Be honest now...

[RedOakMomma]

...when did the feeling of babysitting someone else's child go away?

(I mean, if you ever had that feeling to begin with.)

I know we and E had a really rough start (HUGE sleep issues, mostly), but she's been home almost four months now and I'm feeling like I suck at being an adoptive mom. She gets on my nerves more easily than my other kids, and I often feel as if I'm just babysitting someone else's one year old. I know it's kind of ugly to say so, but there it is. She is such a challenging, edgy, loud, whining child...and I know where some of that comes from, but on the other hand, when I'm dealing with it day in and day out, it starts to wear on me.

We have our awwww moments, and I have moments where I feel like "that's my girl!"....but then there are the long days when I definitely notice the difference between the emotions I had/have for my bio kids and the emotions I have for her. I had no idea (wow...none) how different the actual adoption experience would feel from all my pre-adoption expectations....even with all the reading and preparation we did. And I didn't think I'd be a person who felt differently about my bio and adopted children, so the huge difference I feel is really unpleasant to me.

I'm trying to stop in the moment and do little mini mantras about how this is the short term, and about how I need to be above it all for a few more months, but sometimes I lose my way and just feel crappy about how things have gone. I feel like she would have done better in a different family, or that we never should have worked toward adoption in the first place. We're completely comitted to making this work for all of us, but four months in I thought there'd be more of an emotional upswing. I'm surprised there isn't, and I still feel like we're slogging through it all.

[Sarahbunny]

Pm'd you.

But also, it might help to envision something you want to do with her when she is older. Even now, when M is whining or needing something that I just don't feel like getting or whatever, I try to think about how fun it will be to take her to Disneyworld. And dance lessons. And Halloween. No matter how much today sucks and she isn't in the mood and neither am I, those things are going to be awesome. Cling to the little things and try to focus on them when you think about her.

It takes time to blend everything together. Don't put pressure on yourself. As long as you are doing everything right by her and by yourself, then you are seriously fine.


Remind me how old she is, Rom...about 15 months? Is that right? I just can't recall.

[queencarr]

I have had this conversation with more than one adoptive Mom, so first, know that you are not alone. I think it started to sink in for me with Connor at about the 6m point; basically the mental shift when he had been with me longer than he had been with anyone else. It also helped that by then we had established our own routines and ways of doing things--I was no longer trying to do things for him "like someone else did", if that makes sense. FWIW, I had much of the same sensations when Jimmy came home after 6w in the NICU. Remembering that was an immense help for me that it would gradually go way. I really think it comes from them already having patterns, routines, preferences, likes, and dislikes already established. With newborn bio kids, you learn those together and mesh better, IMO.

With Isaac, I am not feeling the difference so much; not sure if it is because I could mentally prepare for it, or if his intensity has had that effect. I will say for both boys, (proof)reading the court decree was a huge mental shift as well. I will try to write more later--I need to go book a hotel room for us to finalize Wed. :

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I'm still feeling it - a lot. And yet, there are many days when Grace is so "mine" and I can't imagine that she was ever anywhere else. Our pre-Grace years just seem so close and present and real; and I feel like, often, I'm just more that person than her mom.

I think there must be some kind of PTSD-type thing that happens to us adoptive moms. There's such a HUGE buildup and then, there it is. She's there. And it's not all that great sometimes.

Not only that, but, ROM, you've had a wildly emotional year, more emotional, really than most of us who adopt. I wouldn't exactly be surprised by anything that you feel at this point.

Lots of hugs to you. And, as always, thanks for being the brave one to share how this is just plain hard.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma;12378235 She gets on my nerves more easily than my other kids, and I often feel as if I'm just babysitting someone else's one year old. I know it's kind of ugly to say so, but there it is. She is such a challenging, edgy, [U

loud[/U], whining child...and I know where some of that comes from, but on the other hand, when I'm dealing with it day in and day out, it starts to wear on me.

