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I don't know what to do... - Page 2

post #21 of 37
Jenifer, let your dh know that when he gets a chance to push a melon out of his behind, then he gets to pick his support team, until then. . . he can just be happy he gets to be in the room when his child is born. . . because that is optional too!

Sorry, I am really snarky and cranky and tired too!! I was just going to write this post. I just want someone to take care of me or at least help with some laundry and cooking!!

We all need a spa day with lots of chocolate!!
post #22 of 37
Thread Starter 
Hear, hear, Courtney! lol


No news yet... he has been especially agitated the last couple days, so I have not had the courage to bring this up.
post #23 of 37
Thread Starter 
Well... brought it up... at first he didn't say flat out no... then just now he did.

Not only did he say no, he made me feel like the biggest loser ever. I started the whole conversation with saying I wanted to talk about something that is very important to me... but he apparantly doesn't care.

He told me that birthing is self explanatory and he is sure my midwife will talk to me during and that I don't need a support person, that this whole thing sounds like a sucker gimic. That it's totally unneccessary and it's akin to getting a personal trainer for the gym...

He told me I better not go behind his back and do it either because he will kick her out of the room and be really really pissed at me.


Why do men think this is so easy and like they have any right at all to tell women, "oh it's so easy you'll see and then be upset that you spent all that money for nothing..."

I feel numb...
post #24 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
He told me that birthing is self explanatory
I'd have said "Oh yeah? YOU DO IT, THEN!!!"

Sorry you're feeling so lousy and that your confidence is so shaken. I hope things work out for you.

When I'm feeling particularly lousy, I find a long shower after a walk in the woods with my camera is the best. And chocolate.
post #25 of 37
Thread Starter 
I told him he isn't the one that has to go through it and what does he know will make me feel comfortable...


He said to not try to pull the card that it's my first time to get my way... whatever that is supposed to mean. I do like to point that out to him, because he likes to be all high and mighty since he has seen one birth in his life.


I feel utterly sick that he can be so non-compasionate at all to this.
post #26 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
He told me I better not go behind his back and do it either because he will kick her out of the room and be really really pissed at me.
Well, if my husband said that to me, I can tell you that somebody would get kicked out of the birthing room, and it WOULDN'T be the doula! :
post #27 of 37
Have your midwife talk to him. Next time you are due for a check in, make sure hes there and ahead of time, call your midwife and ask her to drop it into conversation so you do not have to bring it up. It seems a little sneaky but in situations like this... you do what you have to do to get the support you need. ESPECIALLY since this is your first time! You need support.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL! He cant kick people out of the room. You cna kick people out of the room and you have every right to kick him out. I had the nurses kick my ex out of the room when I was delivering DS. They told him it was for medical reasons because my blood pressure kept spiking.
post #28 of 37
Ok, if I am off base, please just ignore this post.

His conversation with you, your fear to bring up topics with him, etc. sounds like he is very emotionally controlling/abusive to you. I would never hesitate to talk to my dh about the birth of our child and what I wanted and he would never belittle and blackmail me ("if you go behind his back, he will be mad").

I have a friend that her husband was like yours sounds like. It tore up her whole life and children's lives.

Please seek some family or personal couseling! This just doesn't sound like a healthy situation.
post #29 of 37
Are you planning on taking any birth classes?? If so - I would recommend a bradley class if you can do it. It really helped my husband see and hear what I needed for a birth experience - security, and support, which just happened to be support for both of us in the form of a doula.

All I can offer is a lot of hugs right now, anda suggestion keep at your husband, talk about your birth and what you want out of it - its your first and each one is unique and different in their own ways. So while it might have been easy for his ex, you have needs which need to be met for this to be successful to you.

Also I would never say it was money wasted on a doula - ever, even if the birth was a slam dunk! That would be like saying 'cheerleaders or coaches are a waste to sports'
post #30 of 37
Thread Starter 
Well, I think we came to something last night... he still thinks it's unneccessary and it came out that he thinks this because we are doing the classes so he thinks I should learn enough from those to feel comfortable. I told him I really feel I need a doula and would be more comfortable with that, so I think he is putting it down to either classes or a doula.

I'm thinking a doula would be much more beneficial at the time than a one day class. lol


But my question is... where do I find information that I would have learned at the class? Such as breathing techniues, or different birth positions? Anyone have some good book recomendations?
post #31 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
But my question is... where do I find information that I would have learned at the class? Such as breathing techniues, or different birth positions? Anyone have some good book recomendations?
That is something your doula can go over with you!!
post #32 of 37
That, and I highly recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin. I'm not taking a refresher course, and I'm going to have my mom and DH read the birthing techniques part. It's a great, inspiring read!

Glad you have come to a compromise...
post #33 of 37
ditto acorey--that's what doulas are so great for! She should definitely be able to suggest positions, and even practice them with you in your prenatal visit so it's not a surprise when she suggests it during labor.
post #34 of 37
Thread Starter 
Ruth, I finally received my copy of Ina May's guide yesterday and have been very busy reading and absorbing. lol


Acory and Blooming! Oh great! I feel so releived. And great idea on asking to go over and practive at a prenat appointment.

She also has told me she has no problems laboring with me at home for however long I feel I need her, then she will accompany me to the hospital and she thought it was a wonderful idea for me to labor at home for as long as I feel comfortable doing so.
post #35 of 37
I honestly think that if I had to choose, a doula would be, to me at least, waaaaay more worth the money spent than a class. You can learn all the information you want but in the heat of labor, its easy to forget things and no class can really fully prepare you. A doula has been there, done that, and could write a book on it. She will be there with you every step of the way. She can even guard-dog against hospital staff if the need arises.

Im so happy you went with the doula option.

(BTW, when I go on maternity leave (what my bosses dont know rigt now is that I will not be returning full time... ever), I am going to start my training to become a doula.
post #36 of 37
Thread Starter 
I have to say I already love my doula! She has been so incredibly understanding and patient with me asking her a million questions already and comforting me and supporting me!

She is also a birth educator so she said anything I feel shaky on she will go over with me and sent me this little questionairre for things I'd like more info on. She said she would never send any of her clients into birth blind.

She has just been amazing and I technically haven't even contracted with her yet! lol


I told her just now I'd like to set up our first meeting so I can give her the deposit. *nods*

If DH bulks... I will simply just say that he did mention last night that I get classes or doula and I choose doula. I'm doing what is best for me and he can deal. *nods* If he wants to be a part of this he has no choice. *nods*


Thank you Mamas for helping give me the support I needed to regain my footing here... pregnancy has me wildly emotional and more of a scaredy cat than usual. Usually I have no problem telling DH where to put his opinions.
post #37 of 37
I'm happy you're getting a Doula. It really helps to have have someone to talk to, who is passionate about pregnancy and birth, and a Doula fits the bill!

Sorry you're DH isn't being very compassionate. While I know they don't always 'get' it, what we're going through, I often feel they could at least pretend to!
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