I stick to a paved path and push a stroller, or carry my kid (oh, my back and shoulders!), or creep along at toddler pace. I get tired of the constant requests for interaction, and long for some time to just sit and read a book or think my own thoughts. Older kids can walk everywhere (and never insist they can't and need to be carried.) They can entertain themselves while you do stuff you want to do. They can do fun stuff along with you, like hiking or ice skating.

yes, oh yes. I so agree with this post.

DH and I have finally recovered from DS' infancy and toddlerdom (and, objectively, he wasn't a difficult kid at all). We're thinking about trying for another one. DS is 5.5, though and things are *great*. We wonder if we're messing with a good thing . . ..

[Hey Mama!]

I am one who definitely finds it easier rather then harder as they grow. I am not a fan of infants at all, so far my favorite age is the 1-4 range. My oldest is 7 and youngest is 3. Now, all this might go out the window when my 3 girls hit puberty but for me I really enjoy them more and find it easier as they all grow older.

[brackin]

Very interesting discussion! I think there's a definite difference in thinking it's "easier" vs. liking/disliking the stage. For example, I loooove having babies, but it's not easy for me because I need a lot of sleep and don't get it when my babes are tiny. So for me, my children are definitely easier now that they're older, but I didn't enjoy their infancy any less just because it was harder.

I guess this does put me in the "easier as they get older" camp.