This is the first time I'm sharing this so openly. Please excuse typos. I'm just trying to get it all out for now and hope that it helps to share with others and find some support.
I gave birth to my son 4 months ago. My state did not allow a midwife to attend a homebirth until a month after my due date. We have no birthing centers, just hospitals. I had no other option but I decided to make the best of it.
My OB scheduled me for an induction due to "low fluid". Come to find out my fluid level was on the lower end of average. It was no where close to worrisome. They scared the heck out of me for the entire last month of my pregnancy.He made a comment about choosing a date and said, "As long as it's not Tuesday. That's my day off." I felt so belittled. I'm so angry for not saying no. I was so scared though. I just kept worrying about my fluid levels and they would tell me all the risks of "going past the due date".
I went for the induction fully intending to do it unmedicated. Each time a nurse walked in though they would look at me and say, "You don't want anything?...why not? Hmmm..." and it would terrify me.
Everything went all wrong. I stayed in bed the entire time. I was hooked to an IV, monitors and I felt so uncomfortable and scared. I've never even been in the hospital before so it was all completely foreign to me. I kept asking tons of questions when they did something and they all treated me like I was five years old. I was being patronized because of it all.
I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip. Then two hours later my OB came in to break my water. The nurse had to hold me down because I was struggling and whimpering so much because it hurt. Cain's head was really low and so he had to use one hand to push Cain's head up a bit while using the other to break my water. It was the most humiliating and traumatizing thing I've ever had happen to me. It hurt so much. Physically and emotionally. Ten minutes later, I asked for an epidural. I wasn't even feeling any sort of physical pain. Lots of tightening and intensity but no pain. I was just scared out of my mind. I was so spent that I didn't want to deal anymore. I remember feeling so disconnected and numb. The fact that I was going to give birth and meet my baby wasn't even in my mind anymore.
The epidural caused my blood pressure to swoop way low and everything started sounding very metallic. Then I lost my vision. I told my husband to go get the nurse because something was wrong. I was terrified that something was happening to Cain so I kept trying to hear his heartbeat on the monitor but I couldn't heart anything at all. I started to vomit and the nurse came in and did some stuff with my IV and made it better. Then said, "That happens sometimes. It's just a normal thing and usually once it happens once, it won't happen again!" She said this cheerfully! I was horrified. This was NOT normal. It was scary and I felt so alone.
When my nurse came in and checked me and said I was "at a ten" and that I could try pushing I remember being amused (in a disgusted way) at the fact that I could have sat there forever not knowing I was even in labor much less that it was time to push. Of course I was on my back, and she coached me but honestly I couldn't feel anything and I had no idea how to push or if I was even pushing so someone HAD to tell me what to do and when to do it. I kept thinking, "This is so stupid..why would they give you something that made giving birth completely impossible." She kept answering her cordless phone and talking to her daughter about lost keys or something WHILE I WAS PUSHING! Then called the doctor and mumbled something about "Might need some help" and I immediately knew she was talking forceps. So I pushed as hard as I could. I just kept thinking about how if I didn't push hard enough, it might end in a c-section. It was barely enough. After three hours of pushing my doctor came in and said, "Have we stopped pushing?" all sarcastically. I was furious. I yelled, "How the hell am I supposed to push when I can't even feel anything?" He just laughed at me. I guess he thought I was kidding.
He immediately got the forceps out and held them up and explained how they worked..I guess to make me feel better about the whole ordeal or something. It didn't help. The forceps tore me pretty badly and they scraped the skin off of the side of poor Cain's beautiful little head.
It gets a little better from here. Cain crowned and they let me hold onto him as he slid out. They immediately put him on me and asked me if I wanted them to bathe him or just get him a warm blanket. I asked for the blanket. They let me hold off all the routine weighing and measuring for as long as I wanted. I held him and nursed him and talked to him for almost three hours and then they weighed him and checked him over right there in my room. The nurse asked to bathe him and although I found it kinda odd (Don't spread birth germs! lol), I said okay.
I'm trying to deal with this as best as I possibly can. It hurts though. I have no one to talk to about it besides my husband. Everyone else just says, "Well at least he's healthy. Some babies aren't so lucky!" and I realize that. I am so grateful and joyful that he is healthy and happy and amazing. That's not my point though. This was supposed to be something sacred and spiritual and special. It was supposed to be peaceful and good. Instead it was scary and painful. I was intimated by everyone and the environment. I was completely out of control. I feel so empty about it. Then I feel like an ungrateful brat when other people act like I'm being silly about it all.
Honestly I've tried not to think about it at all for the past four months but it's starting to become impossible to avoid. I've started having nightmares about it. I think I'm finally realizing that it's a part of my PPD as well. I just feel so alone and I'm hurting so bad. Everything went wrong and I'm so angry with myself for not saying no! I'm angry at myself for allowing them to control me and influence me simply because I'm young and they're doctors. I'm angry at them because they were supposed to have my best interest and my baby's best interest at heart. Instead he manipulated me for his own convenience. I'm disappointed in myself as a mother. In short, I'm just really hurting.
So I guess I'm just looking for some support or even just a chance to share and possibly heal a little from the sharing.
Thank you for reading.
Jamie
I gave birth to my son 4 months ago. My state did not allow a midwife to attend a homebirth until a month after my due date. We have no birthing centers, just hospitals. I had no other option but I decided to make the best of it.
