I'm new to this board, but not new to PPD, and I just need a little support (don't we all)! I suffered severe PPD with my first child 3 1/2 years ago, and I was so opposed to bf'ing and taking drugs that I only tried them for a very short amount of time. I am realizing that my anxiety made me feel that I couldn't take the drugs, but if I had it probably would have helped significantly. I did see a counselor, but I recall my dr. being very upset when I refused to do her prescribed treatment. I wish I had been rational enough to listen to her! Anyways, after about 7 months I felt better, but I think better was still really depressed. Like I said, I was very severly depressed. So, I think that the better was still bad, but so much better than where I was that I decided I was well.
So enter baby #2, a year and a half after my first. I didn't feel much worse than I was already feeling, so I again decided not to take drugs, even though my dr. tried again to get me to. But I wasn't nearly as bad as I was at my worst, and since I don't want to harm anyone, I guess it's okay.
Surprise, baby #3 less than 2 years after that, and again I am severly depressed. I saw the dr. last week and decided that I have to take drugs for my family's sake, so I started on Zoloft, but have yet for it to start working. I know it takes a while, so I'm still hoping.
But I'm reflecting now and have decided that the last four years I have spent being depressed, and I feel like I wasted four years, and that's depressing me further! Talk about frustrating! I feel like I've just been numb and haven't enjoyed my kids fully. I also just now realized how bad my anxiety is. If it gets much worse I won't want to leave my house. With baby #1 I made myself leave the house every day. Now it isn't possible because I can't take my 2yo anywhere without temper tantrums. So now I'm even more isolated than before. I know I'm going to have to start counseling again, which means I have to find a new counselor. I had a bad experience with the first one (why didn't I get an abortion if I wasn't planning on getting pregnant, not what you say to a new mom with PPD, as if I wasn't feeling bad enough!), the second one goes to our church, and I don't feel comfortable anymore because she is on the board with my DH, so now I have to find one with my insurance.
Sorry this is long, I just am upset with myself for not being able to see this so clearly until now. My dr. asked me at my appt. if I still enjoy things I used to, and I told her I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I think she was almost ready to cry! So I started thinking about everything, and came to the conclusion that now I am depressed about being depressed!
So enter baby #2, a year and a half after my first. I didn't feel much worse than I was already feeling, so I again decided not to take drugs, even though my dr. tried again to get me to. But I wasn't nearly as bad as I was at my worst, and since I don't want to harm anyone, I guess it's okay.
Surprise, baby #3 less than 2 years after that, and again I am severly depressed. I saw the dr. last week and decided that I have to take drugs for my family's sake, so I started on Zoloft, but have yet for it to start working. I know it takes a while, so I'm still hoping.
But I'm reflecting now and have decided that the last four years I have spent being depressed, and I feel like I wasted four years, and that's depressing me further! Talk about frustrating! I feel like I've just been numb and haven't enjoyed my kids fully. I also just now realized how bad my anxiety is. If it gets much worse I won't want to leave my house. With baby #1 I made myself leave the house every day. Now it isn't possible because I can't take my 2yo anywhere without temper tantrums. So now I'm even more isolated than before. I know I'm going to have to start counseling again, which means I have to find a new counselor. I had a bad experience with the first one (why didn't I get an abortion if I wasn't planning on getting pregnant, not what you say to a new mom with PPD, as if I wasn't feeling bad enough!), the second one goes to our church, and I don't feel comfortable anymore because she is on the board with my DH, so now I have to find one with my insurance.
Sorry this is long, I just am upset with myself for not being able to see this so clearly until now. My dr. asked me at my appt. if I still enjoy things I used to, and I told her I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I think she was almost ready to cry! So I started thinking about everything, and came to the conclusion that now I am depressed about being depressed!
I hear you. When I finally, finally, FINALLY got help for my depression, I was diagnosed with three different kinds of depression including dysthymia because I was in the same position as you and I couldn't even identify the last time I wasn't depressed.
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Sometimes that's just what I need because most people don't understand!
