How to Tell the Families...

[BrownRiceBaby]

A bit of background: neither my nor DH's family is on board with the idea of homebirthing. DH's family had a pretty bad scare with his SIL's HB turning into an emergent situation and ending in a emergency Cesaerean (I still don't know exactly what happened, as she pretty much refused to talk about it afterwards, and MIL, who was there, wouldn't say much, either, so, no clue as to what the issue really was. But knowing my SIL, there must have been a legitimate reason for transfer; she was, um, SET on HB, to put it mildly), so they're pretty sketched out by the whole thing, now, and my own family...well, yeah, they're not on board. Plus, there are family members on both sides who are medical professionals who would FREAK. OUT if they knew, so we have not told ANY family member our plans. (Not even SIL, actually...)

However. Most of our friends know, and the ones who don't will quickly find out, either from other friends, or after the fact. And our families are coming for the baby's christening, as are all of our friends, so even if we WANTED to not ever tell our families (which is not the case; we ARE planning to tell them afterwards), I know that it would probably come out in the course of the friends-and-family mingling, anyways.

Question: how to go about telling them that this birth did not happen the way that they assume it did, while not hurting feelings or coming off as superior or condescending?

My initial idea was to just say it when we called to say that Baby's here, sidestepping any mention of hospitals or birth centers in the "she's in labor" phone calls. Our "script" went something like this: "Yes, she's in labor, and progressing nicely." and if someone said "When are you going to the hospital/Are you at the hospital" saying something like, "She's all settled in and we're so excited; we'll give you an update soon" and then, when it's all over, "The Baby's here, he's fine, she's fine, we're resting, etc." and then I know my mom, at least, will ask how long I have to stay in the hospital, and DH will say, "Actually, we did a LOT of research and looked at all of the options, and we decided that having the baby at home was the best choice for us, so that's what we did." I want to add something like, "I know you didn't know that, but we realize that there's a lot of controversy over this choice, and we really did not want you worry. We had a great team with the MW, her assistants, the doula, and all the necessary equipment, and our family had a very peaceful introduction." And that's the part that I'm afraid will come off condescending or snotty, but I know that my mother will definitely need some reassurance that it's not like I feel like I "can't talk to her" or something. We really just do not have the time or the energy to reassure them beforehand that everything will be fine, and I also do NOT need any negative vibes coming from either of our families right now. (Or ever, actually , but if I can do anything to minimize it, I will!)

I really want this to be a time for a good, open dialogue about this choice, but I'm so nervous that we'll accidentally do or say something to turn them off to discussing it rationally with us.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Experiences?

(DH and I did come to this decision gradually, and on our own. After SIL's experience, I swore up and down I'd *never* HB, but, of course, that was before we started to educate ourselves and dispell the myths that have been building up in our psyches since we were small, so I know it's not an overnight thing. I just really want this initial introduction to go well for them. I'd particularly appreciate any sharing about how YOU came to the decision to HB, if anyone feels comfortable with that.)

Thanks for reading; I'm sorry it's so long!

[barefootpoetry]

We decided not to tell our families that we were HBing prior to the birth. We let the cat out of the bag afterwards, and while they were shocked and surprised, they weren't angry or anything - how could they be, with a beautiful new grandbaby to love??

My advice is to stop worrying about what your family thinks. You're not your SIL. If one of your relatives got in a car accident, would they come crashing down on you for riding in a car? Bad outcomes happen both at home and in the hospital and yadda yadda yadda. If I'd had a homebirth with my first child, it's likely I would not have had a C-section. I stayed home with my second to avoid another one! So for me, home is safer, as it is for many, MANY women.

Anyone - and this applies not only to family but to anyone else who wants to be a killjoy - who would be rude enough to disrupt a pregnant woman's peaceful gestation with horror stories or any other sort of negativity doesnt' deserve your consideration. It's likely that no matter how hard you try, you're not going to convert them anyway, so why put yoruself through that stress? Just say, "Thank you for your concern, but we've researched our options, and this is the best choice for us."

Or just take the easy way out and fib your way through pregnancy like I did.

[BrownRiceBaby]

Thanks; I'm glad to see someone else who made the same decision had a good result. I'm really comfortable with this decision, but I appreciate the confirmation.

I'm really interested in knowing how to break the news afterward, could you tell me a little more about how it went? Did you do an "Oh, by the way" type thing, or did you sit them down and have a little spiel about all the research you did, etc? (If it helps, DH and I are going to give both sets of parents their own copy of Gentle Birth Choices, by Barbara Harper.)

[laohaire]

I think the speech is fine, but I wouldn't give it unless prompted. It sounds defensive to deliver the whole speech before someone has a chance to react. And, while maybe not likely, you never know - sometimes people surprise you. So I guess if someone says "So are you home from the hospital yet?" your DH can just reply "Actually, we did the birth at home." Then let them react. Then do the speech if necessary. If the reaction is like "Oh" (speechless), probably no need to do the speech Family can process the information and then decide whether to be cool about it, at least to your face, or to challenge it. But just giving the whole speech without someone saying "You're kidding me, what were you thinking, you could have died" or something - just seems defensive when you don't need to defend your decision.

[barefootpoetry]

Originally Posted by BrownRiceBaby

I'm really interested in knowing how to break the news afterward, could you tell me a little more about how it went? Did you do an "Oh, by the way" type thing, or did you sit them down and have a little spiel about all the research you did, etc? (If it helps, DH and I are going to give both sets of parents their own copy of Gentle Birth Choices, by Barbara Harper.)

