S/O What you wish you had known+labor support person

[BrownRiceBaby]

So, the threads on "What you wish you had known" before your first homebirth, and regarding helping to educate your labor support person have been SO helpful, but I do have a slight twist with one of our labor-support people (aside from MW, doula and DH): she *is* a close friend and our "personal" massage therapist (our baby shower gift from her was unlimited pre and post natal massage for both myself and DH) BUT, she has no children of her own, and has never even seen a real, live birth. She has watched some of the videos with us, and is completely on board the HB wagon, so the problem isn't trying to convince her it's a good idea, but to help prepare her not only for sights, sounds and (probably, this is my first, so I'm guessing here!) smells, but for any mood/attitude changes that I would be exhibiting, and things of that nature. We've had her read Gentle Birth Choices, The Birth Book by Sears, and the Bradley Book, and I've also been emailing her links to discussions on here (thanks so much!), but is there anything else we can do to prepare the Birth-Virgin for her very first hands-on experience? HAs anyone else ever had a labor support person who'd never been to a birth before? How did it go? Is there anything you did/did not do that you would or would not recommend?

We chose to invite her to the birth because we know she'd be very helpful to have there, she does have the massage therapist thing going for her, she's a very mellow and calm presence, and we're close enough that I know I won't feel self-conscious in front of her. But I can't help worrying that when the time comes, she'll be a little taken aback, and there will be no one there to reassure her that this is all OK, b/c I'll be busy and I don't want to have to worry about how she's doing, DH will be busy, the doula will be busy, and the MW may not even be there yet! (FYI, we will have our home visit with everyone next week, so she'll be getting lots of info from the MW then. I just want to make sure we're doing as much for her as we can, while we can, since we won't be able to while I'm in labor!)

[dogmom327]

I had my sister at my birth and she did fine (she doesn't have any children and had never attended a birth). I do wish I would have prepped her better (which it sounds like you are doing)...not that she did anything "wrong" but just because I felt kind of bad. She sort of got thrown in. DS came two weeks early (before our meeting with everyone with the MW) and I didn't really get a chance to tell her what I wanted, etc.

[notjustmamie]

I had three support people (plus DH and me) and none of us had been to a birth before. The biggest thing for me was just to make sure they each knew what their role was. One of my friends was a massage therapy student at the time so she was in charge of massage. Another friend was in charge of making sure I had what I wanted to eat or drink. The third friend was in charge of leaving to get stuff, if we needed anything. All three of them came to at least one childbirth class session with us, and I gave them each a copy of our birth plan (we planned a homebirth, but ended up in the hospital).

[jeninejessica]

As a new doula there were a few things I'd suggest- First of all- tell her to TRUST her instincts. In the first two labors I attended, my instinct was telling me mom was ready to push, and was further along that the nurses thought (both were feeling a little out of control, starting to get nauseus, feeling pushy, etc)- they were exhibiting classic transition signs, but I refused to let myself admit it, because the 'professionals' and the 'research' told me it hadn't been long enough. If I had trusted my instincts, both women probably could have started pushing sooner, and been done quicker.

2. Prepare her for transition. Not everyone does transition as an out of control, animalistic phase, but some do- and that can be scary. I myself didn't have any problems with it (although I was very worried I would), but at one of the labors I attended, the laboring woman's mom didn't know what was happening and actually grabbed the nurse with both hands and started screaming about how her daughter was dying, please someone help her, she's dying, she's dying. It was, as you can imagine- very distressing to the woman who was in labor.

Other than that- just watching lots of videos sounds like a good idea. You said you're having a doula so it sounds like your friend won't have to 'do' a lot, or 'know' a lot, other than to just keep talking to you calmly, letting you know how great a job you're doing, talking you through each contraction as it comes. Her loving heart and gentle spirit are what she's bringing to the table, and the massage- well she doesn't need any help with that! Although I may let her know that sometimes women's preferences change during labor, and you may have trouble communicating that- so if she starts doing something (massaging feet for example) and you sharply tell her to stop- then she can't take it personally, you're expressing yourself the way you can at that moment.

[*MamaJen*]

Honestly, the only thing I wanted from my support people during labor was for them to stay the hell away from me and let me have my baby in peace. I thought I'd want everyone all rubbing on my back and all, but I turned out to be a super-private birther.

[BrownRiceBaby]

Thank you all for your tips!

We'll make sure to let her know exactly what we can expect we'll want from her (having never labored before, I know we can't predict what will happen...and even if this was out tenth baby, I know that each birth is different!!), and what her "duties" may or may not entail.

While it had occurred to me to prepare her for the possibility that we may decide we don't want her to come at all, and she'd receive a call saying "The baby's HERE!" instead of "The Baby's coming!", I hadn't thought about not wanting anyone else there in the moment, and sending her away. That's definitely something mention!

Our MW has said that at our home visit (next week!) with everyone, she'd be sure to go over The Rules, which include the fact that no one is allowed to worry but her. Meaning that no matter what I'm doing (screaming, crying, saying I'm going to die, just sitting there zoned out, or whatever) if MW is calm and cool, than everything is fine, and just keep telling me that. Or patting me or leaving me alone, or whatever is appropriate...who knows?

Thank you!!

[ColwynsMommy]

If she'd be up for reading another book, the Birth Partner by Penny Simkin was *awesome* - it discussed what the mom might be feeling/doing at each stage, and also what the birth partner might be feeling/doing. Sort of like.. "If the laboring woman is doing X, you might be feeling Z, wondering Y, doing W, etc." It also has lots of great illustrations for positions and techniques. My husband found it really, really helpful for our homebirth, even though he'd been at my previous two hospital births.

[MsBlack]

Sounds to me like you made a really good choice in inviting her....everyone has to have a 'first time' helping at a birth (if they're ever going to at all). I just tell clients that if they want to invite anyone, even someone whose never helped at birth before, choose people with calm, sensible dispositions. Then, make sure they know the possibilities: what their intended role is, and the fact that they might not get invited after all, might not get to stay after all, might not get to perform the role they were asked to perform, after all. As long as your friend is able to remain detached about all of this--to put you first, and be happy that you even invited her in the first place even if it doesn't go 'as planned', I'm sure she'll do just great.

have a blast!