How did you decide?

[sprouthead]

I would love to hear how other families decided what course to take regarding adoption. My situation is below and if anyone has any input on what course may make sense for my family, I would love to hear it!

I have always known that I have wanted to foster or adopt children because I have never been comfortable with the idea of bringing new children into this overpopulated world when there are children already here who could use my love.. then 2 years ago I had a surprise baby from a very high-risk pregnancy. DH has slowly been letting go of his dream of having another biological child (which I don't understand in the first place) and is ready to start the adoption process.. but I don't know what to do!! There's so many options out there, how do we know what's right for us?

I work in Early Intervention now and worked as a teacher and counselor in schools for years before this, so I've had experience with adopted, up for adoption, and foster children and families and I would have taken home any of those children (even the ones in biological households!) in a heartbeat. I am the kind of person who, if someone were to hand me a baby or child right now and said "raise them" I would love them to death no matter what. So therefore, I am not selective at all regarding age, race, ability, open or closed adoption, or whatever.. that I can imagine.. My biggest concern is that the child can "fit in" with our home, meaning basically that they can handle having a brother like my son and parents like me and dh, and that as a family, we can meet their needs.. So like a highly medically involved child may not be the best match, for example, or a child who would have trouble having a sibling. And I'm pretty sure I don't want to have a baby- I think I'd like a toddler or older. But again, if someone were to give me a baby to raise I wouldn't think twice about it.

So based on that, I think I've narrowed it down to adopting from foster care or just fostering a child, right? Are there other options that I'm not thinking of? And then how do I decide between fostering and adopting? After writing this, I'm thinking of maybe trying fostering and seeing how that goes.. I know sometimes people end up adopting the child that they foster, so if that works out for us, then great, and if not, that's fine too.. Then maybe I can see what feels right for us after that experience- either more fostering or just straight adopting, or maybe we'll decide neither.. This is such a big decision!!

[Sierra]

You should read the book Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft. Also, you should sign up to take the foster parent training classes at your local foster care department. Those two things will help you in deciding what route you want to travel. There are also international adoption programs that could result in the placement of a toddler. You could call around if that was of interest to you.

[EFmom]

Good suggestions. You might also see if there is a local adoption support group. We have a few of them in my area. One holds an annual "adoption fair," where people from various agencies come and talk. They also have adoptive parent panel discussions, where people talk about their experiences in adoption.

Fostering and adoption from the foster care system varies a great deal by geographic location. It can be very helpful to meet people who have done this in your area.

[RedOakMomma]

You may also want to consider domestic adoption (depending on how difficult your local foster/adopt or foster rules are...some people have had an awful time, some people find it smooth). I've seen it mentioned a few times here that some agencies have more babies to place/expectant moms looking for families than they do interested adoptive parents....especially when the moms or infants are black.

The other thing I'd consider is your willingness to incorporate the culture of a child who doesn't have the same racial/ethnic background of you and your dh. Do you live in a supportive community? Would your child attend schools with other minorities and children of his/her culture? Just stuff to consider.

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by sprouthead

I would love to hear how other families decided what course to take regarding adoption.

From a very early age I always knew I wanted children, but was with a partner of 15 years that wasn't really into being a parent. In 2000, I had a major life altering change - moving from the east coast to the west coast for a new job and meeting the woman of my dreams. After being with her for a couple of years, I knew she was the one I wanted to become a mommy with. When I first mentioned the idea, our initial discussion was adoption. We spoke with some good friends who had adopted and they told us that it would cost us roughly $40K give or take and that we would have to be ok with the pain of a birthmother changing her mind (they lost many placements while trying to adopt). After hearing this, DP and I decided that a $300 vial of sperm and a trip to the doctor would be easier. We were extremely naive about this and after 4 years of IUI's and IVF we did more research and found out that adoption through foster care was an opiton. The biggest thing for us was that we wanted a very, very low risk placement. We started the process and 9 months later we were placed with dd1 who was an extremely low risk placement and her adoption was final by the time she was 8 months old. One year later, the county called and said that there was another child available for adoption (she was a preemie - born 2 months early - and was 8 weeks old) and since it was another low risk placement we decided to meet her. Of course we fell in love immediately, said yes, and her adoption was completed when she was 12 months old. DD1's birthmom became pregnant a few months later and when that baby was born we got a call. Another low risk placement and since we had her sibling, there was a very good chance that it would be a low risk placement. She was just adopted at 18 months in August of this year.
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I would definitely suggest an adoption support group. Most foster/adoption agencies have them and you don't need to be a parent yet to attend. They were a godsend to us when we started the process! Good luck!

