or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › Non-Bio Parent Support Thread
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Non-Bio Parent Support Thread - Page 2

post #21 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by lexbeach View Post
Thanks for offering this perspective. I do think that Lena's use of the word "my" is just her way of owning the experience (of being pregnant, of giving birth, of breastfeeding, of being the one to decide where to put the baby down for a nap).
Reading between the lines, as much as you were careful about language and including Lena for the first three (and I totally believe you), it sounds like your family really has defined different roles for the two of you along biological lines, extending to things that don't necessarily have to do with biology. How does a biology determine who decides how you will put a baby down for a nap?

Maybe some of what is going on for both of you right now is realizing that perhaps both of you deferred much more to the biological distinction between you for the first three than you realized, and now that the tables are turned, you are both finding it looks a lot different from the other side. Maybe Lena is just now starting to realize how much she deferred to you before, and is feeling excited to be more "in charge" of an infancy now that it is "her turn." (again, reading between the lines, it seems like you may have had this distinction previously, by no means is it a given, and I may be misinterpreting).

I was expecting to feel more territorial and "my turn"-ish about my current pregnancy, but have been surprised to find that so far I don't. For us, I think that has a lot to do with how my wife and I really restricted how far the biological distinction between us influenced our parenting roles. To be clear, I'm not saying it's by definition a problem to have such distinctions, and I know plenty of parents around this board do so on purpose, just that I could really imagine if you did have such patterns, it would be more challenging to navigate a switching of who carries (but by no means impossible).

In any case, it seems like you are really paying attention and talking, and that's the most important thing to get your family on solid footing.

--Lyn
post #22 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lyn_ftst View Post
Reading between the lines, as much as you were careful about language and including Lena for the first three (and I totally believe you), it sounds like your family really has defined different roles for the two of you along biological lines, extending to things that don't necessarily have to do with biology. How does a biology determine who decides how you will put a baby down for a nap?
The roles have been defined along biological lines, but not necessarily due to biology itself. I have been obsessed with babies ever since I *was* a baby. I began baby-sitting at age 11 and spent the majority of my free time in my teenage years taking care of babies and toddlers. I fantasized all the time about having my own babies and how I would want to do things. Lena, on the other hand, was never into babies or baby dolls as a kid. When we first started dating, I remember saying something like, "I've always wanted to have at least four kids, what about you?" And she responded, "I've never really thought about it at all." So, we came at parenthood from completely different places. There was no question about who would carry our first baby since Lena had no interest while I was chomping at the bit. As much as I encouraged Lena to become involved with the process (recommending books she might want to read, asking for her opinion re: baby carriers and strollers, or bigger issues like co-sleeping and gentle discipline, etc.), she'd always say something like, "I trust you. Whatever you decide is fine with me." I was also the stay-at-home, breastfeeding mom, so even if we had been equally interested in babies and parenting, I still think I would have been the one to decide how best to put the babies down for a nap, etc. (just because I was the one actually doing it).

As the kids have gotten older, and especially after the older kids were weaned from breastfeeding (zeb is still quite breastfed), our roles became more equal, with no distinction along biological lines. Lena has also become more interested in learning about different parenting approaches, etc. (although she still prefers that I do the actual research and then just report to her, and then we discuss).

When Lena first decided that she wanted to get pregnant (this past summer), it wasn't really clear what her plans were for after the birth. She's always made it clear that she is not stay-at-home mom material (a week of vacation is enough for her), but she does want to stay home for at least a little while with the new baby. It's all still up in the air (dw is a grad. student and will get her MA this spring, and is now contemplating continuing on for a PHD). And I think that's the part that's harder for me, because I'm so identified with my stay-at-home status, and I can't imagine working full-time with a new baby at home, and I don't want to be away from Zeb full-time either (and dw doesn't really feel up to having a new baby and Zeb at home, and I don't want to put Zeb in full-time care). But, of course, if dw decides that she does want to stay home for longer than 6 months or so, I will get a job so that she can do that (we could probably save up enough for 6 months of us both being home, which will be lovely).

