Foster-adopt newborns/young infants?

[curliemama]

I have heard conflicting reports on how this works, so please share your experiences.

Have you or has anyone you know been able to adopt a newborn or young infant (under a year old) right out of foster care without doing foster care first? Or have you or those you know done foster care first and adopted the children in your/their care when TPR occurred?

Thanks in advance for your insight.

[BCFD]

In our state (CA) you have to be licensed to foster first. Even if there is a sure adoption that will take place, by law you need to have that child in your home for 6 months before an adoption can take place.

We have adopted 3 times (2004, 2005, 2006) and all of our children came to us as newborns. DD1 and DD2's adoptions were very easy since TPR happened quickly and nobody in the bio family appeared in court. With DD3 we actually had to go through the state (vs. the county with dd1 and dd2) so it took a little longer. Also, in the beginning there was a paternal grandmother in the picture and the birth father did appear at the first couple of hearings. Still, TPR happened very quickly, but the adoption side of things just moved slowly.

[alicia622]

It would be very rare to have an infant in preadoptive status through child protective. It does happen but I have only heard of one case and it took many years of waiting for the situation to arise. You have to go through the whole locensing process to be approved by the state to adopt and it would also take about 6 months before the adoption is finalized to ensure the home is acceptable for the child.

I am in Maine.

[Sierra]

Yes, I haven't heard too many stories across states about kids being placed in adoptive homes straight out of foster care as infants. However, in terms of folks fostering to adopt, I adopted my son who was placed with us at 1.5 days, and there is a chance I am going to be adopting my foster daughter who was placed with us at 6 months. ds was 13 months at the time of his adoption. dfd is over 2.5 years old, and things are still not at all resolved.

[curliemama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Yes, I haven't heard too many stories across states about kids being placed in adoptive homes straight out of foster care as infants. However, in terms of folks fostering to adopt, I adopted my son who was placed with us at 1.5 days, and there is a chance I am going to be adopting my foster daughter who was placed with us at 6 months. ds was 13 months at the time of his adoption. dfd is over 2.5 years old, and things are still not at all resolved.

That kind of uncertainty is what makes me nervous. We have young children, and I go back and forth on whether this kind of uncertainty would be a good way to raise children. I balance that with the fact that the children need the help in ways that I pray my children never will... but if my children did need such help, I would hope people would be caring. Does any of this make sense? I am so conflicted.

[queenjane]

It happens...there's just no way to tell when or if it will happen for you, and how long that might take.

I'm a big supporter of fostering first, if you want an infant, because thats how i got my son. He was three wks old when placed with me (never w/ his bio mom, was in the hospital then another foster home), bio mom never involved, no relatives seriously interested (worried about one relative but in the end he decided not to try for him), TPR occurred when baby was four months old, he is now eight months and i'm just waiting to be able to go file papers at the clerk of courts. That should hopefully happen in November. He is completely healthy and gorgeous.

My foster care worker came out the other day, and when i told her i was willing to foster another child, she started mentioning all these babies to me (gulp)...she doesnt believe any of them will be going home. One baby is only a month old, foster parents dont want to adopt, and he will almost certainly become available for adoption. She said he needs to be moved soon, because he should be in a home willing to adopt.

That being said, during my orientation w/ my agency (i'm also "straight" adopting through them but havent had a match yet, in almost a year, ugh) there was a mom there of a toddler, she adopted him (without fostering) at nine months old, healthy biracial boy. And i heard from a worker no longer w/ the agency that when she worked for them she placed a two month old baby into a home (for adoption)...so yes, it DOES happen. But i doubt if you call an agency they will ever admit to it, because those cases can't be guaranteed.


There also might be a benefit to you, in becoming foster licensed but requesting a low legal risk child...if they get a baby in where ALL the other kids have been TPR'd, where all relatives have refused the new baby and/or previous kids, or where the baby was abandoned and they arent offering reunification because they dont even know where mom is at....those are situations in which its very likely the baby will also go to adoptions...but that takes time, months usually, sometimes a year or longer. and those babies go to foster care while they wait, and are usually ultimately adopted by foster parents. However, sometimes the foster parent is older, or for whatever reason chooses not to adopt, and then the baby becomes available.

I guess you need to balance possibly waiting a long time vs possibly losing a child youve grown to love.


Katherine

[curliemama]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I guess you need to balance possibly waiting a long time vs possibly losing a child youve grown to love.

Katherine

Thank you for this thought and the others. My biggest concern is the children I already have in my home. Will having a new person come into our family and leave suddenly--or even not so suddenly but after a roller coaster of uncertainty--scar them for life?

My husband is awesome about this and believes they will be better people for knowing that the world does not revolve around them and for being able to help people who are in need (something we believe in overall, not just where adoption is concerned).

I am encouraged by the stories of babies coming and staying. I go back to a comment I heard from a woman on another forum recently about how the babies are not ours to begin with, and the better we understand that, the easier it will be to care for them while they are with us. It brought to mind Khalil Gibran's poem, "On Children."

Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and the daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you,
But they are not from you,
And though they are with you,
They belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[Sierra]

Regarding the children in your home, you are right that this should be among your most significant considerations. When I think of dfd leaving, I worry most about the kids. dfd came to us at only 6 months. ds was only seventeen months when dfd arrived. At the time, we thought it was good timing. We thought the kids would both be young enough that siblings (or viritual siblings) wouldn't be as huge a factor in their lives. I mean, ds was solidly in the parallel play stage. Of course we were so, so wrong.

The two bonded to each other very fast, much, much faster than dfd bonded to us, her parents. They almost immediately became two peas in a pod. They have been inseperable since. They don't like being away from one another. dfd cries whenever ds goes to school (for his therapies or his one day a week Montessori program). ds talks non-stop about dfd at school. They adore one another and follow each other around *all.day.long.* If dfd leaves our home, the most heartbreaking loss may very well be the children's relationship with one another. It will be a grief of profound measure. I don't think either will ever be the same.

dw and I are in a continual discussion about whether we will do this again and when...either foster or foster-adopt. The discussion primarily centers on what is fair for the children. We are not sure what we will do. What we can agree on is that we most likely ought to wait to do this again until the kids are just a little older and can understand the explanations of what is happening on a basic level. It isn't kid's stuff, and it isn't easy to understand even for us adults, but I want my kids to be old enough to at least verbalize a rudimentary understanding that any foster child who comes into our home will be a sister or brother "for now" and that none of us know what the future will hold.

If we do it again in the future, I will not present the possibility of adoption to my children, as much as I think they should bond as siblings in case an adoption does develop. Instead, I will tell them the child is in foster care, and when they ask about adoption or permanency (which I know they will), I will explain that we are helping the foster child's parents work to take care of the child and will do whatever we can to help them but if and only if they can't do it, and there is no one else in their whole family who can do it, we will adopt.

That said, however, there is no way on earth I would ever turn back the clocks to change our time with dfd. We have provided her with a safe, stable, supportive and loving home and a good foundation for what a family can be. If we adopt her, I will be so blessed and fortunate to parent her. After two years together, I couldn't imagine my life without her. Would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat.

At the same time, when you have a home with room for more, and a heart that is ready, it feels wrong to say no to giving a child that start regardless of the future.

[mran]

There is a lot of uncertainty in foster care - I know of lots of people who have done foster-adopt for infants and "gone through" 10+ infants before they got one they could "keep."

I think it'd be important to be okay wth giving a child back, if that's what the courts required. :twocents

[Polliwog]

I agree with the above. In my area, most babies are adopted by their foster parents if they don't return home to their parents or to a relative. I don't know anyone who straight adopted an infant. I'm kind of ok with that. Adoption isn't about the waiting parents. Well it is, of course, but I think babies deserve to have their parents try to work a plan (if they're new to the system.) And many babies come into care with siblings.

I know it would really hurt, and surely confuse, my son if Polliwog were to leave (which is highly unlikely but you never know.) He was 3 1/4 and she was 9 months when she came to us. It's been 10 1/2 months now. To him, she's his sister.

[curliemama]

Originally Posted by mran

There is a lot of uncertainty in foster care - I know of lots of people who have done foster-adopt for infants and "gone through" 10+ infants before they got one they could "keep."

I think it'd be important to be okay wth giving a child back, if that's what the courts required. :twocents

Definitely. We would never get in the way. Again, *we* the adults understand this.

My husband actually mentioned something Sierra did about explaining to the kids that any child who is with us is just here as long as his/her mom and dad need her to be here. But at what point do the kids no longer buy that.. when the foster child is with us two months? Six months? A year? At what point does logic fly out the window and do emotions rule?

The thing that will complicate this, however, is that we have already told our kids in the past that we wanted to adopt a baby boy eventually. I know if we bring in a baby they (especially the five-year-old) will probably ignore what we have said about foster care and assume this is the baby we're adopting. I just know it. We were out shopping yesterday, and she wanted to buy something for her future baby brother. EEK. I am candid with my children, but I suppose this is an area where I definitely spoke before really thinking about how this would all pan out.

[Polliwog]

You might want to join the board at www.fosterparents.com. There is a section for adopting parents but everyone tends to gather in the fostering section. It's not a place to go for NFL advice but it's a good place to read the good/bad/annoying aspects of fostering/adopting/foster-adopting.

A book that I've read with my son many times is "Kids Need to Be Safe: A Book for Children in Foster Care.) The think that keeps fostering from being "real" for my son is that my foster daughter doesn't (and never has had) visits with her birth parents. It's a lot easier for children to get that foster child have parents when they actually go and see them. Visits open can open up other bags of worms but it is helpful for children already in your home. It all gets murky. We have an open adoption with my son's birth mother and her family. But it seems like he sees them as friends of the family that we see a few times a year, not as his family of origin. We're lucky, though, they're actually fairly fun to be around. We usually go (along with his younger birth sister) at celebration times- birthdays (kids and/or birth mother and grandmother,) before the holidays, etc.

