Lots of warm thoughts and wishes for every woman that has been hurt one way or another during her birthing expierence/s.
My trauma pale's in comparrison to many of those that I've read, and it's awfully long winded so feel free to pass
I barely remember his birth, but I seem to remember something I've forgotten every time I talk about it.
I must start out with saying I was quite shocked to be pregnant. I went to the doctor and my first appointment I was told right off the bat that I was too fat and shouldn't eat. Afterall nutrition isn't important in the first trimester. I was devestated. I've always had issues with my body, it wasn't until I replayed what had happened in my head that it hit and I cried for hours.
So logically I switched practices. Midwife wasn't something that popped in my head (I didn't know it was a realistic option) so I went to an OB. I liked the doctor and had a boring pregnancy. I had a weight gain of 4lb in the course of 2 weeks(between 26 weeks and 28 weeks) and I was given a lecture(it's only through reading now that I knew it was my blood volume expanding) so I cut down on what I was eating! Yes, great advice, but I didn't know better and I never took the time to educate myself.
I knew it was over for me to have a natural birth when I brought in my birth plan. It said I'd prefer a hep lock to IV, I don't want to be offered pain meds, I don't want pitocin. She stopped me on the pitocin one, and asked me why. I knew it wasn't safe after a friend had a normal birth completely disrupted with the use of pit for no reason other than the OB's time. I told her this and she said "oh well it actually is PERFECTLY safe" I should have changed practices then but I had already done it once I was weeks away from being done.
So My due date came and living in a mainstream world, being niave and thinking I knew better, I expected I should have gone into labor already. I mean everyone on the forum I posted on was having their babies early or being induced "on-time." Well I lucked out and started having contractions around dinner time. I was excited! After dinner we went and walked around Target and teh contractions got painful enough I had to stop for them. So we decide to go home get the hospital bag, and call the doula when we got there.
So we go in and get checked in, go up to l&d and suprise! I stop having contractions! I'm 1cm dialted, and roughly 50% effaced. But my blood pressure is 146/86 so they decide to keep me. They call my doc, and decide to induce in case it's pre-e. I couldn't believe it, I didn't know I could stand up and say no so I laid down and took all the needle sticks and then the horrific contractions that started the instant the pit was in my system. I felt like a bear was grabbing my uterus from all sides and dragging and digging it's claws into my contracted uterus. I wanted pain relief I couldn't handle hours of this! SO I get something in the IV and then wait for the epidural and my doula.
From there it's a mind numbing wait for me to dialate, and me knowing I'll be to the doctors in a few weeks for a bladder infection thanks to the cath that felt like a razor blade in my urethra. My water is broken at some point, internal monitor put on. The epidural doesn't work! It makes me very sleepy, very sleepy, my BP never got worse. So I layed on my right side most of the labor rocking during the contraction in my sleep in agony.
Finallyafter 20 some hours I started feeling pushy, oh how I wanted to push but the nurse said no. I'm not allowed because there was a lip. So I layed and waited and waited and waited. Finally I get the go ahead to push and I start pushing with all my might with the nurse pulling incessantly on my perinuem. I have to beg her to get her fingers out of my vagina "PLEASE STOP PULLING ON ME!!" I keep begging, I don't know who made her stop but eventually she did.
I could feel my baby stuck I knew he was stuck so I wanted to roll over, but because the only thing the epi worked on was my energy and my left leg I needed a lot of help. As I tried to roll over on hands and knees it felt like my hips shattered. The pain threw me back on the bed, exhausted, defeated, and feeling like I wanted to die. I blacked out when I came back the doctor was there to assess my progress. We could see my baby's head after 2 hours of pushing, but he was too high for forceps so off to surgery I went. I kept passing out and coming to, blacking out not knowing who was where, where I was, and sometimes who I was. I got on the table and felt them shave me some and shivered violently, I could feel the first cut. And I came to enough to say so they fixed that quick. Finally DH was in the room with me, all I could see was his eyes. I hated that. I tried to stay there enough for me to hear my baby be born. The ripped him out from inside and he was blue, limp, and slient. I was was scared. But within about 1½ minutes they got him going, wrpaed him up and showed him to me. He was beauitful but you could see he'd been through a rough birth. His little nose was scratched (it took 6 weeks to heal). My husband and my baby left me alone in the room of doctors. I laid there awake for a few minutes and finally gave in and passed out when I realized they were only going to talk about themselves.