It definitely will be more complicated to have her be the pregnant-and-breastfeeding one while I am the "primary" stay-at-home parent. How has that part worked in your family, Lyn?

Lex
post #23 of 57
Lex--

Now that you say more about your situation, I get more why you are feeling a bit at loose ends. This isn't just about finding your space as a non-bio-mom and connecting with this new baby, you guys have a LOT up in the air (school transitions, contemplating going back to work for you, not knowing what's up with leave, etc). That would make anyone nervous. I know it's still super early and you will have time to figure things out, but that is still a lot to be wondering about (and clearly a lot for you and Lena to be thinking through).

Quote:
Originally Posted by lexbeach View Post
It definitely will be more complicated to have her be the pregnant-and-breastfeeding one while I am the "primary" stay-at-home parent. How has that part worked in your family, Lyn?
I'm happy to share how we worked out care, but it really sounds like we're a lot different from you and Lena, who came at parenting from much different starting places. We headed into parenthood equally enthusiastic about all things baby, and both with a desire for pregnancy, though I put that desire on the backburner since Gail is significantly older. If anything, I was *more* enthusiastic about some things than she was (cloth diapers, babywearing, EC...maybe even nursing even though I wasn't doing it).

We were dependent on Gail's job for benefits and income as I was still in grad school, so we exploited my student flexibility for all it was worth, and after both of us took two months home, I did most of Leigh's care for months 2-6 (Gail took about a day home, we had about 1/2 day sitting, and I took 3 1/2 days home). Then the roles reversed second semester, with me taking a day home, and Gail working a part time and doing about 3 1/2 days of care. I then took three more months home after I graduated, and now we each take 1 day per week home, and Leigh is in outside care 3 days per week (that started at 15 months). For us, this is a good balance. We like both having one-on-one time with Leigh, and that either of us is easily able to take over in the other's absence. We like that our 4 day schedules help us set good boundaries at work.

What might be most relevant for you though is what it was like in months 2-6 or the summer I was home with Leigh (months 12-15). I had been worried about being alone with nursing infant, but it actually worked great. Leigh had no trouble going back and forth between bottle and breast, and Gail's supply for pumping held up OK. I was careful to make feedings very slow and cuddly. I wore Leigh a lot. Lots of skin to skin. Mostly, I just did what any mom would do, though I did develop many more soothing options than feeding. I absolutely loved it. I know some folks at MDC might think that this was substandard care, since I was not actually nursing her, but Leigh thrived in my care, and she and Gail were able to maintain a healthy nursing relationship (I think Gail's one day/week home helped with that). So, other than that, I don't know what to say. We found navigating our discrepancies in nursing (which was the extent of the biological distinction in role) to be not as difficult as expected. I feel so lucky to have had that time to bond with Leigh early on. I really think it helped get our family onto solid footing right away, but also, I know not all families have that opportunity. For this baby, our plan is to have Gail to do something similar, with Gail taking on more infant care than I do.

Not sure if that helps at all. Good luck.

--Lyn
post #24 of 57
i am really interested to see the discussion take this turn - i was just thinking in the car today that i should get up here and ask everyone about their roles in care and how that was worked out in your families.

DW and i were both librarians in the same system when she got pregnant. here in canada, you are allowed a year off following the birth of a child while your job is held for you. furthermore, in ontario, the 35 weeks of paid parental leave can be split between two parents. so basically, DW had 17 weeks of paid maternity leave the she had all to herself, and then there were an additional 35 weeks (so 52 weeks leave total) that we could take in any combination between us.

we decided that DW should have that entire year, as the bio mom. so we saved and saved and i managed to take the first 17 weeks off as unpaid leave, and she was able to use all 52 weeks of leave.

we were not a successful breast-feeding family (DW had a BR as a teenager, and a traumatic c-section gave us a baby who refused to latch). DS had to be finger-fed in the hospital after 24 hours of not feeding, and that fell to me. so that bond was formed hard and fast in those first few days. and that was followed by the 4 months at home, figuring out how we wanted to be a family.

