Visitors after birth

[Alison]

So I just found out that instead of holding off til Christmas, as I had thought they would, the in-laws have decided to come up right after the baby's born, and not come at Christmas. This happened last time, and it wasn't a good situation. My MIL herself was great, until my FIL showed up, and decided to tell her that she wasn't getting enough thanks or appreciation from me (me, "emergency" c-section, first time with a newborn, breastfeeding trouble, and baby blues) and it ended up in a big nasty scene the day before they left. He may not come up this time (that would be my preference), but she's definitely coming. I so wanted them to wait til Christmas, when I'd be ready to deal with the high maintenance that they require.

Telling them no or asking them to stay elsewhere just isn't possible--they own the house we live in, amongst other things.

Anyone else got unwanted house guests after the birth?

[Amber Lion]

I don't see why telling them to stay elsewhere isn't an option just b/c they own the house you live in. It's still YOUR house! I get to tell my landlords when they can and cannot enter my house even though they own it. If it's a matter of it'll be a huge hassle to do so, that's one thing and your personal choice, but you absolutely have the *right* to tell them to stay elsewhere. Sorry, I'll get off my rant, it just bugs me when family thinks they have control.

To answer your question, I've made it clear to my family when they will be welcome to visit. The inlaws are kind of a mystery; since some baby shower drama they've been acting like there isn't a baby on the way and I've no idea if they even want to come see him/her or when. If they do show an interest however, they'll be welcome at the same time my family is - about a week after the baby is born for short visits that include doing a chore or two. NO ONE is staying at our house, however.

[Alison]

. The inlaws are kind of a mystery; since some baby shower drama they've been acting like there isn't a baby on the way and I've no idea if they even want to come see him/her or when.

Seriously, until now, this was exactly how they were too. I was certain we wouldn't see them until Christmas, nobody brought up the subject of pregnancy or baby when we did talk to them on the phone, they never call us to see what's up, they wait for us to call them. To give them credit, the reason that they're not coming at Xmas is that it turns out that DH's brother and family, who live nearer to them (7 hours drive) but are also from here (ie all their family except my ILs are up here as well), can't afford to come home this Xmas and so the ILs have decided that they don't want them to spend Xmas alone. I get that, I really do, but it still sucks that I now have them descending on me about 6 or 7 weeks sooner than expected.

The thing is, they will make my life miserable forever if I tell them they're not welcome or that I don't want them. Even if I get DH to do the telling, they'll still make our lives miserable forever. Honestly, I'd rather put up with them for a week than have to live with the aftermath forever.

Right now, I can only hope baby comes early--they're assuming baby will be late, like DS was, so will probably come up about mid-November, two weeks after my due date. If baby would only come early, that would mean I'd have my peaceful few weeks before they showed up!

Thanks for your rant on my behalf though. I know that I have the right, it's just the hassle that exercising that particular right would result in for the rest of my life! They do totally think they have control--the funny thing is, when we moved in here, we were doing them a favour, they weren't ready to sell, and we would look after the two other apartments for them, and they wanted us to move in for their own convenience and peace of mind. Now, they act as if they were doing us a favour the whole time!

[leurMaman]

Yikes - good luck with that! I'm sorry about the added stress. Maybe if you room in with baby they will be less likely to hang around your person the whole time, but will just come in to visit (and maybe even bring snacks and help out more). HTH.

[audsma]

, mama! It is never easy to deal with such overbearing ILs, especially when they sound so unforgiving/disinterested. Is there any way to limit the length of their stay? (Who am I to talk-- I can't even broach this subject with my own parents right now.) But, visits are exhausting for all involved. I always fall back on Mark Twain's old adage: "Fish and visitors stink after three days."

I have put my foot down with my ILs and told them that they will not be sleeping in our living area, as they normally do. They are welcome to the bed in the garage (fine for every other visitor to my home.) Or, they can sleep in the under construction new house, or outside, or just come for a day visit. Those are their options b/c they never. let. me. sleep!

Good luck to you as this visit looms, and hopefully DH and you can set some limits that will make it more bearable.

[Kim919]

That totally sucks

I think the most important part of a pushy in law situation is the support of your DH. I know even if it gets a little nasty my DP understands I don't want to be smothered and has a lot of respect for that and is willing to be the "bouncer" if need be.

my in-law drama for your enjoyment:

I got a txt message from my SIL the other day (who I know was sitting with her mother sending it) that asked "how long after the baby comes are you going to wait to tell the family?"

My reply was "we will definatly let you know right away, but we're going to be waiting on visitors for a little while"

They're convinced that we didn't tell THEM that we were expecting, but told the rest of the world - NOT TRUE! We waited to tell everyone untill I was well out of the 1st trimester. So they're still bitter about that. I also angered my MIL early on and she didn't really speak to me untill about a month ago. (and I know she only started again because she realised she couldn't keep giving me the cold shoulder & expect to see the baby all the time too)

We own our house, but my MIL seems to feel (and has said verbally) that her son owns the house & I am a guest there, and that she therefore has more right to be there then I do. She has (more then once) "broken in" when we were on vacation and "cleaned" (because I don't do it good enough) and thrown out furniture and moved things, etc. He bought the house when we were 1st dating and I moved in about a month later (when we had only been seeing each other about 2 months) I kept paying the rent on my empty apartment for another 4 months or so because my lease wasn't over yet and I liked having the "safety net." Its been 4 years sense then! Oh yes, and her famous line (first uttered after we had been dating 6 months when I was 18 years old, as well as several times sense then) "oh honey, you don't know my son, if he loved you he would have asked you to marry him and if he was going to marry you he would have done it already."

