16 year olds and curfews - Page 2

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by kennedy444

I still live by the old saying, "Nothing good ever happens after midnight."

So, no, I don't think my teen needs to be out later than that.

Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything. :

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything. :

Amen to that. I had some great times after midnight as a teen. Its like your the only people out there cause its so easy to find a place that's completely deserted.

[Oriole]

About couple of months ago dsd and her bf were talking about this in regards to their future kids. He was saying there is nothing wrong with allowing them to be out late at night, and her point was "are you crazy, don't you watch local news? it's unsafe!" kind of attitude. Funny enough, I can't really recall a discussion on this subject in our house. So... While we don't have a curfew per se, I really can't think of the time she came home past 11.

We discuss things on a case by case basis. Movies - sure, do you need a ride? Friends house - sure, let's just get friends' contact information first. If she wanted to go to a party that ran until 1, and was really fun, and included people we knew and trusted, then maybe okay... Other than that - I can't really imagine her at the park past midnight. Somehow I think it's mutually agreed upon - it's not her cup of tea, and it's not something we would say okay to.

In general, I am not opposed to having set rules, as long as they are discussed and reasoning behind them is clear. I think every child is different, every living situation and neighborhood is different, and therefore people are bound to have different outlooks and rules for what fits their particular case.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything. :

We used to go play on the jungle gyms and swing at about 3am. Really good memories.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Dar

There are, but we consider ignoring them to be a matter of civil disobediance - laws that discrimate by age are one of my pet peeves. Rain also has two college IDs and looks 18 easily, so practically speaking she's unlikely to be arrested for violating curfew.



Dar

Originally Posted by mtiger

Wow.

Dar wasn't talking about fake IDs. Her daughter is enrolled in community college classes, and has legitimate IDs from them.

[Dar]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Dar wasn't talking about fake IDs. Her daughter is enrolled in community college classes, and has legitimate IDs from them.

Oh. Thanks. The idea that they were fake apparently went right over my head... yeah, she has real, valid college IDs.

Dar

[mtiger]

Their validity won't help her much if the cops show up at one of the parties she's at. She'd still get an MIP or MIC.

[mamato3cherubs]

I havent read all replies, but Im one to say the cerfews you already have set seem perfectly appropriate to me.

She should be aware that reaspecting the law is also important, and know that there are true consequences for underage drinking and being out past legal cerfew. In my state it is midnight until age 18. I see no reason to be out past that at 16.
I understand your thing about her responsible behavior and not having a true reason to deny her request, but she should have respect for you as well.

She shouldnt be asking you to stay up all night until she feels like calling for a ride. She should expect you to give her your full blessing to break the law either. Maybe you should try talking to her about that as well. If she is really the good kid you say, she should be open to your feelings if you explain it along those lines.

and mostly you need to go with your gut. If you want to keep the cerfew, you should

just my two cents

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Their validity won't help her much if the cops show up at one of the parties she's at. She'd still get an MIP or MIC.

Because we all know the only thing teenagers do when they go out at night is party.

[Buddhamom]

Wow. I am glad I am not in your shoes. My 16 yr old (17 next month) has no problem with her 11:00 curfew, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and in fact wouldn't hangout with anyone who does. Yes, she is popular, in sports and student govt. None of her friends do either. In fact as we speak she is down stairs with her boyfriend baking. Maybe it is because we live in a small town (1200) or better yet I probably just got lucky. Have you ever asked her why she drinks? As for curfew, you need to remember, you are the parent, not her friend. You know the consequences better than she does and you also are responsible for anything she does legally. Something you may want to keep in mind.

[UnschoolnMa]

My teens prefer to "party" at home so it's never been much of an issue. However, when they have been out with others/at other's homes etc we have discussed the potential risks (legal and otherwise) of drinking and etc. Talking makes so much difference!

[terrordactyl]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

My mom was the type you're rolling your eyes at -- as long as she knew where I was and when I would be home, she was fine. It worked beautifully. I knew how much freedom I had, and I didn't want to abuse it, so I was diligent about calling her if plans changed. She still laughs at the fact that I would call if I was going to be even 5 minutes late. Trust is a great thing, and I plan to give my children the same freedoms unless or until they abuse my trust. I hope they'll take after me!

Frankly, an arbitrary curfew doesn't make sense to me -- nor do most arbitrary things, I'll admit! What's the harm in allowing her to set her own hours, with the knowledge that she must call if plans change? She's practically an adult -- it's time to start treating her like one so that when she is legally free to do as she wishes, she has the experience and ability to do it!

that was my mom and me for the most part

[MommaZtoBlessings]

Another family who doesn't do curfews here. Sorry!

