What would you do?

[Thandiwe]

Alright, my awesome, awesome posse of mommies who have all the answers...what would you do?

This is a two-part whammy. First: how would you get info to a judge/referee who you believe is not getting all the info you feel is important to the case because the caseworker may not be doing her job? This leads me to part two...

Do you think the following is a vital point? The parents of our foster baby were former friends of ours. We received custody of her because the mom invited me to the TDM where the removal occurred at. As such, they were given full rights to call as much and as often as possible. Initially, that was all the time. Eventually, it tapered off. Take a look:

2008

July - (We received custody of J on 7-22-08.)
7-22, 7-23, 7-24, 7-25, 7-27, 7-28

August
8-1, 8-2, 8-5, 8-11, 8-12, 8-19

September
9-18, 9-28

No calls since 9-28. Please also note this simple fact: the last case with their two older kids had this same issue. The CPS worker from the last case testified that the children had purposely been placed with a maternal aunt right across the road and the parents had been given unlimited rights to see their kids. The state wanted to reunite the family, so they left it really open. Even as such, they NEVER went to see their kids. The worker testified that he was upset about that fact. Here we are, once again seeing the pattern. The current worker, though, doesn't see it as a problem. I feel this case isn't going the way it should. For example, there's legislation called Binsfield that allows/requires that parents who've lost former kids lose rights to future kids if conditions haven't changed. The prosecutor, it turns out, violated this fact and the SW didn't speak up. Now she's not holding these parents as accountable as I feel she should.

This outrages me...I don't want to see her slip through the cracks. What would you do? Besides the one hour supervised visits as DHS, they show no interest in her. No calls (please note that I initiated one of the two calls in the last month), no gifts or contributions such as formula, diapers, even clothes, etc. Nothing. They're doing the minimal work they possibly can.

Please weigh in. I want to rest at the end of this case knowing that once the judge made his determination, he had every single piece of information possible. Only then will I rest knowing the case happened the way it was meant to. As it stands now, I don't like this worker's half a** effort...

[mamarhu]

I wrote a letter to the judge in our case, because my point of view is so different from the social worker's. Our situation involves many therapists and lawyers as well, and they all have to express only the professional side of their opinions. But I have the luxury of being direct and honest. I am never critical of the birth mom, but frank about the needs of the kids.

If I were you, I think I would write a letter to the judge, pointing out the tapering pattern to the visits. You probably could mention the lack of other contributions if you want, but that isn't something that is a deal breaker - most bio families don't.

I agree - I want to be sure the judge hears all aspects of the case. But he still can only decide within the limits of the law. He must have legal, not emotional, explanations for decisions, or they will be reversed on appeal.

Good luck to you and the child, and I hope that the decision is what is best for the child in the end.

[Sierra]

I generally write a report to the court for each dependency review hearing (those are the hearings they have regularly). My role as a foster parent is to care for the child and support the family in working toward reunification, so I always try to frame my report around "how is the child doing" (primary focus) and "what support am I providing to parent and child." In terms of support, I just write a sentence or two in each paragraph that is otherwise about how the child is doing. I will include whether that support is being accepted or not by the parent. For instance, I might say, "I let [the mother] know she can call even multiple times each day to check on the baby if she wishes. At this time she is calling twice per month."

I try to keep my report honest and direct, but also neutral in tone. I've found that foster parents are considered to some extent a part of the "professional" team, and judges respond very well to that style of documentation.

For example, you might say:
"[Parents] are encouraged and welcome to call as much and as often as possible to keep in touch regarding [child]. Initially, their calls were frequent, but the calls have tapered off. The following is the list of all contacts they have made with us.

2008

July - (J came to us on 7-22-08.)
7-22, 7-23, 7-24, 7-25, 7-27, 7-28

August
8-1, 8-2, 8-5, 8-11, 8-12, 8-19

September
9-18, 9-28

We have not received any calls since 9-28."

You can also give additional information about the calls. For example, do they happen primarily when there is a court hearing coming up, or are they more spread out? What is the nature of the calls? Are the parents checking in on the baby, or are they checking in with you about social worker or court-related business?

I learned somewhere along the line that in the state we are from, the social workers are supposed to collect such reports from foster parents before each court date, and submit them to the court with all the state's materials. It was clear, though, that none of the social workers knew this. In fact, it wasn't until I was on the foster parent advisory board and I went to the head of the department about this that they finally included this in foster parent training and started instructing social workers to ask for them.

