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HUGE tensions....

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
this is my first "official post" in this forum, so i will be polite and introduce myself
My name is Dani (of course!) and i am the mother of 4 boys, Logan 11, Kevin(DSS) 11, Kaoni (DDS) 7 and Ethan almost 2 1/2 and of course last but not least, biggest kid of all, DH !

DH and I have been together almost 3 1/2 years, he is pinoy (filipino) and i am white, no big deal right?? not to me our children or our friends... and then there is the MIL (scary music sound effects here). she has hated me since day one for no apparent reason other then i am NOT a good pinay woman. the first time i met her, she looked at my DH and of course in tagalog so that she didn't think that i would understand, said that i was fat!!!! okay i let that slide. fast forward a few years and we're now living with her . it was suppose to be a short term deal, but we're now into our 7th month of this because of financial reasons.

i've noticed in my time here (kinda like a jail sentence) that she is treating our son together differently then she does her other grandchildren. she ignores him, the only time she says anything to him is to give him "trouble" for yet another thing he's doing (you know that being 2 thing) and lets me know that his busyiness is from "MY SIDE". so in other words, anything she deems negetive, must come from me. there is nothing that he can do right in her eyes and this really angers me. i can handle someone being petty and rude with me, but i don't understand how she can be this way with him. i can remember when he was born that she could point out every pysical feature of his being hers, and now she treats him worse then garbage on the street.

i want to know if anyone else has gone through this or something similar because i really don't know how to handle this. i've pretty much come to the conclusion that after we move we're just not going to have anything to do with her because i dont want my son to be subjected to this.
its so bad that when he sees that we're going "home" that he starts saying no, no, no daddy, go shopping and cries . what to do?? i know moving is the obvious solution, but we are dirt poor right now, so any other solutions would be nice to hear.

thanx so much for reading this post, any feedback would be nice.
post #2 of 17
i just wanted to offer a big hug.... I have a scary music MIL as well... and I think culture plays a part in int as well.
post #3 of 17
Oh, gosh. Big hugs for you.

I *like* my MIL, but the 6 mths we lived with her were awful, stressful, miserable. I can't imagine what it would be like if she was so mean to my child.

For one thing, I would say that it is DH's responsibility to deal with his mother. So if the two of you could have a nice long talk somewhere outside of that house and make it abundantly clear how she treats you, perhaps he'll know what to do.

The only other thing I can say is, get out of there as fast as you can!
post #4 of 17
Originally Posted by DaniCalifornia View Post
i want to know if anyone else has gone through this or something similar because i really don't know how to handle this. i've pretty much come to the conclusion that after we move we're just not going to have anything to do with her because i dont want my son to be subjected to this.
its so bad that when he sees that we're going "home" that he starts saying no, no, no daddy, go shopping and cries . what to do?? i know moving is the obvious solution, but we are dirt poor right now, so any other solutions would be nice to hear.

thanx so much for reading this post, any feedback would be nice.
I am SO sorry you're going through this. I wonder if this has something to do not only with the fact that you're not "pinay" (not sure if I spelled that right) but also the fact that your family is blended. Do your kids from a previous relationship live with you as well? How does she treat them?

No one, especially not children, deserves to be treated this way. Not even if you're living in her house. Have you talked to DH about it? Maybe he needs to talk to her and ask her what the problem is.

I'm almost wondering too, because you already have tension to begin with - could part of DS discomfort with her be because of the adult tension? Do you ever make an effort to bring them closer together (maybe get him to do art projects for her or something like that?). I'm not defending her, but perhaps she doesn't feel close to him because of the tension between you, and naturally as mothers we don't tend to try to bridge the gap between our kids and people WE have issues with. I'm also guilty of this. This would take you being the bigger person of course - but it could make a difference.

Also, does she feel that she is appreciated for sharing her home? These little things may go a long way - but I still think that the way she treats you all is unfair and DH needs to speak with her about it. It's not ok for her to focus negativity on your son OR on you.


Please keep us updated, I hope you find a solution to this before you move out. I think it would be better to heal the relationship while you're in such close proximity to make it even better after you move out.

post #5 of 17
Oh Mama, I hear you on the MIL thing. I've not even met my not officially my MIL and I know she doesn't like me and doesn't inquire about how DD is either.

