October Dating Thread!!! - Page 2

[mimim]

Robin, you see him 2 or 3 times a WEEK? That seems like quite a lot to me. Did you mean 2 or 3 times a month?

I've finally found somebody I connect with. I've talked to him a lot and gone out with him a few times and it's gotten pretty hot and heavy really fast. Probably too fast, but I don't care. But, he's all about respecting my boundaries and not letting it get too serious. I haven't talked to him for several days because he said needed to back off so as to not get too attached. Awesome. We are going to see each other tomorrow. Yay!

[emma_goldman]

Yay!

Yay for love! Thanks for sharing, mamas, it really is heartwarming and cheering to hear your stories.

I'm reading Suzanne Lopez's book Get Smart with Your Heart: the intelligent woman's guide to love, lust, and lasting relationships. Good stuff! Thanks for the recommend, PP. I am on a huge learning/growing/developing kick! Any more book recommends for me?

[This could be a whole 'nother thread...] I am also on a path to develop my spirituality and have discovered that I'm interested in walking an "earth-based" path. Any recommendations for how to develop that besides reading? (And what to read, anyway?)

[urmysunshyn]

I'm so glad that I thought to check here at MDC for single parenting support! Yeah! I've been separated since last springtime and want to start dating. I'm looking forward to getting some support about dating and how to go about it, since I haven't "dated" in 10 years!

[~Clementine~]

urmysun.... I remember my first date after not dating for 6 years and how nervous I was and how big if a deal it seemed. Now I can date blind folded and with one hand tied behind my back. (is that a good thing) haha

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by rubelin

When we are together, it's lovely, and he's so wonderful but it's also very chaste (aside from a handful of encounters). I guess it's good to go slowly, but it seems he's just not interested in much more than what we've got and I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to get him to pay more attention to me and have sex with me. That's not the relationship I was looking for.

I don't know rubelin. 2 times a week sounds fine to me--that's all I would be able to swing with someone though. I think you gave yourself a pretty good answer above. It doesn't sounds like it is the relationship you want. Could it develop? Not sure. Is the chemistry there when physical stuff does happen? It is a bit of a red flag that he hasn't really had a long term relationship.

[Bad Mama Jama]

okay all! i am back with a happy update! last month, my partner (he's also one of my best friends in the world) and i hit a bump in the road with our plan to buy a house. we had a talk and i found that he was freaking out because he wasn't used to having help as a single parent. we talked it out and we have moved through it.

it is scary for both of us, but we have been friends for 21 years and we came to the conclusion that this is an awesome opportunity to complete our families, have some support, and we've always have a lot of love for each other. solid love, not always the butterfly romantic love, but the kind of love that makes us available to share our fears and cry with one another.

i have been lucky to have him and he's been lucky to have me, so we are going forth with our plans!!!

[RainbowTurtle]

Happy update here too. After one and a half years of reflection and being happy on my own, I went on a decidedly awful dates and then this one blind date (after months of urging from the setter-upper person ) and well, I don't know how she did it but it's eerie. I'm not putting the cart before the horse but I can be myself with this gentle, gentle giant and I feel positively giddy. He says he feels the same way. He talks about feelings way more than I do, which is quite new to me. We talk every night for at least two hours (who needs sleep??) and we see each other once or twice a week. He's sweet, gentle, respectful and he makes my knees weak.

We're taking is very slow but he's mentioned Christmas and spring breaks a few times already. LOL - we'll see.

It's a wonderful feeling. I know I've never felt this way before and I'm a little worried that it seems so very easy. I'm working hard at allowing myself to be happy. Weird how I thought I'd finally figured that out (happy being single, happy being myself) and now I have to be alright with another person wanting me to be happy. Huh - we'll see but it certainly feels good. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

[guestmama9915]

Happy happy happy!! Thank you for the happy updates. I am so giddy right now, had the best childless weekend of my life. Back to reality? Le sigh, I am just so... happy.

[rubelin]

I am still so torn about this guy. We had a very long conversation on Thurs (mostly via text, which I will NEVER do again!) about how he needs to go slowly and that he needs to back off from how it started (saw/talked to each other almost every day for the first couple of weeks) and that it just feels like he's pulling back because it started out the way it did. I really liked the way it started, it was perfect for me and that's how I'd like it to be. Anyway, after hours of going around in circles and me giving him an out to just end it because I couldn't, we came to a resolution that I could kind of live with, which was that he will devote 2 days (well, evenings) a week to being with me. And he says we can talk on the phone other nights but that hasn't really been happening. I feel like i have no idea how to get past this and have this relationship that isn't happening the way I want it to.

