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~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #12 Sept-Oct-Nov*~ - Page 4

post #61 of 87
Hi ladies:

I haven't posted here in forever. In April I took a full-time high-pressure job and just recently started pursuing my masters. Dh is working on getting into his bachelor program. So, around our house things have been crazy. The house is a mess and we only seem to get to spend real time together every few weekends. I haven't really been thinking about wifely submission, because I hardly have to time think at all. But I have found myself getting upset when for instance, dh has been home all day (he's a paramedic so he works 24 hour shifts) and when I come home after working an 11 hour day (+ sitting up to 3 hours in traffic), and he still expects me to wash his uniforms. He's really good about making sure I have dinner on those nights though, so I need to check my attitude before it becomes an issue. Things are a little different for us because we don't have kids - and part of my returning to work earlier this year was me being tired of putting my life on hold for the what-if's of TTC. Dh agreed, so I went back to a full-time job (and doubled my salary).

I know that dh feels neglected, especially since he's use to me being home nearly every day. He has asked me to adjust my schedule at work so I'm home earlier every day. Right now I'm stuck with the current schedule but will be able to adjust it in about a month. Things are really hectic. I do miss spending time with him and don't think that I've been showing him how important he is and how respectful I am of his role of head of household. We've experienced our marriage when we weren't respectful of each others roles and it's not a time in our life either of us wants to visit again. I have been praying for guidance/strength, etc. And just realized that I need to start reading good books again to get myself in the right frame of mind. I also need to get back into a supportive group so that when I stumble as we all do, it won't be the end of things.
post #62 of 87
Thanks ladies- I sorely needed the encouragment today, especially. With each new thing that goes badly, I wonder, 'is this what it will take to convince him?' and no, things have continured to go badly. I don't want to dump it all here, but we had another discussion today, which just ends in me crying (as quietly as possible) because I can't beleive it always comes back to the same things.

I feel like he doesn't love us, because MY love language is taking care of people. I feel like he doesn't consider us to be worth spending time on, when the reality is probably closer to him being ovrwhelmed by the thought of leading, and so he just 'forgets' about anything connected to it. I didn't tell him any of that, BTW.

HOW do I gently encourage him, when he doesn't recognize anything subtle? How do I 'let' him lead when he desparately wants not to?
post #63 of 87
God is the only one that can change our husbands way of doing things. I know when I started on my journey to biblical submission, I was ready to rip my hair out. My husband was not getting my hints, he was just sitting there not listening to me or doing anything he was supposed to be doing. I then realized that I was again trying to put the pants on and lead. Once I backed completely off my husband, and concentrated on myself and my role. The light came on for my husand and God spoke and he moved. I have learned that my husband is an easy going laid back man. Thats ok. I am his right hand lady. Men in general I believe needs lots and lots of postive encouragement. Things like. Thank you hunny for going to work today, and earning money so we can have food to eat and a roof over our head. Thanks hunny for taking out the trash. Also talking your husband up to your children. Such as your dad is amazing, smart, and hardworking.

I think also when it comes to submission the Lord is teaching us patience. This is one major thing I have had to work on and the Lord has been teaching me. Just because I want my Dh to do something, or think he should be doing something for the family. Does not mean thats what God wants right now. For me the whole submission thing has taught me about self. I have to work on myself, and keep checking and working on myself, not trying to fix my husband and worry about what he is not doing. Reminding myself that God will make himself known to my husband when the time is right.
post #64 of 87
Quote:
HOW do I gently encourage him, when he doesn't recognize anything subtle? How do I 'let' him lead when he desparately wants not to?
Without husband bashing, can you give an example of what you would like him to recognize? An example of one area you would appreciate some guidance from him?

You mentioned you would like to see him "take care of you". Can you think of one or two ways he has taken care of you? Can you think of a specific way you would like to see more care given to you?

Can you think of a time when you spent time together? Can you think of a specific way you would like to spend time together?

