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-,-@ TTC for 12+ Months | October Thread @-,- - Page 5

post #81 of 159
I am in a bad bad mood and just pissed off and glum. We have done this for so f-ing long.
Just learned another aquaintance is pregnant- I won't even mention her bad habits and her husband's bad habits- yet they conceived almost immediettely.

I don't even have medical insurance- if I did I think I would go to the RE already, but it is all so expensive. And I really wanted to keep my conception at home.

PoetGirl I wish you the best sucess with your next step. I know it is so hard I hope you feel at peace with the road you took to get here as this is the only time you feel ready to do that.

I was thinkng about this last night- this feeling many of us have of "it's too late".
I feel like I started out this journey with that sort of disposition! I feel like our culture pushed that on us- things have to happen quickly, do it while you are young.
But so what if this is the time I am starting my family? So what that I didn't start in my 20's cause I wasn't emotionally ready then?!
I am just all sorts of glum right now.
post #82 of 159
It's so d*mn hard when people get pregnant so easily, isn't it? It irks the hell outta me, especially when I know it was unwanted or a surprise ot they have some awful habits or whatnot. :
post #83 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItyBty View Post
It's so d*mn hard when people get pregnant so easily, isn't it? It irks the hell outta me, especially when I know it was unwanted or a surprise ot they have some awful habits or whatnot. :
Yis. It sounds horrible to say so, but... man, it cuts, you know?
post #84 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItyBty View Post
It's so d*mn hard when people get pregnant so easily, isn't it? It irks the hell outta me, especially when I know it was unwanted or a surprise ot they have some awful habits or whatnot. :
Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
Yis. It sounds horrible to say so, but... man, it cuts, you know?
Yes. Yes, it does. *sigh*
post #85 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie34 View Post
I am in a bad bad mood and just pissed off and glum. We have done this for so f-ing long.
Just learned another aquaintance is pregnant- I won't even mention her bad habits and her husband's bad habits- yet they conceived almost immediettely.

I don't even have medical insurance- if I did I think I would go to the RE already, but it is all so expensive. And I really wanted to keep my conception at home.

PoetGirl I wish you the best sucess with your next step. I know it is so hard I hope you feel at peace with the road you took to get here as this is the only time you feel ready to do that.

I was thinkng about this last night- this feeling many of us have of "it's too late".
I feel like I started out this journey with that sort of disposition! I feel like our culture pushed that on us- things have to happen quickly, do it while you are young.
But so what if this is the time I am starting my family? So what that I didn't start in my 20's cause I wasn't emotionally ready then?!
I am just all sorts of glum right now.
Thanks Katie. I've thought a lot yesterday about whether I would ever have done anything differently. DH and I have been married for 8 yrs, ya know. But when we were first together, I felt like I had tons of unresolved issues w/ my mom and v. strongly did not want to repeat certain cycles, so I did a lot of therapy, years, to try to be in a healthier place as a woman for motherhood. I do not regret that, I view it as my first maternal act, felt protective. Then DH went through a horrible chronic pain trauma that lasted three yrs. It was awful, we couldn't have seen it coming or control that it came and it was v. much not appropriate during that time to start a family. That would have threatened our marriage, so while I wish it was different, I guess I can't say we screwed up there either. The second I saw signs of improvement, bam, we were trying. So, ultimately, I did the best I could.

I also want to say I hope I haven't stressed anyone out because I am dealing w/ significant age-related fert. issues. My sense is that this degree of a problem is not very common.

In terms of no insurance, ouch, yes that's hard. Most of us that have it don't have fert. coverage so a lot of it is out of pocket anyway, but it's hard. I learned of a link where you can request labs on your own www.privatemdlabs.com if you want to check something, but your lack of coverage is holding you back. Also, if you see a naturopath, they can do certain tests too. IF it's useful.

Lastly, it is very painful to see folks who don't much care about parenthood and/or have treated their bodies very poorly conceive with ease. I am so sorry we see it over and over...
post #86 of 159
Re: the whole regret/guilt/making peace thing... I think once you near or pass the 12-month mark, you do a lot of taking stock and introspection that you probably wouldn't have gone through otherwise. Or at least I did. I went through a lot of "what ifs" ... what if I had started trying five years ago, etc. Of course, there are good reasons why I made those decisions, and I think they still stand up. And there's no guarantee that anything would have been different. But there's no avoiding the introspection ... I guess that extra self-awareness if just one of the "benefits" of our endless TTC journey.

