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Is there ANY decent music out there for preteens? - Page 3

post #41 of 71
10/5/08 at 4:36pm
You can completely switch over to foriegn artists... That way no one knows what people are saying.

Ok, seriously, I think you are probably in the right on this. We don't really censor dd's music, but she's more of a leader. She only does what she wants and her taste in music is good (with the exception of her current new kids fetish, not big on boy bands here.)

To what degree was your talk with her about the music? Did you ask why it's not a big deal? Why she thinks it's ok to have music that talks about beating a girl up? If so, what was the answer?

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post #42 of 71
10/5/08 at 4:45pm
Thread Starter 
She refuses to really discuss anything. Talking to her about anything like this is nearly impossible. I'll ask her questions, she rolls her eyes and just keeps repeating it's not a big deal, her friends listen to it, I must think her friends suck, at least it's not suicide, etc. And then, she zones out. ~sighs~

I do have a nice collection of Japanese music. I have no idea what they're saying, but it sounds good. I should load her MP3 player with all that.
post #43 of 71
10/5/08 at 4:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
She refuses to really discuss anything. Talking to her about anything like this is nearly impossible. I'll ask her questions, she rolls her eyes and just keeps repeating it's not a big deal, her friends listen to it, I must think her friends suck, at least it's not suicide, etc. And then, she zones out. ~sighs~

I do have a nice collection of Japanese music. I have no idea what they're saying, but it sounds good. I should load her MP3 player with all that.
Oh dear. You do have your hands full, don't you?

So far I have at least been lucky with getting my dcs to get it when I turn it around and tell them to defend their position.


My ds has a ball dissecting silly love songs and pointing out how codependent or delusional people are. He doesn't use those terms, but he gets the point across. (His comments about You're Beautiful by James Blunt and Late Shift by Jacko Pierce were dead on. We'll see if he remembers them when he's 16 and hormonal. )


I honestly don't know what you should try next. I think it's sad anyone would think those lyrics are no big deal at her age.
post #44 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:02pm
Thread Starter 
Oh this is just the tip of the iceburg with what I've got going on with her. I'm SO not ready for a preteen!

I'm very concerned about her, for more reasons than just this, and am hoping to get her into counseling. But we haven't been able to afford it, not even on a sliding scale. I'm very concerned with the fact that she thinks anything is fine as long as it's not taking about suicide.
post #45 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:09pm


Would just an outright "No you may not listen to that" work? A bit draconian for here, but honestly, sometimes needs must.
post #46 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:12pm
I hear you. I am boggled every day by it.

It is so different from the way it was when I was a pre-teen. We didn't know half the things they know at the same age.
post #47 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:12pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post


Would just an outright "No you may not listen to that" work? A bit draconian for here, but honestly, sometimes needs must.
That's pretty much what I've done. All those songs on the computers have been removed, none of it on her MP3 player, etc. I just wish she would understand. But she doesn't. And I do believe a lot of this is from her friends saying it's not a big deal. That's one reason why I want to give her better songs to listen to. Start leading her away from stuff like that. Until she's better prepared to know what is and isn't a "big deal".
post #48 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:14pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I hear you. I am boggled every day by it.

It is so different from the way it was when I was a pre-teen. We didn't know half the things they know at the same age.
I know!
post #49 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
She refuses to really discuss anything. Talking to her about anything like this is nearly impossible. I'll ask her questions, she rolls her eyes and just keeps repeating it's not a big deal, her friends listen to it, I must think her friends suck, at least it's not suicide, etc. And then, she zones out. ~sighs~

I do have a nice collection of Japanese music. I have no idea what they're saying, but it sounds good. I should load her MP3 player with all that.
Well in this house if you refuse to actually discuss why you want to do something that the adults don't think are appropriate, you forfit your right to give input on the matter.
post #50 of 71
10/5/08 at 5:34pm

hang in there

There was an article in Mothering actually, maybe about a year ago about exactly this issue... which I see as teens and staying connected... and the author used music to do so. I think the approach might be worth a shot! You're tastes don't seem all that different, you could start by listening to an alternative rock radio station, even one online (Live 105 in SF) together. Have it on in the car or at home. Maybe you'll get some new favorites and she might too...

hang in there
post #51 of 71
10/6/08 at 3:53am
Hmmmm... this is interesting. Part of me wants to yell "Why is she listening to that?!?!?!". Then the other side reminds me that when I was 9, my favorite groups were 2 Live Crew and NWA. Now THOSE artists had some songs that contained quite the unsavory lyrics (yikes)! BUT, I was a good kid, I just liked really 'bad' music.

