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what do they call you? - Page 3

post #41 of 66
My stepsons are almost 3 & almost 8. The oldest calls me Jessica or mommy -he has done it a few times around his mom and she gets SO angry) We told him he is allowed to call me whatever he feels comfortable with. The youngest doesnt say much, and its normally "hey you" like it is to everyone else.

It will be interesting to see how things go when they come to visit next time. Since we just had our little girl (she is about 10 months and the hubs has been deployed so they havent stayed with us since she was born) But I wonder how things will go when she is calling me mommy, Ive been curious as to how that will turn out. Guess we will wait and see.
post #42 of 66
On the other side of the coin, my sons call my husband "Poppy" or "Papa" and their bio dad "dad." We've been together awhile though, and it had evolved over the years.
post #43 of 66
Still laughing at the Wigwam suggestion, btw, that is SO cute!!!!!
post #44 of 66
my dsd'd call me susu. when they slip up and call me mom, i laugh and say you silly girls i am the mama here but your mom is your mom. my kids call dp by his first name, and we are very clear that our kids have a mom and a dad who love them very much and the bonus parents are just that, a bonus. my son recently told dp that he was like a father to him, which was very endearing.
my dsd's call their sdad at their moms house 'daddy' at her prompting... i really dont think that it is healthy that she does that as it is confusing to the girls... especially when trying to figure out who was around when in their lives. we handle that situation with disscussion about the biology of parenting.. only two people were there when baby was creatd and those two people are the mom and the dad... the rest of us might love them like parents, but in reality we are not their parents at all. just more grown ups who love them and care about them and who do the mom or dad job at that house. my youngest dsd was convinced from a very early age that i was the mama. she would go to me before she went to either her mom or dad and i felt bad about it for her mom's sake. she still argues that i am the mom, but she is coming to understand that while i love her like a mom, i am really just her sues... i dont need to be called mom to feel the love of them as a mother does and i would hate for exw to feel as though i somehow was undermining her role and position... i also think my exh would feel hurt if his children called my partner dad. i might dislike him as a man and not thiink much of him as a father, but i did choose him to father my children and i guess it is his priviledge to hold the title.
i dont think there is really a right or wrong answer for this, it is different for every family and that is okay.

post #45 of 66
My 2 year old DSS hasn't completely decided what to call me but mostly he calls me by his version of my name, Asian. (My name is Asia.) He started calling me mommy really early on, but his dad felt it was too early and told me just not to answer him unless he called me by my name. It felt weird, but that early on, I thought it was probably best.

Now he tests me. He'll call me Mommy or Mama. Sometimes I don't answer, sometimes I do, not knowing exactly how to react even tho his dad has said he doesn't mind anymore. I asked him once "who's Mommy?" and he said, "You!" He's also told me a couple times now that I'm his Mama and his Mommy is his Mama. I'm quite fascinated by how much he understands at his age. While he says this, he's also said that he's not my son...so he does seem to understand...

Now I'm having a baby who's due in Jan and I'm wondering how that's going to change the dynamic. I really feel uncomfortable not answering to Mommy or Mama, but I'm not sure how his mother would feel and don't want to step on any toes. We have a good relationship and have never had any drama. She even gave me gifts for the baby the first time she saw me after my shower (tho she didnt come).

I really don't see how I could possibly tell him not to call me Mama or Mommy if he sees my son doing it and wants to, too. It will be a journey, but I'm really just letting it flow to see what happens.
post #46 of 66
Oh--I also wanted to mention that I agree with the poster who said something along the lines of stepmoms being MOMS! It's really difficult putting your all into parenting a child, but always having to keep that step back knowing he's not fully yours....I think some special title is in order--whether it's in a different language or a nickname or something! In my case, we see my DSS 3 days a week, nearly half our lives, so to put that much into a child and still just be what a stranger would call you.....just doesn't seem appropriate.
post #47 of 66
I just got married a few weeks ago but my four year old calls my husband nick "nickie poo" most of the time or she will start talking about how special she is to have her dad and her "nickie poo" dad. We just go by her cues and what she wants to call him is ok. She has called him dad before and it was not a big deal but its mostly "nickie poo"
post #48 of 66
I've been in my dss's life since he was 2 1/2, and at the beginning we had lots of issues with this. He would frequently "slip-up" and call me mom, but it would always be in the form of "mom-I-mean-(my name)", and he would also occasionally do it with my husband too ("mom-I-mean-dad"), so to us, it was just an indication that he was adjusting to being at our house after being at his mom's house. Like another poster, the eventual solution was for him to call me "my (my name)" which lasted until a few years ago. Now he just calls me by my first name.
post #49 of 66
I agree. I think it's about control a lot of times too.
I was just thinking about this the other day....See, I call my MIL " Mom." It just comes naturally, she lives a mile away. ( my mom lives 500 miles away) and of course, she is my husbands mom. It doesn't bother my mother to know that. Also, my sons call her Grandma even though she's not their bio grandma. Any other title wouldn't be right though, she is their grandma and will also be to any children their stepdad and I have together.

Interesting topic of conversation....
post #50 of 66
Originally Posted by Fianna View Post

I'm sure that if my exh ever remarries and my dc call their stepmother "Mom" it will sting. So I don't blame biomom for her feelings at all. But I have always been very clear to the kids that I'm not their mom, that they already have a mom, but that I am another parent in their lives and someone who loves them a lot. What they call me just doesn't really matter to me.
THIS is the best attitude I have heard! Congratulations to you for being the adult and putting the best interests of the kids first, no matter whose kids they are!
post #51 of 66
Thanks, BubbeSue. This whole step-parenting journey is filled with "firsts" for me and I feel like I'm trying to navigate a transatlantic journey without a map some days. :-) But when I'm really feeling lost I ask myself one of two things: "What do the KIDS need in this situation?" or "If this were your bio child how would you be responding?" One of those questions usually gets me back on track.