I had no idea (wow...none) how different the actual adoption experience would feel from all my pre-adoption expectations....even with all the reading and preparation we did. And I didn't think I'd be a person who felt differently about my bio and adopted children, so the huge difference I feel is really unpleasant to me.

I could have written that, except you are way better with words than I am You feel the way I often feel. We are two years in, but have had a VERY rocky time. I just wanted to send a and let you know you are not alone. I hope that very soon you will look back and have forgotten how hard this has been.

[EFmom]

When we received our oldest daughter, she took one look at us and didn't stop screaming, day or night, for two of the longest weeks in recorded history. I had that secret babysitting feeling until she stopped screaming and we started to get to know each other a bit. It took a little while, but once I started seeing a smile occasionally, it was all much better.

Hang in there. It's tough.

[SpringRain]

It did take me 5 full months to feel like ds was MY son. He had serious attachment issues and I had PAD so that also played a big part in our inability to bond right away. I started taking meds when he had been home for 3.5 months and by 5 months home I was finally able to be in a place to meet his needs, which helped him bond with me, which helped me feel closer to him, etc...

There was a good discussion about the "babysitter" feeling on my Ethiopian adoption chat group that might help. (Link) Hang in there. I know it can be a tough transition, especially with bio kids already at home but I truly believe that, in time, you will definitely feel like her mom!

[mamadebug]

We have put our adoption plans on hold, but I wondered if I would feel the feelings you are describing. It was a big question for me, and something I spent a lot of time thinking about. We did a couple of one hour phone sessions with a social worker who specializes in counseling related to adoption issues. She and a partner run a non-profit offering pre and post adoptive classes, workshops and counseling. During one of our sessions, I asked her basically, what if I/We don't really feel like the baby is ours? I am pretty sure she said that it is a normal feeling at first. When you are pregnant, you have months to bond with the child. In adoption, you don't have the benefit of that time. Suddenly, you just have a baby. I also asked her how long it lasts, and when it becomes a problem. I think she told us some vague amount of time (maybe a matter of months) - that part I don't remember exactly. What I do remember is her telling us to be really honest with ourselves, and if my/our gut tells us it is a problem, then we should find some help. She had worked with people for whom those feelings didn't just dissipate over time - they needed support in getting through them. The organization she was a part of offered new parents groups as well as individual counseling. I know that when I had my son (bio son), getting together with a new moms group was so helpful because it gave me a place to verbalize all of my concerns, questions and insecurities. Actually telling other people what was going on, and hearing that I wasn't actually so weird for feeling that way, made it seem much more manageable. I can only imagine that going through that process with adoption related issues and feelings would be helpful as well (for me, at least).


I don't know if that helps, but it is something I have thought a lot about and how it might pertain to our family one day. Thank you for being so honest and bringing up a topic that doesn't seem discussed much, but I suspect a lot of people think about.

[UUMom]

((Sweetie)).

I don't know what to say. I don't want to say nothing.

I PM'd but never did spell check & it was a mess. My kids were calling and I sent with outout proofing or spell -checking. It's hard to concentrate!

But I if you want to chat, pm me. I will try to respond at a time the children are not needy.

[amy9798]

I just wanted to also tell you that you're not alone. I have felt many of the same feelings.We brought home our 8 yr old son 16 months ago and those feelings have 98% gone away now. I was shocked by it at first though. He is also much louder than my bio kids and just different. I didn't anticipate lots of the major and minor personality differences that he would have after growing up in a tiny village, largely unsupervised. There were even some days in the beginning when dh and I were both kind of feeling like "what were we thinking?". But those feelings got less and less as the months went by and now I can honestly say that I feel the same way about him as I do my bio kids and we surely couldn't imagine life without him. Try not to judge yourself and just work on bonding and having fun, positive interactions whenever you can. I also found that making a big effort to be more physically affectionate towards him really helped.

I'm sorry you guys are having a bit of a rough time
Hang in there- it will get better.

