Advice With "Good Intentions" - Page 2

[EBeth0000]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

So many people talk about “surrendering” to labor. “Giving up & letting go of control.” I never felt like it was like that. How can I “surrender” to myself?! That just doesn’t make sense to me. “Give in & surrender” to me means to let go of something outside myself. Giving in to my uterus (in order to “get out of the way” & let the uterus do it’s job of opening the cervix) is not a “surrender” in my view. That is just working with my body… just like in any athletic event.

I think my Bradley teacher thought my desire to be in control of my own body would be detrimental. But I didn’t find it to be conflicting with labor at all- both philosophically and while I was in labor. My “job” was to stay as physically and mentally relaxed as possible during 1st stage. I had a job to do while my uterus did it’s job. There was no ‘surrendering' - it was cooperative.

Ditto most of what you said in your post--and I also wanted to add. . .

I'm not disagreeing, really, just agreeing in a different way

I am a distance runner and a yoga practitioner as well. I think we get hung up on the phrase "surrender" as well. I think what you describe above can be a good way to think about it for those of us who desire to be "in control" of our bodies. I agree that thinking about it like I have a job, my uterus is working, too, let's work together. . .is a great one.

But I just wanted to say that surrender doesn't mean losing control per se--for example,

In a yoga pose that is very intense--physically and even emotionally, if you just "surrendered" control of your body you would lose the pose, and fall out of the moment of practice. But if you "surrender" into the stretch, into the feelings of intensity and perhaps release the emotions the pose brings up within you, you are actually maintaining control of your muscle groups but, as you say, working WITH your body to release. . .this is what it is like in labor. You don't just surrender to your uterus and say, do whatever you want there, it's more like surrendering into the scary place of pain to realize that the feelings of intensity are there for a reason and you can work with them.

Or using running, it's like when you are working hills--truly surrender would be to stop running and walk up them, but instead you focus on your breathing, focus on putting one foot in front of the other, return to your form making sure it's utilizing your energy to the max, and maintaining your focus on your goal. You surrender to the difficulty of making it up the hill--you surrender to the feeling that your chest is going to explode and your legs fall off But you don't surrender to the hill. does that make sense? I dunno, just thought it was a slightly different way of looking at the word "surrender" But if it bothers you or gets in the way of your birthing by all means, create a vocabulary that supports you!

[Cherry Alive]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

I have told this story before, but one of DH's cousins blindsided me at our baby shower with her own birth horror story when she heard we were doing the Bradley Method instead of planning for medication right off the bat. I can't imagine how she would have reacted if she'd heard our plans for a homebirth!

Some women have horribly traumatic births and may believe, in a very misguided way, that they're helping you by sharing their story. Really though it seems that sharing their story with a pregnant woman is more cathartic for them than for you. You aren't their therapist and there's no way of knowing what your birth will be like, so why are they trying to share the misery? The road to hell and all that...

When someone attempts to color your experience with their own trauma, remind yourself of their possible motives and then brush it off as well as you can. I hope you won't be chatting with your yoga teacher about birth anymore.

Thank you for the input. I didn't think of it that way.

I *do* plan on talking about my birth to my Yoga teacher, but only *after* it happens.

I actually got the sense from her that if things go well for me she'll be very interested in hearing about it and want to know how I got there. I know that sounds really contradictory to what I've said about her earlier, but it's just a feeling that while she doesn't want me to get "hurt" she's also open-minded.

I could be wrong, though.

In a couple weeks, I'm going to a meeting with my local LLL group. I'm hoping to get to meet some other natural-minded mammas in the flesh so I continue to establish a good support unit and make some more friends.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by EBeth0000

But you don't surrender to the hill. does that make sense?

Yup. I totally get what you are saying.
Ha - But I still think "surrender" is the wrong word for what you describe. But maybe I just am too hung-up on a notion of surrender in the military sense.

"create a vocabulary that supports you!"

Cool way of putting it! I think how we frame things in our mind is important. Even if we're talking about the same actions, the images & concepts in our mind shape our perception of that action.

For example, when I was majorly freaked out about birthing in a hospital (even though I'd done all I could to be sure I had REALLY picked a natural CB friendly hospital & MWs). One lady wrote to me that she thought of her hospital room as her hotel room where she took up residence temporarily. When anyone walked in, they were a visitor in her space & she greeted them with a "can I help you?" view.

I LOVED this concept & it really made me feel better about being hospitalized.

[Ruthla]

When I was in labor, I would just take things one contraction at a time. It didn't matter whether the contractions lasted 30 seconds or 2 minutes, or if I had 10 minutes or 20 seconds between them. I just focused on one contraction at a time. Transition wasn't really any different from the rest of labor- yeah the contractions were more intense, longer, and closer together, but when you're taking things one contraction at a time, I didn't really notice the difference. I was in "laborland" and totally focused on my body and really didn't mind the pain so much.

The first 2 contractions of my first labor were the hardest, as I hadn't gotten into that frame of mind yet. But by the 3rd contraction, I was in a groove. With my next two labors, I didn't have those first two contractions where I was scared out of my wits and not focused inward yet- the entire labors went smoothly (at least from a "handling the contractions" perspective. There were still other stressors such as what to do with DC, why isn't DH home yet, why did he open the living room blinds when I want to pace around the living room naked and all our neighbors are on our front porch, no DD1 I don't want to nurse you while I'm pushing, etc.)

