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I babysat ONE time and now my friend wants me to do it ALL the time - Page 2

post #21 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by mytwogirls View Post
Well she emailed me this morning from work and she does sound kinda pissed. She said she wished I would have been more up front with her about this and not leading her on. HUH?: She said I led her on to think this would potentially be a permanent thing because I said I would LOVE to have him for a day. Ummmm, would that lead you to believe I would want to watch your child for eternity by saying that? I have not replied because frankly I don't have time and I don't know how to word it politely without saying she is nuts (ok, not really nuts) She however apologize for not returning my call if that makes any sense at all. Geez, I try and try to be nice to people.......
oh for heaven's sake-that's ridiculous! She really put you in an awkward position, and she's being led on?? I would send her an email clarifying things, just for your own sake.
post #22 of 40
I'd keep my response really short and try not to engage her in a debate over what everyone's true intentions were. I'd say something generic like, "It sounds like there may have been a misunderstanding about long-term plans -- I'm glad that I was able to help out in an emergency situation. Have a good weekend!" and leave it at that.

You don't say who misunderstood, you acknowledge that hello, you were helping her out (amazing that she's being so ungrateful about this), and then you close the subject swiftly and don't take it on as some giant deal, because it's not if you guys don't make it one.
post #23 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I'd keep my response really short and try not to engage her in a debate over what everyone's true intentions were.
ITA with this. And I think when you decide to SAH it's a given that people are going to ask you to watch their kids. Joey was maybe a month old when I got asked to watch my girlfriend's two toddlers for a day. I agreed, and suddenly I was everybody's babysitter. I don't really blame them (I am awesome, after all. ) but I did find myself having to set some serious limits after a while.
post #24 of 40
I think you handled the situation perfectly. I think if you just give her time to cool off things will be back to normal after a while.

Don't feel guilty! You are a SAHM for your family, not hers. I was asked to watch another family's son and you know what DH said? I work hard so that you can stay home with our kids - not A's. Very good point.
post #25 of 40
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by VOBetz View Post
I think you handled the situation perfectly. I think if you just give her time to cool off things will be back to normal after a while.

Don't feel guilty! You are a SAHM for your family, not hers. I was asked to watch another family's son and you know what DH said? I work hard so that you can stay home with our kids - not A's. Very good point.
That is VERY good. I didn't think of it that way. I know I would be a bear to be around if I had to do it all the time and DH would not appreciate it I know that for sure.
post #26 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola View Post
Wow!

I would say something really simple like, "I'm sorry you got the impression that this would be a permanent thing. I was willing to help out because you needed me for that day, but I don't have the energy or inclination to take on a paying daycare job at this point in my life." It's really a different thing, and other people's children, even if they are related to you, change the dynamic of your life.
this is really good! you can add that you did love having him for one day. one day is very different than everyday, or even many days, and still different than TWO days.
post #27 of 40
I think she's out of line. Just because you would LOVE to have him one day, doesn't mean you would LOVE to readjust your life to take care of him everyday. I'm sad for her that she isn't happy with her daycare situation, but that isn't your responsibility. Just like if she called you and said she wasn't happy with her job it wouldn't be your responsibility to find her a new one.

Hopefully it will blow over. I had to make a similar decision not too long ago, but our friendship remained intact.
post #28 of 40
It must have been a situation like this that inspired the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Sigh. Sorry that your friend acted that way.

When I left my job to be home full time, I did get asked to watch other's children many times. I am happy to help out in an emergency, but like others, I have found that it really limits what I can do if I am caring for more kids.

I also learned that when I was able to help someone out, I seemed to end up on her "list" to be asked repeatedly. I think it might be only natural to ask the person who has helped you in the past. So it ended up that when I did help, I got asked even more often. I don't know if that makes sense or not. So I have learned to set firmer boundaries about helping.
post #29 of 40
So sorry you friend acted that way!! I think you handled it well. Besides, reading your OP, I might come over and get daycare from you one day! LOL

Yes its a compliment to those of us where the kids from other families thrive but that dosent mean doing it each and everyday would be a good fit. I always get mad when people think that because I am home w my girls that means I am open to full time babysitting or want to do it or need to do it for "extra money". None of the above apply, but I have at least once a month a parent calling me for last minute emergency after school or for a few hours. But that is usually another sah parent who needs to suddenly pick up a sick kid at school or a quick Dr appt etc. That I dont have an issue with and no one has said anything mean when I say no.