He wasn't feeling well yesterday and canceled our plans (though he went out and did them alone??). We talked a bit last night but it felt forced. He invited me to go walking this afternoon (our regular activity) and then we went back to his house to hang out. We did have some quiet time together lying on his bed and cuddling, but he kept it very chaste again; we didn't even make out. He barely kissed me when he walked me out to my car after cutting off the evening at 8pm. I cried all the way home, I feel so rejected by him.

I've never taken things slowly before and I don't think I really want to if this is what that means. We have already dtd a few times and it was good but now there's been nothing for weeks. He's not had much sexual experience so I know that's part of it, and he hasn't dated much, and most of that has been long distance. Perhaps he's one of those guys who's past his sexual peak and just isn't that interested in sex?? He's told me that he loves me and that i am the one he wants to be with, but that he has to build a foundation slowly and that he will want to spend more time with me the longer we know each other. My problem is that I get to know people by spending lots of time together and when i go a few days without talking, I forget who they are and it's like starting from scratch again. But maybe that's what dating is like??

In our long talk the other night he said many times that he's felt like what he does isn't appreciated and that he doesn't think what he offers will ever be enough for me. I don't want to keep harping on these big issues or make him think he isn't good enough, but I don't think I can keep waiting for the time when he'll want to be with me, while i suppress my sexuality to make sure he doesn't feel pressured to give more than he can. ARG!!

he's just such a wonderful guy and he does have the capacity to make me so melty, but he just doesn't seem all that inclined to act on that capacity. I think I'm going to give him the rest of the week to see what direction this is really heading. I'd love some ideas or comments about this, I'm feeling so insane in my own head!!

[Momtwice]

Dear sweet rubelin.

You deserve to be wanted passionately. You deserve to be wanted by someone so bad it hurts. You deserve to be lusted after by someone who is turned on by you. Don't ever let him make you feel like you don't.

Passion is a beautiful thing and a spiritual thing and you deserve it and it's ok that you want it!!!!

[Holland73]

You deserve EVERYTHING that Momtwice stated, so why are you wasting time with this man?

You could be missing out on another man that will be able to give you what you are looking for, perhaps even more.

This man appears to not be at the same place as you, which is fine. But, if you cannot make peace with what he can offer you, then go and find someone that can offer you more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more, you just have to find the person able to give it to you.

[EvolvingMama]

Hi Mamas,

I really like this thread. Even when things are going well for one of us in the dating world, we support and validate one another and I love that! So important as mamas....

3 weeks post break up, I am doing AWESOME! It was SUCH a good decision for my kids and me. I am so excited about the present and future. I got Get Smart with your Heart and have to say that it is totally speaking to me in a way that no other "Self-help" book ever has. I especially like the personality profiler. It's so on the mark for me, not cheesy at all like they sometimes are. I am learning alot about myself and it's coming at a time when I am committing to reflection and observation about my choices and life.

Despite the fact that I am taking a relationship sabbatical while I explore my stuff and enjoy my kids on my own, something really nice has happened! About 6 years ago when I was going through my divorce AND commuting once a month to a city 5 hours away to work on my teaching credential, my fellow student teachers and I made a tight group. It was like a retreat for me from the rest of my life and these friends and I were super supportive of each other. There were some men in the group (I love male special ed teachers!), and with these men, I learned how to be FRIENDS with a man. They were all married or attached, and I was getting divorced, and there was no romantic stuff. Except, I had a huge crush on one of the men, who happened to be engaged.

So we reconnected through Facebook last week, after all this time, and he's now divorced and a single dad. He called me yesterday and we had a great conversation! We both acknowledged that if we lived in the same place, we would go out for sure, because we both felt "interest" years ago, but it wasn't feasible then. He is smart, clear, a very involved parent, responsible, and HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However.....the distance is just not going to make it possible to get together. Although a visit could still happen.

Guess it's good I'm on a sabbatical, right?

[emma_goldman]

reubelin,

hugs to you as you sort things through and tune into yourself. be good to yourself during this time!

[rubelin]

thanx so much mommas! Momtwice, that's exactly what I've been saying to myself, only more along the lines, of "do i need to be loved passionately, or am I just needy??" which is freakin' insane of me, isn't it??

We have our regular tues night walking "date" tomorrow and I'm going to ask in advance if he is planning on coming over afterwards and, if he's not, I'm going to tell him that we can keep walking together (god knows i need regular exercise!!) but that it will be strictly as friends. I do suspect that he just has no idea how to be in a sexual relationship or how to relate to a woman in that way (though he did it just fine for the first couple of weeks!!). I don't know why it is so hard for me to let him go, but I think it was just so great at the beginning, he is everything I want in a man, except for this part, and I am trying to figure out if this part is going to change or not. It's just so hard to get so close to what I want, AGAIN, and have to move on because something major is missing. At least I'll get some practice at being the dump-er.