Tonight my dss, who calls me by my first name and who is VERY close to his biomom, has a friend sleeping over at our house. At one point I overheard dss talking to his friend and he said something like, "Hey, Philip, my mom wants us to come play in the front yard!" What a great feeling. Even if he never says it again at least I know that somewhere in his heart he does think of me as another parent in his life and that is just awesome.
post #52 of 66
I can see how it would hurt. I admit that when my ex started dating a new girl and they were encouraging DS to call her "mommy" it pissed me off a bit. But honestly, it is just a title. If DS wants to call her mommy then so be it. I know that as his mother I will never be replaced and he will always have a special love that is just for me. I don't let it bother me at all, in fact if he were to call her mom it would show me that he feels at ease around her and they care for each other and that would make me happy.

I should add that it took me a few years to get to this point because in the beginning it really angered me. But now when I see DS's stepmom hug him and kiss him it makes me smile. He's lucky to have so many people who love and care for him. The more the merrier! Kids thrive on love!
post #53 of 66
they call me Jess. The little boys were 2.5, 4 and 7 when I came into the picture...the older kids were like 15 and 16....they are now 11, 12 15 and 23 and 24.....at no point have I ever been a primary caretaker for the children, their mothers have always had primary custody and my name is what people call me, LOL!
sopmetmes the older ones will call me "my little brother( or sister) 's mom, Jess)
post #54 of 66
I agree w pps who have emphasized the child's comfort being the key to finding a name that fits! TY all.

My DH gets called Dad/ Daddy by dd7yo; Dad directly and first name to others by ds10yo; and first name directly and my Dad, Dad or first name interchangeably to others by ds15yo. My children were never directed or influenced by either of us to sway their choices-- this is intensely personal and has such potential to bless the child and the relationship or to traumatize if forced.

I get called Mommy, or first name by my dsc. My ex-wife-in-law really was hurt and angry that my dsd4yo called me mommy or even step mommy. She imo emotionally abused her dd aggressively over this. My dss9yo was allowed to call me mommy. : It became so hostile that, feeling he was protecting his dc from her wrath, DH started correcting them in our home. We talked about whether that was in their best interest, as it was taken as rejection and discouragement (in my relationship with them) by them, or was it to placate an adult... So they choose, and I think they are bonding better with less pressure. :
post #55 of 66
DD started with calling my Uncle, then my firstt name, then daddy, there was a breif period of Mommy, now it's Papa unless there's no chance of confusion in which case it's Dad.

For me, my first step-mom became mommy then mom pretty quickly. Dad divorced her when I was six, but I still call her mom and don't doubt I would still be calling her mom if my brother hadn't been born. She has and still does play an important part in my life and never tried to tell me "I'm not your mom, I'm you dad's wife" and honestly that would have seriously messed with our relationship.
post #56 of 66
Oh, here's a funny story. Last week Dad was over with his new wife (married just this past summer). Anyway, step-mom starts mothering me to the extreme and I slipped up and called her Mom. She gets a funny look on her face then we both start laughing. A couple of days ago I called her Ma just for the fun of it. Her kids (6 and 14) are still working out what to call my dad. And DD like to call them Aunt and Uncle which they find hilarious, especially the 6 yo. He started this past september claiming he became and uncle over the summer. His teacher and mom had a good laugh over it once the whole situation was explained.

ETA: He also announced that he became an uncle again just a couple of weeks ago.
post #57 of 66
I would be fine with dd calling a stepmother whatever she wants. I would love dd to be surrounded with loving relationships in her life, and if she feels good about her stepmother and feels that she is motherly, all the the better IMO.
post #58 of 66
I was in my SD's life since she was a 9 months old and my husband and I never encouraged her to call me Mom and the first time she did her Dad and I sat down with her and told her that is a special name for her real Mom. We told her she can call me Jes or Jessica and that is what she always called me even after my husband and I had a child.

I think it is disrespectful for children that are not biologically yours to call you Mom/Dad. Except with the bio parent has left the scene. To me it is not about insecurities as it is about respecting the bio parent/s. I agree that that SP's can have and share a great bond and love for the children and vice versus but that does not mean they can be called Mom/Dad. Help the child make up a special name all of your own.

A funny story of my own....my child has HFA(high functioning autism) and after returning home from visitation with his Dad he will call ME Dad a few times that night..lol. It cracks me up. He does the same thing with his Dad and calling him Mom. But my son also calls my by my first name and I'm fine with that as well.
post #59 of 66
Also to add that yeah my dss calls me mom, and his biomom by her first name. But my kids (my dh's dss's) call him Super Dave. they actually think his name is Super Dave. because thats how he introduced himself to them sooo many years ago. After awhile, he was like "you know my real name is just Dave' and they would have none of that, they were like "No your real name is Super Dave".

So ever since then, I am mom, biomom is by her first name and dh is super dave.
post #60 of 66
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
Also to add that yeah my dss calls me mom, and his biomom by her first name. But my kids (my dh's dss's) call him Super Dave. they actually think his name is Super Dave. because thats how he introduced himself to them sooo many years ago. After awhile, he was like "you know my real name is just Dave' and they would have none of that, they were like "No your real name is Super Dave".

So ever since then, I am mom, biomom is by her first name and dh is super dave.

I just wanted to tell you what a kick I get out of your kids calling DH "Super Dave." It's unique and adorable and so endearing!
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