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what do they call you? - Page 2

post #21 of 66
10/13/08 at 3:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post

I remember a post here from someone who was a stepchild, and they were forced to call their stepmom "MOM" growing up. That only built resentment, since it wasn't natural.

I also naturally disagree with telling a child "don't call me mommy", or "don't call HER mom, she's not your mom", if they feel drawn to use "mom" with their stepmom out of their own choice.
Yes, this is the exact point that the psycologists and social workers were making. And the one spoke from experience, he was forced to call his step-dad "dad" and was resentful, but when his dad remarried his relationship with his stepmother was allowed to develop at its own pace and he eventually bestowed the title of mom onto her as well. Allowing him to decide when she earned it was the important part in his mind and that of the other professionals.
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post #22 of 66
10/13/08 at 3:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post
Yes, this is the exact point that the psycologists and social workers were making. And the one spoke from experience, he was forced to call his step-dad "dad" and was resentful, but when his dad remarried his relationship with his stepmother was allowed to develop at its own pace and he eventually bestowed the title of mom onto her as well. Allowing him to decide when she earned it was the important part in his mind and that of the other professionals.
Interestingly my dss has on several occasions slipped and called me "mom". He always calls attention to it when he does it and I always reassure him that whatever he calls me is fine. The times he has done it have always been after we've spent some quality time together, usually just the two of us working on homework or just hanging out. But what is most funny about my dsc is that at least half the time they refer to their dad by his first name just like my dc do! And we let that slide as well. It's such a huge transition for all of them that we just aren't going to make a big deal over the names.
post #23 of 66
10/13/08 at 4:12pm
My step child ofter referrers to me as mom. The child is not suppose to call me mom as directed by the bio mom and is ONLY suppose to call me on a first name basis. We have often corrected her when the child does call me mom but now at a point were we think the child knows my name but chooses not to use it so we have stopped. I think this maybe because we have other children that call me mom but not sure
post #24 of 66
10/13/08 at 5:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post
That is great Sarah!

I have to agree with Harley half-moon. Why does every other important adult in a child's life get a special name? Give a step-parent a special name and the world falls apart.

In the divorced parent parenting class I had to attend prior to my divorce (county requirement) the psychologists (2 of them) and the social worker all said that if the child decides to bestow the title of mom/mommy/mother/momma, whatever, on the step-parent that is a a wonderful sign of healthy attachment and healthy relationships. All pointed out that really the one that gets hurt or has an issue is the bio parent and that it is an adult issue not a child issue.

I am imagining how aweful it would be, our three year olds running up to Matt yelling together "Daddy, daddy, guess what?" only to be answered with "Sage, call me Matt, I am not your daddy, I'm Madisons."
that is so fantastic that the county you live in REQUIRES divorce therapy/group counceling sessions. my DH wanted to go to post-divorce counceling/parenting sessions with his ex but she refused.
post #25 of 66
10/13/08 at 6:49pm
My step-daughter calls me by a nickname that we made up for me. I came into her life when she was an infant and have lived with her since she was just over a year. I wasn't comfortable with my first name, we knew her mother wouldn't be comfortable with any version of "mom," so we made up our own compromise, which is a nickname that feels "mom-ish" to me but is not actually "mom."

My son (the middle child) goes back and forth between calling me mama and my family nickname, and the second is more often used when his sister is around. The youngest always says mama.

My step-daughter sometimes calls me mom, very occasionally by my first name. If she corrects herself, I just tell her it doesn't matter to me what she calls me, that I know who she is talking about. Likewise, I don't correct my son for using a nickname instead of "mama."

My step-daughter's mom will only call me by my first name, and for a while my step-daughter changed what she called me depending on her audience. It seems like now she calls me by our nickname regardless of who she is talking to.

Confusing enough for you?
post #26 of 66
10/13/08 at 8:23pm
My DSD has always referred to me by my first name only. Now, we do call her each Bonus-mom and Bonus-daughter because we feel so strongly about one another, and it is more than step relationship at this point since I have known her since she was 2yo. kwim

Now, her mother wanted her to call me Miss Sheri when DH and I first started dating, but we never had that. We have always been too close to use any kind of formal term like that. DSD did try to call me "mom" on several occasions, but I gently reminded her that I am Sheri. I really did not want to disrespect her mother in that way at all. I would be very upset if the situation were reversed.

In fact, when her mother starting dating her current DH, she had DSD calling him Mr. "Dave". This created issues when they married because her mother felt it was okay to change his name at that point. She decided that DSD should now refer to him as Daddy "Dave". DSD did not choose this, but she did feel that Mr. was too formal a term and went along with it. DH was not pleased with this at all. It did not help that her mother also wanted to change DSD's last name from ours to her new DH's at the same time. It really felt like she was trying to erase DH from DSD's life in the "on paper" sense.

Anyway, DH had a clear conversation with her mother about how these things were very hurtful. He felt that her mother was clearly disrespecting his relationship with their DD by her actions. She defended them whole-heartedly until DH mentioned that DSD should then refer to me as Mommy Sheri if that is how she felt things should work. That seemed to drive his point home for her. She had DSD stop calling him Daddy "Dave". DSD was then able to come up with her own nickname for him that she felt was appropriate. It is pretty endearing, too. She calls him Fuzzy.
post #27 of 66
10/13/08 at 9:54pm
My stepsons call me Imma (Hebrew for mom). We had a discussion about what they would call me when dh and I got married. We talked about how I wasn't their mom, but we needed a special name for our special relationship.

