I feel broken

[kungfumoose]

I have now had both my children by c-section.

With my daughter I was attempting a UC (HB MW was not an option) and we ended up transfering because something seemed "off" I'll never know what was wrong, because the doctors started every intervention you can think of, and I end up with the CS.
The experience was terribly damaging, and traumatising, I was emotionally, and verbally abused, and even strapped down to the bed at one point (yes, you read that right..I was literally strapped to the bed!)
The cruelty of the staff (because I tried UC, and they found out) was terrible. Horrible, horrible things happened to me, and I have only recently been able to talk about the experience in more detail. I suffered sever PPD and I had PTSD.

I was determined to stay away from the hospital with my son unless absolutely nessecary. We never found a midwife that I was truly comfortable with (even finding one willing to do VBAC was difficult). I finally just decided to labor unasisted, and call the MW at the end (if we felt the need). I had prenatal care with an OB just to make sure that things went more smoothly if I ended up transfering.

I had almost 12 hours of early labor, and then active labor started. Labor would really get going, then for no apparent reason, stop for a few minutes, then slowly get going again. We finally called the MW after about 62 hours of hard labor, I was exhausted, and she really tried to help, but I never progressed past a 6 dilation. I started to pass meconium, and it was just the last straw, so we ended up transfering (77 hours after active labor had started.)
The OB wouldn't give me an epidural, and insisted on a c-section. I was totally exhausted, and just wanted it over, so I consented.
I feel like such a failure. I really do. I know that 77 hours is a big thing, but i still wonder if I had waited a little longer, just another hour or two, would I have had my VBAC?

Luckily this CS was nothing like the previous, and although it was another surgical birth, it really helped to heal some of the wounds from my daughter's birth, and restored some of my trust in the medical community.

I feel so broken. I couldn't get my children out. I mean....77 hours? really? if you can't do it in 77 hours, well then I guess you can't do it at all. you know?

Part of me hopes that the CS were necesary, because I hate to think I consented if they weren't, but if they were, does that mean I am broken?
Is it possible for me to have children the natural way?

I found out that my son was posterior, and asynclitic (head tilted to the side) and I am sure that is why it was slow going. My daughter had to be posterior also, because the doctor cut her cheek when he cut my uterus open(she'll bear that scar for life, because they never stitched her cut) so she was definately facing up. She might have been asynclitic as well, but I don't know.

I just feel broken, and although I want more children, I don't want to try a VBAC, and I don't want another CS. (I have extensive scarring from the first CS, and ended up losing a lot of blood with this last one, and becoming anemic because it took so long to cut through all the scar tissue)
I just don't know what to do, an I am terrified of getting pregnant again. So much so, that I have not resumed relations with my DH (no other BC is 100%), and my son is three months old already (Poor DH).

I have always wanted a big family, but I just feel broken, emotionally, physically, and mentally, and I really don't want to deal with another birth.
I just don't know how to heal or prepare for the next time. What can I do? Where do I start?

[bobandjess99]

hugs.

i remember following your with your first birth. I'm so sorry about both of those experiences.

I didn't "resume relations" for 10 months after dd, and slightly over 3 months with ds. Too much trauma, pain, fear. So you are not alone there. You are not alone in any of this.

hugs for now...take time, lots of time......but hugs for now.

[azzeps]

I'm sorry you feel broken. I can identify. After planning for a natural delivery outside the hospital, I too had to have a c-section. I felt (and still feel) like my body failed me because it didn't do what it was supposed to do. I feel like my only consolation is that my body did conceive and grow a lovely, healthy, wonderful daughter. And yours did too. Perhaps there is an ICAN chapter in your area. I went to a meeting and found it tremendously helpful to tell my story to other women who have been there, just like I have, on that operating table.

[eastkygal]

My HBAC ended in another c-section. My sweet babe was posterior, her cord was wrapped several times around her arm, and her head was cocked back. I knew at about 40 weeks that I should have went into labor by that point. Everything in me told me that it was time to have the baby, but it didn't happen. At 41 weeks 6 days my water broke with the bad meconium and there was no labor. After a day and some hours at home with inconsistent contractions and no dilation, we transferred to the hospital. I labored there some, but the OB was insistent that I wouldn't be successful. When DD started having decels and I hadn't dilated past 3 for over a day eventhough I had progressed through every stage of labor including transition, everyone thought c-section was necessary. My first c-section was not necessary. I too have felt broken. Emotionally, and instinctually my body craves a natural birth. I can't do another surgery though, we can't afford another, and I couldn't guarantee a natural birth. I'm now dealing with a misplaced Mirena and no insurance to get it fixed etc... etc... So, I completely feel for you. Take it slow. Don't obsess about birth for a while, take solace in raising your babes. Of course it will be there, but give yourself room to feel the feelings you do unhindered and as they naturally come. I also try to be thankful that the second time a c-section was available to me. Had I been living in a different time, it is likely both me and my babe would have passed away.

[AutumnAir]

I am so sorry that you went through all of that.
I can totally relate - I was birth-raped in the hospital after we transferred from a homebirth, and am still suffering severe PTSD as a result. As far as I can figure out, my DD was also asynclitic and posterior - I wonder how many traumatic births have that malpresentation at their root?
Although I didn't have a c-section, I too feel broken. I was not allowed to birth my baby - she was cut and pulled out of me violently, and I hate that she suffered because of my inability to birth her naturally and easily.
I have no advice, just sympathy.