OTH, I think this parent is stuggling to find a good place for her son and wants so bad for something like this to work out- I cannot blame her for wanting that, your situation sounds like you have an excellent environment for your family. But I differ in her approach!
post #30 of 40
Thread Starter 
My friend is coming over this afternoon so our kids can play and her son can ride one of our horses. I kinda have mixed feeling about it because I just know the topic will rise up again, but I will be ready thanks to the many responses. I do feel badly for her as daycare must suck from all that I hear about from her, but like you all said, it is not my problem to fix. I guess that is the "RN" in me, always wanting to "fix" everyone
post #31 of 40
Ah Mama, you were honest about what your could (or in this case, could NOT) do and that's ok. I TOTALLY get why you wouldn't want to and I've always admired Moms who were all too willing to take in youngsters and sometimes wished I was one of them but, well, I'm not.

When my friend and I had onlies, we used to take turns once per week trading the babysitting. It gave us each a morning off. Then, when she had her second she didn't feel capable of babysitting for a time which I totally understood. She offered to pay me for that one day a week with her toddler and I accepted. One day a week, I could do that, and the occasional emergency drop off was ok too. I too envisioned raising MY child and didn't feel comfortable with an arrangement that included more than 4 or 5 hours, once per week. Funny, I've had people tell me I'd be a great daycare provider and have asked if I had an interest. I had to decline. For all my "talent" for it, and love of children, I just didn't desire it, yk? We could have really used the money, but I strongly believe a daycare provider (no matter how many or how little children) needs to really want to be doing it. I liked it a lot... one day a week. Anymore and I know it wouldn't have been a good fit.

It sounds like you offered up services to her in an emergency and that has to be of comfort to her. I agree for her to assume that you were willing to take on her DS full time was a BIG stretch, but of course do understand why she'd have loved that for her DS. Your home sounds a loving and caring environment, mama.

The best,
Em
post #32 of 40
I think you handled that really well, and your friend was out of line for jumping to those conclusions. I hope she was only temporarily disgruntled and sulky, but for Pete's sake, she shouldn't be sulky to begin with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Staciemao View Post
ITA with this. And I think when you decide to SAH it's a given that people are going to ask you to watch their kids. Joey was maybe a month old when I got asked to watch my girlfriend's two toddlers for a day. I agreed, and suddenly I was everybody's babysitter. I don't really blame them (I am awesome, after all. ) but I did find myself having to set some serious limits after a while.
Really? During the years I stayed home, it didn't happen to me once.
post #33 of 40
Before I had my first, and then when she was a baby I attended a lot of local AP groups. I heard mothers sometimes mention that "when you're the SAHM, all the kids end up in your yard" and I couldn't quite understand why, or whether they were just exaggerating, but now my oldest is 6.5 and I have a toddler and I can see what they mean. The kids always end up in our yard. it is enough that we are moving away to a house secluded by trees! I am the only local FT mom in my group of friends and I worry about the attitude that 'well she's home all the time, ask her". I really have no interest in looking after other children, I feel totally filled up caring for and educating my two - I could not handle even one more child except maybe for an occasional "playdate" but that's it. I can totally understand why your friend wanted you, because it sounds like the care you could provide is exemplary! What I think is hard for WOH Ps to understand is that it isn't anything like just going through our regular day, with an extra kid or two happening to be there too. I have had astonished looks when I have told friends I could not be their day care even for the money they are paying for daycare now - the few bucks an hour is not worth it, not by a long shot. It wouldn't be at all like simply having extra money for doing what I do anyway. I would have to get up hours earlier than we already do, I would never be able to go out during "work" hours for lack of car seats, I would be homebound during that time and what kind of life is that for my kids? Not to mention, I feel maxed out by my two so I would be exhausted and desperate for a break by the time my husband came home and it is stressful enough dividing chores and parenting tasks as it is.

I believe ironically that another mom can provide the best care. I suppose there are not many of us who could really handle it though (certainly not me!). I hope that after we move I can meet more fellow SAHMs so I won't always have to worry about being the pinch hitter since I am "always home anyway". I'd like to just have friends I don't always have to turn down. I feel really guilty about it too.