So, why does her music bother you? Is it interfering with other parts of her life?
post #52 of 71
10/6/08 at 11:36am
The lyrics seem pretty horrendous.

I can see why you would be disappointed and concerned that she's stonewallling you on discussing them, and just saying that they're 'no big deal.'

Do keep in mind, though, that she may know perfectly well that what the lyrics are talking about IS a big deal and that violence against women isn't fine. She may just be sullen and embarrassed when it comes to discussing any of it with YOU, because you're her mother, and the prospect of having that kind of discussion just ties her in knots. She may also have felt defensive, which goaded her into taking a more radical position than she in fact believes - ie "My mom finds my music, which I and my friends like, to be incredibly offensive? Well, then, I'm going to say that there's absolutely nothing even remotely wrong with a single word in any song on my list! So there!" If this is the case, I'd maybe try to tackle opening a low-key dialogue rather than heightening her sense of being under siege.

Are there any less offensive MCR songs? My dd is a lot younger than yours. She likes Amy Winehouse, and some of her songs are not 'iPod-suitable', while others are fine.
post #53 of 71
10/6/08 at 1:10pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post
Hmmmm... this is interesting. Part of me wants to yell "Why is she listening to that?!?!?!". Then the other side reminds me that when I was 9, my favorite groups were 2 Live Crew and NWA. Now THOSE artists had some songs that contained quite the unsavory lyrics (yikes)! BUT, I was a good kid, I just liked really 'bad' music.

So, why does her music bother you? Is it interfering with other parts of her life?
I am an abuse survivor. I was abused as a child, as a teen, as an adult. I've been stalked, and my stalker tried to kill me. Those lyrics really kinda hit home with all that. And that's why it bothers me so much that DD says they aren't a big deal. Oh, they are a big deal. Oh yes yes yes. And yes, I do see it interfering with other parts of her life too. Her attitude has taken a major dump ever since she started listening to that music (could be the age too, but it's an awful coincidence that until she started listening to those songs she wasn't as bad), she doesn't want to study, all she reads (or wants to read) are dark depressing books, the language she uses it appalling (and I swore as a kid but I had enough sense to NOT do it around adults), etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mammastar2 View Post
The lyrics seem pretty horrendous.

I can see why you would be disappointed and concerned that she's stonewallling you on discussing them, and just saying that they're 'no big deal.'

Do keep in mind, though, that she may know perfectly well that what the lyrics are talking about IS a big deal and that violence against women isn't fine. She may just be sullen and embarrassed when it comes to discussing any of it with YOU, because you're her mother, and the prospect of having that kind of discussion just ties her in knots. She may also have felt defensive, which goaded her into taking a more radical position than she in fact believes - ie "My mom finds my music, which I and my friends like, to be incredibly offensive? Well, then, I'm going to say that there's absolutely nothing even remotely wrong with a single word in any song on my list! So there!" If this is the case, I'd maybe try to tackle opening a low-key dialogue rather than heightening her sense of being under siege.

Are there any less offensive MCR songs? My dd is a lot younger than yours. She likes Amy Winehouse, and some of her songs are not 'iPod-suitable', while others are fine.
You may be right and she may just be embarrassed to talk to me about it. But unfortunately there is no way to know for sure, since she won't talk to me anymore about anything lately.

So far I've looked through a LOT of the MCR lyrics and haven't found any I'm comfortable with, but I'm still looking. I did a search last night for "christian MCR alternatives" and found some groups that she might like. I guess they're technically Christian, but their songs don't talk about God and all that, but neither do the lyrics talk about violence and all that too. So, maybe a good compromise? I hope so.
post #54 of 71
10/6/08 at 2:39pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Well in this house if you refuse to actually discuss why you want to do something that the adults don't think are appropriate, you forfit your right to give input on the matter.
You're another one I'm agreeing with an awful lot lately.

Sometimes I feel like we treat them too much like adults......but then other times I'm surprised at how adult they can sound when we give them the chance to defend their positions.