Some states actually have forms that are used for "caretaker reports to the court," such as this one http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/caretaker.html

If you give such a report to the social worker, can you trust the judge will receive it?

[Sierra]

P.S. It probably goes without saying, but just to be thorough, phone calls and emails to the judge are not generally allowed because they constitute exparte communication.

[Polliwog]

I agree with the above posters but honestly, it seems like the parents are doing what many birth parents do and doesn't usually have much bearing on the case. They are doing their weekly visits which is in compliance with what's in their case plan. I've never had a family that made regular phone calls. In fact, with my first and third (current) foster daughters I've never received a call even though they're welcome to do so. Chris's birth mother and grandmother called from time to time- maybe once every two months or so. I did see his grandmother at school, in the beginning when his younger sister was still living with her.

Definitely keep the tone of any report as neutral and factual as possible.

Good luck.

[SundayCrepes]

Is there a court appointed advocate for the LO--an attorney, GAL, CASA worker, anyone who has the judge's ear that you could talk directly to?

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by mybabysmama

Is there a court appointed advocate for the LO--an attorney, GAL, CASA worker, anyone who has the judge's ear that you could talk directly to?

Yes, there's a GAL, but he's a real piece of work. He's best buddies with the dad's attorney, and it's very, very obvious he has allowed this fact to muddy his opinion (it's very, very clear they discuss this case outside of the court room - they've already admitted to that). He doesn't feel the parents have "done anything wrong." Of course, this was a very immature "man" who bragged about drinking too much and openly lit a cigarette in the middle of the office w/o any care or concern for us. He's not really standing up much for her....

I'm going to give a report to the caseworker to give to the judge and pray that it makes it there. If I give the caseworker a "progress report," are the parents/parent's attorneys allowed access to that piece of paper, or is my communication (the progress report) considered confidential?

[Sierra]

It's been a while, and I know you have had court. I've been worried about you, bens_mommy2005. How is your family?

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Sierra

It's been a while, and I know you have had court. I've been worried about you, bens_mommy2005. How is your family?

I've been thinking about you, as well. Please check in and let us know what's going on.

[Thandiwe]

: Soooo sorry, ladies!! I've kind of had a stop/stall week since court. Part of it was for processing the emotions, part of it was sheer chaos from busy-ness. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've found that I can't talk about it in the immediate aftermath (as in the first day). I called my husband on the way home from court (it's like an hour away) and I couldn't talk about it. I needed to scream to the radio and be "absent" emotionally while everything settled. By the next day, I'm processing and able to talk. Okay, so here's the low-down:

I got into court early on Wednesday, ahead of the parents. They waited until about 2-3 minutes after the start time to arrive. Once the social worker arrived, I pulled her aside and handed her my report on J's progress. We talked about how she would get the judge the report. The parents soon arrived and immediately began interrogating the social worker about why I was there. Basically, they once again wanted to try to "forbid" me from being in the courtroom. They know that when I'm around, I bring a lot of "unpleasant-ness" to the surface, and I personally think they wanted to try and snow the judge. Partly, too, I think they're embarrassed to have their dirty laundry aired. Can't say I blame them.

Anyways, the SW handed out copies of the parent agency agreement before we went into court. The parents began reviewing it with their respective lawyers. Soon the dad was ticked off; he was NOT going to be taking domestic violence classes, in his opinion. He didn't need them, couldn't afford them. I should interject here that it's only $15 a week for these classes. That's a pack of the disposable diapers and wipes they were buying for the baby pre-removal. Well, he began yelling at the mom, like it was her fault. He was going on and on about how her treatment didn't cost anything (counseling is paid for) and how she wouldn't get off her a** and get a job or quit smoking or anything to help get money. Their attorneys actually had to come in and try to diffuse the situation. His attorney actually said (gotta love court-appointed), "Well apparently you need it!" and - my favorite - "You're telling me $15 is more important than your daughter?!?!" Ugh. It was bad. The SW walked by me and hid her purse over her face to hide the giggle. It was insane; it was one of those moments where it's so very obvious what a fool someone is making of themselves.