Our homebirth was unique in that it wasn't in our home, it was at the former home of one of my midwives, which was currently empty. We chose to birth there because it was closer to the hospital than my house and overall, my house just wasn't the best birth environment. I was agonizing over whether or not to break it to my mom prior to the birth, and as it turned out she gave me a perfect opportunity to tell the partial truth. She made a comment that led me to believe that she assumed she would be taking me to the hospital and be present at the birth (um, no), so I flubbed the truth a little and said I would be LABORING at my midwife's house, she would take me there, and that we would go in to the hospital "at the last minute." My mom was a little perplexed by this, but accepted it.

After it was all said and done, I called her and said, "You have a new grandson!" She was like, "WHAT?! Already?! Why didn't you call me?" So I said, "Well, the baby just came so fast (nudgenudgewinkwink) that we didn't make to the hospital, so he was born at the house!" She freaked out just a little, insisting that I go to the hospital to be checked out to make sure I was okay (we told her we were taking DS2 to the ped the next day which was true, so that was covered), but I think it did eventually dawn on her that we did this on purpose. I'm not sure why I was so afraid to tell her now that her reaction wasn't that bad, but you know how it is with mothers.

I don't know how DH broke the news to his family. THey didn't give me any grief either. Everyone was amazingly accepting of it, to my face at least. I'm sure behind my back they all think I'm a raving lunatic, but I don't care.

I've heard many parents use the "oh the baby just came so fast we didn't have time to get to the hospital!" excuse, which does actually happen sometimes so it's not too far-fetched.

[2+twins]

I think that when they find out and want to know why you didn't say anything, you should simply say that you feared your decision wouldn't be well supported and being pregnant, you weren't in the emotional state to handle the stress of that, so as much as you *wanted* to share, you decided that you'd just share after the fact. Also, I'd recommend never telling people you are in labor unless they're going to be involved in the birth somehow. That way you don't have to worry about phrasing this or that - just don't mention it. I never called anyone when I was in labor except those involved and no one ever asked why I didn't. It just didn't come up - I had work to do.

[peainthepod]

We told our families without fear or shame because we are responsible adults and our families know better than to try and change our minds. I've guarded my privacy very jealously during the entire pregnancy and this is one of those issues (like our decision not to vax and not to circ, among other things) that is simply not open for discussion. I have no problem shutting negative people down with a few polite but choice words, and DH has been equally good about shielding me from well-meaning but ignorant relatives and their negativity.

The last thing you need is extra anxiety surrounding your birth and frankly, you don't owe an explanation to anybody. It's understandable that your family would worry, but you're a grown woman and this is your decision, not theirs. Do whatever you must to keep your birth as peaceful and positive as you can. If this means lying to them about where you're having the baby, so be it. People who can't handle the truth like rational adults don't deserve to be kept in the loop, IMO.

[BrownRiceBaby]

Originally Posted by laohaire

It sounds defensive to deliver the whole speech before someone has a chance to react. And, while maybe not likely, you never know - sometimes people surprise you.

This is a VERY good point, and had not occurred to me! The last thing we want to do is come off as ashamed of our decision. Our families are great people, who love us very much, and I'd hate for them to be reinforced in their negative stereotypes of HB by anything we did or said. This was very helpful.

DH and I came to this decision through a lot of very interesting reading, and quite a bit of open, non-judgemental dialogue with various people in our community. No one made us feel stupid or ignorant for not knowing, and no one made us feel as if we'd made the wrong decision by starting with an OB (by the time we'd found people to talk to, I'd been feeling pretty self-conscious about all of our ignorance, and ashamed of my inability to NOT trust my OB, even though my instincts were writhing away from him ). I really want to emulate the love and kindness shown by these amazing people when we see our families, and I really hope that they can use this positive experience of HB as a way to become more informed and comfortable with the way we'll be doing things. (This will not, we hope, be our only child!) Being defensive right off the bat is probably not going to be the way to go.

[chic2chic]

Originally Posted by laohaire

And, while maybe not likely, you never know - sometimes people surprise you.

i wasn't planning to tell my parents about our planned homebirth. (they live very far away, so it would have been easy enough.)

however, it sort of just came out during a recent phone conversation, and i was shocked by their reaction. i fully expected them to "freak out" -- and instead they just said, "oh, yeah, we figured you were planning to do something like that"! their only concern was whether the birth would be unassisted, and i reassured them that it wouldn't be (if our MW gets here on time, that is!).

it was a huge load off my mind, and not the big deal i had expected it to be (and i had already been planning how i was going to break the news after the fact).

so, it's true, people sure can surprise you.

[mom2tatum]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I think the speech is fine, but I wouldn't give it unless prompted. It sounds defensive to deliver the whole speech before someone has a chance to react. And, while maybe not likely, you never know - sometimes people surprise you. So I guess if someone says "So are you home from the hospital yet?" your DH can just reply "Actually, we did the birth at home." Then let them react. Then do the speech if necessary. If the reaction is like "Oh" (speechless), probably no need to do the speech Family can process the information and then decide whether to be cool about it, at least to your face, or to challenge it. But just giving the whole speech without someone saying "You're kidding me, what were you thinking, you could have died" or something - just seems defensive when you don't need to defend your decision.

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