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I think my 4yo was sexually abused UPDATE

post #1 of 163
Thread Starter 
Last night we were in bed (mom, dad, 1.5 yo ds and almost 4 yo dd) and having a safety talk. We have been having the "special parts" talk since much younger, and have always instilled no one but mommy/daddy or she should touch her vulva, bottom, or put anything in her vagina.

We first talked about how grown ups shouldn't ask other grown ups for help and asked her what she would do if someone she didn't know told her they lost their puppy and asked her to help look for it. She said she would tell him that she had to go get her dad and they would all look together. Then I asked her what she would do if someone tried to pick her up and take her away. She said she would hit them and scream. I told her she could bite them and poke their eyes and kick and yell. I told her to say "that's not my daddy/mommy!", "FIRE", etc.

She then said something to the effect of, "if he puts his penis in my mouth/face again I will bite it."

So I said, "no one should ever put their penis near your face. You should never see anyone's penis except dad or evan." Have you seen anyone elses penis? She said she had seen A's penis when he peed in her mouth. (A is a former neighbor). I asked about other people and she said no to everyone else except this man and son.

Dad reacted quite a bit with a surprised and angry face, but I remained matter of fact and put a hand up to dh and reminded him we were just talking and not to react.

I asked her when this happened, and she told me "when I was a baby" (which in bella's mind could be last week). She said she was in the hallway and he came up for work. He was going to try to kill her and she ran in the house and tried to lock the door but he banged on it so she ran into our bedroom and hid in the corner. He came in and his penis was "long long long" and he peed in my mouth.

I asked her where J was (A's wife) and she said downstairs with her kids. Another time she said she was away for the week. I asked her where mommy/daddy/evan were and she said "nowhere".

She started to get very scared and wanted to nurse and hide between dh and I. She kept looking frightfully at our bedroom door. That was the end of last night.

Today, I asked her if she remembered what she told me last night. She did and I asked her if she remembered what color the pee was and she said it was white and gray, not yellow like daddy's pee. I asked her to remind me what A looked like and she did it pretty well. We haven't seen these people since July.

I am having a really hard time piecing this together and determining what is fact and what is fiction. To my recollection there was never a time when she was left alone with this man. Whenver she went down to play, I'm pretty sure both parents were home, and we were always right upstairs. We played regularly with them, had each other over for dinner, etc.

There was a time when J (mom) went out of town for a week, but they were never in my home when I wasn't there. She may have gone down once during this time to play for a short period.

There was also a time when J was away that I was watching her two younger children. Her DS is 3 weeks younger than my dd. At one point, I found my dd and her ds in our bedroom and they were naked. Bella told me they were pretending there was no bathroom and they peed on the floor, she by the door, him in the corner (that was a whole other conversation!).

Having been abused myself, I am near vomitting and collapse about this. I am remaining very calm and matter of fact to her, but inside I am dying. How do I figure this out. What is my next step?
post #2 of 163
That is really scary and awful! I don't have any advice. Just a
post #3 of 163

I don't know how your relationship is with your ped, but that would be my first phone call. Talk to him/her about it and then hopefully get a referral for a child psychologist.
I would definitely be alarmed.
post #4 of 163
Originally Posted by ollineeba View Post

I don't know how your relationship is with your ped, but that would be my first phone call. Talk to him/her about it and then hopefully get a referral for a child psychologist.
I would definitely be alarmed.
This. The details she has been able to provide are far too vivid and accurate to be able to brush this off as a bad dream.

I'm so sorry, mama.
post #5 of 163
She probably doesn't remember the details correctly. She may be combining several occasions together into one. So, don't take everything she says as factual.

I had a student who was playing the "ooh gross" game with other students. "ooh gross" was a game where they made up gross stories and everyone would say "ooh gross" and then laugh. But when Tom told his story, he said "My Dad put his wiener in my mouth and peed". I jumped right into that converstation... I played "ooh gross' with them. I didn't make it seem like it was wrong, I just wanted to play too. The more he told, the more It became obvious that he was telling at least a partial truth.

