New here

[GloWorm79]

Hello...I'm new here. Here's my dilemma. In High school, I fell in love with an amazing girl. It was magic. Then my life fell apart, we broke up, and I moved far away. We didn't talk for years. I met a guy, we had a baby, got married, and had another. Two boys. Throughout all of this I kept wondering about her, what she was up to, how she was doing...I dreamed about her constantly. Now I can't stop thinking about her. I moved to another state, and my H is still in the other state. We haven't made love since DS #2 was 6 months in the womb (He's 10 months now)and I don't want to. Now that I think about it, I feel like I've been sort of "going through the motions" for ages with him.

Then she called me. Out of the blue. And we've been talking every day for HOURS and HOURS. I feel like we have a psychic bond. She KNEW I was thinking about her, and she found me. I am so incredibly confused about what to do. I love my H, just not sexually. He's my best friend. But I think about her, and I shiver. She wants to visit me and my boys. Help?

Misti
DS #1 11/4/99
DS#2 1/10/03

[robynberkley]

oh wow...I understand how you are feeling Misti...it is tough to feel pulled in two directions. I think first of all you have to think about what keeps you connected and/or disconnected from your husband. That is where you are at currently and you need to address those issues separate from your feelings for this woman. Granted, it is easy to see how they are intertwined, but before you leave your marriage, it is important to identify what does or does not work for you there before you think about jumping to another relationship.

If the issues that has been nagging at you is a strong need to identify with your female attractions, regardless of this woman, and if your relationship with your husband is not satisfying to you, then you need to deal with that. IF the issue is linked perhaps to post-partum issues...maybe depression, decreased sex drive, boredom with your current relationship...then maybe this woman represents something exciting and different which enhances your desire to be with her.

I'm not sure if this helps or makes sense, but one thing I've discovered in my own struggles with being attracted to both men and women is that I have to know where issues with my marriage begin and end, and where issues with my sexual orientation begin and end...sometimes there is overlap, but sometimes the issues are more about what I am feeling about my husband and whether we are truly making each other happy rather than my desires, strong as they may be, to be with a woman.

Does this make sense?

[mehndi mama]

It may also help to remember that this might not have to be an either-or decision. I would urge you to look into Polyamory, and discuss polyamorous philosophy with your DH & friend before making any decisions one way or the other! It could very well be that you have room for both of them in your family circle!

This link here is really good for initiating discussion on the subject:
http://www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm

[GloWorm79]

Well, here's an update...

I've never been one for hiding things from the ones I love. I told my husband about my feelings for Tiffany, and he understood. I also mentioned that I would be open to polyamory, but he said he couldn't do it. For the record, so did she. And honestly, my marriage has felt like a gigantic experiment (that failed) and she and I both feel so strongly for each other. We always have, and it seems like we both needed to go our own paths for six years, but I feel that we are gradually working our ways back to each other. I mean, maybe it's naive of me to think that a high school relationship can be saved, but it just wasn't any relationship. We adored each other, and we still do. I am going back to school (nursing) and she's still in school, so it will be a while until we are able to be together full time, but I feel that we've been apart for six years, we can wait a little longer. I think right now I should focus on finishing college, and live by myself for a while. I think that, as a couple, we will be more fulfilled if we both complete the paths we started, and we will appreciate each other all the more. God knows, I want to go to her right now. But I have two little boys to think about, and my own future.

To relate all this to parenting, does anyone have any advice for telling inlaws? My H's folks are very traditional, and I am concerned about telling them. I hate feeling like this, I mean, I came out in high school to everyone, and now I have to do it all over again. And now there's two little boys in the mix. I need some strategies for dealing with the criticism I know I am in for. And also, what do you tell a 4 year old little boy? I want to be open around him, but I don't know how to go about breaking the news to him....

If you made it this far, I am grateful. Any advice or suggestions would be wonderful....

Misti

[robynberkley]

...I have some thoughts but no time to post right now...I'll get back to you!!!