at the end of our year, we had to decide who was going to quit and who was going to keep working. our schedules while we were childless were the same, but for both of us to go back to work, we would have had to either go onto opposite schedules (nights and weekends) or find a daycare that would accomodate shift work. so we could either be together as a family two fridays and two sundays a month, or we could spend basically all of one of our salaries to put DS in daycare.

we considered that a no-brainer! and after a lot of discussion, DW decided that she wanted to stay home. so now she is the primary, SAH care of our toddler - who has a MAJOR case of "daddy syndrome" (if you will) for me. his attachment to me has gotten a lot less traumatic, without seeming to really fade in intensity.

it will be interesting to see how things are different with the second (due in may) - i don't think i will have enough money to stay home for as long (even though now i will have access to all the paid leave...), and we are really really hoping for a successful breastfeeding venture this time :

but i am glad to have this thread now, since i somewhat identify with all the WOHMs at work, except that none of them have a lovely DW at home taking care of their DS as a SAHM. so it's kind of the same, but not really at all.
post #25 of 57
our situation is different again - as a side note, i think it's interesting to read all the different dynamics. i carried our son and only had 6 weeks "short term disability" plus 2 weeks of vacation i saved up. as another side note, the short term disability wording cracked me up. i'm originally from the uk where you really do get maternity leave. anyways, i realised during those 8 weeks at home that as a 17 year career woman (in the IT field) that i was not cut out to be a SAHM. i did (and still do) breastfeed and was fortunate to be quite good at it after a few weeks of struggling at the beginning.

our lifesaver is that my company has it's own daycare. it's run by bright horizons but is right there in my building on the ground floor. because of that i was able nurse during the day and since dp's office is across the street, we all travel to work together. we can visit our son whenever we like and the teachers are all wonderful. this set-up works great for us - i even moved a data center 1 week after returning to work and still managed to squeeze in nursing time!!

when dp has the next baby, we will also use my company daycare. we'll start the second parent adoption while she is pregnant so baby will officially be my dependant before dp's leave is over (the daycare staff have already told us they will still hold a spot and will be ok with allowing baby to start even if the official paperwork isn't complete). dp will also breastfeed, either by expressing or coming over to nurse.

we feel we are getting the best of both worlds - continuing to work while being really close to our son.

as another side note, if one of us was to give up work it would be dp, no question. i earn almost double what she does, have an almost guaranteed bonus every year and a great pension scheme.

g
post #26 of 57
Hi other non-bio parents. I'm pretty new to Mothering.com. I am also excited about this thread. Right now my DP Tami and I are waiting to find out if she is pregnant. this is our 6th cycle of trying, spread out over a few years.
The thing I have noticed is with my mom. We do have our issues and she's a little conservative, but she loves Tami very much and refers to her as "my daughter". The thing that bugs is that whenever I try to include her by talking to her about us trying, 90% of the time she gets really awkward and changes the subject, just saying "Oh" or if I'm lucky, "oh, that's nice."
I wonder sometimes if she would be more excited if I was going to be the bio-mom. Tami's mom is soooo excited and asks her about how we're doing, after Tami having a conversation with her making sure she knew that I was also going to be a mom. I'm surious how others have experienced parent issues and how you've dealt with it.
post #27 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizsatisfied View Post
I wonder sometimes if she would be more excited if I was going to be the bio-mom. Tami's mom is soooo excited and asks her about how we're doing, after Tami having a conversation with her making sure she knew that I was also going to be a mom. I'm surious how others have experienced parent issues and how you've dealt with it.
Yup. My mom was generally excited during M's pregnancy, and I think what helped was that I maintained a blog, detailing all the symptoms and stuff like that. Although the pregnancy was not happening to me, I took it upon myself to get in the limelight and talk a lot about what was going on with us as a family in the making. However, my mom always asks me about the possibility of me giving birth. I thought once Noah was here, she would see how great he was, automatically see me as his mom and let issue go. Nope. I don't know what compels her to bug me about it, but I'm hoping that it's the fact that my siblings (straight, partnered) have not yet had any kids of their own. Although it should not matter to her, I happen to have fertility issues that she is well aware of, so that really frustrates me. It not only makes me feel like she is rude, but insensitive too. Thankfully, we don't have tons of contact, and in general she is loving and kind regarding our relationship and our son, but it gets to me. Sorry if I didn't offer much advice. I guess I just wanted to commiserate!
post #28 of 57
I'm reading this thread with great interest....astropeep and I are still TTC, and I guess I'm sort of living in a dreamworld that we're going to make everyone treat me as an equal parent by sheer force of stubborness. (As astropeep will tell you, sheer stubbornness is something I'm really good at! )
post #29 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by fozziebear View Post
I'm sort of living in a dreamworld that we're going to make everyone treat me as an equal parent by sheer force of stubborness.
i think you actually have really hit on something here. i think that a lot of the key to being treated like and considered an equal parent is to act like one. treat the person who might question you as the one who is coming from left field, not the other way around.

