my 13 yr old needs to socialize

[mommy68]

I have tried several times to find a 4H group for my kids to become involved in, but most times it leads nowhere. The 4H groups are almost always full. Plus, I prefer a group that doesn't meet at 7pm on a week night since we homeschool which is almost impossible to find. We just can't fit another thing in to our days unless it is during the daytime while other kids are in school.

I think it would do my kids some good to be involved something with kids that aren't homeschooled, but the timing just hasn't been right. Is there something I'm missing? We are involved in several homeschool PE programs right now and a homeschool group that has classes each week and field trips throughout the year. Is that enough?

My oldest child is very shy and is not getting anywhere with making a friend. He has yet to talk to anyone and even say as much as a hello. My other kids I don't worry about since they are young and they seem to see the same kids at everything we go to and they just talk to them, they are outgoing. But my 13 yr old is extremely shy. He has always been this way. It's not because he's homeschooled and he is weird. He is just shy. I don't know what to do at this point. We aren't part of a church because I haven't liked any of the churches we have visited, they are either too large or too small. He is just one of those kids that is content being in a large group of kids and standing around listening in and not talking. He seems happy that way. But he's 13 now and I really want him to have a friend. He still considers his old friends from his old school (he attended a PS for 2 yeras) his friends but he no longer talks to them.

I have thought about putting my 13 yr old in a local private school that offers homeschool classes in the elective classes like art, PE, spanish, band, chorus. But those classes would meet several times per week and only take about an hour at the most each day. That would mean driving him there and waiting until he gets out each day. It would mean gas money, our days would be messed up with the time it takes to drive him back and forth. Then he *might* mingle and talk to someone and make a friend and he may just go there and sit and talk to no one...making it pointless in the end.

I just want him to have a friend. It may sound silly but I think back to when I was 13 and even though I'm a girl I had a couple of friends that I really was close to. I started getting in trouble in the high school years and could have benefited from no friends at that point I'm sure, but my son is a good kid with a good head on his shoulders and I want him to experience friendships.

Sorry to ramble. I've posted about this in the past. We give him several opportunities already each week and he doesn't even try to talk to anyone. I always remind him to say hello to another kid or talk to another kid and he won't do it. His classes in our homeschool group are even all boys so there's no excuse for him. He doesn't even have to worry about girls getting in the way, lol.

[moominmamma]

Let me get this right -- he's happy being a social bystander, your family is already so busy with homeschooling-related group stuff and other activities that you can't fit something like 4H in, and he has plenty of opportunity to make friends and speak with others if he'd only just do it? In that case I can say with certainty that adding another activity like church group or 4H is not going to make any difference. I'm not sure he has unmet social needs ... I think that you have a need to see him learning group-based social approach skills. That's fine, but I think you should recognize that at this point it's really your problem, not his.

I'm sure you'd like to see him grow in his ability to integrate in group social environments. But I don't think you're likely to get that growth by providing him with more and more group social exposure that's outside his comfort zone. I think that instead you start with the sorts of social experiences that he is best suited to, and then you let him gradually expand his comfort zone. I have a shy kid who relates best to adults one-on-one. Music is one of her interests and we've fed that, allowing her plenty of access to private teachers and gradually to teacher-coached small ensembles with three or four other kids. As time has gone on she's been able to participate more and more in larger group situations led by those same adults and including the students she knows well. At fourteen she's finally at the point where she can make friends in larger groups of adults or teens -- provided she has one trusted friend with her in the mix to give her a sense of safety / company / familiarity.

If your ds is like my dd, in that he does best with a single adult he trusts, that's the type of friendship and social exposure I'd try to engineer for him. Don't give him more of what clearly isn't working for him -- give him something different as a social opportunity. Perhaps you have a family friend or extended family member who operates a small business or has an interesting hobby who would be happy to have your ds tag along. That little social dyad of teen and mentor will likely gradually expand to include co-workers, fellow hobby enthusiasts and others.

HTH!

Miranda

[kathymuggle]

When picking groups, consider the following:

1: could he join or could you organise a group where the kids do things one on one. A chess club?

