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I'm too tired, bitter, cynical and unsupported to fix this...

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
So, I'm mad at Dh.I'm mad that he has let me down every time I need him since comming home from the ER from our loss last December.I'm mad at him for stupid, but hurtful stuff like smashing my feet or legs as he climbs out of bed, or not noticing he's using his hand on my belly or arm or leg to push on to get up.It's lame,but he's a grown man, and it hurts.It hurts physically, but more emotionally,as if I were the arm of the sofa,there for his convenience.I'm mad at him for not listening to me, after I painstakingly hear his every word and make an effort to make relevant comments-When I could care less.Because it's relevant TO HIM.I'm mad and hurt because 3 times this weekend I tried to tell him about some of my concerns and once he didn't hear me cos the tv was on-a commercial,and one time he litterally walked downstairs.As I was talking.I'm mad at him for expecting me to clear the table and do the dishes after I fix dinner,as he watches tv, ignoring the kids, so as I'm cleaning I have to stop to address them.I'm mad that the kids know this, and don't even go to him anymore.I'm mad that he answers when the kids say "mom" but not when they say "dad".I'm mad that I NEVER get to just sit and watch tv or a movie, and he gets mad and yells at the kids if he puts in a movie in the family room where all the toys are,in the daytime.I'm mad that he is SO oblivious to all of this!I'm mad that on weekends I have to get up and fix breakfast,and clean it up.I'm mad that if HE wants something it's important, but if I need something I have to find a way to fit it in or make it work or do without.I'm mad that he pees and moans about every sniffle and ache,so that I feel guilty mentioning any discomfort,or unease.I'm mad that he is fine with living in filth.I'm mad that he doesn't even mow the lawn.I'm mad that he's so nonchalant about paying the bills on time,and when he does it consists of writing checks and mailing them.He never looks at the account, never budgets, and acts like a confused 4 yr old if things don't balance out.I'm mad that I can count on any one of our kids more than I can count on him.I'm mad that he get's a kick out of being a bad example to our kids,when he knows I make a great effort to provide a healthy,wholesome environment for them,ESPECIALLY in our home!I'm mad that he looks at me for confirmation on any decision.I'm mad that he treats me like I should mother him,not wife,not friend,mother.Unless he wants intimacy,then he pouts if that doesn't work for me.

I'm mad that if I did bring any of this up, I'll feel petty and whiney.I'm mad that there's an 85% chance he won't hear me.I'm mad that if he did, it wouldn't change anything unless I initiate it myself.Which means, again, I'm bending and he sits there as ever, unchanged and oblivious.

I'm also mad that all of this will effect the quality of birth of our baby.He has no right to wield so much power and be so unaccountable!

And I'm mad that I've bawled my eyes out through this whole post.
post #2 of 27
post #3 of 27
: i don't know what to say, other than i am so sorry you are dealing with this, now of all times. it enormously unfair. im angry for you. could you print your post out and give it to him? or email it to him? i don't know, it seems like he should at least be told that he's making your life miserable. :
post #4 of 27


: Mama I am so sorry. This is the last thing you need, and I think that you owe it to yourself and this baby to make him see the truth. Write him a letter, send him an email... something to try to get his attention.
post #5 of 27


I am angry for you. I wish you could show him your post. When my husband and I were going through similar issues I had to use email. Turns out he was depressed, and medication helped. But in the end he just had a huge attitude adjustment, not sure why. But I'm glad, things improved.

You must be heard. It's even more frustrating to be going through this silently. :

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
post #6 of 27
Major

I had a bit of a melt down on Sunday, read in the Kitchen Table thread if you are interested. I have a hard time confronting dh about things and then it tends to "blow up". Many times I feel that I am doing everything and I am making a mental checklist. My side has a lot more than his.

I understand your frustration, just wish I had something to make it all better.
post #7 of 27
post #8 of 27
i think were married to the same man.
post #9 of 27
post #10 of 27
So sorry mama, I understand, as I feel this way at dp sometimes, and I get even further fustrated that she as a woman should understand more than a man. I hope ds shapes up soon.
post #11 of 27
I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I couldn't read and not at least say that I'm so sorry you're going through this & feeling this way, especially right now I hope things improve somehow, SOON!
post #12 of 27
post #13 of 27
post #14 of 27
Oh, big hugs. My DH sometimes does some of these things, and *sometimes* I don't say anything, but if it is making you this miserable, stand up and say something. Even if you feel like it won't change anything -- it will make you feel better. Sounds like you need to have a serious, serious talk. No TV, no distractions, just you and him in a quiet room. The walking away during a conversation thing totally drives me insane and I finally had to let him know how I felt about that one (while crying, of course, I always cry).

post #15 of 27
it could be me that writes the same thing. sorry you are going through this.

love and blessings
angie
post #16 of 27
Just a big for you.
I hope you can communicate this to him so you can at least start down the path of making it better.
post #17 of 27
s s s

Me and DH have to have little "resets" every now and then. He starts taking his family for granted and slacking off, spending waaaaaayyy too much time with whatever "hobby" (actually obsession) he's into and neglecting us (right now it's an MMORPG ... then I have to write him an email to let him know he's on thin ice and what he better do to fix it... and if that doesn't work, the meltdown occurs. Then the damage control. Then the honeymoon. Then we cycle again, usually with a new obsession to kill. So lucky it's not a cycle of violence, just a cycle of laziness, but it still annoying it even has to happen in the first place! :::

I'm sorry you're dealing with this! s s s
Try writing a letter? Give it to him before leaving on an errand with the kids, letting him know you'll be right back. Then he can read it with full concentration, can't inturrupt it or stop reading it to argue with you, and he'll have time to consider it while you're gone. My DH doesn't like to discuss the letter after, he just starts changing his behavior, making little steps, on his own. And out of respect I don't mention it either (and also I'm afraid mentioning it will ruin it. Like when you tell someone your kid is potty trained now, and he immediately has an accident!)
post #18 of 27
Mamma I hope through writing here you can get some relief. I hope you use our empathy as strength so you can talk to your DH. If you don't talk to him, he's sure to never change.
post #19 of 27
I would try to squeeze a million hugs into this reply box for you if I could. I will be hoping that the universe sends you some serenity, mama...you and your family will be in my thoughts. I wish that I had something more insightful to say, but please just know that I hope you and your DH can reach a place of mutual understanding, love, and peace.
post #20 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sioko View Post
s s s

Me and DH have to have little "resets" every now and then. He starts taking his family for granted and slacking off, spending waaaaaayyy too much time with whatever "hobby" (actually obsession) he's into and neglecting us (right now it's an MMORPG ... then I have to write him an email to let him know he's on thin ice and what he better do to fix it... and if that doesn't work, the meltdown occurs. Then the damage control. Then the honeymoon. Then we cycle again, usually with a new obsession to kill. So lucky it's not a cycle of violence, just a cycle of laziness, but it still annoying it even has to happen in the first place!
This is very similar to our relationship. Generally though my DH doesn't need the meltdown to occur (though sometimes)... he can usually tell by my mood and by me reminding him, that he needs to pay more attention to me/us.

Sometimes, though, some guys are so... unaware... that they need you to SPELL IT OUT FOR THEM! It's like, um, hello, are you there? And are you my husband or what?

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