Competitiveness in adoption

[grantskismom+1]

This is a horribly judgmental, awful question and I hate myself for asking it but it's something I really need to understand. This forum has a lot of really understanding, thoughtful women and I thought they might be able to shed some light on this for me. Honestly, the adoption ethics I've developed were founded on reading threads here .

I'm a little new to the adoption community and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Is there a lot of competitiveness? I've never EVER noticed it here but elsewhere I've found what seems to be like a mission to outdo one other with special needs or the number of children.

I don't want to go into details but I've recently witnessed things that have made me extremely uncomfortable. I'm trying to figure out if these things should make me uncomfortable or if I'm just a judgmental shrew. In some ways has adoption become a status symbol? Not economically, but as proof of your righteousness? I can see how one could easily fall into that trap.

Making sense of the ethics involved in adoption seems to be a battle within itself. I guess I just want to be sure when I talk to others about adoption I do so intelligently, respectfully and honestly.

[Sarahbunny]

Really? How strange. I thought your post was going to be about competitveness to be chosen by a expecting parent/s.

I keep typing thoughts and then deleting them. Clearly, I am totally perplexed by this. I suppose for some people, anything is proof of righteousness. KWIM?

Yuck. Righteousness = adoption = people thinking my dd is so lucky to have been adopted. To think that some people would just nod and smile if someone said that to them makes me very sad for their child.

Perhaps you should give a example or two and then we can say if you are a judgemental shrew or totally justified or somewhere in between.

[Sierra]

It may be a recent post of mine you are referring to. I was trying to write a balanced post, as I worried very much about it being misperceived as against a particular type of adoption (which would be a distortion of my actual views). I was attempting to write two different things: 1. There are "pros" of all types of adoption, and 2. There are ethical debates about all types of adoption (my own path not an exception to the rule).

I wrote it very carefully to make sure what I was *actually* trying to say was coming across to the best of my ability, and I put it out on this board trusting that after all these years, if there was any question, most everyone here would know me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt.

I work professionally with a diverse group of families, all of which I have celebrated.

I always welcome PMs from anyone concerned about anything I've written.

[grantskismom+1]

Sierra, no. It wasn't in regard to anything you wrote. In fact, I've learned a lot from your posts and because of that I've become extremely interested in the ethics of adoption.

I've met some wonderful adoptive parents that absolutely love. I'm inspired by their devotion and love for their children. They feel tremendous honor in parenting their children.

Lately I've come across a couple of parents that seem to be trying to outdo each other in a special needs adoption. It's like they look for the most bizarre special need they can think of and then are disappointed when they can't find it. I don't want to bring up a specific example because I don't want to be a meanie.

It was my husband that pointed it out. I was a little uncomfortable about the competitiveness but didn't say anything. I mentioned it to my husband last night and he said, "There's something just not right about that." Of course, this is a guy that's completely turned off by the idea of super large families (the ones with 20+ kids) and he has absolutely no problems being judgmental.

[Masel]

I think I know what you mean. I'm somewhere on the low end of the righeousness scale since we adopted a healthy infant that looks a little like me. (Like I was going to tell her b-mom, "sorry, you're too pale.")

While I've thought "Yeah, you can talk when you actually adopt a kid." I've never actually said it to anyone and don't intend to.

[mamarhu]

I have been around the type of people the OP is referring to. I almost want to tell them my STBAD's (soon to be adopted, as in court is in 2 days and we expect TPR) history and behavioral stuff, and even her ethnic background! Her heritage is Cuban, while mine is Eastern European Jewish - we all have dark wavy hair, dark eyes, mid-range skin color. She fits so well into our family, and definitely doesn't "read" as adopted. It is as if my credentials are not obvious enough to give me the right to an opinion in certain discussions, in certain circles.

[queenjane]

I hang out on a couple of special needs adoption forums, and havent really come across the attitude you're writing about ....i know there are some parents looking for specific types of special needs, based upon what they have experience with, or some connection to that particular need, and there are a few families with tons of kids. On one board i go to there was a poster who seemed to have a chip on her shoulder about a couple of the families who have alot (like 20+) kids, but i think that was just her personal issue.

Katherine

[Monie]

I think that there are just some people who have to compete in certain aspects of their lives, whether it is adopting lots of kids, or kids with SNs, or buying big fancy cars, or big huge houses, etc.

I have also experienced people who adopt (especially international adoptions) to "save" a child. This makes me so very uncomfortable, and I have left a couple of groups because of it. In my experience, they then to be very fundamentalist Christians.

I do belong to groups with lots of families who adopt children with special needs. I don't think that most of them are trying to find children with bizarre needs, whatever those might be.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by mamarhu

I have been around the type of people the OP is referring to. I almost want to tell them my STBAD's (soon to be adopted, as in court is in 2 days and we expect TPR) history and behavioral stuff, and even her ethnic background! Her heritage is Cuban, while mine is Eastern European Jewish - we all have dark wavy hair, dark eyes, mid-range skin color. She fits so well into our family, and definitely doesn't "read" as adopted. It is as if my credentials are not obvious enough to give me the right to an opinion in certain discussions, in certain circles.

