I don't want to play with my child.

[hattifattener]

I'm looking at the title, and I can't believe I just wrote that. Generally, that is so not me.

I have a four year old who can often play independently, but who also wants some play-with-mommy-time throughout the day. That used to be no problem. But here I am, in the middle of a very uncomfortable third trimester, with a husband who temporarily lives far away, and I can just barely hold it all together these days.

It used to be that I'd do whatever she wanted- boring tea parties, repetitive pretend games, pointless wandering in the park, exhausting craft projects- I'd do it all. (And I didn't even think "boring!" "repetitive!" "pointless!" "exhausting!" at the time- I was having fun!)

So what is wrong with me now? The list of stuff I actually want to do with her is just getting smaller and smaller, and I feel so bad about it.

IMPORTANT NOTE- I am still doing all those things with her, more or less, so there hasn't been much change to her quality of life. But I am resenting the activities, when I should be cherishing these last few weeks of time alone with her before the baby comes. I dread getting up in the mornings and playing with her- I'm running on empty here.

PLEASE help.

[North_Of_60]

When I was almost due it was all I could do not to the pee the bed because I didn't want to get up, let alone getting up to play.

[floiejo2]

I soooo understand! I was the exact same way, I loved playing with my first daughter and we did everything. Then I got pregnant, lost it, got pregnant, lost it, and got pregnant again. I get very very sick during my pregnancies and it was literally all I could do to lay on the couch while she played for the first 4 months. We did way more movies than I agree with and the poor thing just didn't get as much mommy play time as usual. Then we had a new baby in the mix and of course that made it really hard too. I played on the floor holding the baby as much as I could and read books while nursing but my heart just wasn't in it. And now it's been a year with two and I have to say the desire to really play with them just never came back. I still do play with them but I totally understand the resentment. I love my girls and cherish this time I have with them but it's so hard to play pretend whatever for the umpteenth time. I do better with the playdoh, coloring, music, dancing... so I try to direct play in that direction. They're also starting to play together a little now so that's so nice. I think some of why it's hard for me is that I'm just exhausted all the time, we're working through feeding every 30-90 minutes all night and I'm just so tired I don't care about playing. Anyway, no suggestions really, just wanted to lend support. Keep doing what you're doing, you're a good mom. Most of the mom's I know IRL don't play much at all with their children, so we're doing all right.

[lolar2]

DS isn't that old yet, but in my experience with many, many younger relatives, four-year-olds go through a stage of being mind-numbingly boring in their play. Sounds like yours might be in that stage. And then pregnancy too! Wow.

There is a book called The Mother's Almanac which has some ideas for mother-and-child activities at that age, which might tide you over.

[hattifattener]

Originally Posted by lolar2

four-year-olds go through a stage of being mind-numbingly boring in their play.

Yes! THANK you!

to you mamas. Thanks for the responses. I have this huge, incredible amount of love for her... if only I could live up to it.

[LynnS6]

What if you lower your expectations of yourself for much of the day, and tried to spend just two 30 minute periods where you really tried to focus on her play?

I find dd's play mind-numbingly boring at times too, and I LIKE pretend play. But, I can only play that she is a baby, the couch (with the cushions off and leaned against the side) is the crib, and that when she cries she wants a bottle so many times. (The bottle is a real stab at me because this child wouldn't take a bottle and instead reverse cycled for 2 years, and nursed for FOUR years!!)

Any chance of some playdates with her so she and her 4 year old friends can do tea parties together?

[MLinPDX]

My sympathies to your very pregnant self.

I have a 4 year old and 1 year old and seem to get the "Mama, please play with me" or "Mama, you never play with me" daily. True, now that I have two kids and poor housekeeping skills I've found myself playing less with the elder than I used to. Plus often I'd just rather do the dishes than play cat family, again. I've been trying to remind myself to give her a few minutes of full attention at least, as well as encourage independent play. But I know how it feels to not want to play with your child. I'm so looking forward to when the little one is old enough for them to play more together.

