Torn between panic and desire to have more dc.

[DevaMajka]

So- ds's birth was quite traumatic for dp and I. We both decided that we don't ever want me to get pg again.

background~~~~~~~~~~~~
We ttc for 20mos to get pg with ds. My pg was "textbook" per my ob/gyn. It was totally fine- very little morning sickness, I felt great, I was so happy.

His birth- my water broke in the middle of the night, and went to the hospital. They insisted that I stay in bed, and not be allowed to get up (I *think* I was bleeding a small amount). They told me that since my water broke, if he wasn't born in 24 hours they'd do a c-section, so they wanted to give me Pitocin. I agreed (one of my stupid mistakes of the day). Ds's heart rate went way down (40bpm or something like that), and they attached an internal monitor, and gave me an epidural at 2cm "just in case" we needed an emergency c-section.
So, I'm on Pitocin, attached to an internal monitor, and had a VERY early epidural (none of THIS was on my birth plan ). I think there were other interventions they did, but I don't really remember.

Labor was painless, and the epi didn't wear off enough when it was time to push. I pushed for a while, then they "helped" (I think with a suction thing?) get him out. At this point, the epi HAD worn off, and I was majorly bleeding. The doc stitched me up (I guess I tore), and that didn't stop it. So he reached up inside me, over and over and over, to see if there was placenta left. That sucked. It hurt like hell, and I feel sick just thinking about it. Dp did yell at them and tell them to give me *some* sort of pain relief, which they did. There was no placenta left. They have no idea why I'm bleeding.

So they took me to the OR (luckily AFTER I heard them say that ds was perfectly fine). Left dp with ds in a room covered in my blood. (I never got the bonding experience, but I'm glad that at least dp did!). I'm in an OR mostly unconscious. They don't know what to do except stuff my uterus full of gauze to hopefully stop the bleeding. Poor dp, didn't know what was happening.

So the next few days I was in pain, but mostly unconscious. They gave me 5 pints of blood, and wanted to give me a 6th but the doc was ok with me refusing that one. I was attached to about every hospital thing you could imagine- oxygen, a few iv's, various monitors, etc. I could hardly roll over the first 2 days to nurse ds (thankfully dp did all the nursing work, other than me providing the breast). I found out that if the bleeding didn't stop, the only other option was a hysterectomy. They didn't let me eat or drink anything for 2 days after delivery, because we had to be ready for surgery. That sucked big time.

We left the hospital 6 days later.
That was 4 years ago, and I still have a scar from where they did the blood clot test. Now if there is still a scar on my arm, imo it seems quite likely that there could be damage on my uterus that didn't heal perfectly as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ end of background

So, here we are 4 years later, and I really want another child, and for ds to have a sibling. I really want to adopt, and dp is for adoption, but isn't sure he wants any more children at all.
The other day, we had an incident that could lead to an unplanned pg. I'm torn between panicking, and really hoping that I am pg. I start thinking about car seats, clothes, toys, a sibling for ds, and it seems awesome.
But then I think about the birth, and the fact that I'd really like to survive, and I get panicky- like freaked out panicky. I'm not literally concerned that I'll die, but I AM concerned that my body was so damaged that it won't be able to hold a pg to term, or that I will end up with a hysterectomy next time.

Part of me would LOVE to have an "unplanned" pg. After all the obsessing and ttc to get pg with ds. (of course, here I am obsessing about whether or not I'm pg now). I've also had the thought that it would be nice to have a chance to have a "good" birth. In BC, where we live now, they give you the option of having a doctor or a midwife, so I feel a small amount of relief that I could pick a midwife.

But the other part- is just panic. I'm freaked out. I'm obsessing. I don't know what to think.

Anybody else torn like that? Any advice? Opinions?

[MrsAprilMay]

What a tough situation. I don't have any real advice, I just wanted to share a cyber hug with you.

[DevaMajka]

Thanks for the hug It helps to know that people care

eta- I was born and raised in Ohio, and my dad REALLY wanted to name me April May. Just thought I'd share.

[readytobedone]

i can relate. i want another child but can't imagine ever NOT being freaked about the idea of pregnancy/birth.

have you talked over your medical records with your doctor, or another doctor?

i've found it does help somewhat to hear a play-by-play of what happened in DD's birth, why everyone was freaked, and how likely they think it is to be freaky the next time. in my case, as long as i have a planned c/s, the OB thinks all should be well. still not ready to TTC, though...and although DD is just 17 months old, i can definitely imagine her being 4 and me still feeling this way.

it's a rough situation. i hope you get the info and emotional clarity you need to move forward with whatever you decide, mama.