But if they won't even try? I agree with you, they are not mature enough to make decisions about whatever it is we're discussing at that time.
post #55 of 71
10/6/08 at 4:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
I am an abuse survivor. I was abused as a child, as a teen, as an adult. I've been stalked, and my stalker tried to kill me. Those lyrics really kinda hit home with all that. And that's why it bothers me so much that DD says they aren't a big deal. Oh, they are a big deal. Oh yes yes yes. And yes, I do see it interfering with other parts of her life too. Her attitude has taken a major dump ever since she started listening to that music (could be the age too, but it's an awful coincidence that until she started listening to those songs she wasn't as bad), she doesn't want to study, all she reads (or wants to read) are dark depressing books, the language she uses it appalling (and I swore as a kid but I had enough sense to NOT do it around adults), etc.
First off, I am so sorry for what you went through.

Without sounding harsh, don't you think you're placing too much emphasis on music? Her attitude is bad, she reads dark/depressing books, she uses horrible language... and you think the music is the cause? To me, it sounds as though those things, along with the music, are all symptoms of a much bigger problem. I don't think the music caused the others, just like I don't think the books caused it or the swearing caused it. I think you need to find the root of the problem and address that instead of trying to use the music as a scapegoat. I am reminded of when Columbine happened, everyone wanted to point fingers at Marilyn Manson and Eminem. Give me a break. I guess it was easy, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad
Well in this house if you refuse to actually discuss why you want to do something that the adults don't think are appropriate, you forfit your right to give input on the matter.
Can I get an Amen?
post #56 of 71
10/6/08 at 4:19pm
Thread Starter 
We are working on the other issues, and trying to find resources here to get her into counseling for other things. But in the meantime the music has become the worst of it. She's open to suggestions on other books (though she always goes back to the dark depressing ones), but with music it's the crap or nothing, in her mind. So I have to work on what I can control while trying to find her help for the other things.

Though I do believe that music can greatly influence kids. Not all, some kids are definitely strong enough and know themselves enough to not let it overcome them. But sadly no all. And my DD is one of the ones that does let these things rule her life.
post #57 of 71
10/6/08 at 4:50pm
I don't think it's an overreaction.

The media, TV and music, have a big influence on our children's attitudes.

My dsd has an attachment disorder, and she has a problem separating reality from fantasy, so there are certain things that other children her age can watch on television or in movies and have no problems, but for her there would be a problem. There are things she just does not understand or view correctly, and sometimes the most innocent things will be misconstrued.

Something explicit could be downright dangerous in her case. Every parent has to judge for themselves what their own child can handle.

I'll give you an example: We were watching a show where the mom gave a child a vitamin and my then 6 year old dsd exclaimed 'she's going to kill him!'


Turns out, someone let her stay in the room while they were watching an adult themed show where someone killed someone else with pills. :
She also was exposed to shows where teenaged characters jump from bed to bed. Now I'm left wondering if she thinks it's normal for teenaged girls to sleep with every boy they think is cute. When someone doesn't process information in the standard manner, you worry about things like this, yk?


I don't want my dcs to think it's normal for teens to jump from bed to bed, or that if a parent hands you a pill they're trying to harm you, and I especially don't want them to think a love relationship equals violence. When music and media reflect that on a daily basis, they become numb to it and accept it as the norm.
post #58 of 71
10/6/08 at 5:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
So I have to work on what I can control while trying to find her help for the other things.
(
Maybe she's listening to that kind of music because it's the thing she can control.
post #59 of 71
10/6/08 at 5:21pm
Good Christian (but not overtly so) rock!

Creed anyone!

Such a shame they ever broke up, but there were getting too much hassle from both sides. Too christian for the rock people, too rock for the christian people *sigh*
post #60 of 71
10/6/08 at 6:05pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post
Maybe she's listening to that kind of music because it's the thing she can control.
That is possible. But until I know she's mature enough to handle that kind of music I just can't allow it. It just feel very wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Good Christian (but not overtly so) rock!

Creed anyone!

Such a shame they ever broke up, but there were getting too much hassle from both sides. Too christian for the rock people, too rock for the christian people *sigh*
That's actually what I've been looking into. Christian alternatives for that genre. So far I've found a couple. At least I'm TOLD they're Christian. The lyrics don't mention God at all, but neither do they mention drugs, violence, etc. So, works for me.
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Ages and Stages › Preteens and Teens › Is there ANY decent music out there for preteens?