I woke up in recovery. I forced myself awake, I forced my legs to move. I begged to see my baby. I asked and asked."Please, I'm breastfeeding I need to see him" Every few minutes. Instead I got to listen to the nurses gossip. Finally my doctor came in and I asked her if I could see my baby "when you get to your room" so I asked if I could at least know how much he weighed. So she called the nursery 8lbs 2oz. I was so happy to know something about him. My mom came in to see me real quick then left.
I finally got to a recovery room 2 hours after I met my baby. The nursery thought they were going to bring him to recovery so I hadto wait longer for him to get from the nursery to my room and then I got to hold him. My doula helped him latch and he did great. I forced a smile for one picture and didn't smile for the rest of the stay.
I failed him, I failed my body, I failed my husband. I gave in. I didn't fight, I didn't know how to fight, and I didn't educate or prepare myself in any way to fight. I felt I had delivered vaginally and surgically. I was in pain from my naval to my knees. I got up and walked, and used the restroom. My first nurse took such good care of me and my bottom and she appricated my choice to not circ.
My next day nurse was with me for 2 days, and she helped me, she helped me fight my baby to get him latched even dripping formula on my nipple. He fought my left breast, and he so baddly wanted to nurse just not on that side. Finally the day of discharge came, and I asked for pain meds before I got my staples removed but I had to waait for her to pull and twist every staple, while my baby screamed in the bassinet getting the PKU done. Then I got dressed, and the lovely nurse brought in the social worker. I was 18 so of course I was unfit. I was asked questions in a condisending voice like "do you have a carseat" even though it was sitting in the room and "do you live with him" pointing to my husband. She finally left confused as to why she was there in the first place.
My milk didn't come in for 5 days and it was so hard not to get formula for him but we made it through and he weaned recently just a month shy of his 3rd birthday.
Looking at pictures following his birth I didn't smile for 6 months, it's now 3 years later that I can see how much it effected me, how it changed my relationship with my husband, how much I lost with my baby and becoming a mother. The follow up with the OB she told me I shouldn't ever have a child vaginally, it bothers me that the epi was placed properly and I had told the doctor so 3 times, it bothers me that the nurse wouldn't remove her fingers from my vagina, and waht bothers me most is that it was my niave choice to stay in the dark and stay uneducated about birth that led to the terrible choices that were made. If I could go back and do it again I would.
My trauma pale's in comparrison to many of those that I've read, and it's awfully long winded so feel free to pass
I barely remember his birth, but I seem to remember something I've forgotten every time I talk about it.
I must start out with saying I was quite shocked to be pregnant. I went to the doctor and my first appointment I was told right off the bat that I was too fat and shouldn't eat. Afterall nutrition isn't important in the first trimester. I was devestated. I've always had issues with my body, it wasn't until I replayed what had happened in my head that it hit and I cried for hours.
So logically I switched practices. Midwife wasn't something that popped in my head (I didn't know it was a realistic option) so I went to an OB. I liked the doctor and had a boring pregnancy. I had a weight gain of 4lb in the course of 2 weeks(between 26 weeks and 28 weeks) and I was given a lecture(it's only through reading now that I knew it was my blood volume expanding) so I cut down on what I was eating! Yes, great advice, but I didn't know better and I never took the time to educate myself.
I knew it was over for me to have a natural birth when I brought in my birth plan. It said I'd prefer a hep lock to IV, I don't want to be offered pain meds, I don't want pitocin. She stopped me on the pitocin one, and asked me why. I knew it wasn't safe after a friend had a normal birth completely disrupted with the use of pit for no reason other than the OB's time. I told her this and she said "oh well it actually is PERFECTLY safe" I should have changed practices then but I had already done it once I was weeks away from being done.
So My due date came and living in a mainstream world, being niave and thinking I knew better, I expected I should have gone into labor already. I mean everyone on the forum I posted on was having their babies early or being induced "on-time." Well I lucked out and started having contractions around dinner time. I was excited! After dinner we went and walked around Target and teh contractions got painful enough I had to stop for them. So we decide to go home get the hospital bag, and call the doula when we got there.
So we go in and get checked in, go up to l&d and suprise! I stop having contractions! I'm 1cm dialted, and roughly 50% effaced. But my blood pressure is 146/86 so they decide to keep me. They call my doc, and decide to induce in case it's pre-e. I couldn't believe it, I didn't know I could stand up and say no so I laid down and took all the needle sticks and then the horrific contractions that started the instant the pit was in my system. I felt like a bear was grabbing my uterus from all sides and dragging and digging it's claws into my contracted uterus. I wanted pain relief I couldn't handle hours of this! SO I get something in the IV and then wait for the epidural and my doula.