I opened it up to what they thought, and got some crazy suggestions (they were 4 and 6 at the time). Wigwam stands out as dss2's favorite. So I suggested Imma (pronounced Eema) and it stuck. I love being their Imma, and I think they like having a name that is their own to call me that no one else uses. I'm no one else's Imma!
post #28 of 66
10/15/08 at 10:42am
DSS calls me by my first name, He will also call me "my first name" just like he would my mom and my dad. He seems to get concerned when people call me his mommy, We have talked about it and sometimes I will correct them and say I am his "my first name" or I am his stepmom. Sometimes he will correct them. He is 5. His mom tells him I am his stepmom which means I step in when his mom is not there, this works for him.

A funny story, whenever his little brother my DS asks where his brother is we will say he is at his mommy's house so now DS will say I am going to go to my mommy's house I will say who is your mommy he will say my mommy is (DSS's mom) and I will say who am I he will say "you mama" He is two and loves to do whatever his big brother does.
post #29 of 66
10/16/08 at 11:41am
Ods calls DH by his first name, his bio dad his not in the pic. I recently asked him if he thought he would ever call DH dad and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. Ods does refer to him as "The Dad" to his brother. As in "The Dad is home". Everyone else seems to have adopted a similar title since yds was born: The mom, the brother, the baby...
post #30 of 66
10/16/08 at 11:52am
Quote:
Originally Posted by nutritionistmom View Post
Ods calls DH by his first name, his bio dad his not in the pic. I recently asked him if he thought he would ever call DH dad and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. Ods does refer to him as "The Dad" to his brother. As in "The Dad is home". Everyone else seems to have adopted a similar title since yds was born: The mom, the brother, the baby...
That's funny. DSD refers to her mom and step-dad as "the parents" whenever she is talking about her house there, but she also calls us Dad and Sheri when talking to her mom. She cracks me up whenever I hear that, though.
post #31 of 66
10/16/08 at 12:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ma_vie_en_rose View Post
That's funny. DSD refers to her mom and step-dad as "the parents" whenever she is talking about her house there, but she also calls us Dad and Sheri when talking to her mom. She cracks me up whenever I hear that, though.
DSD calls DH and I "the parents" to refer to both of us, too! Although I'm not sure if this is something that she does just here, or at her mom's house as well.
post #32 of 66
10/21/08 at 6:58pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Sometimes, she does the list: "Mom! I mean...Mrs. Teacher....I mean...PROTOLAWYER!"
my oldest does the list too but its usually 'grandma, auntie, brandon, mama!'

and i was thinking, i do have a stepdadish person myself... its so strange to me thought because hes only 6 years older than me. his name is dan so i call him my step-dan.

my kids have been raised that they can call myself by my first name, the oldest has a history of calling their bio dad by his first name too but has been discouraged since the split, he prefers his authoratative title.
so im kind of happy i can be on that name level with brandon, with us just being brandon and layla to the kids sometimes.

he seems to want his own title but would wait for it. he has good fatherly instincts.
post #33 of 66
10/22/08 at 2:56pm
my oldest dss has always called me by my name, although he does sometimes call me mom or mama which i think is cute. my youngest dss who has only been here three months calls me mom.
post #34 of 66
10/22/08 at 11:17pm
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post #35 of 66
10/25/08 at 1:21pm
I've asked my step daughter and my own daughter to call the steps by their first names b/c I feel that Mom and Dad are special names. I don't want any bio parents to feel that they are being replaced. I've always called my own step mom by her first name, but I think it's okay to have special names for SPs too, to identify the special relationship between steps.
post #36 of 66
10/26/08 at 12:06am
ALL of my children call me mom, or mama.

When dss was 6 he asked me if he could call me mom, I told him he can call me whatever he is comfortable calling me.

So its Mom for all the kids.

I want to add that I am very comfortable with this, I don't feel bad and I would never ask him to call me by my first name.

Just the way we do things around here, we leave it up to the child to feel it out.
post #37 of 66
10/31/08 at 2:27pm
My son calls my husband Daddy. His father has never been involved and my husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years.
post #38 of 66
11/4/08 at 5:38am
I live with my fiance's mother and step father, and the name situation is an odd one. DP's parents split up when he was 3, his mom got with 'J' when he was 5, they married when he was 8. The divorce hit DP hard, he had a lot of resentment about it towards his mom and wound up in counseling for severe anger problems, but he didn't have a problem with J. J was a stay at home dad to my DP while his mom worked. DP calls J by his first name and always has, and all of his friends (including me and my brother) call his mom 'Mom', rather than her name.
Recently DP asked J what he thought of this, if being called dad was something he had wished for or would like, and he said no. To him, 'step-dad' means a person who is stepping in to fulfill the role of father in the child's life, for whatever reason (in this case, 'dad' is not much of a suitable parent), and to leave out the step part would not acknowledge a significant part of their relationship.
I thought that was very sweet, and a very good way to look at things in this situation.
post #39 of 66
11/9/08 at 9:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by poxybat View Post
i call him my step-dan.
I have a "step-dan", too

In our house, DSS calls me FirstName or "mom" and DS1 calls DH FirstName or "dad".

DS2 always calls DH "daddy" (he was only 10 months old when DH and I started dating and his bio-dad has been out of the picture since about then, so DH has been the only daddy in his life.)

Luckily, DH and DSS's mom are both pretty easy-going about the whole name/title issue. The kids just blurt out whatever they want to call us at any given time and we all just roll with it.
I can see both sides of the picture, though. I don't know how I'd feel if the boys called some other woman "mom". It would probably sting a bit. But, honestly, I think I'd just be happy that they liked their step-mom enough to call her "mom".
post #40 of 66
11/10/08 at 8:46pm
Actually, now that I think about it, he doesn't call me anything very often! I've known him since he was 5 and he calls me by my 1st name. Everyone knows that my DD is his sister though!