Considering potential adoption situation . . lots of questions! - Page 2

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by queenjane

The interesting thing to me about placing a baby for adoption due to age...is that a teen mother won't always be a teen mother. I knew a girl in high school who got pg, and at first she thought she'd choose adoption, but with alot of family support decided to parent. She finished school, with honors, went on to graduate college and i think she now has an engineering degree, is married (to someone else) and has more kids. I can only imagine how she might feel, had she chosen adoption solely because she was 17, in school, wanted to go to college etc...then when she was twenty five realizes that there was a place in her life for her child. She managed to do *both*...thats not the case for everyone, not everyone has the option and i think family support is so important with whatever a young woman chooses.

Personally, if my son as a teen was having a baby with a girl i would do whatever it took to help them keep the baby, including offering to have them live with me, or raising the baby myself. While i would be "supportive" of whatever choice they made, i would hope that choosing adoption would be the last resort. Funny, i guess, since i'm adopting, but i do think that if a baby can safely stay with its mother, and she wants to parent, then that should be the default choice not "she's 16, give the baby to someone else."

Katherine

This is an excellent post. As a former teen mom who got pregnant at 17, I couldn't agree more.

[PikkuMyy]

I'll also chime in that had I become pregnant at 16, I would have kept the baby and would have been a wonderful mother. I may have looked "wild" on the outside but I've been caring for children since I was 12 and would have been right on top of it all. Had people insisted that I put the baby up for adoption because I would not be a good parent, I would have been horrified.

So let's withhold those kinds of judgements without knowing the mother and father.

[Masel]

I don't think it is terrible to let the idea out that that one is interested in adoption. There are ways to phrase it more diplomatically that what desertmama described.

[snuggly mama]

My perspective of this whole situation has come from the boy's parents, and I know little to nothing about the girl's home situation other than that her parents (especially her dad) are adamantly opposed to her keeping the baby and putting significant pressure on her to abort, something she has said clearly and repeatedly that she doesn't want to do. From what I have understood from the mom, the boy is quite immature (something I do know firsthand), and has been pretty clear that he feels completely unable to parent a baby/child. That doesn't, of course, mean that the girl is feeling the same, though she has some concerns from what I can gather. The boy's parents have also been, IMO, fairly harsh in pushing him to talk with the girl about abortion, and have stated repeatedly that they are not willing to raise this baby and have serious concerns about how he would support the mom/baby at his age, whether that be through staying together as a couple or paying child support and co-parenting.

The adoption issue did come up between myself and the boy's mom, not as a way for me to be judgmental about the situation, or because I thought I'd be a "better" parent than the teens. Initially, I just wanted to express that the teens might want to consider adoption as a third option -- since at that point, the only choices that had been presented to them were abortion or parenting the child. I didn't originally intend to consider myself as a potential adoptive parent -- that came up a bit later. I have NOT expressed any of this to the teens, and have, in fact, decided to completely back off and allow these families some time to process the idea of the pregnancy and hopefully come together in support of the teens, whatever their decision is.

I was a young mom myself, though in a very different situation (married young, chose to have children young), so I understand a little about the judgment heaped on young mothers -- that they can't/won't be good moms, that they won't ever "make something" of their lives, etc. I don't for one minute assume that age alone makes the difference in good mothering. I do think, though, that the teens in this situation have some pretty serious odds stacked against them. I'm not out to "save" the baby, just to offer another opportunity for them to consider -- specifically because, as a pp mentioned, dh and I would be happy to have the teens be a significant part of the child's life in an ongoing and meaningful way, if they wished for that.

[RedOakMomma]

s, snuggly mama. I think you're doing a great job trying to see and act in a way that's best for everyone. I hope the parents get the support they need and deserve, no matter what their decision is. I wish they weren't getting so much pressure put on them by their families.

[tiffani]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

s, snuggly mama. I think you're doing a great job trying to see and act in a way that's best for everyone. I hope the parents get the support they need and deserve, no matter what their decision is. I wish they weren't getting so much pressure put on them by their families.

:

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

s, snuggly mama. I think you're doing a great job trying to see and act in a way that's best for everyone. I hope the parents get the support they need and deserve, no matter what their decision is. I wish they weren't getting so much pressure put on them by their families.

I agree! I think you're awesome Snuggly Mama for considering adopting this child should the parents decide to relinquish-and it's good that you are keeping everyone's best interests at heart.

[CATPAT30]

Best interest of the Child?

Sorry but maybe because i have been waiting to adopt since I got married this all seems sureal.. what is in the best interest of that child? Parents who do not really show any enthusaism for the child along with nonsupporting grandparents who wanted the kid offed (so to speak) before it was born ... or..

An open adoption where in the child knows where it came from has some contact and is raised by stable couple?