Are you able to view things not as "going badly" but as being in "awkward transition", perhaps? I've noticed when I view things as "going badly", and attribute it to my husband's actions, it sends out a "you're in the wrong" vibe that he always sniffs out. On the other hand, why do you feel you need to cry quietly?
post #65 of 87
Wow, where to start?

When we met, he kept impeccable track of his finances, and was very discpilined about his spending.

We have talked about some of this together, btw, because if he doesn't start taking responsibility soon, we'll go bankrupt. AndI am not kidding. I asked him what changed when we got married, or if he could say why he couldn't bring himself to even try, and he said, 'It was easy when it was just me.'

What way would I like him to take care of us? Keep track of the checkbook so that we don't bounce checks. Pay bills on time. Granted, before children this was easier, but he continues to 'miss' paying bills simply because he refuses to sit down and open the mail. Create a budget, so that when we need groceries, I can say, 'how much do we have for groceries this week?' and get an answer other than, 'I guess you'd better put it on the credit card.'

We started going to marriage counselling when DS1 was a baby. The therapist demanded that I totally take a hands off approach to the budget and finances. THis is actually best anyway, because I have such a handicap where math is concerned, that I cannot balance a checkbook. And yes, I have tried.

I would like him to get and keep a job.

All the unsolicited cups of coffee, back rubs, kind words, and tender touches cannot make up for the fact that he will not take responsibility or our most basic needs.

I have not been able to explain to anyone just how passive he is. We are going under financially, and we will eventually lose the house. And I should just sit here and watch it happen? I have had my hands off for over five years now, and he has not 'seen the light' yet.


I should apologise. I know this is probably too complicated for a thread on MDC, so I'll probably just lurk for a while, and see if I can pick up any tips by osmosis.
post #66 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by heidirk View Post
Wow, where to start?

When we met, he kept impeccable track of his finances, and was very discpilined about his spending.

We have talked about some of this together, btw, because if he doesn't start taking responsibility soon, we'll go bankrupt. AndI am not kidding. I asked him what changed when we got married, or if he could say why he couldn't bring himself to even try, and he said, 'It was easy when it was just me.'

What way would I like him to take care of us? Keep track of the checkbook so that we don't bounce checks. Pay bills on time. Granted, before children this was easier, but he continues to 'miss' paying bills simply because he refuses to sit down and open the mail. Create a budget, so that when we need groceries, I can say, 'how much do we have for groceries this week?' and get an answer other than, 'I guess you'd better put it on the credit card.'

We started going to marriage counselling when DS1 was a baby. The therapist demanded that I totally take a hands off approach to the budget and finances. THis is actually best anyway, because I have such a handicap where math is concerned, that I cannot balance a checkbook. And yes, I have tried.

I would like him to get and keep a job.

All the unsolicited cups of coffee, back rubs, kind words, and tender touches cannot make up for the fact that he will not take responsibility or our most basic needs.

I have not been able to explain to anyone just how passive he is. We are going under financially, and we will eventually lose the house. And I should just sit here and watch it happen? I have had my hands off for over five years now, and he has not 'seen the light' yet.


I should apologise. I know this is probably too complicated for a thread on MDC, so I'll probably just lurk for a while, and see if I can pick up any tips by osmosis.
First of all,

What if you guys sit down together and put your budget and bills into a computer program like Microsoft Money? That is what I use (I know there are other programs out there, I'm just most familiar with Money). It does all the calculations for you and is easy to set up, and then you have an easy visual reminder of what day of the month certain bills come due. I'm not saying "take it over from him", but perhaps approach him with the idea that it'd make the household run smoother if you are both on the same page and had one place to go and check in on things.

It also helped us to do a bit of a cash envelope system for our discretionary spending categories. This has really helped both of us stay accountable for our spending and for us it reduces stress/tension because it is a lot easier for us to compartmentalize spending into envelopes then to do it in the checkbook. So we take out a set amount of cash every month and divide it up into envelopes (we have envelopes for my DH's work supplies, gifts, misc., clothing, date night/family fun, car maintenance (oil changes, wipers and lightbulbs but not major maintenance), homeschooling, and groceries).