[IntlMom]

interesting, I never even thought about it before. After years of fertility issues, we adopted our boys about 10 years ago.....I never even thought about the "babysitting" thing. When I first laid eyes on them, my whole world changed.....as if they had been there forever, and my life didn't ever not have them in it......like the stories I hear about those that give birth......
we're all different, huh?
sorry you're struggling though.....

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by IntlMom

interesting, I never even thought about it before. After years of fertility issues, we adopted our boys about 10 years ago.....I never even thought about the "babysitting" thing. When I first laid eyes on them, my whole world changed.....as if they had been there forever, and my life didn't ever not have them in it......like the stories I hear about those that give birth......
we're all different, huh?
sorry you're struggling though.....

I hesitate to answer, because personality matches are tricky. We know that many bio connections do not work.

But yet so many non- bio conections do.

Temperament is a huge issue wrt parenting!

I relate most to my children who are intense, the ones who have huge needs (as I do). I have a child (bio) who is so easy- going it' s crazy! My child who was gifted to me via adoption is my second worst sleeper. She rarely slept! I had to turn on the blow dryer for white noise for about a year to get her to sleep. My last bio child pretty much *never* slept and had reflux, to boot. It took her nearly two years to sleep through the night (meaning 4 hours at a time). It sucked! lol I hate to remember it.

Sometimes I am like, "who *is* this kid??" (In relation to a bio child). lol

I think people are less likely to be ok with adoption differences than they are with bio differences. You're supposed to be all perfection with bio kids. But it really does not work that way.

Ime. Of course.

[Momily]

DS came home at 16 days old, so he had much less personality than E did at homecoming. He was my first child and if you'd ask me when he was 18 days old I would have said that we bonded "instantly". In retrospect that wasn't true. The truth was much more like infatuation -- I don't know if I would have said it was like babysitting, for me it was more like playing house, lots of fun but not really "real".

For the first few days DS was with me I couldn't let him out of my sight -- it was like if I lost sight of him he might cease to exist, or someone might swoop in and take him back. However, when he was home about 4 days he had a scary medical episode -- my response? To lay down in his crib, make sure he was safe and then walk into the next room so I could talk to the doctor without distraction. Was this logical? Yes, it was. Do mothers who are "bonded" to their children act logically in the fact of life threatening medical issues -- no they act from their heart.

About 6 weeks later we had another, different, medical issue, and the pediatrician sent us to the ER. Again, I was terrified, and this time my response was not to put him down. Logically I should have laid him on the exam table and let the doctors do what they had to do, but they almost had to pry him out of my arms -- putting him down was physically painful. Later on I looked back and realized that that was a difference between being a mom, and playing at being a mom.

I mentioned this to my social worker, and she said something about "trauma" speeding up bonding.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by Momily

About 6 weeks later we had another, different, medical issue, and the pediatrician sent us to the ER. Again, I was terrified, and this time my response was not to put him down. Logically I should have laid him on the exam table and let the doctors do what they had to do, but they almost had to pry him out of my arms -- putting him down was physically painful. Later on I looked back and realized that that was a difference between being a mom, and playing at being a mom.

I mentioned this to my social worker, and she said something about "trauma" speeding up bonding.

Intersting! I can relate!

My a-child had a febrile seizure at 4 mos old. I was stunned, thinking we were both going to die. I had never experienced this before. The baby was convulsing, and I was dying thinking she was dying. Even though I had a car I called a friend to come get us. I wailed into the phone "Oh my god, something is wrong with C!" My friend simply said, "I'm coming!" No questions.

I was waiting outside on the curb when she drove up. She asked about the baby's car seat, and I just cried 'Take us to the ER! l" and I crawled into the back seat. I held her the whole time, my lips on her cheek. She was burning up.

It was horrible, but it was 'just 'a febrile seizure. Still, it remains the most frightening experience of my life with my children.

[IntlMom]

Originally Posted by UUMom

personality matches are tricky.
Temperament is a huge issue wrt parenting!