My kids are very responsible. They keep their cell phones on at all times so that I can always be in contact with them (and I often call and text them all night). They know that I wait up for them, so they try to respect my time too. We do have a driving law here that says 16 year olds can't be out driving past 12:30. My oldest usually comes in between 12 and 12:30.

One night she DID break that cut-off. I told her my thoughts on that and told her how disappointing it would be to her if she lost her license two months shy of her 17th birthday (strict laws where we live). She was defensive to me, but I just let it rest and she's never been late since. She's not dumb. Maybe I expect that because she's almost an adult, she needs to use her head like an adult. I also expect that she'll make mistakes (like the driving past 12:30) but that she will learn from those mistakes.

Some of our best talks have come after these kids come home late. I'm so tired, but I love that my two teens will sit up for an hour after they are home and just spill their guts. They trust me to be honest and fair and I love these talks. I never take that for granted.

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry. You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, then you need to be responsible and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.

Sorry...off on my soapbox there.

Just keep talking to her. See what her thoughts are on things. Figure out a workable plan that you can both live with. Now is as good a time as any to begin working on this.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by MommaZtoBlessings

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry. You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, then you need to be responsible and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.

Just wanted to point out the OP stated that she and dh are often the ride home. So there's no indication that there is drinking and driving going on. Just some moderate drinking, which is better then can be said for many adults.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Because we all know the only thing teenagers do when they go out at night is party.

Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.

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I just can't let my dd stay out past midnight. For one, I can't sleep, so I want her home so I can go to sleep.

But, my biggest fear comes from my friend's kids. We have lost several of our teens to anything from murder to reckless driving. All these teens were killed after midnight. So, it's a HUGE thing for me.

My 16 year old is fine with this (for now) We have been talking about it since the first teen funeral we had to go to.

Eventually, I will have to loosen up a little, but for now, it's working fine for us.

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Originally Posted by Buddhamom

Wow. I am glad I am not in your shoes. My 16 yr old (17 next month) has no problem with her 11:00 curfew, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and in fact wouldn't hangout with anyone who does. Yes, she is popular, in sports and student govt. None of her friends do either. In fact as we speak she is down stairs with her boyfriend baking. Maybe it is because we live in a small town (1200) or better yet I probably just got lucky. Have you ever asked her why she drinks? As for curfew, you need to remember, you are the parent, not her friend. You know the consequences better than she does and you also are responsible for anything she does legally. Something you may want to keep in mind.

My kid is like that too. I live in a huge town.

I think it's just the kid. I would LOVE to think it's because I raised her so well, but in all honesty, I have no idea where she gets it. I drink, party, I was not a "good girl" in high school. I wasn't even a very good student. Her Dad was worse than I was.

In spite of all of that, she is a straight A student, in the marching band, in all honors classes, loves math and science. I never would have thought it was genentically possible. By all rights, she should be a total slacker.

So. I think I am just lucky. LOL

It still confuses me though. I Keep looking at her and wondering "Could she have been switched at birth?"

[Dar]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.

Well... actually, she said that her daughter had one or two wine coolers and was very social, but also that she was a really responsible kid. To me that doesn't mean she "drinks at parties", necessarily. I guess when I think of "parties" I picture the sorts of large gatherings I went to when I was younger, with loud music and lots of people and lots of alcohol, lasting well into the night. That's not what my kid is doing, anyway - I can't speak for the OP, but that's not the impression I got from her post.

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.

The ID comment was related to the curfew bit, rather than the drinking...

Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.

Dar

[UUMom]

While we don't have a formal curfew, we've discussed safety and respect and I've worried. I ask my kids to keep in touch with me/dad, and we need their cells phones to be on! (Well, not so much for my 19 yr old who is away at college. lol) . However, for the younger teens (who are not old enough to drive), I need to know where my they are , when they are coming home and how they are getting home. I do put my foot down if something sounds outrageous but my kids have always been ok with that.

My 14 & 16 yr olds are very close and look out for each other. That's comforting. My kids are more homebody & host. We tend to have friends over to our place, which is sanity for me.

I don't want them out at night, doing whatever, even though they have shown themselves to be very thougtful and safe. as I can't sleep well if they are out and about late.They understand and have always been great about calling us to come get them at a decent time. Pretty much, they have all come home early. They know they can have any friends they want over, so I think that helps.

I would absolutely not feel comfortable with my kids out very late, expecially if they don't have their own vehicle. I am pretty dead to the world after 11. I would not feel comfortable with them catching a ride with just anyone. If getting home safely at a late hour was an issue, I would absolutely be talking to my child about my emotional limits on that.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by Dar

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.

That's accurate for our area as well. If a gathering gets obnoxiously loud or huge fights break out then the MIP issue could pop up, and my kids know that. But mostly it's a so whatter.

Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.

ITA