Hand-me-down etiquette

[BarefootScientist]

What is the etiquette if you are getting just TONS of hand-me-downs you don't want? My SIL has a DS about 3 years older than mine and my MIL is passing along all his old clothes. At first, when they gave me three big boxes of newborn-3 month clothes I kept them all, having no idea how many clothes we would actually need. When I realized what they gave us was about 30 TIMES as much as we actually needed, I went through it all and took a big trip to the thrift store. I kept just a few things in each size in case we have another baby.

But now I'm wondering if that was the right thing to do. MIL lives 1000 miles away so she may never know, but if my other SIL has a baby, will I be expected to still have all these clothes and pass them on down? Is it ok to take them to the thrift store and get rid of them?

We just got two more boxes by UPS today and I am wondering what to do. They are sizes 12 months to 2T. It is nice because we were needing some pants, but holy $*#*! In the 12-month size there are six pairs of shorts, six shirts, four jackets, eight onesies, and nine pairs of pants! And that's the size he's just growing OUT of so you can imagine how many clothes there are from the bigger sizes! My DS has more wardrobe changes than Paris Hilton!

What should I do? I don't have room to store all these clothes and he will never wear them all. I am overwhelmed looking at them in piles all over my living room. Help!

And someday I will learn how to write briefer posts....

[EviesMom]

I have the same problem with a relative who has twins, so she hands down boxes and boxes of stuff. I would just ask them what they would like you to do with them. I wrote a letter and asked "As J outgrows clothes, would you like me to send them back to you to save or gift them on to someone else?" They didn't want them back from us, so I just send most on to friends or to the thrift store after a quick sort.

[rockycrop]

Ohhh, good question. I was gonna say totally load em on up and take them down to the thrift store until I got to the part about you passing them BACK for the next baby.
But, I think I'm gonna stick with my original thought, you keep what you want-get rid of the rest. If there was no implied "I'll be needing these back when you're done", it's not your responsibility to store their clothes. Especially if your child will never wear them and you don't have room for them.

[Proudmomoftwinsplusone]

I always ask, do you need these back? If not, I take most of it to the thrift store. One friend wanted some really cute hand me downs to go on to another friend after we were done so I kept track of them and passed them along.

[Sierra]

Asking your SIL what she wants you to do with the clothes when you are done is good.

Unless the giver has said they want the hand-me-downs back to use with future children or something, I see hand-me-downs like gifts. A gift comes from the generosity of the giver but does not constitute an obligation for the receiver. As the giver has given out of the spirit of kindness, we can safely imagine they wouldn't want the receiver to feel weighed down by a gift.

You should feel no obligation to keep what you can't use. Pass it on to someone who can use it, or give it to Goodwill. Quite certainly if you have been given such a large amount of clothes, your MIL and SIL won't even remember the things they've passed on. I would think if something were particularly memorable and special, it would be the type of thing they would either keep as a keepsake or pass along in a more ceremonious fashion.

You will have plenty of these hand-me-downs to pass along to your other SIL if you even save a handful. That should be enough to trigger warm feelings among the giver.

[grniys]

I would ask if they'd like them back once he's grown out of them. It's easy to ask and could save a lot of hurt feelings if you gave them all away and then they ended up wanting them back. What could it hurt to ask?

[inkedmamajama]

i would tell them that you plan to go through and take all you will need and pass the rest on to other mamas in need. if that doesnt jibe with her she will let you know surely?

also you can pass those along to people on the holiday helper forum as well!

a

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by inkedmamajama

also you can pass those along to people on the holiday helper forum as well!

Oh...*great* point!

[hanno]

I would ask.

For things like organics or handmade or heirloom or good condition hanna andersson or in someway special, I would say it's important to ask. If it's a worn out gerber onesie that's been passed around for a decade, thrift it. Cloth diapers would have to be absolutely unuasle before I'd suggest ditching (unless they are gdiapers or plastic pants).

I write this as a hander downer.

[nichole]

I would ask. I've had people give me stuff, and then later I found out they wanted it back when I was done.

[Mrsboyko]

As long as you aren't making any money on them then I tihnk it is fine to goodwill them. After asking SIL of course. I have the same problem (so hard to have this problem, eh?). My Aunt has twin girls only a year older than DD. We have so much stuff it is obnoxious. i think I have bought like 4 things her whole life and she will be 2 soon.

[BarefootScientist]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. I emailed MIL to ask if she wants to store the clothes he doesn't need for my other SIL or if I should give them away. It just kind of seems wasteful to transport them across the country twice...especially since just a month ago she bought NEW two huge bags of clothes for DS and, except for pants, I thought we were set for a while. Oh well.

[fairydoula]

Originally Posted by hanno

I would ask.

For things like organics or handmade or heirloom or good condition hanna andersson or in someway special, I would say it's important to ask. If it's a worn out gerber onesie that's been passed around for a decade, thrift it. Cloth diapers would have to be absolutely unuasle before I'd suggest ditching (unless they are gdiapers or plastic pants).