[AutumnAir]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. You are perfectly entitled to be traumatised. You were treated awfully and suffered a lot physically as a result. It's not surprising that you would be terrified by the thought of putting yourself in a position to possibly suffer similar trauma again.
It's also possible that (like me) you want to be pregnant in order to 'do it right'. I do want another baby eventually, but I know that the urge I feel right now is not about another child but about wanting to do the original birth over and correct the 'mistakes' I can see with hind-sight.
I do know that panicked feeling well. I saw a heavily pregnant woman on the street yesterday and a feeling of dread and panic washed over me at the thought of being in that situation again. At this point (9 mo PP) I'm not sure if I'll ever recover enough to allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

have you talked over your medical records with your doctor, or another doctor?

That's a really good idea, and one that I've pushed aside in the past.
Up to this point, it was pure panic at the thought of getting pg. There was no desire for another child, so it wouldn't have changed anything in my head. If they had told me I'd be fine next time, I wouldn't have believed them.

Now that I have health insurance, and there is some desire to balance out the panic a little bit, I will go ahead with having my records transfered and discuss them with a doc here. (I wonder how tranferring records works between the US and Canada...hmmm).
I guess if they tell me that it really is risky for me to get pg again, that would actually make things a lot easier, yk?

(I asked the OB after ds's birth, if I should try to avoid pg. She said, basically, that if I asked her if I could have one more child, she'd say sure. But if I wanted to have 7, she'd say definitely not. So...)

[beaner&tiegs]

First of all, a huge hug to you. I found this thread via the vancouver tribe... a couple of thoughts for you -
First of all, I would be inclined to see a natropath to see what I could do to help healing. Things like scars not healing well, etc, could be helped I imagine by the right herbs, super healthy foods, etc, and I would work with someone who thought alternatively to get ideas. I know that there are uterus strengthening herbs that I use when I want to get pregnant, and I assume there's ones geared more towards healing.

Secondly, I would call as many midwife offices as you can, and see who they recommend for an OB, and work proactively at getting a copy of your file. I think that even if you choose in the end not to give birth, it may be healing to go over the events with a professional (OB) Midwives would tend to know who are the more alternative/natural birth-friendly OB's

Thirdly, I would seek out Birthing From Within classes/the book - healing through art therapy. There MUST be classes/one-on-one sessions for working through birth trauma and the fears from that, as I hear many stories of people going through similar things as you - the support may help you on this journey.

Best of luck to you however it turns out. It's definitely hopeful that the OB didn't consider another pregnancy out of the question, the human body is amazing in its ability to recover and to heal. Trust in your strength. You CAN have a totally different experience the next time. That's what second births are all about - going in armed with the knowledge of how you want things done. First of all, second births are often easier, and secondly, even with everything that happened, I suspect it could have been handled much better with a different healthcare provider.

I hope you find peace with whatever you choose.

[Kirsten]

I am SO sorry that you had such a terrible experience! I think the person who told you to go to the hospital at the first sign of labor did you a great disservice. Nothing but trouble comes from being at the hospital in early labor.

I'd find a midwife you like in your area. Interview a few until you find one you click with. Ask her if she has any suggestions for books, classes, therapists to help with your anxiety over another birth. Know it can be so, so different than what happened the first time.

Even the original doc said you could have another. Saying you shouldn't have seven wouldn't worry me; I don't think any of us should have seven (or I should say expect that we wouldn't have damage to our bodies if we did).

I really liked Susan Rosegg-McCutcheon's book "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way". Explained everything so clearly. Really made sense to me.

Have you seen "The Business of Being Born"? It might make you feel better that it wasn't you; it was the society of birth that you entrusted yourself to. They failed you, not your body.

I hope you become comfortable with your past experience regardless of whether you go on to have more biological children.

[tiffani]

hey becky! just offering 's here too, on this side of the 'adding to the family' fence, since I was over there with you on the adoption side of the fence as well...

check out the women at the Laurel St. family practice -- Patti Thompson of Pacific Midwifery referred me to them 9 years ago and they've been awesome! not sure they're taking newbies, but it's worth a shot!!

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by tiffani

hey becky! just offering 's here too, on this side of the 'adding to the family' fence, since I was over there with you on the adoption side of the fence as well...

Thank you. I know, I'm all over the place, right? lol. Well, at least I know that I *really* want to add another dc to our family.

Thanks for the rec- I wrote it down to call and check tomorrow.