House of Slobs - Page 2

[Ahappymel]

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[journeymom]

Besides, the potty issues are only a piece of this puzzle.

I agree. Separate the urine and feces issues from his bad attitude about house work and his responsibilities. His pooping and peeing anywhere other than a toilet needs to be of primary importance.

I'm absolutely baffled and grossed out about bottles and pans of waste. That's just so unacceptable. It's lazy and creepy and it has to stop. Did he do this kind of thing when he was a kid? Seriously, really little children are sometimes fascinated with their poop. Was he traumatized when he was little?

Can't get back to sleep: so? Welcome to the real world. Meditate. Count sheep. Stay awake and COPE. Peeing in a bottle is just disgusting.

The reason I'm laying into him so much is to stir you up. I think the equitable house cleaning issue is very important. But this habit of his is utterly bizarre and that you've put up with it AT ALL suggests that you may have lost perspective. He certainly has, if he's come to believe that putting his crap anywhere other than the toilet is okay.

[AngelBee]

I am feeling the same way right now. It is crap.

[phatchristy]

This is SO very wrong. He needs to do his part. Somehow he needs to get straightened out and he should be doing his part of the household.


This has to be so stressful and overwhelming for you. And, my DH is sort of the same way in that his grandmother and mother used to do most of the stuff growing up. The only 'chores' he did was mow the lawn when he got older. Which left him pretty much knowing how to do nothing when he got older, went to college. He can't cook, has pretty much no cleaning skills. Thankfully I will get him started with things, and he has learned how to do some stuff over the years. All kiddos should help out...boys and girls and they should start young.

How about your older DC, I read you have a 7 y.o. Children can do some things as well. But, both you and DH need to model good behavior. They're going to grow up thinking this is normal. Even worse, he is teaching your daughter how a husband should treat a wife. If it were me, that would bug me a lot.

You're supposed to be a team, and that means all of you work towards adding positively to the household. He doesn't sound like he's a team player. Which is a great analogy that I use when I talk to my DH about this kind of stuff as he's really into sports! Some men are of the attitude that they "work" and their wives stay home and should do everything. : Both of you should be putting 150% into your marriage and your family life, and it sounds like you're putting in your full energy and he's not lifting a finger.

And, something needs to *shock him* into reality, right now, to me it sounds like he's just letting the daily momentum carry him through his typical behavior.

[Ahappymel]

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[journeymom]

Many to you.

[Fuamami]

Was he born in America? Was he raised in a different culture? I ask because sometimes different cultures have different attitudes about their bodily waste.

[captain crunchy]

Those behaviors sound completely disgusting and unacceptable. I am not trying to make you feel worse mama just confirming that you are in fact, *not* crazy or overreacting as your husband says (which in itself is a form of abuse).

I mean, urinating and deficating all over the place??? The fact that they are "in things" (like that makes it better) is not an excuse imo.

I dunno, to me it sounds like some very serious mental health issues. I could not for one second imagine my husband doing something like that -- unless it were a dire emergency (have to pee and in the middle of nowhere on a road trip or something). My husband is far from perfect so I am not trying to say his s--- doesn't stink (no pun intended lol) but seriously, I would be in utter and total *shock* (and disgust!) if he did some of the behaviors you mentioned then tried to convince me *I* was the crazy one.

I almost thought these posts were troll posts until I saw your post count!!

I hope you sort this out soon mama

[mommaof3boz]

I can't even imagine what you are dealing with...now tell us his GOOD qualities...there has to be a reason you are in this relationship.

[Ahappymel]

Originally Posted by mommaof3boz

I can't even imagine what you are dealing with...now tell us his GOOD qualities...there has to be a reason you are in this relationship.

No, I'm not a troll, unfortunately LOL
Okay, his GOOD qualities (I'm just going to put these up as they pop into my brain):

1) Vegetarian like me.
2) Very active with the kids
3) Smart.
4) Can be very kind most of the time.
5) Handsome
6) He does work very hard at whatever is in front of him (even if he neglects a bunch of other stuff to get it done).

[Ahappymel]

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[Ahappymel]

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[wendyland]

My dh has some gross habits that I'm not proud to post about and he doesn't suffer from depression. I guess we just have different standards. My biggest issue is that he blows his nose all the time. Allergies, I guess. He uses whatever is around. His socks, his shirts. Then, he folds them up and leaves them on the couch and other places in the living room. I don't know what I can touch or what's going to be wet. I'm considering designating a little basket by the couch that is for his yucky stuff.

He's also not bothered by clutter like I am. He does vacuum, sweeps sometimes, does the dishwasher, and takes out trash and little box. Other than that, the rest is all me. I get a little disgruntled since I work full time. He stays home with the baby, but she naps 3 -4 hours a day. He'll normally nap instead. Really ticks me off.

Thanks for letting me vent. I've been following your post since yesterday and wanted to say that I understand. I'm sure he has good qualities and so does my husband. I love him regardless. I hope your husband can realize what you go through or can at least find some balance.

[kittysmama]

I agree that the bodily waste issue is so far from normal that you have to address it separately from the clutter/sharing of chores. It needs to stop, period. It is a health issue for everyone in the house. Throw out the bedpan and bottles so that they are no longer an option. What is your rx like with your in laws? It might be worth enlisting their help to stage some sort of intervention so that he gets a mental health evaluation.

Starting to have people over, often, might be a good strategy for helping to curb some of the behavior but won't address the underlying causes. When did he stop using the toilet regularly? Since you had to go back to the storage unit right away when he remembered, it seems like he understands that his behavior is socially unacceptable, but then why is it acceptable in your home? That is the disconnect that I don't get.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this unnecessary stress.