Oh man, do I ever get this!!!! I love my kiddos with all my heart and soul (all adopted)....but I have one that makes me a crazy lady each and every day! I'm, convinced that he was put into my family simply to torment me...(ok, not really, I know it was all God, but it feels like it sometimes!). We SERIOUSLY do not mesh. Not me, not my hubby, not this child. He is a test of our sanity each and every day. He is one month older than my other son, has ADHD (could be FAE, we'll never know) has sensory issues (orphanage issues) and is out of this world gifted.

[RedOakMomma]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses and support.

I may have made it sound worse than it is, because of the Pms I got a couple people PMed me with very gentle/kind () suggestions that I may be depressed or have PAD. Thank you, first of all, for caring enough and feeling comfortable enough to suggest that. It's definitely part of why this forum means so much to me.

I do feel like I should explain a bit more, though. Yes, we lost James a little over a year ago. Yes, that's huge. That said, I think it's difficult for most parents to understand our grief process. For lots of reasons, really... most parents haven't lost a child, for those that have they all process that loss differently, and most of all--losing a child who had a known life-threatening disease is just different. You're caught off guard, yes, but it's not something you never pictured happening. In some small way, you're prepared.

I feel bad minimizing my grief response to losing James. If I could explain it better I'd be able to say just how sad it's been but how different it's been from "typical"...all without making myself seem callous in some way. When you parent a severely disabled child, you've grown used to loss. You've mourned, and mourned, and mourned. You start to feel more comfortable with mourning, with loss, with trauma. It's not the same as denial. It's just learning the skill of grief. As with any skill, practice affects the next time you use it.

So when James died, we were pretty skilled in grief and trauma. The stress of it, the grief of it, didn't affect us in the ways I think it might have affected someone who wasn't in our shoes. Still, we've been through enough to know that we don't know it all...especially when it comes to the effects of trauma on relationships. We also knew we were planning on bringing another child into our family, a child who would be carrying her own load of grief and trauma. We'd read the literature on attachment, and plenty on how an adult must work through their trauma in order to attach to a child dealing with trauma.

We spent time in therapy (which, after five years, ought to be giving us frequent flyer discounts). We addressed these specific questions and concerns. We held up mirrors to ourselves, big-time, and were repeatedly scrutinized/questioned by our own doctor as well as the social workers involved in our adoption. We worked hard to be ready by the time June came around. I believe we were ready. I believe we are ready.

I don't think I'm/we're immune to PAD or depression, but I'm pretty sure that's not what we're dealing with. We've seen child/stress-related depression before, and worked through it. This feels very different. It's also not similar to the checklists for PAD that I've seen.

We're really not struggling all that much...it's not nearly the grind it was when she came home and sleep was such a mess. It's just that we're still in the (as someone put it ) "fake it 'till you make it" phase, and that surprised me. I wasn't sure if that was normal or not, and our next social worker meeting isn't for a couple of weeks. I just wanted to check in here and ask about others' experiences....see what other people's timelines were, and what helped or didn't help. The other boards I visit don't have as safe of an atmosphere as this one, and I needed a place where I knew I'd get honest, detailed, thoughtful replies.

Thank you for your help. I feel a lot better now, and I have newfound confidence that this will resolve over time. The logical side of me knew that all along, but when you're in the trenches you need to hear it from other people to really believe it, yk?

[queencarr]

She is such a challenging, edgy, loud, whining child...and I know where some of that comes from, but on the other hand, when I'm dealing with it day in and day out, it starts to wear on me.

I have found this for both Connor and Isaac. I think a lot of it is that Jimmy--he's my bio child--is SO very much like me temperament-wise. It is a shock that those loud annoying children that other people have--you know the ones that you gripe about under your breath--are my kids The best thing I can do for me is to remind myself WHY they are likely behaving this way. Connor, while still very different than me, is mellowing a bit with age, although it is still an issue. I am waiting for Isaac's "true" personality to emerge still, but I suspect he is somewhere between Jimmy and Connor. Right now, though, he is clingy, fussy velcro baby and sometimes, frankly, it is suffocating. Even though it doesn't necessarily change their behavior, I think it is okay, even at our baby's young ages, to verbalize what they may be feeling and your reaction. "Isaac, I know you are frustrated and still trying to figure out this whole Mommy thing, but it is NOT okay to slap Mama and scream at me." Even if they don't get the message, it reinforces to me that it is not okay for me to be treated that way (I don't have to take it to promote atachment/bonding) and reminds me of what is going on in his little mind. If I can muster it, I try to follow that with something like "I know you don't understand it yet, but I will always be your Mama and I love you." It is hard to be quite and grumpy, loud, or gruff when saying that