I agree, your DH should stand up to MIL. It is just not right to treat a child that way, and MIL knows it. If DH can't resolve this with MIL or MIL won't cease and desist on the atrocious behavior, then I would find some way to move out. I also agree that ensuring that MIL feels appreciated is vital too in these situations. If you were a good pinoy woman, she would feel appreciated, and it's not really a bad reflection on you that she feels this way. It actually shows her own shortcomings and limitations. Maybe you and the children could be out when DH speaks to MIL and when you return, have a gift (even something as simple as a homemade card) for MIL and ask her if you two may sit together with tea and discuss how to make it a happy home for all involved.

Best wishes and welcome to MDC!
post #6 of 17
Thread Starter 
DH was in great denial about how his mother treated me until of course he got to witness it for himself day in and out. DH is also realizing the hurt, anger and confusion of this for me, because i have never done anything wrong to this woman... although wonderful (NEGETIVE) thoughts have crossed my mind :.
since i am the stay at home mom i do take care of the house and i can tell you that 10 people could be cleaning this house and anything that i do for her is NEVER good enough. she is a control freak, and i think she's not happy unless she's complaining, or making people feel less then dirt. her toilet is leaking water, which has been pointed out more then once by me since DH and i pay HER bills to stay here. one day she called me into the bathroom and told me there was urine on the floor and i was to clean it up. i felt like telling her that i'm not her maid and to do it her damn self. she NEVER says thank you for anything that i do for her, this includes washing her beloved pergo floors on my hands and knees TWICE a day, only to have her blither in tagalog about what a lazy white woman i am.

DH got a wake up call about his mother when her baby DS came to visit with his pinay g/f. his mother treated her like gold, making her favorite meals, showing her around town, PAID for a hotel room for her and her son when they went to a family wedding (which i was NOT invited to by them) i don't drive at all. asked me to GIVE UP my room for their comfort since her DS room only has a single bed in it : i told her that i was NOT giving up MY room so they could do nasty things in MY bed since i with DH and DS.
his mother ignored DH,myself and our son the whole time they were here. the only time that my son was acknowledged at all was if he was acting up to be noticed, and of course it was things that i wouldn't let DS otherwise get away with. DH, son and myself spent the whole time in our room like we weren't even here. when his brother and g/f did leave they planned a family dinner, his sister's family, mom dad my brother inlaw and his g/f, not only were we told about this, we were NOT invited.
when everyone did finally leave i asked DH what it was like to be me... he didn't say a word.

as far as doing anything nice for her, my son will talk to her and try to give her hugs and kisses and she ignores him. he tried to give her a kiss for her b-day and it landed on her butt because she woudn't bend down to acknowlege him, she turned to me laughing and said it was about time someone kissed her there. he has picked wild flowers from the backyard and thrown them out infront of him, and he yells and screams "OH NO MEMAAAAAAAAA BAD, FLOWERS IN GARBAGE CAN" bare in mind my son just turned 2 in june. this is just more to the story of our life with this woman to give people insight as to what she's like. there are pictures of her other grandkids all over the place, and not ONE of my son.

as far as my oldest son goes, she has never met him, thats another very long post. she has never asked when his b-day is, how old he is or anything. i showed her a picture once and she told me he was fat like me. i didn't say a word to her, i walked up to her closet, put on HER pants and walked back down the stairs and looked at her and said i guess we have at least ONE THING in common btw i'm far from fat at a size 8. i have summed her up to be one very unhappy and hateful person, it still doesnt make it any better.
b4 we moved in here i went to the doctor (she is filipino) i told her exactly what i was up against. this was the first time meeting this doctor and she gave me a 3 month supply of heavy duty anti-anxiety meds and said that she always promised herself and her sons that she would never be MY MIL. so i guess this is something that is common, i don;t know. i guess that i wanted to know that i wasn't the only one facing this issue, as it is very sad to me. DS is smart, full of life and crazy wild!!! he is a wonderful baby

for those of you that don't know the difference, pinay is a female, pinoy is a male. don't worry much about the spelling cause i suck too!!!!

DH has decided not to acknowlege her ignorance and has said that he is done when we move. in other words he is choosing his family and happiness over her. this is a HUGE step for him since pinoy boys are USUALLY attached at the hip to their mamas even as adults. as far as the other kids go, they are only here on w/es, we co-parent with his ex-wife, sounds weird, but it works for us!!!
post #7 of 17
What a sad situation. *hugs to you*

If you can't move (is there anyone else you can live with? preferably in another state?) then could you try to stay out of the house most of the day? Go to the park, go to a friend's, anywhere else.