The only thing I regret is, in hindsight I wish I had started charting much earlier. I was holding on to the hope that everything would be "easy," and now I'm a year into this still wondering what the heck is up with my cycles and if I'm even ovulating properly. :

Quote:
Originally Posted by poetgirl View Post
Lastly, it is very painful to see folks who don't much care about parenthood and/or have treated their bodies very poorly conceive with ease. I am so sorry we see it over and over...
Yup, never gets easier, does it?
post #87 of 159
post #88 of 159
Ok this is kindof weird: I got DH an at home semen test- called "preconceive male fertility test" and he took it last night.
IT was really vague to interpret- it is if the second circle becomes as dark or darker than the test circle then you have high sperm concentration- it came with 2 tests- but his was actually lighter than- so I guess low sperm concentration.
Hmmm . . ..
Weird.
My reaction: I had been trying to get him to do a s/a for a while and he was always like- okay, sure- but he is pretty mellow and doesn't get too eager to jump into things so he kindof never got around to it. So he finally did and I was really surprised to see if he had a problem.
But I am reluctant to put too much stock into this vague at home test, so I am scheduling him a doctor s/a for next week.
but it is weird to consider that he might be part of the problem.
Because I have read books and stories about men having low sperm counts and such and yet easily conceiving. And he has nothing that would seem to make him have any problems.

Anyway- I had thought all along that it is me with the problem. Now I wonder about itt all.

By the way- yes we are stupid for waiting this long to take his test
post #89 of 159
Not stupid, Katie.

We are going to do the Fertell SA test tonight and I am extra nervous. All DH is thinking about is how I'm going to "help" him by talking dirty (like he needs the help >.<). I know with that test that it works basically like a pg test, if there's a line there's a line and the result is good. (Thanks poetgirl, by the way <g>). Still... this evening can't get here fast enough. It's making me so anxious. Plus I will be getting a 21 day progesterone test this cycle, and then more next cycle if it doesn't happen this time... it's so stressful.

Bleh. :
post #90 of 159
just dropping by to pass on some baby dust and offer hugs to you all. Tiara, Jennifer and ItyBty, I think of you girls often.
post #91 of 159
Katie, and
I'm very sorry the test indicated there could be a problem. Please don't beat yourself up over not doing it earlier. As I understand, most women have a tough time actually getting their DH's to follow through on testing, and it's amazing how we all seem to assume the blame ourselves when it's not working. I can tell you that maca did wonders for my dh's count. It was fair but I was having so much trouble I made him take it to have one of us be tip-top. It's a powder, he adds it to his cereal. Also, there are 3 amino acids people recommend all the time for guys...i think it's L-taurine, L-arginine and L-carnitine, and also selenium and zinc and a high antiox multivitamin.
I'm hoping the best for your next steps here. It's great that you have been taking such good care of yourself. Keep on keeping on...

Tenk, Thanks for checking in...it's really nice to be remembered.
post #92 of 159
Heya Tenk. I think I started posting on the TTC boards right as you got your BFP last year. Hi!

I am kind of annoyed 'cause the Fertell test didn't work at all for DH -- no control line, and we followed the directions to a T. Supposedly they'll send a replacement, it's just... ugh, more waiting, you know? And by the time it would arrive and be good to take, it'll be around O-time for me. So we might have to wait quite a while. Feh. Oh well, it's OK. Patience is a virtue (which I sorely lack).

poetgirl, I love your signature - the "It's Autumn. I return to the Source." I have been drinking a tea that is a blend of roots, and meditating on that... like, giving energy to what's under the surface rather than focusing on the showy tops. The herbalist who made it actually calls it the Ishtar blend, which I think is cool. Down down down, to come back up with renewed knowledge and vigor.
post #93 of 159
BFN this morning at 10 dpo then a little blood on TP this afternoon. I have other signs of impending AF, so that really sucks. It is so hard to tell yourself to cope with the fact that, once again, this is not THE cycle. I know that it is possible that this is implantation bleeding, but everything (in my head) tells me that it is not; my heart , however, hangs on to hope until the very end.
post #94 of 159
: for mayflowers - I wish none of us had to deal with BFN

Tenk! Hi hi! You're babies are all gorgeous - I'm hoping your fertility rubs off on me :
post #95 of 159
I still feel pretty strongly that my man's sperm are abundant and well. I think this little at home test thing was kindof weird and vague.

Anyway- whatever the source of this long struggle- who knows!

