Considering potential adoption situation . . lots of questions!

[snuggly mama]

First, if I've used any offensive (ie "biological", "birthparent") language, I apologize. This is a new and very emotional situation. I am open to gentle corrections about appropriate language to use in this circumstance.

A close friend of mine found out recently that her 15 yo ds's girlfriend (who is 16/17) is pregnant. Both sets of biological grandparents want the girl to terminate the pregnancy, but she has said she is not willing to do that. However, both she and the ds admit that they are not at all prepared to parent the baby -- and the bio grandparents have stated that they will not provide any financial support to the baby. So, my friend and I have just started discussing the possibility, should the parents want it, of an open adoption.

Dh and I have been talking about adoption for awhile, and he is interested in and willing to pursue this option should it become available. Sooo, my questions (or the ones I can think of at the moment!) are:

1. How does private adoption work? Homestudy? Legal issues?
2. If the girl is covered under her parent's insurance, what costs (relating to pregnancy and birth) are assumed by the adoptive parents?
3. Anyone have an open adoption with very young birthparents? How does it work out?
4. How do I talk about this with my friend? We've been talking in very basic terms, but obviously, we'd need to talk more to the couple, I imagine?

I want to be extremely sensitive about this, so any information is helpful. This is in the very tentative early stages of discussion and may or may not go through, but dh and I feel like we need more information either way.

[mamarhu]

Is there any way to support the young parents in keeping their child? Either both or one of them? With enough support, could the Mom finish school? Are there programs for teen mothers in your area? Could the Mom and baby live with you - perhaps she could learn to parent her baby with help/coaching? Would you be interested in taking the role of Auntie, rather than Mom?

It is wonderful that you could consider helping this baby. But I really feel the first choice of any baby would be to be with their mother. No matter how young, inexperienced, etc. Could this young couple be helped to make a life for their family?

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by mamarhu

Is there any way to support the young parents in keeping their child? Either both or one of them? With enough support, could the Mom finish school? Are there programs for teen mothers in your area? Could the Mom and baby live with you - perhaps she could learn to parent her baby with help/coaching? Would you be interested in taking the role of Auntie, rather than Mom?

It is wonderful that you could consider helping this baby. But I really feel the first choice of any baby would be to be with their mother. No matter how young, inexperienced, etc. Could this young couple be helped to make a life for their family?

I would consider this before adoption. If there is a way that you could possibly help the family stay together, well, that contribution is just as selfless and priceless as adopting the child as your own.

[chaoticzenmom]

It sounds from your post like this girl is being pressured by her parents to give up her child. That's not a situation that I'd want to be involved in. This is your friend's son and son's girlfriend's baby, not your friends. If you talk with anyone, it should be the mother of the baby.

I'd ask for the grandmother to pass on your phone number to the pregnant mother and ask for her to call you if she's interested in discussing an open adoption with you. She may be a teen, but she's a woman and a mother too.

[snuggly mama]

I know the situation is still pretty volatile at the moment, and it may be that they can figure out some way to parent. I think you all may be giving me a good reality check in that I need to be sure the option to make an adoption plan is the mom's and not coming from either of the grandparents. From what I understand, the parents (teens) are being very uncommunicative right now and, other than rejecting the abortion option, are not talking much to either set of parents (grandparents).

For lots of reasons, I would not really be able to have Mom/baby live with me, though we did actually consider that option as well. I do really believe (though maybe it didn't come across in my first post) that this young mom still has every right to parent her baby if she so chooses, and I am sad that she is receiving such negative reaction from her parents. I guess I probably just jumped a few steps ahead, since adoption is something dh and I have been discussing for awhile.

I do like the idea of possibly having my friend pass along my phone # to the mom to talk directly with her. I think I'll take some time to think all this over and be sure that I'm not reacting with my own interests in mind rather than what this mom feels is the right choice for her/her baby.

[EarthMamaToBe]

I'm kind of surprised to hear that everyone so far thinks and 15 year old and 16 year old high school students would be a better choice as parents for this baby. Don't get me wrong I don't think they should be forced to give up their baby but they are CHILDREN. I think they should be encouraged to give up the baby, if not to this Mama then to another. I'm kind of appalled that both sets of grandparents want the child aborted though.