So we got into court to find another surprise. The judge asked if everyone had a copy of my report. Oops; didn't know I was supposed to provide one, nor did I really want to. My report mentioned how the parents basically never call (though we were friends prior to this) to check on the baby and how they have, on two separate occasions, asked me to meet them outside of the DHS visits. So, I just didn't feel up to handing them a copy. But, the judge quickly "fixed" my mistake and summarized the report for everyone (how kind of him??!!). I couldn't look at the mom while he was saying everything. I felt like my hands were bloodied from stabbing her in the back. It was so hard to sit there. This tiny part of me wanted to jump up and snatch the report from the judge's hands, or scream LALALALALALALA on the top of my lungs while he was saying it. The mom's birthday was yesterday, and I gave her the greatest gift - driving the stake in deeper. But, all I said was the truth, and this beautiful baby needs someone to defend her. No one said it would be easy, though.

I was "reprimanded" (sort of) for including each date the parents called, thus clearly pointing out how little they call. He said he won't "penalize" them for it since she's so little, but that it wouldn't hurt for them to call outside of visits since I'm clearly okay with it. But I'm glad it's in the records. As this continues and becomes a pattern, it's clearly stated from the beginning. I needed to say those things, and I'm glad I did.

We started going through the treatment plan, and the judge toughened a few aspects up a little. He gave the SW the right to investigate previous issues a little further if the psych eval doesn't recommend counseling. He's very concerned given the extremely recent nature of the last case. He also scolded the parents for not working. Specifically, he said that someone needs to start paying on the bill they are racking up through the court. Finally, he kept visitations at DHS, supervised for one hour, until at least the next hearing, which is in 3 mos. On the way out, the SW mentioned to me how the mom could be doing everything on the TP and yet if the dad isn't, since they're working as a couple, it could deem them both non-compliant.

So, it was good and it was bad. It was so hard to sit there and face her while I "sold" her out. But I truly love her. I want better for her. I want her to have to step up and make these changes so she can get her daughter back. I'm not trying to "keep" her daughter. That only comes into play because I am deathly terrified that they will walk through this treatment plan and get her back w/o any real change. I get sick to my stomach thinking she might go home to parents who scream and cuss at each other constantly, scream at their kids for things kids should never be screamed at for, lock their kids up for hours and hours like dogs just so they can sleep, and fail to keep them safe while throwing drug/drinking parties. I'm horribly, horribly terrified that they'll manage to hold it together long enough to pass through the system and get her back and then she'll get hurt, neglected, or kept from us forever.

This is why I've been emotionally absent this past week. I've eaten more ice cream and macaroni and cheese than I'd ever care to admit. This is not easy. It's not natural for someone to fall in love with a child only to have to hand them over to a home they know is not okay. I know, I know- I'm jumping the gun. But, really, how do you spend all this time pretending like we're only living for today and then be okay with RU if it's really not the best? I feel like I have to start preparing my heart.

Blach. This is quite an adventure.

On the brighter side, our foster care licensing should be finalized in the next 4 weeks, so hopefully we'll begin getting some assistance for her! That's a good thing. There have been times this past few weeks where I've had to "grocery" shop at my mom's house...we just couldn't make it another week until pay-day. We desperately need a little help if I'm going to continue staying home to raise all our kiddos.

Thank you, everyone, for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by bens_mommy_2005

: Soooo sorry, ladies!! I've kind of had a stop/stall week since court. Part of it was for processing the emotions, part of it was sheer chaos from busy-ness. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've found that I can't talk about it in the immediate aftermath (as in the first day). I called my husband on the way home from court (it's like an hour away) and I couldn't talk about it. I needed to scream to the radio and be "absent" emotionally while everything settled. By the next day, I'm processing and able to talk.

I am *totally* the same way with anything highly emotional. Sometimes it takes me a week or more to be able to talk about it. dw hates to wait for details, but it's the only way I can manage.

It was insane; it was one of those moments where it's so very obvious what a fool someone is making of themselves.

Sounds intense. And ironic.

So we got into court to find another surprise. The judge asked if everyone had a copy of my report. Oops; didn't know I was supposed to provide one, nor did I really want to.

Oh man! I honestly didn't know whether parents see the reports I give, though I suppose it makes sense that they would.

How terribly uncomfortable, though. Next time I bet if you get it into the social worker ahead of time, she'll submit it with her stuff and you can at least avoid having to be there when the parents read it (I'm assuming the documents are shared between attorneys ahead of time normally).

Ugh. Sorry to have helped to lead you into that one! Yikes.