I chose to keep fostering after I knew that I would be adopting my son. Even though I knew that a child might leave. I've been lucky with really easy placements but wouldn't hesitate to stop if it wasn't good for Chris. But having a sister (temporary or permanent) whom he lives with has really enhanced his life.

[christophersmom]

So glad I found this thread, we start our foster-to-adopt classes tomorrow. Sierra, your post helped immenselty. So many of the thoughts that have gone through my head, you put out there.

[christophersmom]

I went to the information seminar at the local DCS last night, they said it was pretty much impossible to straight adopt. We applied for the foster program with the intention that we *hope* we can adopt.

I only knwo two couples IRL that fostered and one has permanently adopted the twins she was placed with as newborns, but it took almost three years. The other is about to find out if the parental rights of her ten month old foster son will be terminated, if so, they will adopt him. So I know foster-to-adopt can work. Just wonder if it will for us.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by christophersmom

I went to the information seminar at the local DCS last night, they said it was pretty much impossible to straight adopt. We applied for the foster program with the intention that we *hope* we can adopt.

I only knwo two couples IRL that fostered and one has permanently adopted the twins she was placed with as newborns, but it took almost three years. The other is about to find out if the parental rights of her ten month old foster son will be terminated, if so, they will adopt him. So I know foster-to-adopt can work. Just wonder if it will for us.

Hi to a fellow Triangle resident. I'm in Orange County and have been fostering for over two years. I've fostered three children in that time. What county are you in?

Child number one: Placed with me at four months (after being in another foster home.) Adopted by relatives around her first birthday.

Child number two: Placed with me at 2 1/2 (after being in two prior placements.) TPR after one year in care and adoption finalized one year after that by ME.

Child number three: Placed with me at 9 months (after six weeks in another foster home.) I'll know in a couple months if parental rights will be terminated. If so, I'll adopt.

I don't know anyone who straight adopted. Well, actually my son's little sister was, but their birth mother asked this person to adopt when she relinquished.

Only foster/adopt if you can truly support reunification if it happens. Because you never know. It seems, at least in my county, that the judges/DSS do not play around. TPR trials get scheduled around the 15 month mark if parents don't work their plans.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[MCR]

It can happen, we fostered for years then said we wanted to adopt, and within 9mths they called and said they wanted to send Dd to us, she was 6mths and heading to TPR all went by the book and we finalized when she was 14mths old.
So don't give up it can happen.

[lisab]

Thank you...this is a very helpful thread!

Hello, All:

I, too, am glad I stumbled upon this thread, as we're about to begin our PRIDE training (that's what the 30 hr. foster training is called here in TX)!

BethNC--THANK YOU for posting the link to fosterparents.com! What an awesome resource! All the questions I've been trying to ask are answered there in spades.

Best to all,
LisaB

[luv-my-boys]

Originally Posted by curliemama

That kind of uncertainty is what makes me nervous. We have young children, and I go back and forth on whether this kind of uncertainty would be a good way to raise children. I balance that with the fact that the children need the help in ways that I pray my children never will... but if my children did need such help, I would hope people would be caring. Does any of this make sense? I am so conflicted.

Looks like were in the same boat. We are doing foster-to-adopt thru our county because in CA you are required to have the child placed in your "foster" care for 6months pending adoption finalization. That being said we would love to go to a straight adoption with a newborn but the reality of it, here at least, is that the child's parents are often given months to comply to the courts recommendations at which time the child would be in a foster placement. There are rare circumstances where TPR would occur with a newborn or a child under 1 yr due to the timing of the court setting up classses/visitations/court ordered testing. But if the parents TPR occured the foster parents would be looked at first to adopt that child due to bonding from there other interested adopted families would be looked into if the foster family was not adopting. We have greater risk (RU with parent) but we would be placed with newborns and in the event we could adopt we would have had that child from a very young age, we could go with a low/no risk but the child would, at least in this state, most likely be a toddler.
We also worry on how bringing a child into our family and then having the RU with their bioparents might affect our children. We have tried to explain (they are both under 5) how there are many different kinds of families. We use our own extended family as examples. And that these children will always be our families in our hearts but sometimes they return to their bioparents. That "family" is made up of different relationships and situations not by blood bonds necessarily.

[AngelBee]

:

[christophersmom]

Beth, thanks, we are in Wake. We know we would do foster route and hope to end up with a child that would be adoptable. We also know that might not happen right away. We are just waiting to find out if we get approved for MAPP classes.
We are in the middle of an IVF cycle and I want to proceed regardless and hope to get a 2-4 year old to foster and if not successful, still hope for a 2-4 year old and possibly an infant. DH is on the fence whether he can go through foster and pregnancy at same time, but is actually looking more forward to the fostering than the possibility of IVF working.