What do you do when your DH is determined that son will be circ'd?

[**Cat**]

My DH is circumcised and he is determined that our son will be.

Everyone on both sides of our families is strongly pro-circ... but me.

What do you do? He isn't interested in looking at any anti-circ information- at all.

[Viola]

Can he tell you why he's pro-circ?

Can you pick a pediatrician who doesn't perform routine infant circumcisions?

My attitude would be that if you don't want to research and at least look at the information, then you don't get to have a say in making the choice for surgery, but I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like.

[Microsoap]

You protect your innocent son from unnecessary mutilation. You say "over my dead body!". It is NOT happening and that's all their is to it. He can choose to do it himself, if he wants, when he's an adult.

If worse comes to worse -- and an absolute last resort -- threaten to leave him w/ the child if he attempts to take him to be circumcised.

I don't mean to scare you and this threat gets them to back off, but I sure would have contempt towards a spouse who would take our child behind my back, and have him permanently altered to appease his insecurities. Intact is the default!

[**Cat**]

Well, I'm not prepared to divorce him over this. I have 16 month old twins and I think it would be grossly unfair to all my kids if I do that. He could try to divorce me, but in my state breastfeeding mothers ALWAYS get custody. Also, I believe I need to sign a consent form for it so I don't think he can take him behind my back. He can just be a big jerk to me about it.

He wants it done because he is circumcized. That's it. He thinks it's the right thing to do. I think he's wrong. I want to leave my baby boy just as he is.

I'm planning on talking to my midwife about it and seeing if she'll talk to him. I believe in my DH and I being equal parents to our kids... he sure is a hands on dad to his girls. He's a fantastic father... he just has this old fashioned idea, I guess. I'm hoping someone else has gone through this and can help me.

[Microsoap]

It seems he's uneducated on the issue. There's lots of valuable sources on circumcision, why it's wrong and the benefits of the foreskin. Has he checked out the Intact.ca actual circumcision video? THIS is the absolute mutilation and torture HIS son (your son, too) will go through:


http://www.intact.ca/

[**Cat**]

You gave me an idea.

I think I might tell him that there is no possiblity that I will go along with it unless he has the manhood (pun intended) to see what he wants to do to his precious son.

[Microsoap]

That can work and often does ("You book the appointment, you watch it being done, you clean his fresh bloody circumcised penis"). But if he sees it being done and realizes the savageness of it all, your son still paid the price.

Watching the Intact.ca video gives him an idea (turn up the speakers LOUD, do not let him turn it off 'til the end... because YOUR SON doesn't have the option when HE'S the one strapped down being literally skinned alive!).

I would suggest using humour to change his mind. I've heard soooo many great things about "Penn & Teller's Bulls**t!" circumcision episode.

edit: If you click on my signature link, you'll see a very indepth (non-gory) video on the BENEFITS of the foreskin and why this is the smart thing to do. Yes, he'll feel defensive because his son will have all the benefits he didn't, BUT... this is about the best thing for your son! And as you already know, it's not fair to punish your son because of his parents ignorance. And if he's the great father you say he is (and I'm not doubting you at all), he'll realize that, too, and put his son's need FIRST.

[**Cat**]

That's what I'm saying.

I have no intent whatsoever in going along with it. I'm hoping if he watches the videos and learns about it he will make the sane and logical choice. Before we knew what we were having I said that I wanted nothing to do with it... but when I saw his little peepee on the ultrasound the first thing I thought was how I have to protect that little organ.

Right now he wants to remain blissfully ignorant on the topic.

[Microsoap]

Originally Posted by **Cat**

That's what I'm saying.

I have no intent whatsoever in going along with it. I'm hoping if he watches the videos and learns about it he will make the sane and logical choice. Before we knew what we were having I said that I wanted nothing to do with it... but when I saw his little peepee on the ultrasound the first thing I thought was how I have to protect that little organ.

Right now he wants to remain blissfully ignorant on the topic.

And that's totally common for a guy to feel that way. The "don't rock the boat" (appeasement) scenario is what keeps the vicious chain of abuse going. And a zillion kudos to you for your motherly instinct to kick to want to protect him. It's what parents are suppose to do. But sadly, some parents don't see it that way for circumcision. So we're all proud of you for thinking twice about the issue and wanting to protect him!!! :


Here's a link for you:

http://www.sexasanatureintendedit.com/
Top Ten (10) Ways Circumcised Male Sex Hurts Women

I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm a 33-year-old happily intact male and I wouldn't trade for my foreskin for anything in the world.

[**Cat**]

Thanks for the information!

I am going to make him look at that stuff. He really is a wonderful father- honestly. He was just so awesome with our twins and I believe in him. I just feel like he's wrong on this issue, and clearly you agree.

Well, it's late here and I'm exhausted. Thanks again, sir! I hope you have a wonderful night and know you may have saved another little boy's penis.

[Microsoap]

Have a super night. Get some rest. You most deserve it, even without the circ fight. And I don't think it will be much of a fight at all. Glad you're with us.

P.S. Who knows... maybe a year from now, you'll even have an anti-circ bumper sticker on your car. A lot of circ'd DH converts here. Like intact penises, the more the merrier.

[KBecks]

Here's what I think you do. It's not easy, but it's what you need to do if you want your son intact.