From there it's a mind numbing wait for me to dialate, and me knowing I'll be to the doctors in a few weeks for a bladder infection thanks to the cath that felt like a razor blade in my urethra. My water is broken at some point, internal monitor put on. The epidural doesn't work! It makes me very sleepy, very sleepy, my BP never got worse. So I layed on my right side most of the labor rocking during the contraction in my sleep in agony.
Finallyafter 20 some hours I started feeling pushy, oh how I wanted to push but the nurse said no. I'm not allowed because there was a lip. So I layed and waited and waited and waited. Finally I get the go ahead to push and I start pushing with all my might with the nurse pulling incessantly on my perinuem. I have to beg her to get her fingers out of my vagina "PLEASE STOP PULLING ON ME!!" I keep begging, I don't know who made her stop but eventually she did.
I could feel my baby stuck I knew he was stuck so I wanted to roll over, but because the only thing the epi worked on was my energy and my left leg I needed a lot of help. As I tried to roll over on hands and knees it felt like my hips shattered. The pain threw me back on the bed, exhausted, defeated, and feeling like I wanted to die. I blacked out when I came back the doctor was there to assess my progress. We could see my baby's head after 2 hours of pushing, but he was too high for forceps so off to surgery I went. I kept passing out and coming to, blacking out not knowing who was where, where I was, and sometimes who I was. I got on the table and felt them shave me some and shivered violently, I could feel the first cut. And I came to enough to say so they fixed that quick. Finally DH was in the room with me, all I could see was his eyes. I hated that. I tried to stay there enough for me to hear my baby be born. The ripped him out from inside and he was blue, limp, and slient. I was was scared. But within about 1½ minutes they got him going, wrpaed him up and showed him to me. He was beauitful but you could see he'd been through a rough birth. His little nose was scratched (it took 6 weeks to heal). My husband and my baby left me alone in the room of doctors. I laid there awake for a few minutes and finally gave in and passed out when I realized they were only going to talk about themselves.
I woke up in recovery. I forced myself awake, I forced my legs to move. I begged to see my baby. I asked and asked."Please, I'm breastfeeding I need to see him" Every few minutes. Instead I got to listen to the nurses gossip. Finally my doctor came in and I asked her if I could see my baby "when you get to your room" so I asked if I could at least know how much he weighed. So she called the nursery 8lbs 2oz. I was so happy to know something about him. My mom came in to see me real quick then left.
I finally got to a recovery room 2 hours after I met my baby. The nursery thought they were going to bring him to recovery so I hadto wait longer for him to get from the nursery to my room and then I got to hold him. My doula helped him latch and he did great. I forced a smile for one picture and didn't smile for the rest of the stay.
I failed him, I failed my body, I failed my husband. I gave in. I didn't fight, I didn't know how to fight, and I didn't educate or prepare myself in any way to fight. I felt I had delivered vaginally and surgically. I was in pain from my naval to my knees. I got up and walked, and used the restroom. My first nurse took such good care of me and my bottom and she appricated my choice to not circ.
My next day nurse was with me for 2 days, and she helped me, she helped me fight my baby to get him latched even dripping formula on my nipple. He fought my left breast, and he so baddly wanted to nurse just not on that side. Finally the day of discharge came, and I asked for pain meds before I got my staples removed but I had to waait for her to pull and twist every staple, while my baby screamed in the bassinet getting the PKU done. Then I got dressed, and the lovely nurse brought in the social worker. I was 18 so of course I was unfit. I was asked questions in a condisending voice like "do you have a carseat" even though it was sitting in the room and "do you live with him" pointing to my husband. She finally left confused as to why she was there in the first place.
My milk didn't come in for 5 days and it was so hard not to get formula for him but we made it through and he weaned recently just a month shy of his 3rd birthday.
Looking at pictures following his birth I didn't smile for 6 months, it's now 3 years later that I can see how much it effected me, how it changed my relationship with my husband, how much I lost with my baby and becoming a mother. The follow up with the OB she told me I shouldn't ever have a child vaginally, it bothers me that the epi was placed properly and I had told the doctor so 3 times, it bothers me that the nurse wouldn't remove her fingers from my vagina, and waht bothers me most is that it was my niave choice to stay in the dark and stay uneducated about birth that led to the terrible choices that were made. If I could go back and do it again I would.
OMG! Are you kidding. My eyes teared up reading this!
:
:
Earth to Turquesa!