I am working on just being happy with my life. I took my boys to Disneyland today (we've got passes, and oldest had the day off school) and it was really lovely spending time with them like that. We do much better together spending time away from home and I've really been missing them. Maybe if I really can handle being friends with this guy and continue going walking together, that will cut down the nights I'm alone and pining for someone, right?? I do have so much to do around here and for work that needs my attention, perhaps it's better to spend my time doing that?

Thanks to all of you for the boost and support. I am so thrilled for those of you finding such great connections with amazing guys and it's a great reminder to not sell myself short

[lunar forest]

ruelin, I totally agree with momtwice about what you deserve. It sounds like you realize that, though.

Things with my boy are going pretty well still but there was this one thing....
On saturday he'd come after work to ds's 7th birthday party, and we hung out and it was great, though I wish he could have met more of my friends before they left. Then we decided to go hang out at our friends' house but before that he was going to meet up with his friend at the bar. Fine. good. I'll see you later. Me and the friends had a great time all giggly and tipsy and in good moods. He was out with his friend for ever and when I finally got a hold of him he was in a bit of a mood. All grumpy and snippy. I guess he had run into his former professor who was a prick to him. Ok, that's awful, but usually he lets that stuff roll off his back. But on the way home I was asking him how his friend is and he mentioned talking about "all this" (said while waving his had in my direction) and I asked what he said and what the friend said and he told me that was between him and his friend. Fine, whatever, but that's SO not like him. He'd been having this great open communication and suddenly I felt like he was keeping something from me. Something that made him feel bad. I thought this friend liked me, too. And I think he does. I'm worried he put the single mom thing in a perspective that bf hadn't considered before. Or, maybe just the fact that it's coming from this guy made a difference. I'm picturing him saying crap like "You've changed, you're no fun, you're never around. Is this really what you want? are you ready to be grown up and give up your life and your friends?" Maybe I'm paranoid. it's possible. I'm clearly over analyzing it. It's just that I know I can't ask him about it. Though, if the friend did say some crap about me it's probably best that I don't hear it.

[EvolvingMama]

Lunarforest,

It's so hard when things are going well and then something happens to make you question.....here are my thoughts.

It's really easy to assume you know what people are talking about when you're not present, and then get worked up into a frenzy worrying. And it's upsetting when new BFs show us their not-so-fabulous sides....which always happens eventually, right? So if you just keep on communicating clearly and being responsible for only your own contribution to the relationship, that's all you can do. You don't have to know everything that he's thinking, right? Maybe you're worried that he will start thinking it's not so cool to be with a single mom, so you're projecting a little into what his conversation with his friend said? And you both had been drinking, and that always colors our reactions to things. And even IF his friend HAD said things like to him, you can't do anything about that, and you can feel great about being a single mom, so don't let someone else's reactions make you feel bad. All in all, I would just wait and protect your heart a bit by taking some space for a minute to remember all the reasons you feel good about yourself. Then address it with him later, or maybe he will bring it up...

[rubelin]

I'm starting to feel like a thread-hog, but wanted to give y'all an update on my guy. We did talk last night and he emailed me today and I think we've worked things out. He is not backing off because he doesn't want me, he's just been dealing with the transition from a long-time bachelor into being in a relationship and it's been a lot bigger deal to him than I realized. It's more that he really does want me and wants to do it right so he's making sure he deals with the emotional parts and doesn't just blow them off for the physcal stuff. It reminded me how much I adore that he's such a grown-up and that he takes the time to think of all these things. I feel a little bad for not giving him more credit. We do need to keep working on the communication part, and remembering to assume positive intent about the other.

We went out walking tonight and came back here for dinner after. It was a lot less physical than it had been, but the weirdness that's been between us for the last few weeks has dissipated and the chemistry that we'd felt before is definitely back I'm sure things won't be completely smooth, since it's such a big change for him, but I dare say that he's a keeper

[kokonutmama]

Rubelin, that sounds great. Thanks for sharing

[Seie]

Hi all - can I join in?

I have breifly visited the single parent forum before - I left my abusive ex end of april - have been living for a couple of months in a shelter and we moved to our own little house in july. Currently we are still in the middle of a rough court case about costudy.

Anyway - on the dating front - I kind of thought I would NEVER have a date - being a single mama of three small children (the oldest is 5) - but guess what. I went out last friday - had my parents take the kids for one night while I went out with some old friends that I havent seen in 6 years.
Sometime very late a young (as in 2 years younger than me) guy comes up and asks to buy me a coke - and after a few moments he asks me out. We spoke all night and he walked me to my early morning train. I even mentioned the part about being a single mom of three kids -and he still wants to invite me out.

The kids will be with their father tomorrow - so I am GOING ON A DATE! I am looking sooo much forward to it - this guy seems so honest, so decent and so respectful - everything my ex wasnt..

I cant wait

[mimim]

Rubelin, you must be so glad you brought it up with him!