Striving to be the perfect mother..ugh

[LivingFate]

I feel like I'm on this constant emotional physically draining rollarcoaster always striving to be the "best" mother always feeling like I fall short. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough...seems to always be an issue. I feel like all this time has gone by yet I haven't even began to do or accomplish what I've wanted (child wise)

Anyone else ever feel like this? How do you get out of this cycle?

[tinahiggins]

For me, a huge part of it was letting myself realize I am human, and noticing my kids are happiest when i don't push so hard to get things done. . .
I read a book once where the mom was taking her child to a dance class to enrich the child's life. They pass a park on the way that the child wants to play at, and they don't go because they have to make dance class.
What stuck with me was that the kid didn't care, she just wanted to be with her mom.
It's okay to stay in your pajamas all day and just hang out on the floor and eat peanut butter and *gasp* watch a cartoon every once in a while. Don't be afraid to play on the computer while your kids play on the floor. Outside time is good, if the weather will allow. I go out in the backyard with a book, and there is enough going on, even with just a slide and a dog to where I get a few minutes to not be a jungle gym. . . . and the babies have a blast.

[Amys1st]

Before I type up a positive response, I want to know- what would make you think you have to be the perfect mother and why would you want to be?? What is that goal that you want to reach but seem to be failing since you're a human?? HTHs a bit.

[LivingFate]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

Before I type up a positive response, I want to know- what would make you think you have to be the perfect mother and why would you want to be?? What is that goal that you want to reach but seem to be failing since you're a human?? HTHs a bit.

I guess it stems from my childhood. Also feeling let down, not loved etc. I feel inadequate. I don't want to ever have my dc to feel like I did growing up.

[angie7]

You will never be perfect, NEVER, b/c no one is. You are human, you will make mistakes and things won't go your way. You will not be able to 100% make your child happy. You are setting the bar too high, and in turn setting yourself up for failure. Drop the bar and enjoy being a mother. I think one thing that most parents do is they try to "fix" their childhood with their own children. I know with mine it was 1. important that I stay home with them, I grew up in a 2 income family and was left alone a lot-very lonely 2. my brother was favored so I in turn try to make things too even, to the point that I stress my self out (I'm working on that) 3. listening to my child, I was never listened too always ignored...these are just a few. But in the end, I know that I can only do what I can do. I know when they grow up they are going to want to "fix" things that they lacked when they were children. It's a cycle, one that most of us (if not all) live. Give your self a break mama, and just enjoy your baby

[meemee]

i never strived to be the best mother. all i wanted was to connect with this little person who so trusted me - and find out what she wanted out of life. many times of course i have 'failed' - but the other times i have scored big time.

i remember the pain from my childhood and though i have made some of the big mistakes - i swore that was not going to be the way to raise my daughter.

so she guided me how to be her parent. and i followed her. i understood how important independence was for her and respected her wishes. we got to make rules together and figure out if the rules were acceptable to both of us and if they indeed were necessary and when they could be bent a little.

but yes!!! i relate to the feeling when she was a toddler. now that she is 6 and expressing how much she enjoys that in our house sometimes we go by her rules and sometimes we go by my rules - i see that we have built up the connection i have always wanted with my child.

now i have to keep my focus and build on it and be hopeful that we will continue to share this deep bond we have now.

what has really upset me was not the mistakes i made. but all the missed opportunities i didnt have the courage then to act upon my innner feelings.

the fact that you even care to post this topic, that you are asking - just shows how much loved your children feel.

and children are human too. v. forgiving and they too realise mommy needs a break and cant do it all.

the only thing i can leave u with is that i have a bitter sweet relationship with my parents. i have a lot of hurt from them, but there is also a lot of love and joy. and i understand that no matter what we were loved. they just never had the support or the guidance to how to be parents. so in a way its easy to feel forgiveness towards them.

but it also raises teh question in me why do i feel the way i did. because it wasnt them who hurt me. it was me myself. why did i feel that way.

[LynnS6]

Part of it is dealing with our own baggage I think, part of it is prioritizing, and part of it is seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Sometimes my best parenting insights have come after particularly rotten failures.

