I cannot believe this!

[BlissfullyLoving]

I just found out that the midwife that caught ds has unexpectedly retired. We loved and trusted her. I cannot imagine another person at my birth. I am still in shock.

I anticipated this birth similar to ds's and different. We had a very low key fast home birth with ds. He was born by candlelight in our bathtub. The midwife arrived about half an hour before I felt the urge to start pushing, and he was born after half an hour of pushing. It was perfect and ideal for us. I suspected that I would like a lot of privacy birthing, and during the birth I realized that need was much greater then I even imagined. I labored mostly alone.

This time, because I was so drawn to being alone last time, I thought that I would do a compromise UC. I would work with our midwife during the pregnancy and ask her to be at the house during the birth. She was to stay in another room or floor unless we requested her. The other idea I had was to allow her in the room with me while I birthed, but no one would be allowed to speak unless there was an emergency. In ds's birth I did not find the chatter distracting, but it alerted me to their presence. I am not sure how much I "performed" because of it, but I know that the information she gave me changed my behavior. She was open to both of these ideas.

Now what? I love the idea of UCing, but I do not want to transfer over something that an experienced birth partner could have helped at home. I want to give birth at home, and I do not want a doubt or fear to interfere with that. Some women can birth by themselves with complete confidence...I am nervous that I will not be confident in my ability to recognize a problem while I am laboring/birthing. This would cut away at my confidence and not be the right mind set I need to be in to give birth. Once in this mindset I would not be able to connect to my intuition for peace or the alert that something does require attention.

I do not know if I want to even try to find another midwife. I know some of the midwives in the area, and I cannot even imagine birthing with them in my house. How many of them will respect my need to have a hands-off birth?

Thanks for reading this...I am not going to even start "looking" into other midwives for another 4 weeks. I have a back-up office I work with if I have any concerns before then. I never thought I would even have to think about a midwife for this baby...it was a given that we would work with ds's midwife.

[no5no5]

I am sure you will be able to figure out something that will work for you. I was recently reminded that birth is always full of surprises. Maybe you will end up having an even better--albeit unexpected--midwife/birth.

[groovynaturemama]

deep breath, mama. i don't know any of the midwives in your area, but i can't imagine they'd all not be open to a hands off birth. if i were in your shoes, i'd interview several, and flat out let them know your expectations of them, and what you are and aren't willing to compromise on. i'd sit down and make a list of the first, second, and third most important things before going on the interviews and take that along with a list of questions/expectations to the interviews. also, is there any way you can get ahold of your first midwife and see if she can give you a recommendation of another midwife she really trusts? i'm just throwing out ideas here, hth.

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by no5no5

I am sure you will be able to figure out something that will work for you. I was recently reminded that birth is always full of surprises. Maybe you will end up having an even better--albeit unexpected--midwife/birth.

Thanks. I know. Things happen for a reason...right? It was just such a surprise. We have a lot of time to figure out if we want to UC or hire another midwife. I am hoping we can find someone that trusts and respects my needs to have the prenatal and birth experience I want, but is also capable of handling an emergency if necessary. And, most importantly, be able to distinguish an emergency from a non-emergency situation. I can get prenatal care from my back-up until then.

Originally Posted by liss_420

deep breath, mama. i don't know any of the midwives in your area, but i can't imagine they'd all not be open to a hands off birth. if i were in your shoes, i'd interview several, and flat out let them know your expectations of them, and what you are and aren't willing to compromise on. i'd sit down and make a list of the first, second, and third most important things before going on the interviews and take that along with a list of questions/expectations to the interviews. also, is there any way you can get ahold of your first midwife and see if she can give you a recommendation of another midwife she really trusts? i'm just throwing out ideas here, hth.

You are so right! I let my fears get the best of me there. I was thinking along those same lines. I am going to get recommendations from the retired midwife and also from a good friend that is a natural birth advocate. I will then interview and tell the potential midwife exactly what we are looking for. I guess I am most scared because there are not a lot of midwives in my area, and I am not sure how many will be receptive to being hands-off...not too many if anecdotes are true. Then on top of that we have to have that good, trusting feeling with her. I just have to have faith that this will work out. Thanks again!

[redebeth]

Our midwife with 2 & 3 had retired before our i was pregnant with our last baby. I know your sadness! I wanted her and noone else, so I decided to ask her if she would please please please be our midwife one more time and YaY! she said yes! Showing up with a bunch of cash probably helped our chances, too. Seriously, though, I was worried about her doing it, but not really wanting to, you know, but I never sensed that from her.

So. I guess this is a long way of saying have you asked her? Or has she already said she's all done? Otherwise, I agree with everything already said by pp.

[redebeth]

Oh yeah, I forgot to say I was just dropping by. not in your DDC!

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by redebeth

Our midwife with 2 & 3 had retired before our i was pregnant with our last baby. I know your sadness! I wanted her and noone else, so I decided to ask her if she would please please please be our midwife one more time and YaY! she said yes! Showing up with a bunch of cash probably helped our chances, too. Seriously, though, I was worried about her doing it, but not really wanting to, you know, but I never sensed that from her.

So. I guess this is a long way of saying have you asked her? Or has she already said she's all done? Otherwise, I agree with everything already said by pp.

I have not personally talked to her yet. She told my friend that just had a birth with her that she was retired. I will talk with her. Your story makes me optimistic! Thanks for the suggestion. I do not think I will ask her to attend our birth unless she shows interest in doing it. She is the type of person that cannot say no to people, which I think is why she is retiring. I think she is burned out completely.

[blissful_maia]

I am really sorry this is happening. The bond that you can build with someone you trust to share in your birth experience is a very strong one. I hope after the initial sadness fades, you can open yourself up to new possibilities. I trust that you will draw a wonderful, unhindered birth-supporting midwife! :

[WeasleyMum]

Originally Posted by redebeth

Oh yeah, I forgot to say I was just dropping by. not in your DDC!