I was talking to a friend last night about how people deal with trauma- and how we can kindof freeze up and go into our old patterns- I dunno.
Sometimes I tihnk my inability to conceive as of yet has mostly to do with this kindof anxiety and fear I personally have about being in the world/.
But DH is the opposite of that- he is really calm- so wouldn't that balance that out?!

I just think physical stuff is totally connected to spiritual-life journey stuff. But the danger in that is playing the self blame and compare oneself to others game.

Many people have had messed up patterns and a pregnancy forced them to get better, too.
Many people have all kinds of issues but those babies just come on in.
mmmmm(soft groan).
Well I am off to babysit two adorable little ones. At least it get my mind of my own self for a bit!
post #96 of 159
FWIW, I hate any kind of test that requires comparing two lines. I tried OPKs like that, and would always get negatives, then I got a positive digital result using the same pee (it was in a cup). I wouldn't put too much stock into this at-home test; wait and see what the lab results show. Besides, don't doctors' SAs test a whole bunch more stuff than just number of sperm, like sperm quality and stuff? Hopefully the lab tests will prove your home test wrong... but even if it doesn't, then maybe it will give you something to work with, yk? One of the most frustrating aspects of my own infertility/ repeat mcs was when they just couldn't find ANYTHING wrong...
post #97 of 159
WeasleyMom That IS frustrating that you can't inpoint the problrm.:
I find that happens so often in my experience with medicine. I generally have not that great feelings aobut the current state of the medical industry, but that may be because whenever I have an illness I feel that I have to look all around and triple check everyone to get answers. That would be different if I had one good doc I could vest in.

I recommend the autobiography of singer Tori Amos. She is so cool, I think. Anyway- I guess she had 3 miscarriages along the way to having her daughter, and she speaks of her jpiurney in her book. It's a powerful read I tihnk anyway.

It is all such a mystery sometimes.
post #98 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeasleyMum View Post
FWIW, I hate any kind of test that requires comparing two lines. I tried OPKs like that, and would always get negatives, then I got a positive digital result using the same pee (it was in a cup). I wouldn't put too much stock into this at-home test; wait and see what the lab results show. Besides, don't doctors' SAs test a whole bunch more stuff than just number of sperm, like sperm quality and stuff? Hopefully the lab tests will prove your home test wrong... but even if it doesn't, then maybe it will give you something to work with, yk? One of the most frustrating aspects of my own infertility/ repeat mcs was when they just couldn't find ANYTHING wrong...
: See what happens with the formal SA. It will be much more comprehensive.

Sorry Mayflower. Hugs to you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
poetgirl, I love your signature - the "It's Autumn. I return to the Source." I have been drinking a tea that is a blend of roots, and meditating on that... like, giving energy to what's under the surface rather than focusing on the showy tops. The herbalist who made it actually calls it the Ishtar blend, which I think is cool. Down down down, to come back up with renewed knowledge and vigor.
Thanks Binkin! I love how you explained yourself here. I love autumn, just makes me want to plant myself right in with the roots. I've been drinking a ton of red rasp. leaf and false unicorn tea pre-O then lots of nettle tea after O. I know Katie's drinking a root-tea now too. for deep earthy root drinks.
post #99 of 159
Well, I'm officially taking a break. I don't know what happened but me and DH kinda were mad at each other (not b/c of TTC) and I was already upset and I lost it. I just started bawling. I took all my TTC stuff (thermometer, notebook of temps, pills, vitamins, pill organizer, pregnancy tests) and I threw them all away. I know a waste huh. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Every single friend I have is preggo or just had a baby. I don't have a single friend who is not a momma. It's very sad. It's getting to me. DH doesn't know i threw it all out yet but he will when he takes out the trash. I'll stilll hang around here until I can get myself under some sort of control. Plus I really enjoy reading all the posts. Hopefully whatever this is will go away.
post #100 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by cak1207 View Post
Well, I'm officially taking a break. I don't know what happened but me and DH kinda were mad at each other (not b/c of TTC) and I was already upset and I lost it. I just started bawling. I took all my TTC stuff (thermometer, notebook of temps, pills, vitamins, pill organizer, pregnancy tests) and I threw them all away. I know a waste huh. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Every single friend I have is preggo or just had a baby. I don't have a single friend who is not a momma. It's very sad. It's getting to me. DH doesn't know i threw it all out yet but he will when he takes out the trash. I'll stilll hang around here until I can get myself under some sort of control. Plus I really enjoy reading all the posts. Hopefully whatever this is will go away.
I am sorry to hear that you are so down
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