Any time I make any major purchase for the house she gets angry and says that If we need something I should ask her and she will buy it, because it is going to be a hassle for her to refurnish his house when we break up and I move out with all of my things. This was actually the argument at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was going to buy a new washer/dryer and she wanted to bring over a used half dead set (great for cloth diapers) and I put my foot down and said no. Seriously, I was 4 months pregnant and she is concerned about appliances being split up?

Anyways, good luck with yours. I don't know why they feel they need to be so spiteful. For the record my FIL is easy going and fantastic and feels bad that his wife is so mean sometimes.

[maizy]

I'd tell them when you would like them to come. We have to advocate for ourselves and our families. If I were in your situation, I'd ask my dh to tell his parents its not a good time and can they stick to the original plan and come for the holidays. If they press he can explain that you are grown up now and have your own family and want to experience this as a family.

I've had to do this with my mother who is high maintanence. I explained that I do not want her at my birth because I want my immediate family there only. She fussed but its better than me holding it in, not saying anything and then being bitchy to her while she is here (not that you would do that... I would)

Good luck what ever works out. Parents and IL's are difficult.

[TaraRae82]

Yes. DH just doesn't understand that I don't want a lot of people around and I'd rather have NO ONE at the hospital (IL's are coming down as soon as I go into labor and are going to be waiting at the hospital for baby to be born....ugh). He doesn't get it and thinks I'm just being difficult. :

[maizy]

Originally Posted by Kim919

That totally sucks

We own our house, but my MIL seems to feel (and has said verbally) that her son owns the house & I am a guest there, and that she therefore has more right to be there then I do. She has (more then once) "broken in" when we were on vacation and "cleaned" (because I don't do it good enough) and thrown out furniture and moved things, etc. He bought the house when we were 1st dating and I moved in about a month later (when we had only been seeing each other about 2 months) I kept paying the rent on my empty apartment for another 4 months or so because my lease wasn't over yet and I liked having the "safety net." Its been 4 years sense then! Oh yes, and her famous line (first uttered after we had been dating 6 months when I was 18 years old, as well as several times sense then) "oh honey, you don't know my son, if he loved you he would have asked you to marry him and if he was going to marry you he would have done it already."

Any time I make any major purchase for the house she gets angry and says that If we need something I should ask her and she will buy it, because it is going to be a hassle for her to refurnish his house when we break up and I move out with all of my things. This was actually the argument at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was going to buy a new washer/dryer and she wanted to bring over a used half dead set (great for cloth diapers) and I put my foot down and said no. Seriously, I was 4 months pregnant and she is concerned about appliances being split up?

.

WOW! She sounds lovely! What does your boyfriend say? It is his mother, he should talk with her and you should not be treated that way, It sounds like you "laugh it off" but still...! Next time you go on vacation you should place inappropriate items throughout the house for her to find!

[Astrid1024]

I'd tell them that you would like them to come, but that you would like them to come a little bit later than what they are planning on. I really don't think that it is out of bounds for you to suggest that they postpone a week or two. Just because it's their house does not make it their right to descend on you right after your birth just because that date suits them. I really think you should stand up to that - you are not wrong in feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of having them around so soon.

Also, it's the BIRTH OF YOUR BABE - it should be as sacred and blessed an event as you can possibly make it - if they change that by their presence they will deny you the experience as it should be.

[Alison]

Well, it looks like she (maybe they) won't be coming until at least two weeks past my due date as it is. Hopefully I won't go overdue. The real blessing would be if I went two weeks early, but they'd already booked their tickets for two weeks late!

They won't be here at Xmas, and I understand why, I'm okay with that--BIL and SIL would be alone for Xmas, away from all their family (she's really close to her family), and DH's parents think it's their duty to stay in the US this Xmas to keep them company. It would be nice if they could put their visit to me off until US Thanksgiving, but probably we won't manage to convince them of that.

Too bad I'm not planning a homebirth. That would keep them from booking tickets for a date before they were darn sure baby was delivered! I'm thinking about telling them that my doctor will let me go three weeks overdue before talking about induction, then they'd probably put a trip off until three weeks past my due date. And actually, I wouldn't even be lying, cause that's what the doc did say.

Anyway, I'm hoping to cope best that we can. The thing is that they genuinely mean well, they just don't see how difficult their visits can be, and how demanding they can be. With them, "we'll see you in the morning" means DH and I wait around and wait around for them to show, and it turns out that because the weather was really nice, they thought they'd go for a walk first, then realised they were hungry to stopped for a snack, and then found a lovely little store and ended up shopping for FIL cause he really needed new slippers, and now they're at our place at 11:45 am--each time they call on the cell "we'll be a little late, going for a short walk see you in half an hour", then in half an hour "oh, just stopping for a quick bite, see you in half an hour" and so on. So we waste the entire morning waiting. It's not mean, evil, nasty or malicious at all, just high maintenance, KWIM? And very hard to call them on.