You know what - we are not in the 50's and 60's so if the pressure to put the child up for adoption triggers strong mothering instincts and parenting instincts and suddenly wants to parent this child and steps up to plate then that child wins. No one is going to steal this child away. The parents have lots of opportunity to change their mind up to and including for so many days after placement (depends on state/province).

If you on the other hand back off because these KIDS aren't eager to research and do all the leg work for adoption and then these indifferent KIDS raise this child in an unsupported environment that child will grow up on formula, KD, wearing one disposable diaper all day with dirty face - and becoming the means of financial support of these KIDS. :

So Keep asking , keep offering = they are not going to SAY "oh yes please take our baby".
If however they say "wait a minute i can be a realy good parent" and they start making moves that way then good for them. Give them your support.

Either way it is a hard decision for them to make. Read "dear birth mom" to understand it better.

[Polliwog]

I disagree. If the potential parents know that you're interested in adopting a child, then don't push. It's not right and could backfire down the road if you do adopt and the child finds out later on.

The young parents have no idea if they will want to parent. They need time to process all this. Many grandparents say they will not support the parents if they keep the baby but that can change (and often does.) There are many programs to support teen parents. Early Head Start is one but there are others.

This may not be popular on MDC, but formula is not the worst thing in the world. If the choice is a being raised by his parents or having formula, the child will likely choose his parents. I know breast is best but formula has nourished many babies, including mine.

To the OP, give it time. See what happens but don't push or judge. It's not your place. I think you are on the right track. (((Hugs.)))

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by BethNC

This may not be popular on MDC, but formula is not the worst thing in the world. If the choice is a being raised by his parents or having formula, the child will likely choose his parents. I know breast is best but formula has nourished many babies, including mine.

Kind of ironic that formula was mentioned, too, considering this is an adoption forum and *most* adopted kids do get formula. Yes, i know many adoptive moms do relactate, but i dont think that happens in most situations.


Katherine

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by CATPAT30

then these indifferent KIDS raise this child in an unsupported environment that child will grow up on formula, KD, wearing one disposable diaper all day with dirty face - and becoming the means of financial support of these KIDS.

Seriously?

I think is a really, REALLY ugly stereotype of birth parents, poor parents, and young parents. Adoptive parents who go in assuming the life they offer a child is better than what a young mother can offer (especially for material reasons) give other adoptive parents a bad name.

Catpat, I hope you were just having a frustrated day or something. Those are a lot of negative assumptions about a woman you don't know.

[amy9798]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Seriously?

I think is a really, REALLY ugly stereotype of birth parents, poor parents, and young parents. Adoptive parents who go in assuming the life they offer a child is better than what a young mother can offer (especially for material reasons) give other adoptive parents a bad name.

I totally agree.
I was shocked to read that.

It also makes me sad for my son's mother, who I am filled with respect, love, and admiration for, that anyone would characterize all young birthparents this way

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Seriously?

I think is a really, REALLY ugly stereotype of birth parents, poor parents, and young parents. Adoptive parents who go in assuming the life they offer a child is better than what a young mother can offer (especially for material reasons) give other adoptive parents a bad name.

Catpat, I hope you were just having a frustrated day or something. Those are a lot of negative assumptions about a woman you don't know.

Thank you RedOakMomma for saying what needed to be said.

[tiffani]

Catpat, I don't want to attack you, so understand that this is written with a smile and a

I was introduced to mothering magazine, cloth diapers, breastfeeding, nourishing whole foods for kids, and gentle discipline by my friend erin, who did it right, right from the beginning with her baby girl she had at the ripe old age of 17. I was introduced to homebirthing by another friend (who also did all of the other things I mentioned previously, likely thanks in part to erin's example) who had her son at 19. I am thankful every day that I was shown how to parent children by a woman I have so much admiration for, who happened to be only a KID when she had her first little girl.

We've been trying to adopt from Africa for 2 years now, so I'm no stranger to how it feels to want to adopt, but every single case is different, and we can't make assumptions about any birthparent, anywhere on the face of the planet.

and on the formula topic, many adoptive mamas are able to lactate and breastfeed, but most will have to at least supplement with formula, as donor milk is very hard to come by!!

you also can't diminish the very powerful loss that is involved with babies being taken (in whatever fashion) from their biological mamas -- as long as there is love and attention, I think most kids would take a dirty diaper and daily KD (ah ha, you must be in canada! that's kraft dinner to you yanks, otherwise known as mac 'n' cheese) over going through that powerful loss... obviously there are also many parents who are totally unfit to parent, and the kid would thrive in a "better" home, but there is no way of knowing how these kids will do if they do decide to parent -- giving them the benefit of the doubt is the best first step, I think.