2. Join a group or start one that involves lots of interaction (say - at least 2 times a week) and that goes on for a number of months. Drama may work. Or an academic bowl (mind odysee comes to mind). It particualrly helps if there is a competition or event at the end - they will have to work together to complete it.

Could you chat up one of the moms and invite her over (with her child) for tea? Maybe they will click.

Do not neglect the internet. Ds chats to people on Runescape all the time. No, they are not friends, so to speak, but they are contact.

Ds has made many friends because our house is a kid magnet. We are outside a lot, on the trampoline, etc. I know this only works if you live in town - but literally going outside helps.

Last thought - some people are loners. I really would have been happy left to my own devises at age 13. Really. Unless he seems unhappy, I would be careful not to project my worries unto him.

[3momkmb]

I have a shy one too. Putting more on her plate never helped, and even hindered. What she needed was consistant contact with the same group of kids and, most importantly, time. She needed to observe and hang back for awhile until she became comfortable. It took almost a year, seriously. Less in dance class since she was older (14) when she started there. She now calls several girls in our homeschooling group and a another in dance her *friends*, but she doesn't have the level of interaction I did at her age. That's OK since she doesn't need it. She's comfortable with the occasional e-mail and seeing them at homeschooling functions and dance classes.

Do I worry? Sometimes, but I've come to realize it's my issue. She is perfectly happy!

[milkybean]

"But my 13 yr old is extremely shy. He has always been this way. It's not because he's homeschooled and he is weird. He is just shy.

He is just one of those kids that is content being in a large group of kids and standing around listening in and not talking. He seems happy that way.

I just want him to have a friend. It may sound silly but I think back to when I was 13 and even though I'm a girl I had a couple of friends that I really was close to."


I was and am shy, and I was public-schooled (plus two years of montessori before 1st grade). I would have LOVED just being on my own quite a bit of the time, but that's just now "allowed" when in school.

If he's happy, don't push him. If he doesn't socialize at social events now, he won't at others. And remember, he's a boy. Boy friendships are different. My hubby was more girl-like in his early friendships, but he can go YEARS without talking to them and when he sees one of his old friends again it's like no time has passed at all. And actually the friends i do have are more guy-like, and I'm the same way. I have very few see-all-the-time friends, and have a core group of people that I can reconnect with with just a "hi" every so often.

[mommy68]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Do not neglect the internet. Ds chats to people on Runescape all the time. No, they are not friends, so to speak, but they are contact.

He does have online friends through Club Penguin. He likes that site and chats with kids on there. I can monitor it as a parent so I like it too.

Our contact is consistent at this point. We are part of a homeschool group that has basketball and another class he takes each week, on the same day, for two hours, same kids in both classes, all boys. He loves that but still prefers to just mingle in with the group. We also go to a PE class each week that he loves. We went there last year as well so it's familiar to him, all the same people. Again, there's about 15 kids in his age level in that group so he mingles in, has fun, but doesn't do any one-on-one conversating with anyone.

I don't push him to do anything he doesn't want to do with the exception of last year when I put him in basketball and he didn't want to do it. He ended up loving the sport and has become a basketball fanatic!! He plans to play on that same team beginning in a few months. That will be another familiar thing for him, same people, same coaches, all that. Still, other than saying hi to a few kids, he is quiet.

As far as inviting someone over, I could do that. But it seems like I click more with the moms who have younger kids like my 6 yr old. Most moms are busy. For instance, I met a mom last week and she said if I give her my number sometime she will call me. Well, I took the "first" step and wrote down my number and email address and gave it to her. She has emailed me since then and hopefully we can become friends. However, she has all girls and the oldest is 8. Not exactly the type of people for my 13 yr old son to hang with. It seems I always "click" with the moms that have all girls or younger children. Some moms won't even say hello to me that have older children (I look young for my age and am often judged for that).

[mommy68]

Oh and I forgot to mention that the preacher at my dad's church has a daughter that my son really enjoys being around. He goes to that church from time to time but hasn't been in a few months. They like each other as friends only but he hasn't seen her in a couple of months now. I guess I should get him there more often so he can see her. There is also a boy at that church that he likes. But this particular church is not a denomination that I would want to join so the kids only go if they spend the night with grandpa at this point.