[sprouthead]

Originally Posted by Sierra

You should read the book Toddler Adoption: The Weavers Craft. Also, you should sign up to take the foster parent training classes at your local foster care department. Those two things will help you in deciding what route you want to travel. There are also international adoption programs that could result in the placement of a toddler. You could call around if that was of interest to you.

Those are good ideas! Thank you. What is the benefit of international adoption, and how would I go about finding international adoption agencies that place toddlers?

Originally Posted by EFmom

Good suggestions. You might also see if there is a local adoption support group. We have a few of them in my area. One holds an annual "adoption fair," where people from various agencies come and talk. They also have adoptive parent panel discussions, where people talk about their experiences in adoption.

Fostering and adoption from the foster care system varies a great deal by geographic location. It can be very helpful to meet people who have done this in your area.

Thanks! I am moving to a new state next week- I just left a group in my current region and will definitely seek one out in my new area. Those adoption fairs sound like a tremendous resource! Does anyone know of any groups or fairs in Western MA for me to join?

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

You may also want to consider domestic adoption (depending on how difficult your local foster/adopt or foster rules are...some people have had an awful time, some people find it smooth). I've seen it mentioned a few times here that some agencies have more babies to place/expectant moms looking for families than they do interested adoptive parents....especially when the moms or infants are black.

The other thing I'd consider is your willingness to incorporate the culture of a child who doesn't have the same racial/ethnic background of you and your dh. Do you live in a supportive community? Would your child attend schools with other minorities and children of his/her culture? Just stuff to consider.

Oh, that it so sad about those black babies! I know the area that I'm moving to is more diverse than my current region, and I can't imagine a more supportive family than what I have- especially the family that we will be moving closer to. I actually have a certificate in multicultural counseling but as sensitive as I try to be to issues of culture and race, I have to say that quality of education will be my number one consideration with regards to schooling, and we'll just have to deal with anything that happens as a result of it..

Originally Posted by BCFD

I would definitely suggest an adoption support group. Most foster/adoption agencies have them and you don't need to be a parent yet to attend. They were a godsend to us when we started the process! Good luck!

Thank you for sharing your story with me. How did you select your agency?

Thanks again to everyone for helping me start this journey!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by sprouthead

Those are good ideas! Thank you. What is the benefit of international adoption, and how would I go about finding international adoption agencies that place toddlers?

Since I didn't adopt internationally, I may not be the best person to answer your questions.

In terms of "benefits" of international adoption, this is a really personal thing. Some parents feel a connection to a certain country or to a type of special need (such as AIDS) or to a particular adoption situation/program.

Some parents choose international adoption because of a commitment toward children of a particular gender or age and their interest in a program that deals primarily with kids of one gender or age grouping.

One interracial couple I knew for a number of years adopted from Korea because the father had immigrated from Korea as a young adult, and they felt his Korean nationality was a special and important part of their family.

For some, a high chance that the birthfamily will be unknown is seen as a "benefit" (not for the child, necessarily, as this presents specific trauma and hardships for the child, but at least one adoptive parent I have met has said she saw this as a benefit).

Occassionally somebody prefers the regulations around adoption in a particular country. Some parents also adopt from a country where they perceive a real need for adoptive parents (for example, a country where many children are being orphaned by AIDS even when they themselves don't have it, and where there is a diminished adult population in combination with dire poverty so that in-country adoptions are unlikely).

Some parents adopt internationally because the "waiting" timelines can be a bit more specific than some domestic adoption or foster-adoption programs. Some prefer to adopt internationally because they perceive that a domestic adoption is not final and that a parent can "come back for the child," though with a "legally free" child, this is largely a myth. Nonetheless, many simply feel more comfortable and less vulnerable with international adoption.

Now this is very, very important:

There are heated ethical debates around all types of adoption. Whatever path you choose, I suggest you start reading up on these debates *before* you commit to a particular path. There are few things worse than being in the middle of an adoption process only to suddenly come across information that makes you feel your adoption may be unethical. Of course try to keep a level head in all of this, but don't avoid reading a viewpoint that makes you uncomfortable or that is contrary to your own. Sometimes your opinion might change, and like I said, it is better that this happen when you are not invested already in a particular path.