Like so many of the other issues we have talked about, it does get better with time. Ahem, remind me of that a few times a day, okay? Life is still pretty hard around here.

Be easy on yourself and let as much of everything else go as you can until you settle better. I think that things will gradually keep getting better and the relationship will come.

[queencarr]

Oops, forgot to say that you expressed very eloquently your grieving with James--you have such a way of making things come together and make sense. I have talked with several people who had family members in hospice or had a long term illness who have expressed similar. I have heard it described that that person died a little bit everyday, and so by the time death was truly imminent, that they had already done most of their grieving. I am sorry I missed observing the anniversary; I knew it was around this time of year, but could not find where I had recorded the date. I hope it was a peaceful day for you.

[UUMom]

You're wise! As you share experiences and memories together, your bond will grow and grow. It's ok!

[RedOakMomma]

Thanks. Carrie, the anniversary was a beautiful day. It was this amazingly warm September day, actually, and we went to James' favorite beach. The kids played all day, and it was so peaceful. I'm glad the anniversary is over, though...first anniversaries are always the hardest.

I want to say thanks again for all the help. Dh and I went over some of the responses, and we both agreed it's given us new energy and perspective. We were getting kinda bogged down and childish (pouty) about it, and we needed to be reminded of the bigger picture. I think the "fake it 'till you make it" was really helpful, and so was the idea of picturing the future with her, and working in lots of affection (even if it doesn't come from a completely genuine place).

It was also interesting to discuss how personalities sometimes don't mesh, and that's not always an adopted vs. bio thing. If we had another bio child, we could also be dealing with a challenging difference of personality, too. I think adoption makes those differences more likely, but it's nice to think that every child arrives with their own set of quirks and differences, and families need to learn each other along the way.

Carrie, you're totally right...not only is Ds3 a lot like us personality-wise, but we're still waiting for E's true self to work its way out. I mean, she wasn't even laughing until about six weeks ago. She's still on edge, and we can see it. As she loosens up a bit, I think some of that edginess/whining will settle down. Good idea, too, about the "I know you're working out the Mommy thing, but screaming at slapping is not okay"....I get so irritated when she does that!!

One other thing she does, and I'd love opinions on it... she gets angry and she sits down in the middle of the floor and just SCREAMS. Not crying (although sometimes she works herself into that), but just an angry little temper tantrum. Usually it happens after I've taken away something unsafe or told her to stop a behavior. When she does this, I put out my arms and ask her to come to me (always giving her HUGE hugs and comfort when she does come), but sometimes she just wants to be angry, stubborn, and scream. In my gut, it doesn't feel right to reinforce her by going to her while she's doing this. I don't know if I can explain it well, but it seems like she's playing the victim and isolating herself. I want her to know and understand that I'm here, and that when she's upset she should come to me.

What I usually do is sit down about four feet away from her and repeatedly say soothing things, asking her to come to me. She thrashes, screams, and eventually screams/cries, but it can take 10 or 15 minutes for her to come to me. There was one episode last week where she did this for over a half hour...getting angry and screaming at me, but not wanting to come to me. After a half hour, she finally stood up and walked into my arms, and within a minute or two she was soothed and happy.

I don't know if I'm explaining it very well. I just feel like she's drawing a line in the sand. On one side she insists on being alone and feeling angry, and on the other side there's me. I'm trying to reinforce the times that she comes to me for comfort, rather than choosing to sit and scream.

I've never experienced a 13-month old with such raging temper tantrums. Any ideas? Am I going about this the wrong way?