Examples:
When running errands with my kids, they could handle two, not three (or more) stops when they were young.

It's better to say no to a trip to the park when it's too close to dinner and endure the tantrum at home than it is to go to the park and try to drag a hungry, tired child home! THAT tantrum is 10 times worse.

If I hit one of my kids, I need a time out PRONTO. My kids get an apology and a hug later, when I'm able to control myself. (This doesn't happen often, but it's happened twice recently with dd, much to my horror. I'm still trying to figure out what triggered such rage in me.) I think my kids learn from my mistakes too - my errors have led to some good discussions with dd about what we do when we get angry.


Many great inventions were made by mistake too!
http://www.3m.com/us/office/postit/p...istory_ws.html

[east carolina]

I struggle with this as well. I think most parents do too. I mean, when we feel we weren't parenting with patience and understanding and instead got gruff, ruffled, huffy and angry at something we later saw was not such a big deal or could have been handled better on out part, it's very natural to feel disappointed in ourselves.

What's important to realize, like a pp said, is that there is no such thing as perfection. And we can only change what we do right now, not what we did. We can apologize and learn from mistakes but obsessing over them to the point of anxiety does nothing good for our parenting abilities. Modeling good behavior continues and bad days can be very enlightening for parent and child, especially if the parent later apologizes and talks about better ways to cope with frustration and what was frustrating in the first place.

What I struggle with most is acting on all of my knowledge and self-awareness. I am aware and own the impact of my mom's mothering on my own mothering. I am aware that I am a low-energy person and get drained easily by my 3.5 year-olds incessant demands and changes of mind and opinion. But how to utilize this to prevent frustration from bubbling over and impacting my mood and my behavior is something I have far from mastered.

[ErikaG]

My LC said something to me when my daughter was newborn and we were at the beginning of our never-ending breastfeeding struggles...she said, "Look at it this way-you could be a bad mother and not trying so hard to breastfeed."

It helped me reframe things in my own head. I'm not the perfect mother. I'm the perfect mother for my own child. And you are the perfect mother for your own child. But no one can be a better mother to my own child than I can.

[alexsam]

It took me a while to also come to the point where I decided "perfection is not perfect". Imagine a child growing up with a "perfect" mom- you never raised your voice, you always said just the right thing for kiddo to hear, you did everything perfect at home and arranged for perfect activities, etc... First, there would be many definitions of what that would be (for some, a perfect mom might entail giving kids a lot of freedom, for others it might be more supervision, for example). Who defines "perfect"? Second, what does that child grow up to think of the world? Does "the perfect mom" REALLY impart all the lessons of life that a mom needs to teach? What happens if she is so "perfect" she never shows (teaches!) anger? Never needs forgiveness? How does a child learn to deal with their own mistakes if they never see mom struggle? How do they learn to deal with others and their worlds if the only world they have ever known has totally revolved around THEM? Do they see her as a martyr? Do they even see her at all? Which brings me to... Third, since NO ONE is "perfect", who is this perfect mom that the child knows? The only answer is that the "perfect mom" is a fake. Since we all have quirks, things that drive us crazy, times of stress, times when we are sad or angry, times when we HAVE to choose between things that are less than ideal... The only way that "perfection" can happen is if there is a cover-up of these things- hence, a fraud. I realized that if I was "perfect mom" my kids would never know ME. If I censored all my words and emotions to be "perfect", they would miss out on my passion, my real thoughts, my honsety... No matter how you cut it, "perfect mom" is inauthentic. I want my sons to know ME as a person and I want our relationships to be REAL. And that means that sometimes, they get to see my lunatic side. And I get to see theirs... And we all learn to live together, warts and all. And hopefully, we laugh about them.

If there is baggage (which there seems to be in your case... I'm sorry ) I think that needs to be dealt with. I think though, knowing that you are a genuinely good person, a good mom and that perfect is not only impossible but undesireable and being YOU is the most important part can make a big difference in letting the "perfect" be laid to rest.