[Britishmum]

I didn't want to play those games with my kids period. Pregnant or not. I just am not that sort of mum. I'll get out toys, make playdough, admire creations, etc, but as for pretending to do more than drink one pretend cup of tea, forget it.

I say, don't be so hard on yourself. Can you find other friends to come to play - while the other mum watches the kids and you get some rest? Or grandma, or someone else? A teenager? Just for these few weeks while you retain your sanity?

And whatever you do, don't feel guilty!

[Kirstyandgirls]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

I didn't want to play those games with my kids period. Pregnant or not. I just am not that sort of mum. I'll get out toys, make playdough, admire creations, etc, but as for pretending to do more than drink one pretend cup of tea, forget it.

!

Me too! And I feel bad about it but I do other things - we cook, read, go to play groups together (to name but a few)

My dd spent loads of time watching dvd's when I was pregnant - I couldn't have got through the day without a rest on the couch while dd watched tv or a dvd. I always explained too that growing a baby made me tired/sick/grumpy sometimes and that I would be the same mummy again once the baby was born.

To the op - it sounds like your doing a great job don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck with your new baby

Kirsty x

ps I second the playdate idea, My dd started school a few weeks ago and i love hearing what make-believe game she and her friends have been playing at school. Other kids play imaginary games much better that boring grown ups anyway!

Or take her to a soft play centre and she can run about while you have a sit down with a magazine.

[cat2116]

hi.....just wanted to add, you may find this thread helpful....

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=entertainment

Sounds like your doing great to me

[jspring0308]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

I didn't want to play those games with my kids period. Pregnant or not. I just am not that sort of mum. I'll get out toys, make playdough, admire creations, etc, but as for pretending to do more than drink one pretend cup of tea, forget it.

I say, don't be so hard on yourself. Can you find other friends to come to play - while the other mum watches the kids and you get some rest? Or grandma, or someone else? A teenager? Just for these few weeks while you retain your sanity?

And whatever you do, don't feel guilty!

: I've never been one to get down and play for any extended amount of time. DD and I do other things together and if she wants/needs to play pretend or whatnot she does it by herself or we set up playdates. I've also been known to hire babysitters simply to play w/DD and she of course loves it, might be worthwhile especially now that you're going to have a small one around and it will make playing that much more difficult. Even just an elementary school girl from the neighborhood to come and play for 1-2 hours occasionally would be so lovely for both of you and you don't have to pay much!

[mytwogirls]

Oh man I am not even pregnant and I feel that way with my two year old sometimes. It gets soooooooooo boring playing her sometimes (how many times do I really have to spin her around the room before I throw up?!) I do try to play, but there is always something to be done. I do take her and her sister to the park and play, but there are nights when I climb into bed and think "Damn, I didn't really play with her today like I wanted." Then I feel really guilty

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

I didn't want to play those games with my kids period. Pregnant or not. I just am not that sort of mum. I'll get out toys, make playdough, admire creations, etc, but as for pretending to do more than drink one pretend cup of tea, forget it.

Me too! I wasn't like that as a babysitter, and I'm not like it as a parent.

But then, my son has never known me to be a play-with-him type, so he'd probably be freaked out if I started, like yours is now that you've stopped. But I also find with my 4 year old that he really gets it if I'm sick and canNOT do something. He keeps asking, but not like when I just say I don't "want" to do something.

[alexsam]

First, I don't think it is necessarily our "job" to play- it is THEIRS. Our job is to make sure they have the space, time, quality toys, and potentially playmates to play. It is our job to keep them safe, answer questions, etc, but the actual PLAYING is their job as a child, not our job as a parent.

Often, I'd set up ds with something to play (if he was having trouble figuring it out or if he wanted my company and interaction) and then I would be near him physically and interact with him, but do my own thing. So, he'd be playing with blocks and telling me about the creation, I'd maybe put a block on or suggest something, but I'd also be folding laundry or having a cup of tea. We'd be interacting, but the play was HIS.