But, the judge quickly "fixed" my mistake and summarized the report for everyone (how kind of him??!!). I couldn't look at the mom while he was saying everything. I felt like my hands were bloodied from stabbing her in the back.

That's awful. Your report was quite objective, but I can only imagine that in a brief oral summary, it would have sounded biased. Urgh!

But, all I said was the truth, and this beautiful baby needs someone to defend her. No one said it would be easy, though.

Yep, it is really truly very difficult. But you are soooooo super right. You are doing what you need to do to help protect this baby.

I was "reprimanded" (sort of) for including each date the parents called, thus clearly pointing out how little they call. He said he won't "penalize" them for it since she's so little, but that it wouldn't hurt for them to call outside of visits since I'm clearly okay with it.

I think it was sooooooo super inappropriate for the judge to comment on the quality of your report like that. He wouldn't do that with any other member of the professional team (at least I hope not!). That kind of thing would be absolutely shocking where I am from. The only time I have *ever* heard a judge make a comment from the stand about any report was once when a judge complimented a CASA/GAL by saying, "Thank you so much for your report, by the way. As always, this was very well written and thorough."

I am dreadful it is also a sign that he sees you as a non-professional party working against the parents, which is not good. I hope I am wrong. I also hope he will have enough time to review your next report to know that you really are trying to give a fair account and help keep him updated about the baby. By the way, did you attach a current photo of the baby to the report?

But I'm glad it's in the records.

Absolutely!

And he is of course wrong, by the way. While the social worker needs to limit herself to reporting about case plan progress specific to each of the case plan objectives, your report would most likely be broader and not structured around particular objectives but rather overall how the baby's interests are being served. Obviously the more involved and communicative the parents are, the better bond they will be able to forge during visitation tme.

As this continues and becomes a pattern, it's clearly stated from the beginning. I needed to say those things, and I'm glad I did.

Definitely.

We started going through the treatment plan, and the judge toughened a few aspects up a little. He gave the SW the right to investigate previous issues a little further if the psych eval doesn't recommend counseling. He's very concerned given the extremely recent nature of the last case. He also scolded the parents for not working. Specifically, he said that someone needs to start paying on the bill they are racking up through the court. Finally, he kept visitations at DHS, supervised for one hour, until at least the next hearing, which is in 3 mos. On the way out, the SW mentioned to me how the mom could be doing everything on the TP and yet if the dad isn't, since they're working as a couple, it could deem them both non-compliant.

The good news is that it sounds like he is going to make sure these parents are really working for change.

It was so hard to sit there and face her while I "sold" her out. But I truly love her.

Of course. True love is does not equate to enabling someone.

I want better for her. I want her to have to step up and make these changes so she can get her daughter back. I'm not trying to "keep" her daughter. That only comes into play because I am deathly terrified that they will walk through this treatment plan and get her back w/o any real change. I get sick to my stomach thinking she might go home to parents who scream and cuss at each other constantly, scream at their kids for things kids should never be screamed at for, lock their kids up for hours and hours like dogs just so they can sleep, and fail to keep them safe while throwing drug/drinking parties. I'm horribly, horribly terrified that they'll manage to hold it together long enough to pass through the system and get her back and then she'll get hurt, neglected, or kept from us forever.

Yes, it is one of every foster parent's nightmares.

This is why I've been emotionally absent this past week. I've eaten more ice cream and macaroni and cheese than I'd ever care to admit.

Oh, if only you knew how much weight I have gained from the stress of this roller coaster!

This is not easy. It's not natural for someone to fall in love with a child only to have to hand them over to a home they know is not okay. I know, I know- I'm jumping the gun. But, really, how do you spend all this time pretending like we're only living for today and then be okay with RU if it's really not the best? I feel like I have to start preparing my heart.

Yes. It is not easy. No, it is not natural. I don't know how all of us do it. But somehow, we survive.

On the brighter side, our foster care licensing should be finalized in the next 4 weeks, so hopefully we'll begin getting some assistance for her! That's a good thing. There have been times this past few weeks where I've had to "grocery" shop at my mom's house...we just couldn't make it another week until pay-day. We desperately need a little help if I'm going to continue staying home to raise all our kiddos.

I am glad you are getting licensed.

By the way, you might be interested to know that most likely, the baby's parents will be required to make child support payments to the state. If they aren't working, it won't be much. But I do seem to recall that being mentioned to me somewhere along the way.

Thank you, everyone, for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Thank you for keeping us posted.

As always, hang in.