there is a subtle difference between acceptance and approval. my dad is fond of reminding me that even though the entirety of my extended family is very accepting of me and lemurmommies and signal, that doesn't necessarily mean that they approve. and i am fond of reminding him back that as long as they accept, i don't care one whit whether they approve or not!

as parents we need to remember not to look for validation of our roles from other people, who might well not at all understand, accept, or approve. we don't need to be validated. we are parents, full and equal. we have earned (or will earn, for all those TTCers) that honour and distinction by waking up every 45 minutes when the LO has a cold, by cleaning up the puke and the snot and the poop, by loving and being loved by our children.
post #30 of 57
Thread Starter 
I definitely think it would have been harder for my mom the first time if I hadn't been the pregnant one, she wouldn't have been quite as excited. Dw's parents weren't terribly excited, but I don't think they would have been if dw was pregnant either (they thought we were too young). They were more excited about the second pregnancy (I think because they already knew what great parents we were ), and were equally excited about dw's pregnancy . . . maybe slightly more than they were about my second pregnancy, but not a huge difference at all (and my mom was way more excited about dw being pregnant than she would have been about my being pregnant for a third time; she does not want me to get pregnant again).

I know that, as a mom, I would love to have a pregnant daughter, and it would be maybe a little bit harder to have a pregnant daughter-in-law (depending on the DIL, I suppose). So I can totally understand why moms would be more excited about their daughters being pregnant than by their daughters-in-law being pregnant. But, in our experience, the non-bio extended family has been completely and totally excited about and in love with the actual babies once they are born.

I think it did take a while for people to see dw as an equal mother to our first babies (who I carried). I think I probably didn't even see her as an equal mother at first. And she didn't necessarily FEEL like an equal mother in the beginning either. But our situation is maybe different from most in that I was really the driving force behind our first two pregnancies, so we didn't go into them with equal desire to be mothers, at all. I think it took a couple of years before dw really felt like an equal mother to our twins, and there were probably some people who took that long to see her as one.

I hope that since we've already been established as "the mothers," it won't be as hard for people to see me as an equal mother to the baby Lena gives birth to. But even just writing that I sort of felt like, "but I won't BE an equal mother at first . . ." so, I don't know. I mean, I certainly don't feel like an equal mother right now, while dw is feeling awful and puking and napping, and I'm just feeling fine. Pregnancy is a very lonely experience, and I don't think any two people (straight or gay) can really experience one pregnancy equally. And perhaps the same can be said for the initial postpartum period.