[CarsonBookworm]

I realized recently that "mommy perfection" was an illusion. I understand the desire to try to attain that standard, and from time to time drive myself insane trying to be "perfect mommy.".....DH is pretty good about helping me out in that regard.

[praisehimau]

I really like what everyone has said here. I can't be perfect and no one can. I also think sometimes we expect our kids to be perfect, yet we aren't ourselves, so how can we expect our kids to be?
Just some thoughts.
Steph

[SAHDS]

Originally Posted by LivingFate

I guess it stems from my childhood. Also feeling let down, not loved etc. I feel inadequate. I don't want to ever have my dc to feel like I did growing up.

I know how that is.

You'll never be perfect, but being the best you can be is enough.

[Girlprof]

I read something early after my son was born about being a good enough parent. Not perfect, not even the best I could be, just good enough.

Good enough is good enough, you know? Being a mom is my most important project in life. But it is not my only project in life.

[Periwinkle]

It's okay to stay in your pajamas all day and just hang out on the floor and eat peanut butter

Really? I beg to differ. Sorry, not trying to single anyone out but I read this and was like... huh? I agree hook line and sinker that perfectionism is the worst thing in the world and love what has been written so far on that front, but... well, there's a happy medium here, and I think that decompensating as an adult is just as bad as being Bree on "Desperate Housewives."

[Freefromitall]

Originally Posted by Periwinkle

Really? I beg to differ. Sorry, not trying to single anyone out but I read this and was like... huh? I agree hook line and sinker that perfectionism is the worst thing in the world and love what has been written so far on that front, but... well, there's a happy medium here, and I think that decompensating as an adult is just as bad as being Bree on "Desperate Housewives."

I think the key part was where she said it was okay, *once in awhile.*
No one is advocating having what we call around here "a lazy day" every single day. But once in awhile, it's okay for everyone to throw on the comfy pants and just have a relaxing fun day.

[Periwinkle]

Originally Posted by Freefromitall

I think the key part was where she said it was okay, *once in awhile.*
No one is advocating having what we call around here "a lazy day" every single day. But once in awhile, it's okay for everyone to throw on the comfy pants and just have a relaxing fun day.

Okay. I thought "once in a while" referred ONLY to watching cartoons, which is why I left that part of the sentence out.

[Freefromitall]

Ah. Gotcha

[MeepyCat]

It helps me a lot to stay in the moment. The best days I have with my son are the days when we're on Toddler Standard Time - when we don't *have* to do anything or be anywhere. We play with each other when that's what he wants, and he has, I admit, seen almost the entire run of West Wing on DVD, and now and then he goes streaking off to bang spoons on cups or put funnels into shoes and I can just hang out and watch. I try and get a few hours of that kind of time in every week, a whole day if I can manage it, but I can't always. Sometimes I think that the best thing I can do for him at this age is just to be in reach - to sit on the floor (preferably in my pajamas), and be available if he wants me.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by LivingFate

I guess it stems from my childhood. Also feeling let down, not loved etc. I feel inadequate. I don't want to ever have my dc to feel like I did growing up.

ditto. This is how I feel. My DH tells me constantly that I do too much, take on too many activities and try too hard but I do it mostly because my own mom never did. She worked all the time, usually working 2-3 jobs, my parents divorced when I was young and that whole relationship between them was always horrible since I could remember, my sisters and I never really got along (still don't) and I just wanted better for my own children.

As my kids get older I strive to do more with them at home and just try to stay down to earth but I still tend to overdo it at times and that's fine too. I'm only human. I just want what is best for them. No harm in that. I don't want to ever look back and think that I should have done something different.

It's not that I try to be a "perfect" mom as much as I just try to take on too much. I want to bake and cook from scratch, which we all know takes lots of time, I homeschool, I go to college, I work part-time, I do things with my children outside the home to make them happy, etc. I stay busy sometimes and at times I get stressed - BUT I also remember that one day I won't have the kids here to do all this stuff (when they grow up and move on) so that makes it all seem worthwhile to me. Plus, I want them to have great memories of their childhood.