Long lasting effects of birth trauma.

[tireesix]

And I can't seem to get over it.

Lets see -

Severe intimacy issues with DH due to flash backs and my tear scars still hurt so bad. I just feel totally inept in the bedroom these days, like a failure. I love DH, I fancy DH, but since that first birth, even though I can do the deed, it hasn't been the same, I feel useless.

Relationship issues with DD1. These are easing as time goes by but something still doesn't feel right. I love her so much but am quickly angered by her and don't like to be touched by her.

I don't trust anyone with my genitals anymore, at all. This includes anything to do with sex, contraception, smear tests etc. I have tried, I just can't do it. I have decided that I am going to be sterlised ASAP after this baby and I am also going to ask for a procedure that should stop periods because I can't hack those anymore either.

I just want to be the way I was before. I can keep most of how I feel hidden (except for the sexual stuff with DH) so nobody really knows how I feel, but I just feel wrong.

I went on to have a goodish homebirth with DD2 but nothing will get rid of that first birth. Yeah, I had a healthy DD (and people kept saying I was healthy which I wasn't, came out of that hospital with an infection that wouldn't go away as well PTSD etc), but that doesn't stop the memories, or how I feel.

I can't explain it, I need to erase as much of my reproductive self as possible. I don't mind having boobs (they are small when not so pregnant and fat), but the rest of it can go. I think I will find sex easier if maybe I don't have to think about the risks of pregnancy, if I don't have put up with reproductive cycle issues.

I am desperate to get back to exercising after this baby is born, to eating the way I like to eat so that I can lose these curves.

Is that really so bad?

I have tried talking therapy etc. It hasn't helped. I just want to be the me without the extra bits attached.

[goodcents]

I am so sorry to hear about this, it is clear you are in a lot of pain.

What type of talk therapy did you try? Did you speak with someone who deal specifically with birth issues and/or PTSD?

Have you tried EFT or acupunture?

I had a very difficult time healing from a bad birth experience. It took a tremendous amount of work and required a bunch of different healing modalities over a number of years including acupuncture, art therapy, homepathy, flower essence treatment, two different types of talk therapy (the first didn't do jack, the second form has been essentiall), chiropractic treatments not to mention lots of patience, setbacks, frustrations, and anger.

I will never be able to change the experience, but I have, over time been able to reign in the effect it has had on my day to day life. Blessings and a speedy recovery to you.

[tireesix]

I haven't been able to find anyone to help with PTSD/birth trauma specifically. No one who does CBT will touch me with a barge pole (its a long and complicated story) but, I have found a psychologist who does want to try intensive therapy after this baby is born.

[goodcents]

Look into EMDR or Somatic Experiencing and see if either resonates with you.

If you can, get this book Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine. He developed Somatic Experiencing and the book will really help you both through the process of healing and understanding the technique.

[DanAbimytwomiracle]

I urge you to get as much help as you can. I am sure your oldest knows how you feel, and you want to repair that ASAP for her sake as well as your own. It was not her fault, and she needs you to forgive her. (((hugs)))

[dylan]

Oh, that is so much for you to be dealing with! And your baby too, I'm sure she has her own memories of that experience and the resulting feelings you are struggling with.

Somatic Experiencing is a good thing to look into, and there are practitioners that specialize in prenatal and perinatal psychology (I'm one) that would help you resolve your birth trauma, and also help identify the issues you and your daughter may have originating during that time.

The main thing is that the issues you're describing are not "intellectual" or even "emotional" but are body-based. They triggered the "fight or flight" response in your system and now your body is running on "shock" and in a constant state of protection from threat - real or not.

There is hope, you don't have to just "manage" this! It can be healed, and your relationship with your daughter can shift before it becomes a lifelong relational pattern.

[*Erin*]

im so sorry you are in so much pain from your traumatic experiences. i can relate somewhat, as i had some trauma in my first, and much in my second. i don't have any advice tonight. just sending you commisseration and love. you will be able to heal. and so will i.

[tireesix]

OK, an update:

DD3 was born a week ago, I had planned a homebirth and ended up with a UC, it was pretty fantastic (birth story is somewhere in the birth story bit, DD is called Kara).

Anyway, obviously, a lot of my issues still stand but my belief in my self has improved, I don't know, I feel different.

I have a lot to work on but this last birth is a FANTASTIC endng to my childbearing years lol (I just wish DH could have made it in time lol). I guess I feel kinda reborn. I mean, DD2s homebirth was fine, but this was something else completely............

[AutumnAir]

Oh, I'm so glad for you! That's fantastic! You got your healing birth after trauma! :

[DanishMom]

Wow that is wonderful news. Congratulations.

As a PP recommended "Somatic experiencing" is great. You could do a couple of sessions in order to bring the two very different birthing experiences together and heal from the first birth by using your second birth as your safe space. Sorry: safe space is a bit technical. Google it and it should make sense. If not I'll be happy to explain it.

I suffered from PTDS and PPD for several years. I'm so glad that you are felling better with the birth of your second child.

Anne

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by tireesix

OK, an update:

DD3 was born a week ago, I had planned a homebirth and ended up with a UC, it was pretty fantastic (birth story is somewhere in the birth story bit, DD is called Kara).

Anyway, obviously, a lot of my issues still stand but my belief in my self has improved, I don't know, I feel different.

I have a lot to work on but this last birth is a FANTASTIC endng to my childbearing years lol (I just wish DH could have made it in time lol). I guess I feel kinda reborn. I mean, DD2s homebirth was fine, but this was something else completely............

Oh my goodness!! That is such great news!

As a mama of 3 little ladies myself allow me to welcome you to the club!

[tireesix]

A further update.

My prolapse is slowly healing, its been nearly 6 months.

I decided that I wanted a sterilisation and the Novasure procedure to reduce my periods as much as possible, I am just not comfortable with my feminine parts and decided this was the best way forward. I am ok with my boobs etc, I just can't stand periods etc (for a number of reasons).

I had the procedures yesterday and other than complications due to pain meds I was on (I use pain relief patches that reduce the effectiveness of other opioids), I feel very happy about the decision I have made. I am just glad its over, I feel free.

Obviously it was a very personal, very difficult decision to make, but the right one for me. I am glad my first op was cancelled because it didn't feel right then and I ended up with my 3rd beautiful daughter. This time though, it all felt right and I feel a lot more comfortable with my self all ready, like I can get on with life!

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by tireesix

I haven't been able to find anyone to help with PTSD/birth trauma specifically. No one who does CBT will touch me with a barge pole (its a long and complicated story) but, I have found a psychologist who does want to try intensive therapy after this baby is born.

what about someone who does EMDR? it saved my sanity.