I think you'll do fine. You don't need to worry about "OMG, how am I going to handle hours and hours of this????" Just take things a minute at a time.

Your yoga teacher had her experience with labor and that's valid. However, your labor doesn't have to be like hers, and it very likely will be different since you're approaching it with a different frame of mind. It's OK if your labor lasts longer than 24 hours- I was in labor about 3 days with DD1, about 30 hours of "intense labor" and I only panicked the first half hour or so of the more intense part. It was only later that I looked back on my experience and realized how long it had been, and how likely labor would have been messed with had I been laboring in a hospital.

Yeah, there are no guarantees that your birth will go smoothly, and you may end up with a c/s. But you don't need to worry about that now. You approach labor with the idea that you'll work with your body and focus on each contraction as it comes; trust that you'll know if something's "wrong" and you need to be in a hospital, so you can relax when your gut tells you everything is fine. And if intervention is needed, you'll know it at the time and face it then, knowing that it's truly needed and you did everything in your power to make your birth peaceful.

[cottonwood]

Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma

She said that she has some important advice—and that was not to let things go on too long. She said her labor was 24 hours long with 3 hours of pushing. If she had to do it over again, she'd have just asked to have the hospital to "cut it out." [...] I've been getting some negative vibes from women who haven't experienced it (especially certain relatives), and act like I'm super naive to even expect this. My yoga teacher didn't give me that vibe, but hearing her advice has sort of made me wonder.

My first labor was 56 hours with four final hours of excruciating back labor and two hours of all-out pushing. I decided that when I did it again I'd dispense with the time limits, the augmentation, the bossy birth attendant, the vaginal exams, the eye contact, the coached pushing on my back, etc. No need to "cut it out" to avoid the trauma (as if there's no possible trauma with c-sections) -- avoiding managed labor was all that was needed.

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by Turquesa

Your yoga instructor was expressing her reality, not yours. Remember this when you encounter other nay-sayers.

Yes, that is her reality. I would concentrate on remembering that. I've met enough women who have done natural births including their first...including myself.

You prepare for everything mentally, and you know that you are strong. When birth happens then your body will work and your birth will unfold the way it is meant to.

[Jojo F.]

I don't mean to sound snarky in ANY way but....

24 hours with 3 of pushing?! That's it?!

Personally, this is the type of "support" we get in our day and age, no wonder so many women are terrified of giving birth and expect it to be the most horrible, painful, g*d awful experience ever. Kind of makes me sad that this is their idea of support and advice

We are totally capable of having a wonderful labor. Yes, there are the few times that a surgeon is necessary but more often then not they are not needed.

Like OPs have said she, projected her reality and fear onto you but realize that this is not how your birth and labor will go I'm a firm believer in being well prepared and positive thinking

[alexsam]

This is the begining. I'm not saying this to be negative, but this is the begining of what happens ALL THOUGHOUT parenthood. It starts with the scary birth stories or people "recommending" things (they may have good intentions and mean things in the best possible way, but it is not helpful). When you have an infant, there will be a slew of people with comments- quite literally people on the street "Take some blankets off her!", "Never wake a sleeping baby!", "She sould be wearing a hat because all the heat goes out the head!", "How can you let her sit in a shopping cart? They are so dirty!", and everything you can think of pretty much. It follows into toddlerhood, kids, on and on. There will be people you love who will give you well meaning advice that you could never, ever imagine taking. There will be people who you think are on the total same page as you and you think you have found a kindred spirit until they totally surprise you by believing in something totally different that might even shock or anger you. There will be people where it is best to smile, thank them and say something polite and do your own thing and there will be people who you may have to distance yourself from because you find you can't be polite. And then there will be people who surprise you with EXCELLENT advice where you didn't think you would get it.

My "long term" advice is to try to use this experience as a way of finding out how to listen to others, evaluate their advice, find if there is anything you feel has truth to it, take that and discard the rest without stressing over it. It is hard. Real hard. But this will crop up again and again and finding your own way and confidence as a mother is essential.

[Jojo F.]

Originally Posted by alexsam

This is the begining. I'm not saying this to be negative, but this is the begining of what happens ALL THOUGHOUT parenthood. It starts with the scary birth stories or people "recommending" things (they may have good intentions and mean things in the best possible way, but it is not helpful). When you have an infant, there will be a slew of people with comments- quite literally people on the street "Take some blankets off her!", "Never wake a sleeping baby!", "She sould be wearing a hat because all the heat goes out the head!", "How can you let her sit in a shopping cart? They are so dirty!", and everything you can think of pretty much. It follows into toddlerhood, kids, on and on. There will be people you love who will give you well meaning advice that you could never, ever imagine taking. There will be people who you think are on the total same page as you and you think you have found a kindred spirit until they totally surprise you by believing in something totally different that might even shock or anger you. There will be people where it is best to smile, thank them and say something polite and do your own thing and there will be people who you may have to distance yourself from because you find you can't be polite. And then there will be people who surprise you with EXCELLENT advice where you didn't think you would get it.

: EXACTLY!!!!