Sometimes I also wonder if maybe it would be different if caring for children paid a market, living wage. For instance, if a friend needs to go to work, she would need to pay me *much less* than she herself is making in order for it to be worth her while to go to work and that bothers me too.
post #34 of 40
Sorry your friend is being a little unreasonable. Ive had this problem with a few people.. Funny thing is the people I have had a problem with were also SAHMs who just wanted some time to do something.. Well one time turned into two, turned into three, etc. I finally had to stop agreeing to babysit. Now there are very few people I will babysit for and only if it doesn't interfere with my plans or with family time (DH isn't off very much so family time is just for the three of us).
DH and I have discused me doing daycare but I decided not to because I don't want to divide my time with my child (soon to be children) and someone elses. Im at home to benefit my babies not help with someone elses.
post #35 of 40
Thread Starter 
My DH and I talked about this weekend and we both just thought it would in a perfect world be nice to be able to help out friends who needed it. But, since I don't live in a perfect world (LONG ways away!) I can't do it. When my friend was over that day I brought up the issue because I knew she would not and I told her how much I did enjoy her son (I really do) but I told her to put herself in my shoes. How would she like to be homebound ALL day, running after THREE toddlers, trying to clean, cook, and take care of everything. She agreed and apologized. I felt really bad for the little guy, he went kicking and screaming home I do feel better about my decision, I just wish I could out more mamas, but not possible. I would not a good person to be around if I had to do that all the time
post #36 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by mytwogirls View Post
My DH and I talked about this weekend and we both just thought it would in a perfect world be nice to be able to help out friends who needed it. But, since I don't live in a perfect world (LONG ways away!) I can't do it. When my friend was over that day I brought up the issue because I knew she would not and I told her how much I did enjoy her son (I really do) but I told her to put herself in my shoes. How would she like to be homebound ALL day, running after THREE toddlers, trying to clean, cook, and take care of everything. She agreed and apologized. I felt really bad for the little guy, he went kicking and screaming home I do feel better about my decision, I just wish I could out more mamas, but not possible. I would not a good person to be around if I had to do that all the time
I'm glad you guys smoothed things over, and that it sounds like she realizes that she was being unreasonable. I think it's important to make the distinction that you're a SAHM because that's what you want to be -- if you wanted to be a working mom (which is what you'd become if you took on full-time daycare duties), you would be!
post #37 of 40
Quote:
My DH and I talked about this weekend and we both just thought it would in a perfect world be nice to be able to help out friends who needed it. But, since I don't live in a perfect world (LONG ways away!) I can't do it. When my friend was over that day I brought up the issue because I knew she would not and I told her how much I did enjoy her son (I really do) but I told her to put herself in my shoes. How would she like to be homebound ALL day, running after THREE toddlers, trying to clean, cook, and take care of everything. She agreed and apologized. I felt really bad for the little guy, he went kicking and screaming home I do feel better about my decision, I just wish I could out more mamas, but not possible. I would not a good person to be around if I had to do that all the time
:

I too wish I could help out more as well, but I know my limits. It is too bad, because I am the only person any of my friends know who is around and I do feel terrible saying no but for all the reasons you mentioned, I have to.
post #38 of 40
She's unhappy and projecting her wants/needs on to you. I hope she doesn't cause this to happen again.
post #39 of 40
Sorry that happened, but you handled it well!

Before I had Rowan I thought it'd be no big deal to have a daycare baby or two as well, in order to make money from home. Since she was born and I've been taking care of her full time, I realise it would indeed be a BIG DEAL! So I can see how if your friend has never SAHMed, she might think 'one extra's no hassle'. But yup... it is.
post #40 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by mytwogirls View Post
My DH and I talked about this weekend and we both just thought it would in a perfect world be nice to be able to help out friends who needed it. But, since I don't live in a perfect world (LONG ways away!) I can't do it. When my friend was over that day I brought up the issue because I knew she would not and I told her how much I did enjoy her son (I really do) but I told her to put herself in my shoes. How would she like to be homebound ALL day, running after THREE toddlers, trying to clean, cook, and take care of everything. She agreed and apologized. I felt really bad for the little guy, he went kicking and screaming home I do feel better about my decision, I just wish I could out more mamas, but not possible. I would not a good person to be around if I had to do that all the time
I am glad this worked out and I think you handled it very well. It was very big of you to bring it up face to face and explain, even though you really didnt owe an explanation.

I agree also w the pp, if you wanted full time work, you would not be home w your kids and an extra child along is a lot of work!

As far as the SAHparent and the yard is full- that is me a lot of days. But I wanted it that way. We purposely bought this home in this neighborhood so we could be the "hang out". We bought second hand, a huge swingset play system and the bsmt is full of great fun things to do for anyone under age 8. Actually, I have seen the older ones having fun down there too! I want to know the families my family is friends with. I want to see them so when they are older they have no issues coming over to our house. We also have room to entertain large amounts of people on the main floor or the patio which we have done several times. One of my friends down the street joked I was the "Kool Aid lady". My DH pointed out to her, Amy would NEVER serve Kool Aid!!
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