I've experienced this as well, in real life. Apparently my kids- my adopted son who has blond hair and blue eyes like me, and my foster daughter who "doesn't look Hispanic enough." Apparently, there's supposed to be more virtue in the foster/adopt world in adopting a child with major issues instead of mine who are (at this point) typically developing and behaving children. I attended a group in which I was made to feel that my children were lesser because they were from the US foster care system and not adopted internationally.

I no longer attend that group's meetings. I have, however, found a group for transracial families that I love. A terrific mix of families.

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Monie

I think that there are just some people who have to compete in certain aspects of their lives, whether it is adopting lots of kids, or kids with SNs, or buying big fancy cars, or big huge houses, etc.

I have also experienced people who adopt (especially international adoptions) to "save" a child. This makes me so very uncomfortable, and I have left a couple of groups because of it. In my experience, they then to be very fundamentalist Christians.

I do belong to groups with lots of families who adopt children with special needs. I don't think that most of them are trying to find children with bizarre needs, whatever those might be.

This is what came to mind when I read the OP. It seems like there are a lot of people like that in the China adoption community and it's very disheartening. Sort of like "I'm such a fabulous Christian because I adopted this poor little orphan and saved them from becoming a godless Communist." Fortunately I've found a handful of online adoptive parents who aren't like that.

I haven't really experienced the SN competitiveness but I have no doubt that it exists.

[grantskismom+1]

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday (the conversation I had made me very uncomfortable and hit me hard) and I realized that hypercompetative in parenting is rampant. Why would it be any different in the adoptive community? It just was really strange to hear and I didn't like it at all.

The woman I was conversing with was telling me that she had prayed really hard for a child with x special need AND y special need (knowing that my child only has x special need). She prayed and prayed and prayed for this child with 2 special needs, but to her disappointment she was referred a child with x special need.

I have to admit, this totally freaked me out. I didn't know how to respond. It's like "extreme" adoption. Being disappointed because your child only has one special need rather than 2 seems really, REALLY strange to me.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

As the adoptive parent of a child with special needs, I definitely know what you're talking about. I think that the more "special" (which translates, "more trouble") a kiddo is, the more "jewels in your crown" (my mother's phrase :Puke) that you get. Parents, particularly mothers, whose entire identity is caught up in how much work they're doing for their child(ren) can, I guess, thrive on the notion of heroism that is very often bestowed (very wrongly, IMO) on parents of children with special needs. It totally baffles me, and is, actually becoming kind of offensive when people suggest that I'm some kind of super-person because I've taken on this child. In many ways it dishonors my daughter's strength and doesn't acknowledge her as a person but as, rather, merely a charity case.

[cpeckys]

This post has stuck with me since I first read it.
I think it is such a complex issue.
I think often people must put down people who choose more difficult adoption situations because it somehow makes them feel less "guilty" about not doing it themselves. If people spent less time criticizing the choices of others and more time focusing on what they could do to help out, the world would be a better place.
Do I think I am "saving" my kids? No way. Do I think they will have more opportunities and choices here than in Haiti? Absolutely. Is a life with a mother and father who are able to provide for your needs better than one without that family? I do think so. If I didn't think so, I would have just had two more biological children, if all I cared about was having a large family...I wanted to do what I thought was the right thing. It would be silly of me to deny that.
Am I a saint, do I deserve a medal, do I think I have earned a special place in heaven...not so much. Am I a mom who is in love with all her kids? Yes!!
As for people searching out specific special needs? Who am I to judge? Maybe they had a sibling with that need, a special friend growing up, a child that they lost, who knows...I know, I don't. Maybe they are just trying to "out adopt" the Joneses...
And as for whether some people think some adoption situations are "more noble" than others...also an interesting point. I think some adoption situations present more challenges than others. Does the adoption of a healthy newborn present the same challenges as the adoption of an older child with special needs? No way. But is the family that chooses the latter "better", no way. I truly think that loving your children with all of your heart and helping them to go out into the world with an accepting and loving heart is noble no matter how they came into your family.
I am not a better parent or person because I chose to adopt two children from Haiti. People try to pin that on me all the time. But I choose to believe that if those people (who think I am a "saint") were to think of me as just a normal person, just like them, then that takes away any excuse they have for not doing the same.
Disclaimer...in the interests of full disclosure...although we have been waiting for over two years to bring our son home, he is not home yet. And, I was adopted at birth myself. For more info on our adoption journey, please check out our blog below!!

[Masel]

But my uncomplicated newborn adoption comes with a very complicated openness since we've know the family for a long time. I'm not trying to be competitive here really. ;P Just showing that there are challenges in unforeseen places and who really can judge.