My OB scheduled me for an induction due to "low fluid". Come to find out my fluid level was on the lower end of average. It was no where close to worrisome. They scared the heck out of me for the entire last month of my pregnancy.He made a comment about choosing a date and said, "As long as it's not Tuesday. That's my day off." I felt so belittled. I'm so angry for not saying no. I was so scared though. I just kept worrying about my fluid levels and they would tell me all the risks of "going past the due date".
I went for the induction fully intending to do it unmedicated. Each time a nurse walked in though they would look at me and say, "You don't want anything?...why not? Hmmm..." and it would terrify me.
Everything went all wrong. I stayed in bed the entire time. I was hooked to an IV, monitors and I felt so uncomfortable and scared. I've never even been in the hospital before so it was all completely foreign to me. I kept asking tons of questions when they did something and they all treated me like I was five years old. I was being patronized because of it all.
I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip. Then two hours later my OB came in to break my water. The nurse had to hold me down because I was struggling and whimpering so much because it hurt. Cain's head was really low and so he had to use one hand to push Cain's head up a bit while using the other to break my water. It was the most humiliating and traumatizing thing I've ever had happen to me. It hurt so much. Physically and emotionally. Ten minutes later, I asked for an epidural. I wasn't even feeling any sort of physical pain. Lots of tightening and intensity but no pain. I was just scared out of my mind. I was so spent that I didn't want to deal anymore. I remember feeling so disconnected and numb. The fact that I was going to give birth and meet my baby wasn't even in my mind anymore.
The epidural caused my blood pressure to swoop way low and everything started sounding very metallic. Then I lost my vision. I told my husband to go get the nurse because something was wrong. I was terrified that something was happening to Cain so I kept trying to hear his heartbeat on the monitor but I couldn't heart anything at all. I started to vomit and the nurse came in and did some stuff with my IV and made it better. Then said, "That happens sometimes. It's just a normal thing and usually once it happens once, it won't happen again!" She said this cheerfully! I was horrified. This was NOT normal. It was scary and I felt so alone.
When my nurse came in and checked me and said I was "at a ten" and that I could try pushing I remember being amused (in a disgusted way) at the fact that I could have sat there forever not knowing I was even in labor much less that it was time to push. Of course I was on my back, and she coached me but honestly I couldn't feel anything and I had no idea how to push or if I was even pushing so someone HAD to tell me what to do and when to do it. I kept thinking, "This is so stupid..why would they give you something that made giving birth completely impossible." She kept answering her cordless phone and talking to her daughter about lost keys or something WHILE I WAS PUSHING! Then called the doctor and mumbled something about "Might need some help" and I immediately knew she was talking forceps. So I pushed as hard as I could. I just kept thinking about how if I didn't push hard enough, it might end in a c-section. It was barely enough. After three hours of pushing my doctor came in and said, "Have we stopped pushing?" all sarcastically. I was furious. I yelled, "How the hell am I supposed to push when I can't even feel anything?" He just laughed at me. I guess he thought I was kidding.
He immediately got the forceps out and held them up and explained how they worked..I guess to make me feel better about the whole ordeal or something. It didn't help. The forceps tore me pretty badly and they scraped the skin off of the side of poor Cain's beautiful little head.
It gets a little better from here. Cain crowned and they let me hold onto him as he slid out. They immediately put him on me and asked me if I wanted them to bathe him or just get him a warm blanket. I asked for the blanket. They let me hold off all the routine weighing and measuring for as long as I wanted. I held him and nursed him and talked to him for almost three hours and then they weighed him and checked him over right there in my room. The nurse asked to bathe him and although I found it kinda odd (Don't spread birth germs! lol), I said okay.
I'm trying to deal with this as best as I possibly can. It hurts though. I have no one to talk to about it besides my husband. Everyone else just says, "Well at least he's healthy. Some babies aren't so lucky!" and I realize that. I am so grateful and joyful that he is healthy and happy and amazing. That's not my point though. This was supposed to be something sacred and spiritual and special. It was supposed to be peaceful and good. Instead it was scary and painful. I was intimated by everyone and the environment. I was completely out of control. I feel so empty about it. Then I feel like an ungrateful brat when other people act like I'm being silly about it all.
Honestly I've tried not to think about it at all for the past four months but it's starting to become impossible to avoid. I've started having nightmares about it. I think I'm finally realizing that it's a part of my PPD as well. I just feel so alone and I'm hurting so bad. Everything went wrong and I'm so angry with myself for not saying no! I'm angry at myself for allowing them to control me and influence me simply because I'm young and they're doctors. I'm angry at them because they were supposed to have my best interest and my baby's best interest at heart. Instead he manipulated me for his own convenience. I'm disappointed in myself as a mother. In short, I'm just really hurting.
So I guess I'm just looking for some support or even just a chance to share and possibly heal a little from the sharing.
Thank you for reading.
Jamie
I have got to quit lurking in this forum. It's so sad to read stories like this.
:
I understand how you feel, I birthed my son in the hospital 6.5 years ago and I still get shakey when I get worked up relating the details. It is sad that most mothers I know kinda shrug and act like *yeah, so*- but it's NOT right!!! They wanted all those interventions, I didn't but got them anyways AGAINST my will! I went to the hospital to give birth because I thought that is what a responsible loving mother does- goes to the safest place to give birth. But I felt fooled. The things they did actually endangered me and my child.
