Help? How do I talk to this pg mama about BF?

[sparklett]

Hi mamas,

A family friend is pregnant with her second child and due soon. She is very mainstream. She did not nurse her first baby (who is now five) and recently made it very clear that she absolutely would not be nursing this baby, either. Her reasoning was that she would be going back to work at 6 weeks, so why bother, AND (get this) she and her DH once babysat a breastfed baby and it cried the whole time because it wouldn't take a bottle and "there is no way they would ever put someone though that."

I am not very close to this person, and I am the only one in her social and family circle who BFs (that makes me the weird crunchy one). The last time I saw her, I did gently bring up the idea of pumping, but she shrugged it off. At a recent get-together, literally everyone with a baby was feeding formula.

Without sounding preachy or rude, is there anything I could say or do to help this mama "see the light" ? Considering that she will have zero breastfeeding support from her family and husband, and says she is not interested in doing it in the slightest, should I even try?

Thanks

[Kinguk]

I'm in a similar situation...

I know so many women who, for one reason or another, ended up formula feeding their first babies and have announced they will not even try breastfeeding the second baby. One in particular is now pregnant. She hasn't mentioned it since she's been pregnant but when she does I will take that opportunity to discuss it with her.

We have all sat around before and talked about breastfeeding/formula feeding and the concensus was that breastfeeding after a year was ridiculous, and yes literally every mother at playgroup was formula feeding her baby and I felt so 'crunchy' as you put it! Comments were made here and there towards me. Thank gosh I got out of that town!

Anyway, for my sanity, I eventually was able to just accepted that it is what it is and the problem lay not with the parents not wanting to breastfeed but, in our society and everything that is against families trying to breastfeed.

But, whenever the topic does come up, I jump on the opportunity to talk to them about it. I stopped judging and as a result, find that I am able to talk to these parents much more effectively and to actually, genuinely be understanding. One friend is going to continue breastfeeding her next baby past 6 months b/c of a conversation we had together, so yay!

I only talk about it if they bring it up and then I will simply state, "you've decided to formula feed?" For a really good friend I would be a little more blunt and say something more along the lines of, "is there anything I can do to make you change your mind on that!?"

I like to question them about why they made that choice and where they got their information from. (I like to make them think!) With one friend who told me that there was "no nutritional value to breastfeeding after 6 months" I blurted out, "THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP!" She looked at me with wide eyes and then laughed. Then I stated the WHO recommendations of nursing to two years, Health Canada and (I forget the other one!) that recommends nursing to a year and not introduce solids until at least 6 months, to which she replied, "oh really?" But, she's still going to formula feed her baby, so whatev'. I tried.

Oh yeah, and I always ask if they have a library card and then write down the titles of a book or two on the topic and tell them they "have to" go read it!

[beru]

If I feel someone's a lost cause, I ask them to at least consider nursing when the baby is born so it get's colostrum. I tell the story of my freind's OB who is very pushy about breastfeeding in the first days. She says colostrum is baby's first vaccine and if both mother and baby are able, it is ridiculous to deny it to the baby. You are in the hospital getting help so you should be able to cope with a couple of days nursing...

I figure if the mom make that initial connection, it could possibly change their mind and they will continue.

[BugMacGee]

Somehow, someone in L&D or the nursery convinced a mom who planned to FF to at least try to BF. By the time she was dc'ed, she was exclusively BF'ing (I don't know what happened after she left)

I wasn't the one who convinced her to try the first time so I don't know how they did it, but it changed her mind. It's not impossible. But, if it's not the norm for the group, I don't know.

I consider many of my friends "mainstream" but every single one of them breastfed. Definitely the norm where I am.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

When my dd was born, I was quite mainstream. "What to expect" was my "baby-bible". I initiated breastfeeding, and had told everyone that I *was* going to breastfeed. So, when it hurt to high heaven and I had doubts about my supply, the only thing that had kept me from quitting was not wanting to "lose face". It got better. However, had I quit, I probably would not have even attempted to breastfeed the second and likely would not be planning to breastfeed this one.

I kept resetting my goals: when it was "bad", just make it through the day; make it to the end of the week--in fact, I gave myself a date and said "If it is not better by X Date, I'll switch to formula"; then 4 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year; then whenever we decide to wean.

[sparklett]

I think I need to clarify- I only mentioned her mainstream mentality because part of the problem is that she equates breastfeeding with being crunchy. I know other very mainstream mamas who are pro-BF, but this mama has a somewhat skewed version of what it's all about. It seems like she thinks BFing is all about being part of a specific kind of crunchy lifestyle, and does not think of it as simply being a normal part of being a mother.

And unfortunately, she'll be having her baby at a hospital that doesn't have the best BFing rates, and our whole region does not have good BFing success rates, either, so she's not going to get a ton of encouragement from that end.

She really does not see the need to breastfeed, and did not see the need to nurse her first baby, either.

Short of anonymously sending her a huge breastfeeding resource package in the mail, I just don't know how to get through to her. Her entire family (including her daughter) has health problems that include morbid obesity, and I would think that she would want to give the new baby every health benefit that breastfeeding has to offer. I just wish I knew how to say that to her.

[pumpkinhead]

Honestly, I wouldn't continue to encourage her to breastfeed. This may be unpopular, but if someone has made it eminently clear that they do not wish to breastfeed, have no intentions to try and has rebuffed any attempt on your part to discuss the subject, I would respect her wishes and leave it alone.

I would definitely offer my help as in "Well, if you change your mind, I have lots of good information, tips, literature, resources that could help you out" but I wouldn't keep bringing it up after that.

My motto is: Help the ones who want and need help. I don't have the energy and time to convert the opposed. It's different if someone is on the fence or is at least receptive to the idea, but those who are adamantly opposed and unreceptive to conversation about it don't tend to change their minds and you just end up discouraged and disappointed.

[brookie514]

What about going another direction? Instead of going over the benefits for baby, tell her the benefits for HER! Faster weight loss, possibly no AF, lower breast cancer risk, yadda yadda yadda. I've conviced a few to try that way! HTH!! And gl! I do agree with the pp about the books. Information never hurt anyone.