You say no, I'm not going to allow our child to be cut. Then you tell your OB that you don't want circ, and you do not sign consent forms in the hospital. You tell the nurses, etc. that you refuse circ.


I think in terms of dealing with your DH, you still let him express his feelings, while holding your ground that you will not allow it to happen. Let him ask questions, etc. but you just keep saying no, over and over and over and over....... and its going to be up to you to be strong.

You need to take the power of that decision.

My first two sons are circed because I was not strong enough and didn't believe it strongly enough to go alone on the decision and make my way happen. Now with our 3rd, DH is onboard.

Also, focus on your goal. DH does not have to agree circ is bad. All he needs to accept is that your son will be just fine with all his parts, and it's OK to have a foreskin.

Good luck! Please feel free to PM if you want to chat.

(My husband just looked over my shoulder at the computer and then said "I still think you're wrong about it, but I'm willing to do what you want." We're having our 3rd son tomorrow! And he will be intact. Your DH doesn't have to agree, he just needs to go along for the ride.)

[loveyourohana]

I would talk with your doctor beforehand, let them know you do not consent in advance. Let them know that there is a difference of opinion, but that no matter what, you do not consent. Possibly have it notorized and placed in your birthing plan or file. I don't believe they can do it behind your back, and the Dr. will be prepared for any mishapps or missinformation given.

[Arduinna]

over my dead body, and mean it. seriously.

[Ensemble]

I strongly second the recommendation to watch the Pen & Teller BS episode with him. It's very, very entertaining and funny. That is absolutely crucial when someone really isn't much interested in hearing about this subject. I've never seen any other video about circumcision with that quality. His feelings of "I really don't want to hear about this" will be eased because it's hilarious. But it will impart much of the information he needs to know.

You should be able to find it on YouTube, in three parts.

[perspective]

You need to separate your sons penis from his. Yeah you need to show the value in the foreskin, and that its not a throw away body part. But tell him this has nothing to do with him. Tell him, "your happy with your penis, right?" Thats not the issue, the point is that this body part DOES value, and even though he might not find any value in it, your son is a different person, and who knows what he will value.

Its great your husband is happy with his body, but its his sons right as a man to decide for himself.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

You try every way you can think of to get him to understand that it isnt going to happen and why. But in the end if he still stands his ground then it is up to you as the mother to protect your child and say it isnt going to happen, over my dead body, end of story.

I believe both parents should make parenting decisions together but in this case it isnt a parenting decision it is a personal one, your sons. No one else has the right to decide what his future sex life will be like him and only him should have that choice.

[**Cat**]

Thank you all so much for the advice and words of encouragement.

I feel empowered to stand up against everyone in the family- but really the only person I give a damn about is my DH. My mother-in-law is going to have something to say about it but she also had something to say about us co-sleeping, not feeding cereal at 2 weeks , babywearing, holding, responding to cries "spoiling", etc. She ought to know that my husband doesn't go to her for mothering advice, he goes to ME.

My mother is also pro-circ but she will support me 100%... she always has.

I'm going to get him to watch the Penn and Teller thing first and take it from there. Goodness knows I watch enough of his political mumbo jumbo to humor him. Gah... if I have to watch one more "I invented the internet" anti-Obama things I'm going to scream.

[heamae]

I know just how you feel. DH is very pro and wont look at anything against and the only reason he is for it is bc he is Cir'd and wants his son to look like him. I have constantly asked him when was the last time he saw his own fathers penis?? When we were pregnant with out last we argued over a little bc there was a slim chance the ultra sound was wrong. I told him if he wanted it done it would not be done in the hospital and he would have to take him for the procedure. My hopes were that the insurance company wouldnt cover if it wasnt done in the hospital. I never called to find out if is was covered bc I didnt want to lie to him.
We are now pregnant with our third and we dont find out what we are having until Dec. The arguments have already started. My mother in law was yelling at me on Sunday about it. I really want a boy but am afraid of the arguments that a boy will bring on and am afraid that unless the arguments are settled we will never have a boy.

[Frankly Speaking]

Cat, you've taken an approach that many mothers take and it is not likely to work in your favor. You have let your husband put you on the defensive in stead of him being the defensive party. If he wants your son circumcised, he should be the one defending his decision instead of you defending your decision.

If you present him with a video, he is likely to say "That's staged and fake." If you show him research, he's likely to say "Research can be manipulated to show anything." In essence, if he is determined, he will reject anything you show him. You can not let him put you in this position. You need to turn the tables on him. Make him show you how circumcision will benefit your son by providing 3 links from reputable sources. I can guarantee you that he will not find them and anything that he does find can be refuted. This will either settle the issue by him not finding anything or he will just tire of looking.

I would also caution you to be careful in the hospital. I have seen instances where the doctors or nurses will approach the father for the consent to circumcise when the mother rejects it. Sometimes they will strongly urge a disagreeing parent to consent. Unfortunately, this is legal. They do not have to have the consent of both parents and some unethical doctors and nurses will go behind your back to get the result they want. You have to realize that the consent form is nothing more than a way to limit their liability. It merely shows that someone with the legal right to consent has consented and not that there is agreement between the parties. It is purely for the doctor's and hospital's legal protection.



Frank