I write this as a hander downer.

If it's a used up gerber onesie, DONT thrift it, please. Just use it as a rag or throw it away.
I helped out at a "goodwill" type of charity, and they end up having to throw an ENORMOUS amount of stuff away, and they have to use a large part of their budget to pay for dumpster rental/disposal.
If it's not something you would hand down to a friend or neighbor, chances are it won't be sold in the thrift shop either, so just find a new use for it, please. Charities have such struggles with budgets, every little bit of the burden relieved helps.
Thanks!
- Jen

[goodheartedmama]

I would ask first. I give clothes to people to borrow, and I've always gotten them back. I'd be upset if someone just gave them all away without asking, but in my circle of friends and family, maybe it's just understood that they get given back (especially when you're not done having kids).

[inkedmamajama]

Originally Posted by fairydoula

If it's a used up gerber onesie, DONT thrift it, please. Just use it as a rag or throw it away.
I helped out at a "goodwill" type of charity, and they end up having to throw an ENORMOUS amount of stuff away, and they have to use a large part of their budget to pay for dumpster rental/disposal.
If it's not something you would hand down to a friend or neighbor, chances are it won't be sold in the thrift shop either, so just find a new use for it, please. Charities have such struggles with budgets, every little bit of the burden relieved helps.
Thanks!
- Jen

i cut up our old socks and clothes and use for stuffing in dolls and toys i am making using felted wool sweater scraps.

i am also making pillows using the same materials for my daughter(shes allergic to polyester)

so that would be a great use for those kinds of really used up hand me downs.

[Scribe]

Originally Posted by fairydoula

If it's a used up gerber onesie, DONT thrift it, please. Just use it as a rag or throw it away.
I helped out at a "goodwill" type of charity, and they end up having to throw an ENORMOUS amount of stuff away, and they have to use a large part of their budget to pay for dumpster rental/disposal.
If it's not something you would hand down to a friend or neighbor, chances are it won't be sold in the thrift shop either, so just find a new use for it, please. Charities have such struggles with budgets, every little bit of the burden relieved helps.
Thanks!
- Jen

HUGE to this. People don't think about it, I don't think, but this is hugely important.

[jdedmom]

I just love hand me downs...however when my middle son was a baby I had a friend give me a ton of clothes. Add that to what I saved from my oldest and a few new outfits we were drowning in clothes. I have learned to give away about half and kept my favorites.

I give my neighbor all my youngest sons outgrown clothes and tell them just to pass them on if they don't want them.

Off topic, but my middle son (7yo) and my youngest (4yo) are almost wearing the same size clothes and it's getting confusing. My DH just can not figure this out when doing laundry. When the 7yo grows out of something my 4yo is big enough to wear it. Last my DH knew is the middle child was wearing it the last time. I am forever finding the wrong kids clothes in the dresser and closet.(My 7yo still wears size 6 and is tiny and my 4yo is big and wears a size 5).

[ElaynesMom]

I always ask when someone gives me hand-me-downs if they want them back. I've never had anyone say they do want them back, but if they did, I wouldn't accept them. I would most certainly thank for them for their generosity, however, I am a very disorganized person. I tend to forget extra changes of clothes at other people's houses or mysteriously lose things in the laundry. I find sometimes, no matter what, I can't get certain stains out. I'd really just prefer to buy my own clothes (or if people offer hand-me-downs to keep, as they have) because I plan on having more children, and if I had to give the clothes back, I'd just eventually need to purchase more clothes in the future.

[jdedmom]

Originally Posted by goodheartedmama

I would ask first. I give clothes to people to borrow, and I've always gotten them back. I'd be upset if someone just gave them all away without asking, but in my circle of friends and family, maybe it's just understood that they get given back (especially when you're not done having kids).

I don't really understand this. When I knew I was having more kids I just stored the clothes. I would have never lent out clothes expecting them back and wouldn't have borrowed clothes I had to return. That would be too much pressure to keep track of and keep them in great condition.

What is the reason for "lending" out clothes. Is it financial? Are the clothes "special"? I could see loaning a special outfit or something but not a bunch of clothes.

I never cloth diapered but I could see borrowing/loaning them because of the cost and they would be easier to keep track of.

[hanno]

Originally Posted by jdedmom

I don't really understand this. When I knew I was having more kids I just stored the clothes. I would have never lent out clothes expecting them back and wouldn't have borrowed clothes I had to return. That would be too much pressure to keep track of and keep them in great condition.

What is the reason for "lending" out clothes. Is it financial? Are the clothes "special"? I could see loaning a special outfit or something but not a bunch of clothes.

I never cloth diapered but I could see borrowing/loaning them because of the cost and they would be easier to keep track of.

For our family, my son and niece are 10 months apart, it would be silly for SIL and BIL to have to buy all new of the teeny clothes that only fit a couple months.