I get the whole "Her? But she's white!" thing, too. I'm hoping that one of DH's unmarried siblings will bring home a real wild one to take the pressure off me. One can hope, right?
post #8 of 17
I'm so sorry you have to live with this poisonous person. Although I think getting cut out is what she deserves, she really needs to hear the truth about what she's doing to you. I really think your DH needs to do that BEFORE you all leave.

Your family is in my prayers, and I'm giving your DS a snuggle from afar. He deserves LOVE, not this silliness from his grandmother.

I also think that although you live with her, that doesn't obligate you to do her bidding. I think it would be useful to look at what she gets in exchange for you living under her roof, you mentioned you pay her bills. Maybe next time she tries to belittle you, you can politely say - "I've cleaned that already today and I don't appreciate being treated that way. We've told you about this toilet leaking - it needs to be fixed. Until then maybe we can each clean it whenever we notice it's leaking" or something like that. I think that even if she doesn't like you, you have an arrangement and she can't disrespect you this way.
post #9 of 17
I am so sorry that you are going through this I have a very controling mil too who lives right behind us. I don't even go in to the back yard because if I do she will be there within 5 min telling me dd is to cold, to hot or something. I am reaching my boiling point with her.....

How much longer will you be living with her? I hope for you that it isn't much longer!

LOVE your name btw! Dh and I are HUGE RHCP fans! Our lo one was born with the cp's playing in the background and our dog is named Kiedis
post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
I am so sorry that you are going through this I have a very controling mil too who lives right behind us. I don't even go in to the back yard because if I do she will be there within 5 min telling me dd is to cold, to hot or something. I am reaching my boiling point with her.....

How much longer will you be living with her? I hope for you that it isn't much longer!

LOVE your name btw! Dh and I are HUGE RHCP fans! Our lo one was born with the cp's playing in the background and our dog is named Kiedis

the name IS from the song, however that's only part of the reason that i picked it. my name is Danielle, although i am called Dani, and of course the fact that i do live in California!!!

as far as your MIL goes, i too hear those comments and just look at her and say if you want more children, have some! i do sometimes stand up for myself, although pick the times EXTREMELY carefully since running away is only going up the stairs

someone gave me a hug from a far for my son that lives in Canada, and my hubby and i call him our "Cana-Pino" since i too am Canadian!!!

i want to thank you all for your hugs and prayers, i do appreciate it and so does my wild man!

as far as knowing when we're moving this is a tough one since the economy SUCKS and its only DH working outside the home. although me being spiteful with my back up against a wall, i do take pride in knowing that it drives her mad having to see my face everyday

she hates the fact that the FIL absolutely loves me and my son, after all i am the one that takes care of the things that he doesn't have time too, or just can't be bothered to do. although i can't see him climbing the fruit trees like i do to get the juicy fruits!

i honestly think that she is doing some of the things that she is to break us apart, and of course we have had our fights, but are still going strong.

i did talk to his ex-wife about this situation because when they were married they moved in to help because of MIL's ailing parents. she said that she went through the same thing that i am now. not that the ex-wife is my best friend, but she did offer me respite from the situation and said that i could stay with her for a week or 2. i may end up taking her up on this since it means that DS will have her baby to play with, and of course get to see his brothers everyday as well. she lives in San Jose, and i know my way around there since we moved from there to come here. i have friends there that know the situation and i'm sure would be more then happy to see me and DS. this only means that DH will have to fend for himself, however he is a big boy and can deal with mommy dearest himself

thank you all so much, i just wish that i knew what i did now, so that i would have had a tougher skin for it.

OH there is a somewhat of a bonus to this situation, DS is only 2 and a few months and i was having a hard time getting off the weight. well, i lost 20 LBS the first month that we were here, and size 18. i am now size 8!!!!!! and smaller then the MIL who thought i was fat

so there are small blessings in this, she won't be calling me fat anymore!
post #11 of 17
I thought my MIL sucked sometimes, but man how can another person treat people so awful all the time. It must be exhausting. I feel so sorry for your son though, never getting kissed by his grandmother, ugh. I would give your son a big kiss if he brought me flowers. So cute btw!