Finances can be stressful and difficult to figure out, but I strongly believe that when you team up and take it on, the results can be wonderful. I know for us it took the stress out of the situation, and that alone was extremely beneficial for our marriage.
post #67 of 87
tempestjewel- First of all- I love your screen name!
Second, that is exactly what I'd like to happen. We actually have a budget book we started working on, but it was too overwhelming for both of us, with all the relationship questions. What we need is a simple basic budget to work with, so maybe Microsoft Money would work.

It's funny, because from the state of my posts you could totally make assumptions about our relationship that aren't true. We are very honest with each other about our roles and our failings, and we do try to work through them. We make a good team, on a lot of things, except this.

Standing back from the finances has not worked. HE needs a leader, and he explored talking with my dad, for accountability, but my dad wasn't entirely comfortable with it. He needs an adult male accountablility partner, so that is what I'm praying for for him. His dad is so conpletely overbearing that talking with him is not an option.

:ug back, and thanks.
post #68 of 87
For us. I do the budgeting and the bills. My dh just does not have the time to do it. He is fine with it, and knows I can handle it. Now if he ask for it back I would yes in a heart beat. Have you asked your dh if he was ok if you took it over and started using the money program. I do not see this as a submission issue. As long as your dh is on board with either way your being submissive. Some men are just not the money guys. If he wants to be your back up as far as the math thing goes, have him check your budget over and your check book once a week or whatever so there is some double checking for your work. Also he is kept in the loop as far as whats going on.
post #69 of 87


honestly it sounds like he is depressed. what you discribed, just listless about taking on the demands of life that are clearly falling apart is a big symptom of depression.

now I do believe there is a such thing as clinical depression, yes. But i am a big believer it all things being spiritual (this coming from a person who was on antidepressants for 7 long years before finally figuring this out). and sometimes it's even as simple as dietary change (even for the most severe cases). that said, I would be on my knees praying for him and over him as much as possible. praying that whatever depression/passive feelings he is having will come to the surface to he (or perhaps both of you) can deal with them. the wonderful thing about prayer, is that by praying for someone you not only help them, but you become much closer with God gaining much more insight. will it solve anything overnight? definitely not. but that isn't the point.

the lack of desire to deal with the finances could be even something completely unrelated. sin in his heart, questioning God, questioning himself or the world around him... or just a lack of peace spiritually. sometimes even the person closest to the person can't tell what and why things are wrong. if he was so tight on finances before, and isn't at all now, I would see this as a serious problem he is struggling with. if you're happy, content and all you want finances ot be in order. but to put them in order takes work - a lot of upkeep- and if you're in a bad place emotionally, spiritually or what have you, you're not really able to deal with them. it falls by the wayside.
remember too, that men show emotions and feelings much different than woman. sometimes they show in weird odd little ways about things they don't even recognize full heartedly they are dealing with. so he may not even "know" what is wrong. likely that trying and begging him to fess up with what is wrong will only make both of your more frustrated.

again, my best suggestion is to pray for him every change you can. pray over him if you wake in the night and he's asleep. say a prayer through out the day when you think of him.

I don't mean to read too much into things. being married for 10 yrs has taught me a thing or two heh... but also hearing similar stories from SO many other woman I'm seeing a pattern of how men deal with things.
post #70 of 87
I am not good at managing money, and DH is not organized.

Our compromise- I get the mail each day, open up the bills, fold them in their envelope, affix stamp and return address, and pencil on the bottom right corner of the envelope the due date. Then they go in an organizer which has FOUR compartments, labeled week one through four, and put the envelopes in the week they need to be MAILED (not arrive).

This is how I helped my husband so all he had to do was write check and lick envelope. Then he puts the non-mailed part of the bill back in our organizer and I file them for our records.

Could something like that work for you?