Also, you will need to find out from each program what restrictions on adoptive parents exist in the countries they deal with. Some have tight regulations around your age or other characteristics/situations. You can get information about costs at the same time.

Unfortunately, I am not the best to advise on finding international programs. Perhaps some of the parents on here who have adopted internationally will pipe in. I know there are a lot of ads for different programs in Adoptive Families magazine. I think the trick is finding a reputable program, but if you google a particular program you can likely find information about problems of a program.

In some ways, though you have a lot of decisions to make, you are in the best stage of the whole thing. You get to form all your opinions about different facets of adoption without too much existing investment. You get the fun of finding out about all the many paths and waiting for one to feel right. You have lots of control at this point, and your options are all open. Enjoy!

[Live~Laugh~Love]

My life long dream is to adopt a baby from Afirca, (no idea) just a life long dream.

HOWEVER

we have our own 2 and I took a baby in as my own, she has came, went and came, this time I hope she stays.

Adoption has to be better than foster care for our family.

SO heartbreaking when they get so close and then are torn away from you

I cant wait to hear what you decide, and I cant wait to see what others say

[queenjane]

I chose state adoption (from foster care) and later fostering with the hope of adopting, for two basic reasons, the main one being financial. No matter how cheap a domestic adoption (i've found programs that seem to have very reasonable fees, around 10K or so, all inclusive fee), its still more than i can realistically afford. And while i would be interested in some of the subsidized/funded waiting child international programs i've found (such as WACAP's promise children program with greatly reduces or waives the fees for certain waiting children), i still dont think i'd qualify (for immigration purposes) based upon my income. The only program i've found for private adoption that may be an option for me is Spence Chapin's ASAP program which places special needs infants in homes on a sliding scale basis. I have inquired on a few of their babies (somewhat halfheartedly as i wasnt sure i could use my free homestudy for a private adoption), but never heard back.

The second reason, is that i am very open to adopting an older child (currently up to age 11 but have considered a few teens that seemed like a good match), and the best place to find kids in that age range in through the state (you can also adopt older kids through disruption, such as if a family adopts internationally then cannot parent that child so they replace the child in a new family here in the States), but there is still cost associated with that, and the children tend to have significant mental health issues (which is the main reason they are being moved)...

I have found the homestudy/approval process (through a private agency that places state children, which is how its done where i live) to be fairly painless, easy, quick and cheap (free)....however, my experience is the waiting is ridiculous. Its hard for me to discern whether my problems finding a "match" are due to my first incompetent social worker (who may have not followed up on any child inquiries) or what, but the fact is that i was initially approved to adopt in July 06 and still have not been matched with an older boy. My experience is not unique, i know LOTS of families online, open to older kids/sib groups/special needs who have been waiting a year or longer. Its often a difficult system to navigate (workers losing homestudies, not getting back to you, kids sitting on photolistings for years when you know you've inquired multiple times, getting calls on kids you clearly arent qualified for or never inquired on---i just got a call on a severely disabled boy with DS in NJ that they said i inquired on, weird, never happened)...and i personally have reservations recommending adopting through the state without alot of caution.

I have had better luck with foster care adoption (fostering first with the hopes that i'd get to keep one)...my very first (and only) placement was a newborn with no parental involvement who went almost immediately to termination and adoption. And my FC worker mentioned other babies she may have for me, so i know that this is a way i can expand my family (with kids that are considerably younger and healthier/less issues than kids i inquire on from photolistings, but with considerably more risk for them leaving)....so i'm more inclined at this point in my journey to encourage fostering, again with lots of warnings (about the role of a FP, possibly losing a FC, etc)...however it seems to me that alot of kids dont go home, based upon what my FC worker was telling me (like, she has a one month old in a foster-only home, they dont want to adopt him, but she said he is almost definitely going to be adoptable and they should move him to a home willing to adopt, or another baby under a year, with two very young sisters in another FH, she said there's no way the mom is getting them back based upon how the case is going)....anyway, its worth considering. In some places they have more infants then they have available foster homes, and the FH my son originally was placed in (for six days) had TWO infants under six months old in the home.

Katherine

[Momma Aimee]

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