[Ahappymel]

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[rachelagain]

I was married to a guy with a similar attitude about me cleaning. If I said anything about his garbage- he would lay into me and turn it around- in the end, I would be the one apologizing. It was really wrong. He was much more on the abusive side, and I'm sorry, I don't have a happy ending. (But I will say that there were alot of other issues- not just the cleanliness one)
I know alot of it had to do w/ him not having to clean up after himself as a child/young adult- his mom did everything for him. Including removing things from his pockets when washing clothes. I washed his wallet so many times it's unbelievable- and yes, each time it was "my" fault.
I really believe that the person who is bothered is the person who should do something about it, (Though, I wouldn't say bodily waste is included in this) so for myself, if the dishes aren't done- I do them. Why? well, dh would let them all be used up b/f he would wash them. I can handle that- we have different levels of cleaning desires.
What would bother me is if his "desires" were higher than mine but he was was the one leaving the clothes on the floor, coffee cups out, wrappers places, etc. and then he would blame it on me.
I've been there. It is not an easy place to be. It did help me to get counseling and realize what is normal and that I didn't need to feel guilty about his behavior/actions- b/c I didn't cause it (like he was telling me).
I'm sorry you have to nag, (be his brain right now) but it is an encouraging step that he is willing to make.
Keep at it-- and try to focus on those good things about him. Also- if you can try to let him know that a clean house makes you feel more "in the mood". When he does clean up his own mess, plant one on him and let him know how much you appreciate that. Sounds like this is just one of those things that you guys have to work through- and your marriage will be stronger when it is all said and done.
*hugs!*

[McFeelings]

I think your list is a good one. Would you consider implementing one item at a time though? That way it wouldn't seem like such an overwhelming indictment on your DH.

My vote to go first would be that bodily waste goes in the toilet at first opportunity. If your DH needs to put it into a container first (which I think is rediculous for a 7 year old, much less a grown man) so be it, but then it goes directly into an appropriate place. Same with diapers.

I've been guilty of forgetting a dirty diaper while chasing a toddler down to put on pants but there is no reason that a healthy grown person shouldn't clean up his or her own bodily waste immediately.

[doubledutch]

i love your "family basics" list and in no way do i think you need to do it one step at a time. this is a short, simple list of basic things that you each must do. it will be nice for you to have each of these as sort of mantras, so you don't feel like you're nagging. you can simply repeat "we put our trash in the trashcan" rather than having to say "you left your trash on the floor" for example.

imo, this *is* taking it one step at a time. step 1 is having him take responsibility for basic picking up after himself and setting that example for the kids in the shared areas of the house. steps 2 and 3 would be getting him to clean and maintain *his* area of the house & getting him to contribute to other housekeeping tasks like vacuuming, in either order.

i also want to say, i can become frustrated and vent about my dh in a way that makes him sound like the laziest, flakiest, most unworthy bastard on the planet. he is truly an asshole sometimes, and he's very childish. like your dh, he doesn't fight fair and some of the things he says could probably sound abusive on paper when it's not like that in reality. but . . . he has many good qualities and i love him. we have our ups and downs, so i understand your desire to bring your family back up to where you know you can be again. just remember to take care of yourself too - the work you're putting into your marriage and your home and your little ones (and your work!) takes a lot of energy and sometimes you need to refuel.

[goldfinch]

Does your DH have ADHD? Focusing so intently on what one is doing that one can't use a nearby bathroom, and then forgetting that as a result there's a bottle of urine or a "mud pie" to deal with -- to me, that sounds like it fits in with what I've heard about ADHD. Intense concentration on one activity to the exclusion of all others... and forgetfulness as one's attention passes (no pun intended) on to the next thing.

I also ask because you mention that he has an ability to focus on what's right in front of him even if other things should be higher priorities. This, I think, is an ADHD quality as well.

I offer this idea not as an excuse but as an attempt at some kind of explanation of why he would behave like this. I find the excrement & urine portion of the situation absolutely incredible.

I know that the potty problem only part of the situation, and maybe not the biggest part, but to me it's the part that takes the whole thing out of the realm of "normality" and hints at something else. I've just never heard of grownups, aside from some gambling addicts, actively choosing not to use the bathroom.

[kittysmama]

I think your list is a good place to start, as far as household rules go, but there is something more than "needing reminding" going on - adults should not need reminders about using the toilet. I would focus on that as non-negotiable, it is a health hazard and is much more of an immediate problem than clutter. There shouldn't BE "pee bottles", KWIM? I am worried that the pictures might actually be helping you to normalize behavior that is NOT normal and that, quite frankly, seems hostile to you and your children, or a clear sign of mental illness. If he understands that it's not ok to leave human shit outside of a storage unit for strangers to find, why is it ok to have urine in bottles in your house? I have never heard of an adult behaving that way who has access to a toilet, homeless people and those suffering from dementia excepted. What would you think if your boss behaved that way in the office, for example or your child's teacher at school? That (s)he was crazy, right? Nasty habits are things like drinking out of the milk carton. He needs help and since you are a functional adult, you need to get it for him. This is not behavior that your children should be exposed to (they are already starting to copy it) and it does not seem like it is getting better without treatment. http://www.psychnj.org/psych/signs.htm (note that toilet training reversal is a cause for concern in children, never mind adults) I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, but addressing it has the potential to make life so much better for all of you.