When we narrowed the whole story down. (parents, teachers, etc) His teenage cousin molested Tom. (not dad) They went to California for a vacation, and the cousin seemed to like hanging out with Tom. So, nobody gave it a second thought, and even let the cousin give Tom a bath. They were all in a hotel, so Tom and the cousin shared a double bed. The cousin was molesting Tom right in front of the adults, and nobody ever knew.

He gave the same physical details as you daughter. But, he was confused about some of the times and places, and he didn't really want to say it was cousin, so he said it was Dad.
post #6 of 163
I am so sorry for you and your child. Please seek a therapist for your family and your daughter. I can't help but wonder if that time you found the 2 kids naked in your room - if HE was hiding in the room somewhere. Seriously consider filing charges against this man. As uncomfortable as that is - he will probably do it again to someone else or his own children. This incident/s will affect her forever, as you already know. It may help her when she is older to know that you all did something about it in a legal sense. If she is given the emotional tools now to make sense of it and heal --- that will allow her to continue to be a child and grow beautifully. Forgive yourself. You can't change the past ... just make sure the future is as bright as can be. I think that there will be healing for you as well through this process. I am so so so sorry this happened. I will keep you guys in positive healing thoughts.
post #7 of 163
Hugs to you. With all the details she has given you, I believe this has to be true. She has provided very accurate details to you - I would not doubt anything she has told you. I would probably start with your pediatrician too - they should be able to point you in the right direction. I'm remembering one of the Q&A we had at a safety class last week: Q - If a child comes to you and tells you they were molested/abused, are they telling the truth? A - YES.
post #8 of 163
Originally Posted by rahans View Post
Q - If a child comes to you and tells you they were molested/abused, are they telling the truth? A - YES.

please, call your child's hcp as soon as possible, and please consider pressing charges.
post #9 of 163
Remember not to ask too many questions about it (or let anyone else), so that she doesn't get her story any more confused before she can talk to someone who specializes in getting children's statements in case you decide to press charges.
post #10 of 163

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Do you guys have a ped right now who could refer you to someone? I know our neighbor saw a counselor nearby when they had similar issues. I could get that number if you want.

Call me if you need to talk.
post #11 of 163
I don't have any advice, just couldn't read and not post to you mama and your little girl. I'm so so sorry--I'm glad she has you who listens to her & takes care of her.
post #12 of 163
You've gotten some good advice. Talk to a doctor and get a referral, both to help you and your daughter work through this and to get the story straight. Also ask if your doctor would recommend a physical exam.

I am so so very sorry this happened.
post #13 of 163
oh mama i'm crying for her and you. i am so very sorry that this has happened to her.
post #14 of 163
How terrible. I'm so sorry you and your dd are having to deal with this. Hopefully she is young enough that it won't affect her later in life.
post #15 of 163

I hope you get to the bottom of this. FWIW, the way you've handled this so far is nothing short of incredible. You're a strong woman! Prayers for you and your daughter...
post #16 of 163
I am so sorry this has happened. I will be thinking of your family and your daughter. Stay strong.
post #17 of 163
press charges! and i suggest talking to your daughter and getting your conversation on tape just in case she's frightened about talking to others about what has happened.

i'm very sorry u have to go through this.
post #18 of 163
I felt horrified and sick to my stomach just reading the details you posted; I can only imagine what you and your dh are going through.

You've done an amazing job communicating about these issues with your dd so she was able to understand and communicate about what happened. Not to mention keeping as calm as you have with your dd so as not to scare her further.

I think you've gotten great advice, and I can't add anything to it, but had to post in support. Please let us know what happens
post #19 of 163
I think you need to take your sweet dd to her dr. I also think you need to press charges.
I am so sorry this happened.
post #20 of 163
i'm so sorry, but i am so glad that your daughter trusted you and telling you....and it's great that you are listening and trusting her. this is how you protect her and teach her to protect and respect herself.

yes call your ped. yes take this seriously. make sure you find a child psychologist with particular training in this area....better yet if you have a children's hospital nearby they sometimes have staff who will do one single sexual abuse evaluation to prevent multiple questioing and more trauma for your dd. if you choose to involve the authorities that evaluation will be shared with them as evidence. i would also suggest that you and your dh seek some cousneling as well, especially based on your history.

i'm so sorry this went on, but again, the fact that your little one told you is so important.
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