[chaoticzenmom]

One of my best friends had a baby when she was 16. She was pressured to give up her son by her unsupportive parents. For some reason, the baby was not able to go to the adoptive parents that first night and had to be in a foster home the first night. It was unbearable for her and she decided that with or without thier support, she would keep her baby. She somehow went to get him and is an awesome, awesome mother. She fought her way up and grew up quickly. She became the manager of a jewelry store when her son was 5 through her hard work. It's possible and the age of a mother has nothing to do with her mothering ability. This girl (the mother in the OP's post) is almost college aged and could get family housing on campus and campus childcare in many areas. There are ways to do it. She needs ideas and support instead of pressure from her boyfriend's mother. If she chooses adoption, it should come from her and not from pressure or a lack of support.

To the OP. Now that you've gotten more interested in adoption, I think you should start working on a homestudy! If this girl doesn't choose you to parent her baby, then you can keep looking into your options.

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

I'm kind of surprised to hear that everyone so far thinks and 15 year old and 16 year old high school students would be a better choice as parents for this baby. Don't get me wrong I don't think they should be forced to give up their baby but they are CHILDREN. I think they should be encouraged to give up the baby, if not to this Mama then to another. I'm kind of appalled that both sets of grandparents want the child aborted though.

It may be an unpopular opinion, but I have to agree with this. I think that 16/17 is too young to become a mother and if the father is not willing to commit to being a father and marry her and support his family then ultimately she should consider making an adoption plan. I would try to speak to her directly.

[RedOakMomma]

It doesn't matter what we all think is right or best. What matters is what the mother wants, and what she feels is best.

[curliemama]

Originally Posted by redoakmomma

it doesn't matter what we all think is right or best. What matters is what the mother wants, and what she feels is best.

agreed!

[wallabisfarm]

Yup to what ROM said, and I wanted to urge you to do what you can to make sure that if this girl makes an adoption plan, it is because she wants to, and not because she feels pressured or because all of the adults around her are telling her she is not capable of parenting. Before you discuss adoption with her, I think you should be sure that she knows about whatever support services she might have access to so that she can make an informed decision. I used to work with pregnant and parenting teens, and in many places there is a lot out there to help them parent successfully. If she knows what is out there to help and still decides to make an adoption plan, then you can begin discussing specifics with her and in the end, you will know that your adoption was done ethically. Until then, I honestly think that you run the risk of pressuring her and adding to a situation that might make her do something she will later regret.

Just my two cents of course, and not actually an answer to any of your questions, but I feel pretty strongly on the subject so I couldn't keep it in!

[Masel]

Snuggly-mama - To answer your questions about private adoption
Everything about adoption varies from not only state to state but sometimes county to county. You really need to talk to a lawyer in your area who is familiar with the laws there. You can find an attorney that specalizes in adoption with the Academy of Adoption Attorneys. The attorney we found through this website had an agency they had worked with who could conduct the home study. My state's bar association had quite a bit of information about adoption on their website. I'm in Missouri.

Our daughter birth mom was covered under her husband's insurance. We paid for co-pays, mileage to appointments, and housing for the family when DD was born. Keep meticuous track of everything you spend to help this mama. The court will want to see it should an adoption take place.

DD's birthmom is older than me so I can't speak to dealing with a teen mom but I we do have a very open adoption. We send them pictures, presents and stuff every Christmas and I know they look at DD's photobucket. We were friends before hand and even though they live in a different state we end up seeing them a few times a year.

Our birth mom contacted us about the adoption. I think being able to choose who would parent her child was extremely powerful for her. She was in fact quite concerned that there would be some foster care between birth and coming to me and DH or that somehow the baby would get lost in the system. I offered several times to pay for a lawyer for her and for counseling for her and her family but she declined. Openness and choice are the way to turn the shame based adoptions of the past into a positive parenting choice for all involved.

[polkadotmama]

DH and his gf had a baby when they were 16, and his gf's mom wanted them to keep it, but the gf felt the best thing was to find a loving, stable family for their baby. DH supported her in her decision. They found a wonderful family for their baby, who is a teenager now. Dh gets christmas letters from the adoptive family with pictures every year, and recently has been in discussions about a reunion. As far as I know (and keep in mind this was more than a dozen years ago) the adoptive family only paid for the lawyer fees... which dh says he thinks were pretty high (10k or more). We are having an identical discussion in our home, trying to figure out what we are going to do. (which is why I came here to mdc )

[tiffani]

I'd personally make sure the parents are fully aware of all of their options (outline all support available to them if you can), and make yourself available in the event that they do choose adoption.