[cpeckys]

Originally Posted by Masel

But my uncomplicated newborn adoption comes with a very complicated openness since we've know the family for a long time. I'm not trying to be competitive here really. ;P Just showing that there are challenges in unforeseen places and who really can judge.

That is why I said "the same challenges" and not "the same amount of challenges"...Maybe I should have said "the same type of challenges"...but I will leave it be for the sake of being human...
I am truly sorry if that came across as me saying that newborn adoption does not have any challenges, being an adoptee myself, I know just how "challenging" I was to my parents!!

[JoyFilled]

Originally Posted by cpeckys

I am not a better parent or person because I chose to adopt two children from Haiti. People try to pin that on me all the time. But I choose to believe that if those people (who think I am a "saint") were to think of me as just a normal person, just like them, then that takes away any excuse they have for not doing the same.

I love this line. We foster 3 siblings - all healthy and all happy. And people go on and on to us about how amazing we are. Really 3 healthy, happy kids is not a big deal - anyone could do it. So I agree that by them going on about it it gives them an excuse for not doing it.

[hockeywoman]

Originally Posted by JoyFilled

I love this line. We foster 3 siblings - all healthy and all happy. And people go on and on to us about how amazing we are. Really 3 healthy, happy kids is not a big deal - anyone could do it. So I agree that by them going on about it it gives them an excuse for not doing it.

We hear this all the time. When I respond that we are blessed to have 4 wonderful siblings, people respond, but you are still a saint! I really have no idea how to respond at that point. We got into foster/adopt because I felt God's calling that way. And we prayerfully considered our siblings before accepting the placement - they were way above what we thought we could handle, but God had other plans. I'm hoping that once it's not so obvious (we're still seeing people who know us and knew us a year ago before kids - so they ask where they came from), we can minimize those type questions. What really irks me is when people ask when we're having kids of our own ... ummm yeah, I have 4 kids of my own right now!

[vermonttaylors]

I know what the OP means. I have felt judgement from other families who have adopted transracially that felt like we were not as commited or as "good" (not exactly the word I am looking for, it isn't quite the feeling I get from them but I can't think of the right phrasing) for not choosing AA adoption (or for that matter african adoption.)

I don't know how much of that judgement is real, and how much is imagined, but I do think that having asian and eurasian children in Vermont IS significantly less complicated than having black kids. I can't fully explain why we chose Central Asia for all three adoptions, but we got the kids we were supposed to have.

Sometimes I do feel judged for not being able to take on more kids, or foster children, but people can only do what they can do.

I have always said that I am deeply grateful to all the fundamentalist christians who adopt severe special needs kids out of orphanages around the world. These are people who I disagree with on many, many levels, but they are putting their beliefs into action by bringing these kids home and in some cases preventing them from living incredibly horific lives. The motivation may be one I disagree with (I don't like the idea of adoption as "saving" children) but knowing what happens to special needs kids in Central Asia and in some other countries, sometimes they are, literally, saving their lives.

I didn't save my kids' lives, and they aren't "lucky" we adopted them. They would have been adopted by another family had we not been there. No WE are the truly lucky ones to be able to parent these 3 kids.

Competition is everywhere, and yes even in the adoption world (just look at how competetive AP's are about their respective agencies and programs etc.)
Don't let it rub you the wrong way. Follow your path and make your family the best way you know how. There is no right or wrong here.

[RedOakMomma]

I've encountered this, in various forms, throughout the adoption process and even in my pre-adoption life as a mom to a kid with SN.

I think some people are just warped and competitive, or always looking to impress others. There are also people (and I'm sometimes guilty of this) of thinking that they way they're doing it is the only right way to do it.

I've encountered self-righteousness in several areas:
adopting internationally
adopting domestically
adopting a minority child
adopting a child with special needs (or not)
adopting while having a gender preference
etc.
etc.

Some people are competitive about how open they were to special needs, some people are competitive about just how healthy their child is. Others want a status badge for adopting internationally, though some want a special status badge for adopting from a poor country versus a more developed country. Other people want a status badge for facing the challenges of domestic adoption and not going the "easy" international route.

And a few times, on other boards, I've seen families compete about adopting special needs children with a lot or unusual challenges. I swear they're racing each other to get the files of certain children, or taunting others to adopt a child that's been photolisted for a long while because "we handled it, and so can you." There are good ways to challenge people to broaden their minds toward adopting a special needs child, and then there are "see, look at us, we're saints" ways. Honestly, some of what I see are people trying to get faith/religious merit badges, and adopting children with special needs seems to think it brings them closer to God's favor. It's all a little sickening.

And thankfully, it's definitely a small, small portion of the attitudes I've encountered.

[EFmom]

I haven't encountered this in terms of special needs. I have encountered it in terms of sheer numbers of children adopted, and it also seems to be done by Christian fundamentalists.