I find myself laying it on the line with my MIL when she stays with us for the summer. I suppose it would be different if I were at her place. But I am not one to hold back a lot. Your DH really needs to step up here. She has no right to treat her blood that way, or you either. If she loves her son at all, she needs to get over herself and learn to spread the love. Thankfully your son is so young like you said, hopefully he will forget it all. You will get out of there eventually, and when you do...You will be that much more grateful and understanding as a human being. You will grow from this experience, don't let her squash your spirit. Kiss your son for me, a million times a day.
post #12 of 17
Respect is a two-way street. What you describe is blatant disrespect and meanness. She has a problem with you and is making your DS a target of that. Which is absolutely unacceptable. You are paying the bills there, so it's not as if you have to take all that she is dishing out. I would have just frankly asked her why she is treating her own grandchild, so little and innocent, so badly. How would she have felt had her mother treated her grandson in the same manner? Just goes to show that even age does not bring wisdom with it, for some people.

I hope you have a good resolution to your situation.
post #13 of 17
Hi Dani, I do feel sorry for your situation but I wonder more about what hasn't been said or addressed than what you are saying.

I'm sure your MIL might be rough and maybe she doesn't even like you. And you are living there, in her home, which doesn't make for a good situation. I wonder if some of her dislike for you might be misdirected and could possibly anger she has with her son.

Like when you said her other "favored" son came to visit with his gf and your MIL was tripping over herself to make everything great for them. It makes me wonder what was her relationship with your DH before you came on the scene. Your MIL might see you as just another dip in a long line of actions/decisions she has with her son.

You can't make her like you if she doesn't like you, that is the down side of it. But you don't have to let her view become your view of yourself. I know this is hard economic times right now but the best thing for everyone involved is to find a way out of your MIL's place ASAP. Maybe stay with friends or your family until this can happen.

And, if you guys can afford it, I suggest marital counseling. The relationships between mothers and sons is one I am only now beginning to parse since I have a DSS. It seems to me that your problem with your MIL isn't yours alone, it's just that your DH refuses to acknowledge his part in it.
post #14 of 17
Thread Starter 
its interesting that you should bring on the other view of the MIL feeling anger, or other feelings towards my DH. DH was terrible with money b4 i came along. DH was like a kid in a candy shop with his money, and i simply looked at him one day (when we were dating) and said: you work so damn hard for your money, why are you so eager to throw it all away??? its like i saw the : finally turn on in his head. ME i am a penny pincher to the end, i have made the queen cry on my pennies i think (Canadian pennies have the queen on them). my DH when we met was making GREAT money, and had NOTHING to show for it. this always made me wonder where his habits came from, then i watched his mother in action. scary watching her throw every bit of money out the door the way she does. i think that she owns more shoes then payless carries. the MIL did talk to me one day about money and told me there was no money to show my DH how to be good to his money. i was thinking to myself that nope you showed him how to get credit, get plastic and go on trips even when there was no money to be doing this... no wonder he's TERRIBLE with his money!
My DH was very good at giving his mother anything that she needed (like the fridge in her kitchen) and even got her such a discount on her beloved car the dealership actually LOST money!
well DH doesn't have that job anymore... in fact when they downsized (firing him after 13 years of work there) the first thing his mother said was: how are you going to work on my car!!! (SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH) when i was more concerned as to where the money was going to come from to FEED our children.
DH is overweight and his mother has never hidden her dislike of this, telling him he's fat, then asking in the same sentence if he wants more food!!! ruthless i saw. i just think she isn't happy unless she's being cruel.
needless to say, when DH and i met, he was picking up the pieces from a messy divorce, and begged borrowed and whatever else he had to do to get money for the things that he needed, or thought he needed.
we owe a LOT of money because of this.... not my bills, but because we're together they are now MY bills.
it hasn't been easy for us, bad credit and all, but the very first thing that i did was took a good look at his pays and decided to to take over and it hasn't been easy for him. we spend on things that we NEED, and this even meant putting off a new bra for me because i didn't want to spend the money on one. in fact i cried when i was sized, and of course saw the price of the damn thing.

so in short, DH isn't handing out money to her the same way he was, and i think she resents me for that. we are living here because we don't have the money to move just yet (i might become a bank robber) but when the time comes were gone!

everyone is right, in short there are a ton of issues here, but she doesn't want to admit her short comings, and is always right. i'm far from perfect and try to admit when i'm wrong as hard as it is. there is no talking to her about the issues, because she is the type of person that thinks she is being attacked (always) and turns everything around on herself and plays a great victim.
DH and i have done a lot of talking about this, since i am in tears every single day.i am completely exhausted and just feel tapped of all life there was once in me. DH spent 4 days off work last week because the only thing that i could do was bawl hysterically about everything that was and is going on. we have decided to take a very long long vacation from her. there will be no visiting, no "family" dinners, no holidays spent together. i've told him that i can't expose myself, let alone our son to such a toxic person, not in the name of "family".
we have to take care of ourselves, and in order to do that, we're going to have to get away from her for good. i know this sounds like we're ignoring the issues, and maybe we are, but you can only do something about the issues if everyone is willing to admit there are issues.