One of my best friends had a baby at 17, went on to have two more babies with the same man, left that man (finally!) and went on to have another little guy with the amazing man who is now her husband. Through all of this, she has been one of the most amazing mamas I've ever known. it hasn't been easy for her, but using the resources at her disposal, she managed to become a nurse and raise 3 wonderful girls on her own, and create a beautiful family.

that's probably too much info, but age is not really a determining factor in whether or not a person can become a great parent.

That said, they may truly NOT want to parent the child, and no amount of support can make you want to be a parent if you're truly not ready. Kids at that age are all very different, but I've known several very young parents who have raised amazing kids and led happy lives!!

[Natsuki]

My DS's second cousin who we are very close to was adopted a year ago through an open adoption with a teen mother.

She found out she was pregnant when she was 15 or 16 and felt very strongly that she wanted to do adoption and pursued that even when her parents told her she might change her mind (they did not pressure her to give up her baby).

She chose the adoptive parents, the adoptive mom went to childbirth classes with her and she chose to have her in the delivery room. She talks with the adoptive mom a few times a month and comes over to visit once or twice a month I believe. In terms of naming the baby, she chose one of his middle names.

It has worked out very well for all involved thus far, and the bm wants to go into working with adoption as a career bc of how this experience has impacted her. But I think that the major reason it has been a good open adoption experience is b/c the mother was very firmly committed to her decision based on her own convictions and beliefs so following through on them via adoption and having the long-term support of her family and such through it has been very key.

[koalove]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

I think they should be encouraged to give up the baby, if not to this Mama then to another. .

HUH? I am honestly shocked to hear this opinion here. I was a pregnant 17 year old and i was "encouraged" to place my child that i wanted desperately to parent. and by encouraged i mean that my whole family removed support and turned their back on me. nobody offered me advice or resourses in raising a child. only the phone number to the abortion clinic. Nobody should be encouraged to make one choice or another. People who are making big choices need information and support while making a choice. We have no clue about what kind of person this teen is and we all know that having a child changes a person. maybe she is wild and irresponsible now but with a child perhaps she will pull it together. it is not right to pass judgement on a mother based on her age. sorry but this topic hits close to home and having lived it personally, i really feel for this young mother.

[tiffani]

I wanted to just nod along with koalove on all counts, but particularly the fact that having a baby will often turn a wild teen into a loving mother -- my aforementioned friend was going off the rails until she got pregnant, and she just instantly turned into supermom. I've seen it lots of times, including another friend who was using cocaine on a regular basis and just completely turned her life around when she found out she was pregnant. Obviously not everyone reacts this way, but I think most all women have the potential to do so if they are supported.

koalove,

[Polliwog]

I know, through my former work, a girl who got pregnant at 13. She chose to parent the baby. It hasn't been easy but she was lucky to get the baby in a terrific Early Head Start center and has continued her education. She plans, last time I heard, to go to college. I think the child is now about 2 1/2. I NEVER thought this young woman would be able to do it. I'm so proud of her.

[queenjane]

The interesting thing to me about placing a baby for adoption due to age...is that a teen mother won't always be a teen mother. I knew a girl in high school who got pg, and at first she thought she'd choose adoption, but with alot of family support decided to parent. She finished school, with honors, went on to graduate college and i think she now has an engineering degree, is married (to someone else) and has more kids. I can only imagine how she might feel, had she chosen adoption solely because she was 17, in school, wanted to go to college etc...then when she was twenty five realizes that there was a place in her life for her child. She managed to do *both*...thats not the case for everyone, not everyone has the option and i think family support is so important with whatever a young woman chooses.

Personally, if my son as a teen was having a baby with a girl i would do whatever it took to help them keep the baby, including offering to have them live with me, or raising the baby myself. While i would be "supportive" of whatever choice they made, i would hope that choosing adoption would be the last resort. Funny, i guess, since i'm adopting, but i do think that if a baby can safely stay with its mother, and she wants to parent, then that should be the default choice not "she's 16, give the baby to someone else."

Katherine

[DesertMommy]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

It doesn't matter what we all think is right or best. What matters is what the mother wants, and what she feels is best.

Yes, and be certain its the parents who even want to give up their baby. I was in college when I conceived my ds. A family friend mentioned casually that her friend who couldn't have children would like to adopt mine! I was This must be the mom's wish and not your wishful thinking.