What should I have done?

[Mosaic]

I'm a little embarrassed to post this, as it happened over 2 years ago. But it was so hurtful that I still think about it and wish I knew how I could have handled it better.

DD came early, and we hadn't nailed down a pediatrician yet so we went to the open house of an office recommended to us by DH's coworkers. DD was not yet 2 weeks old and I was obviously a very new BFer, never NIPed, etc. When we got there, the too-small room was filled with pregnant moms and their partners, so we (the only ones with a LO) were left to sit on the floor right inside the door, in the very front of the room, not even 3 feet from the doctor giving the overview of the office policies, etc.

As I expected, DD was hungry and I promptly set to nursing her. I tried my best to be modest, but, well, you know what it's like in the beginning... I was self-conscious, DH was trying to shield me, it was not an especially smooth process, but we were quiet and tried not to distract others.

After DD had been nursing for at least 15 min. the doctor climbed onto his soapbox: "You can bf if you want or use formula, it doesn't matter. Do what works best for you. There will be people who will pressure you into BFing, but it's not best for everyone, and your baby is no better off. I hope we don't have any of those activists in here that make you feel like you HAVE to bf, but we think it's great that the dads can give bottles in the middle of the night and moms can feel free to go out and get some alone time and not be attached at the breast to their baby.." Keep in mind again that I am sitting, literally, about 3 feet away, in the front of the room, nursing away.

I was humiliated . And furious. And I did nothing. I just sat there until he finished talking and DD was done nursing and we promptly left, and I bawled in the car on the way home. I never said anything to anyone, never complained, never went back (obviously!), but to this day it smarts. And I feel terribly that I didn't speak up for the soon-to-be moms in that room and try to set this guy straight

Sorry this is so long, but what should I have done? Or heck, just hugs for still feeling so lousy about that after all these years would be nice.

[uumomma]

wow.
i am so sorry that you felt so bad.
he was an a$$ no doubt.
but... i thibnk that he prolly gave the "you dont have to bf" to all new parents
and i know that i am supper sensitive in the weeks after having a baby

also...one way you can let this go...(and you need to let this go...)

is to write out the words, use a pencil, and then burn the paper...
that has worked for me in the past.

[Girlprof]

Hugs. Here's something you can do right now. Forgive yourself. You were less than two weeks post partum? With a babe who came early? Heck, be proud you were nursing your own baby and doing so well with it! I didn't NIP for weeks the first time around.

We don't have to be perfect breastfeeding activists all the time. A mom with such a new baby has no requirements at all beyond taking care of herself and her baby.

The doc was a doofus, that's for sure. Ill-informed. But he may not have been addressing you in particular. It's not your job to save every other mom in the world from whacked out doctors, especially when your own baby is so little.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. What should you have done differently? Nothing, I think. That was not the practice for you and you figured it out.

[Claire and Boys]

ITA with this. The only thing I would have done is written to the Drs afterwards and written a complaint. What he said was SO, so wrong.

Originally Posted by Girlprof

Hugs. Here's something you can do right now. Forgive yourself. You were less than two weeks post partum? With a babe who came early? Heck, be proud you were nursing your own baby and doing so well with it! I didn't NIP for weeks the first time around.

We don't have to be perfect breastfeeding activists all the time. A mom with such a new baby has no requirements at all beyond taking care of herself and her baby.

The doc was a doofus, that's for sure. Ill-informed. But he may not have been addressing you in particular. It's not your job to save every other mom in the world from whacked out doctors, especially when your own baby is so little.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. What should you have done differently? Nothing, I think. That was not the practice for you and you figured it out.

[columbusmomma]

What a jerk!
Makes me want to come out there and organize a nurse-in in front of the office! 2 YEARS LATER!

[kiwiva]

Wow, that is unbelievable. What an ignorant doc. How obnoxious! At 2 wks pp you did exactly what many of us would do, just sit there (and continue nursing!) and be shocked. Please forgive yourself for not speaking up. Seriously, I am sure most moms would be too uncomfortable to speak up to him in that situation. Frankly, the fact that he was that obnoxious with you nursing right there in front of him may have sent a message to some of those moms who were there that there was something wrong with what he was saying (under the principal of "thou dost protest too much!"). Your baby is no better off? Crazy talk!

I find that when I have one of those things I keep going back to that still upset me a long time after, it helps me to really try to concentrate on visualizing the feeling like a photo, then ripping it up in my mind and see the pieces floating down a river and away. It's not an instant fix but it can work eventually for me. The suggestion of getting it down on paper and burning it (or shredding it) is a good one too. Or perhaps if you can visualize standing up to him now (in your mind), that could help give you some closure.

[Smokering]

I think you did pretty well not to stop nursing! Post-partum is not the time women should have to make statements and stands and declarations; they have more important things to do, like forming good nursing relationships with their babies! Which is what you were doing. That doctor was ignorant and extremely offensive, and you can be mad at him all you like--but don't be mad at you!

[FullMetalMom]

That really sucks.

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by heather8

Sorry this is so long, but what should I have done? Or heck, just hugs for still feeling so lousy about that after all these years would be nice.

s

Don't beat yourself up about it!!! I can't imagine how hard that must of been for you and yes, I would have felt like he was saying it directly to me and about me too. You were VERY brave to keep nursing in front of him and in front of the whole room. At two weeks postpartum I was like a walking bruise!!! I probably would have started bawling right there in front of everyone.

The question is, what can you still do?

I think you could write a letter describing this situation and how it made you feel as a newly nursing mama. Include all the great evidence based information you have available (provide links maybe, photocopy some of it if it's going snail mail) and tell that doc how what he said would probably discourage other mamas from BF and basically make them think it's an equal choice - which we know it isn't!!!

Are you still going to this doc?

Don't feel bad, he's probably giving out this same speech to everyone that goes in there now. If you write a letter, maybe he'll think twice before he does again!

Lizette

[sarahtdubb]

Forgive yourself, Mama! Really, I think I would have reacted the same way you did--ESPECIALLY 2 weeks postpartum. it's one of those scenarios that you think about and have all these great empowering things to say, but then in real life it's hard to know what to do! I definitely would have cried!

The important thing is that you kept nursing your baby, and even if you felt self conscious, you were being a great example for those pregnant ladies in the room. who knows---maybe one of them was inspired to see you BFing despite the crazy doctor and she resolved to do it, too. Because really, people just need to see that breastfeeding is NORMAL--- I'm sure theres part of you that wishes you'd stood up and made a speech, but just sitting there nursing your babe was also an act of activism!

[G8P4]

You are awesome and you don't have to apologize and do anything about this. BUT, I know that a letter from you to that doctor, written exactly as you have writting this post to us, would have impact, possibly great impact.

Hugs!

[Mosaic]

Aw, thanks ladies! You're right that in my pp state, I was likely a wee bit more sensitive than I would usually be, which is probably a big part of the reason why the event burned itself on my brain so. That said, I was entirely incapable of doing anything, so it's a nice thought to consider my inaction a form of "activism"!

I haven't even looked at that office since then, but I think I'll check 'em out online and see if that doctor is still there. He was definitely older, but not so old that I could give him a pass for his comment; but I can still hope that he has retired since then! If he's still around, I'll definitely consider drafting a letter and encouraging them to be more supportive of nursing mothers.

Thanks, ladies! I feel sooooo much better now.