Relationships Among Foster Children (and Biological)

[Polliwog]

I lurk (usually) on a list serv for foster parents and this message came through yesterday and made me furious. (If it's inappropriate for me to copy it, I'll delete and can paraphrase it.)

"I also agree that they should be with their natural family when possible and as long as a strong bond has not developed with the FP, but this is the BM's FOSTER SISTER. Not a real family member, but probably someone that she shared a bunk bed with in a foster home for a year. How could they even consider that?"

I think that those of us who've fostered will agree that many times the children to attach to each other, not just to us. To say that foster siblings won't maintain that bond later in life incenses me. To my son (age 4,) my foster daughter is his sister. She's been with us for 10 1/2 months which is over half of her life and almost a quarter of his.

[hockeywoman]

Ugghhh. My kiddos have lots of sisters and brothers that they lived with for 1+ years, and the only time we clarify a difference is when they ask why the foster siblings don't live with us. They have huge bonds with their foster siblings, and it's very evident when we visit with them!

[queenjane]

I remember a case in the news awhile ago (years), in which a woman died leaving her small child behind. She named her brother as the guardian (i think? Or maybe she didnt say??), but because he was her *adopted* brother, the law in that state (archaic law!) didnt recognize the closeness of the relationship, it gave "natural" relatives more rights. So some cousin that barely knew them fought for custody of the baby, and won, because he was related by *blood*...isnt that disgusting?!

Esp. with older kids, a foster sibling could very well have grown up in a family, spent *years* there, not just "sharing a bunk for a year".

You read this on a fostering list?! Dont those people recognize the bond that their kids have with their foster kids?! I understand if you are wanting to adopt a child in your care, and some "random" relative pops up wanting the child (or so it seems) and it would be tempting to think "but she's just a FOSTER relative not even a REAL relative!" but sheesh.


Katherine

[Masel]

I've known my friend Rich for years and years and only recently learned that "my brothers" he talks about all the time were foster brothers. (He was the foster child in their home.) He's very close with them and it's been over 30 years since he was in foster care.

[Polliwog]

It was quite shocking to read. I'm sure it was coming from a place of pain since the child has been with her a long time but to completely negate the relationship shocked me. Obviously there's some sort of bond between the two women.

[lil_miss_understood]

Are you serious?
As a foster sister (I was the foster child), I'm seriously ticked.
I've run into this attitude before, even from other FPs, but it always ticks me off.
I would do anything for my sisters. They're my SISTERS. Put foster in front all you want to, but remember, you mess with them and I'm part of the deal.
I taught my next oldest sister to put on makeup, how to cheerlead, how to dance, how to make friendship bracelets. I ratted on her for smoking, for beating up on our middle sister, for stealing my makeup and clothes, teased her when she got her first boyfriend. I got in fights for her at school, because some chick 2 grades older thought she was so tough that she'd stuff my sister in a locker. She came to see me when my oldest was born and I lived 1000 miles away. We send birthday cards and Christmas cards.
My sisters are family. They are who taught me what family IS, how it should be. I didn't cry any less when I found out that my middle sister died because "foster" was in front of the relationship I had with her. She is my sister and she's dead. If it had been any of my biological siblings, I'd have cried just the same and mourned just the same.
And I'd fight for their babies too. My sisters are my kids' aunts and I know they would do the same. That's as it should be. That's what family does.