Given that it seems you just gave birth a few weeks ago, that's probably a very good thing! You want to space these events out just a little, most likely, haha.

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by blissful_maia

I am really sorry this is happening. The bond that you can build with someone you trust to share in your birth experience is a very strong one. I hope after the initial sadness fades, you can open yourself up to new possibilities. I trust that you will draw a wonderful, unhindered birth-supporting midwife! :

Exactly. Thanks, I know I will find someone too.

[heatherh]

Originally Posted by BlissfullyLoving

I am going to get recommendations from the retired midwife and also from a good friend that is a natural birth advocate. I will then interview and tell the potential midwife exactly what we are looking for. I guess I am most scared because there are not a lot of midwives in my area, and I am not sure how many will be receptive to being hands-off...not too many if anecdotes are true. Then on top of that we have to have that good, trusting feeling with her. I just have to have faith that this will work out. Thanks again!

If things don't work themselves out with the original midwife, I would suggest that when you interview the potential midwives that you not tell them exactly what you want and see what they think. Ask leading questions to see if they think the way you want. Questions like this (before you explain exactly what you want):

* During the birth, how do you balance my need for support vs privacy?
* During the birth, how do you determine when to touch/interact more?
* At a typical birth, how much time do you think you spend right next to me vs elsewhere in the room, in the next room, etc?

After all, you want somebody who already works like you need - not somebody you have to convince/negotiate with. If you can find somebody who tends to not interfere but can just kind of "know" when to check on you, guide you, whatever... then she would naturally work better with you.

[redebeth]

Originally Posted by BlissfullyLoving

I have not personally talked to her yet. She told my friend that just had a birth with her that she was retired. I will talk with her. Your story makes me optimistic! Thanks for the suggestion. I do not think I will ask her to attend our birth unless she shows interest in doing it. She is the type of person that cannot say no to people, which I think is why she is retiring. I think she is burned out completely.

I was very nervous about being 'rejected' by my midwife, it was hard for me to ask her. I think she still likes attending births, but the grind of 2 or more a month was too much for her to schedule her life around. Honestly, she didn't seem unhappy at all that I asked her, really the opposite. Good luck, I wish you well!

[calmom]

that is emotionally rough! i bonded in a HUGE way with my partner midwives. with a subsequent pregnancy, they weren't together anymore and i chose one and grieved the other. there's something very special about the relationsihp with your midwife.

we live an hour and a half away now from our midwives and i don't even know if they would drive this far. i guess i will find out in a few weeks.

and yes, things WILL work out!

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by heatherh

If things don't work themselves out with the original midwife, I would suggest that when you interview the potential midwives that you not tell them exactly what you want and see what they think. Ask leading questions to see if they think the way you want. Questions like this (before you explain exactly what you want):

* During the birth, how do you balance my need for support vs privacy?
* During the birth, how do you determine when to touch/interact more?
* At a typical birth, how much time do you think you spend right next to me vs elsewhere in the room, in the next room, etc?

After all, you want somebody who already works like you need - not somebody you have to convince/negotiate with. If you can find somebody who tends to not interfere but can just kind of "know" when to check on you, guide you, whatever... then she would naturally work better with you.

That is a good point Heather. I think I will go this route, but I will not hire a midwife until I tell them exactly what I am looking for. Also, I (like all of us) have a great intuition. I know that will guide me.

Originally Posted by redebeth

I was very nervous about being 'rejected' by my midwife, it was hard for me to ask her. I think she still likes attending births, but the grind of 2 or more a month was too much for her to schedule her life around. Honestly, she didn't seem unhappy at all that I asked her, really the opposite. Good luck, I wish you well!

You keep giving me hope.

Originally Posted by calmom

that is emotionally rough! i bonded in a HUGE way with my partner midwives. with a subsequent pregnancy, they weren't together anymore and i chose one and grieved the other. there's something very special about the relationsihp with your midwife.

we live an hour and a half away now from our midwives and i don't even know if they would drive this far. i guess i will find out in a few weeks.

and yes, things WILL work out!

Good luck!

[redebeth]

Originally Posted by WeasleyMum

Given that it seems you just gave birth a few weeks ago, that's probably a very good thing! You want to space these events out just a little, most likely, haha.

That's totally funny cause I'm *not* good at spacing. My 2 and 3 year olds are 12 months and 2weeks apart. (exclusivley bf'ing)

Okay, I'll quit hanging out in your club now, but I will follow this thread to see what happens.

[heatherh]

Originally Posted by BlissfullyLoving

That is a good point Heather. I think I will go this route, but I will not hire a midwife until I tell them exactly what I am looking for. Also, I (like all of us) have a great intuition. I know that will guide me.

Absolutely! Just don't give them too many hints before they tell you about their approach is all I'm sayin'

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by heatherh

Absolutely! Just don't give them too many hints before they tell you about their approach is all I'm sayin'

Definitely will do that.

[BlissfullyLoving]

Well, I put in my first call with the midwife this morning. I left a message. I will update when I hear from her.

[willowsmom]

I don't know if it has been said... but if you really want a UC with just a person you trust backing you up... maybe she could be that person? Not in a full-on midwife capacity... but maybe as someone who knows what to look for, eh?

I want a UC so badly. lol

[BlissfullyLoving]

Originally Posted by willowsmom

I don't know if it has been said... but if you really want a UC with just a person you trust backing you up... maybe she could be that person? Not in a full-on midwife capacity... but maybe as someone who knows what to look for, eh?

I want a UC so badly. lol

This is something I thought about too. We will see what she is willing to do. I have not heard back from her.