I really think we put these the expectation on ourselves that we are parent AND playmate and I just don't think that is fair to ourselves. Being a parent means that we should try to be "playful" and it means we can enjoy our children and their play, but it does not require us to be PLAYMATE... Of course, SOME play is helpful and fun, but there is a difference between playing something you both enjoy occasionally and being some sort of play slave .

I also think arranging a playdate is a good idea. Also doing whatever you DO enjoy can be helpful. And, I totally feel your exhaustion (I'm also due with #2 NEXT WEEK!) but I've found keeping the day moving- thought it may require a little more energy- is really helpful in preventing frustration. Having a routine- meals, outside, etc. I also second the idea of some time off- a mother's helper maybe? Also, see if there are things you can go to- library story times, playgrounds, etc. when you do not have to "engage" and she can still be involved. The kids are often looking more for the connection than for you to actually PLAY all the time. If that is your case, you can involve them in things YOU are doing- helping with laundry or cooking, for example.

[bscal]

I totally felt the same way when I was pg w/#3. He is only 17 mos younger than my 2nd child and I was just so tired it was hard to keep my eyes open, let alone play pretend! One thing that helped us through that time period was to come up with other things that we could do together.

A few examples:

Washing dishes. (B/c allowing a child to splash some cups around in a sinkful of bubbles is FUN! Just have a towel available for cleanup.)

Stretching exercises/yoga. Good use of those prenatal yoga videos and both my girls loved to do this as well.

Playdates - lots of them, at least 2 per week. I'd get a little grownup chit chat and they'd run around the park and burn off some energy.

Storytime. I used to read them 2 or 3 stories each at bedtime but I was just so worn out during that pregnancy that I moved storytime to just after lunch. This worked out well to transition my toddler to naptime after lunch too. So we'd eat lunch, snuggle on the couch and read stories and then it was nap for younger DD, Quiet time for older DD.

Quiet time by the way, is an excellent way for you to get a break, put your feet up and regain some energy. We have Quiet time every afternoon from around 2 - 3:30. I get out a quiet activity - crayons and paper, playdough, moon sand, that sort of thing or put on a movie. My middle child is now 3 and doesn't take an afternoon nap anymore so she has Quiet time while little brother naps. (It is very important to have a busy morning - full of playtime at the park or something else very active or Quiet time does not work.) Oh, and I don't make the kids be that Quiet - just no running around screaming or playing kazoos.

Okay, that's all I can think of right now. HTH,
Beth

[chirp]

maybe you could invite grandma...or some other familial female figure over and all three of you could do this together...but FFF can take some of the brunt of paying attention and pouring the new paint or eating the fake biscuits...or whatever it is your doing.

this way she's still getting you time, but you've got like a buffer. and you can keep part of your brain for relaxing.

[Serenyd]

Sounds like you are just tired more than anything.
I don't really like playing with my 5 yr old all that much. I don't even like reading to him ... unless I get to pick the book. I used to be, like, a professional babysitter, and I LOVED it .. but problem is now I'm tired of playing kid games .. it seems like work to me! Horrible, I know. But I feel your pain. I don't mind doing craft projects as long as the clean up isn't too big. Good luck with your daughter and best wishes for a happy delivery and babymoon!

[kayleesmom]

mama dont feel guilty your not alone in this i feel this way alot also with my 4 yr old. sometimes playing what she wants to play is very boring and i get embarrased using my imagination and alot of times dont know what to say.

[Twinklefae]

Do you have any young teen (like 12-14) neighbours? Could you hire one to come and play for a couple of hours a week? Generally they love to and you could do something else, like relax, while they play.

[lovetobemama]

I agree with the PP who suggested other people to give you a break. I felt the EXACT same way when I was in my 3rd trimester...I think it is just the way of life sometime!
Hang in there! This, too, shall pass!