Striving to be the perfect mother..ugh - Page 2

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by alexsam

It took me a while to also come to the point where I decided "perfection is not perfect". Imagine a child growing up with a "perfect" mom- you never raised your voice, you always said just the right thing for kiddo to hear, you did everything perfect at home and arranged for perfect activities, etc... First, there would be many definitions of what that would be (for some, a perfect mom might entail giving kids a lot of freedom, for others it might be more supervision, for example). Who defines "perfect"? Second, what does that child grow up to think of the world? Does "the perfect mom" REALLY impart all the lessons of life that a mom needs to teach? What happens if she is so "perfect" she never shows (teaches!) anger? Never needs forgiveness? How does a child learn to deal with their own mistakes if they never see mom struggle? How do they learn to deal with others and their worlds if the only world they have ever known has totally revolved around THEM? Do they see her as a martyr? Do they even see her at all? Which brings me to... Third, since NO ONE is "perfect", who is this perfect mom that the child knows? The only answer is that the "perfect mom" is a fake. Since we all have quirks, things that drive us crazy, times of stress, times when we are sad or angry, times when we HAVE to choose between things that are less than ideal... The only way that "perfection" can happen is if there is a cover-up of these things- hence, a fraud. I realized that if I was "perfect mom" my kids would never know ME. If I censored all my words and emotions to be "perfect", they would miss out on my passion, my real thoughts, my honsety... No matter how you cut it, "perfect mom" is inauthentic. I want my sons to know ME as a person and I want our relationships to be REAL. And that means that sometimes, they get to see my lunatic side. And I get to see theirs... And we all learn to live together, warts and all. And hopefully, we laugh about them.

I LOVE this - saving to my "favorite MDC stuff" file for future reference... I was going to post something, but I'll just say : to the above.

[siobhang]

I think one thing that helps me is to realize that I am not 100% responsible for how my child turns out - and possibly not even 50%.

I think in the US, we have this basic theory that kids are blank slates (with a touch of personal preferences and talents, of course), and everything that happens during those first five years will fundamentally change them forever - for good or for bad.

So we have to rush in, either with the baby einstein videos or academic preschool, or with extended nursing, gentle discipline, or cloth diapers - because we believe these parenting decisions will fundamentally shape the basic nature of our child.

Bollocks.

yes, children who are exposed to severe abuse or neglect will carry those emotional scars the rest of their lives. But that is an extreme that (thankfully) is rare - and to be honest, a parent worried about being perfect for her child is not likely to be one committing the sort of extreme abuse/neglect that causes such fundamental damage.

Kids are
a. more resilient than we often give them credit for;
b. people in their own right, who may not be as "mold-able" by parents as we are often lead to believe; and
c. are usually more influenced by the people we are, rather than the behaviors we demonstrate.

So if you want to be a good mother - try to be a good person. Work on your own demons and baggage to give yourself peace, self-confidence, and joy in your life. Admit your mistakes, forgive yourself and others, and show kindness to all, including yourself.

The lessons your children will learn just from seeing you treat yourself and others with the sort of respect and love that we all deserve will be so much more meaningful than making the perfect food or playing the perfect games.

Btw, my own reasoning for following AP is because it is a philosophy that ressonates with dh and my value system and our beliefs about the easiest ways to raise our children. We are not trying to practice AP with any intention of getting specific outcomes from our kids, but rather we are finding that AP methods are helping us find a great relationship with our children that makes us all work better as a family.

Hope this helps.

[Dandelionkid]

Hey, I had an A+ as a mom the first few days of dd's life. It's only gone downhill from there I figure I am around a D+ or - right now. I just finished praying for God' grace to cover all these mistakes I feel like I am making. Reality is: we aren't perfect and our kids won't be either.