Quote:
All the unsolicited cups of coffee, back rubs, kind words, and tender touches cannot make up for the fact that he will not take responsibility or our most basic needs.
wow we're in totally opposite situations. DH provides very well for our material needs but is so stressed out doing it that he is tense and short-fused with us. Luckily he realizes this and as of Jan 1st is taking a pay cut and dropping responsibilities. Hope he can get back into balance- and you guys too! Praying for you.
post #71 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by heidirk View Post
It's funny, because from the state of my posts you could totally make assumptions about our relationship that aren't true. We are very honest with each other about our roles and our failings, and we do try to work through them. We make a good team, on a lot of things, except this.
I try to not assume about relationships, and I hope I didn't come off completely that way I've just seen money issues tear relationships apart (my parents, for one). For some couples the wife is able to let go and see what happens, but I don't think that works for everyone or that wanting to be involved in finances is not being submissive. Sometimes, I just think it is finding a system that works to both run the house and to make both parents feel secure in what is going on. For me personally, the transperancy of our system and the ability of the other to check in at anytime and know exactly where we stand really helps
post #72 of 87
I could really use prayers mamas.

I am having a really bad attitude about my dh right now.
post #73 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
I could really use prayers mamas.

I am having a really bad attitude about my dh right now.
:
post #74 of 87
DH and I finally had a date on Saturday and we went to go see "Fireproof", and I really liked it. The first half of the movie is a bit cheesy, but considering it was a low budget film I think the message is way more important then the cinematography.

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

I really like the song they played at the end credits : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aivAVbmUQ7U

Sparked some good discussions between DH and me
post #75 of 87
Yay, another positive thread! All we need is God's word to have a healthy marriage.

I see so many couples looking to other men, doctors, therapists, etc. and the problems may go away temporarily but end up returning. All we need to look to is the One who made marriage.

Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey!

We have thought about going to see Fireproof, but many of the mainstream christian movies, books, etc. are not based on God's word, and we have'nt heard much about this movie other than many people enjoyed it, but that is'nt saying much.

BTW does Kirk Cameron kiss his co-actress wife? I mean it would seem logical in a movie about marriage that they would show close affection, but for a true Christian to partake in something like that..., I think you know where I am going with this.
post #76 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beakybird View Post
BTW does Kirk Cameron kiss his co-actress wife? I mean it would seem logical in a movie about marriage that they would show close affection, but for a true Christian to partake in something like that..., I think you know where I am going with this.
No, he does not kiss the actress. They do the scene in sillouhetes and bring his real wife in so he'd only be kissing his real wife

I just enjoyed seeing a movie where there was no profanity or nudity of any kind.
post #77 of 87
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tempestjewel View Post
No, he does not kiss the actress. They do the scene in sillouhetes and bring his real wife in so he'd only be kissing his real wife

I just enjoyed seeing a movie where there was no profanity or nudity of any kind.
You beat me to it, but :
post #78 of 87
Oh good! Now I gotta see how they slip in his real wife lol, you think they would have just used her, as she is an actress. They make such a cute couple!
post #79 of 87
Thread Starter 
Maybe she didn't want it? Whatever the reason, I really respect him for that.
post #80 of 87
Hi ladies!

I wanted to say thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I felt very supported, and I appreciate it. I also want to say sorry for not replying more regularly, I keep forgetting where this thread is!

I am just going to haul out that budget book, and see if I can make any sense out of it. DH has been wonderful about talking about the checkbook, and I've been able to gently ask/remind him, and he has responded in like manner. He's taking a holiday job, it'll be just a fewdays, all told, but will bring in some badly needed cash.

we had a frank discussion about tithing the other day, too. I asked if 'we' had been, and he sighed a huge sigh and said 'no'. All I said was, I couldn't tell im too, because it's his income, and it has to be a joyfull surrender on his part. I just remindedhim that we can't expect God to bless us, or even just rescue us when we don't return to him what is due. I've not said any more about it, and I won't.

He is facing a lot of consequences right now, and I'm proudthat he's willing to continue making the effort.
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