i might also add that her DS and her got along good, (i always told him to get off the teat) because it seemed like her, myself and him were the relationship. she didn't like the fact that i told her that it was OUR relationship, and info was great, but we had to make "our" own decisions, that she wasn't needed for that. her DS told her this as well.
theres another reason to hate me!
post #15 of 17
Your leaving is a good idea. If she is breaking down your self esteem and you are crying every day you aren't an effective mom for your DS. I am sure your son is picking up a negative vibe about your MIL from what you are going through, children --especially young ones-- are very perceptive.

It seems as if your relationship with your DH threatens your MIL's hold on him. You are a good wife in helping him to get a hold of his financial situation -- many people in our society live paycheck to paycheck and finance life on credit cards. If his mother encourages that lifestyle then that is a shame.

I do think it is best to take a long vacation from her, especially to get back on your feet and to create a stronger bond with your DH. I still would advise marital counseling, though. After a while he may want to see her or bring your child around. She is still his mother, even if she is an abusive one. A counselor will give you the skills to deflect her or give you and DH a plan about how to handle visits, phone calls, or money problems. There are counselors who work on a sliding scale or, if you attend church, your minister could be the one who advises you.

But for now, yes, take the vacation. Your reflexes/intuitions are telling you to flee and I would say they are right.
post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 
as dysfunctional as this is, DS and i are going to be going to HIS ex-wife's to stay

being that she has lived with his mother, she knows EXACTLY what i'm going through with her and feels my pain, after all his mother did have an evil grip on their marriage, and i can only imagine how that "helped" things along.

there are huge bonus's to this ground breaking deal though, this will be an equal opportunity for both of us. the ex has a son that is 6 months older then my DS, so i'm thinking playmate bonus's plus it will help to fatten my wallet a bit since she will be paying me to look after him through the day. i am going to be realistic about this, after all i know that i am staying in her home for "free". although she knows about my less then nuerotic cleaning tendencies too
then theres the bonus of seeing my DSS's every single day : and i know that their just going to LOVE the idea of the only one that follows through on anything with them being there everyday

PLUS we moved in with the MIL because we relocated from san jose ca, so i WILL be back on the "old" stomping grounds (YAY). this means that i will have friends around me, and this is the closest thing that i have to family here, i am excited about this. not only that i will be closer to my FAVORITE thrift stores!!!!! :: i can start looking for some cast iron and some other things to replace the more then toxic crap that we have in storage. ohhh theres another thing that i will be doing, going through the storage and downsizing it, keeping the stuff that is needed, and selling, giving away whatever means to get "rid" of the clutter and save $$$$$

the possibilities are making me dizzy with anticipation!!!!

yes it is the "ex" but since i have friends there, i know that i won't be stuck in something i hate. i hate this, despise it really. this may NOT be the solution that i wanted... but at least she is offering her help!!!

thank you all so much for your insight to my problem, i very much felt like i was standing very alone in all of this.

someone commented that my DH might want to visit his mother in the future, well insight on that is, when we lived in san jose, we avoided coming here at all costs. he has said that he doesn't know what has gotten into his mother and when we're gone thats it, he can't be around someone that litterally SUCKS what life you have out of you.

i know this is and was a negetive post, but it is my life and with this "new" revelation maybe things will get better.

when DH and i are on our feet, we will be doing some kinda counselling too, after all we need all the help that we can get to keep our life together happy and HEALTHY.

thank you all so much again.
post #17 of 17
Wow! I am so happy that you are away from MIL!

What an exciting thread to read all at once.

I've had my share of IL problems also blamed on the fact that I was white but we just keep a healthy distance now and we are happy as a family with DH, son and myself.

Best of luck saving up and getting your own place. So tough when you have debt like your DH racked up before meeting you. I hope there is some relief in site for you on that end as well. We were very hard up for a while and I used some techniques from this website http://www.dasvandh.org/Pages/DVProsperityProgram.htm . That, a lot of faith, prayer and gratitude for what we did have and now things are really looking up for us. I wish you twice as much as we have been given. BIG !
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