Lex
post #31 of 57
Interesting thoughts here. I was just discussing with M yesterday that, when we are together with Noah, the one who is holding him is assumed to be the mom. I think this comes down to society in general, and the fact that people are always trying to find ways to put each other in boxes. You can kinda see the thought processes that go on when we are out and about. People see a baby, and two women of about the same age. The women don't look alike, so they can't be sisters. Well, maybe they are sisters even though they don't look alike since they are acting so close and friendly. Oh, ok, yeah, they must be sisters and that baby must belong to one of them. Well, the one holding him must be the mom.
I understand, I really, really do. But it also is frustrating and tiring sometimes. I love being a mother, and I love so much about our lives, but I still get annoyed by the fact that it rarely occurs to anyone that we are a couple and we are coparenting our son. Before we had a kid, it bugged me that people seemed oblivious to the fact that we were a couple, but I didn't really harp on it. But now it just seems so much more important that people know our relationship to each other. I guess I'm just sick of being a novelty! I'm happy to explain my life to people (and I do, all the time) but I can't even describe how much nicer it is when someone assumes that we are a couple and that Noah is our son.
What kind of nice experiences have you all had? I need some heartwarming stories.
post #32 of 57
Thread Starter 
Well we live in a very queer friendly area. We are never the only lesbian moms on the sidewalk at any given time. So, when we are together with the kids, people usually assume that we are both the moms (my mom always worries that people will think that she and I are a couple when we're out and about without dw, lol). I think in general two women walking closely together are probably more likely to be assumed to be a couple than anything else (sister, friends) around here. Of course, when I'm *alone* with the kids, people often still assume that there's a husband somewhere. We're not that evolved.

It was a really nice thing about having twins the first time, we each had a baby to wear in a sling around town, and we got equal recognition from the public at large. I don't even notice the attention that I get with a baby strapped to me anymore (because it's been so constant for the last 5.5 years), but dw definitely appreciates that she gets a different energy from passersby if she's the one wearing the baby/pushing the stroller.

Lex
post #33 of 57
Hi non-bio moms,
Help please? My wife and I are trying to get pregnant (with frozen swimmers, she's carrying) and we're disagreeing on the plan. She wants at home, no doctors (which we've been trying for a while -2yrs) and I want her to go to the doctor and have some tests run. I get that it's her body and she should be able to choose, but this is my family and will be my child as well... shouldn't I have some say? What do you guys do if you disagree when it comes to baby carrying decisions? Does she get veto power because it's her body? Do you get a vote as the other parent of child-to-be?
We talk about this all the time but have come to a point where she is stubbornly saying she doesn't want to go and I am stubbornly saying that she should.
What to do?
I guess I sort of feel like going to the doctor would magically make things happen, which I know logically isn't necessarily the case... but I'm tired of taking it slow a waiting, you know? I get frustrated and want to switch to trying with me carrying, even though we've thought this out for years and both want Heather to carry first for the reasons that you guys are talking about with extended family as well as thinking that Heather had the greater desire to be pregnant and bf...
People keep suggesting to us that we try for fresh instead of frozen, which I would love to do, but Heather is weirded out by it (and we don't know anyone to ask) so we pay for expensive frozen and keep trying... I feel like every day is a bit of a struggle over what Heather eats, or if she exercises, and I don't want to see these things as signs that she's not really trying, and I don't want to pressure her so much, but I just get so frustrated and feel like I'm not allowed to have any input at all.
(thanks for letting me vent)
post #34 of 57
i do think you should have a say in deciding to have your partner checked out by a doctor. typically i think this would happen prior to two whole years of trying. i think you have to try to encourage your wife to go to the doctor, especially since it could increases her pregnancy chances. i think it should be both of your decisions. my partner and i are just starting now and we try to make decisions together. it gets harder for things like eating and exercising though. just because you would eat differently and exercise more, doesn't mean your wife will feel the same way. i just try to get us both to the gym together and try to make healthy meals. it is hard though to know you may do things differently, but you have to understand that you are different people. what works for you may not work for her and it doesn't necessarily mean she's less into getting pregnant. i think you need to work on the doc visit more than the other little things. perhaps she is scared of something?
i hope it all works out for you!
post #35 of 57
Thanks Wazzmum,
We actually did have a big talk about it and she told me exactly that, that she terrified of going to the doctor. Her dad died young (40) and they didn't know anything was wrong until he went to the doctor and was wisked away to surgery for colon cancer at 35.
We'll keep talking about it and hopefully get in to the doctor together sometime soon.
Thanks again!
post #36 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by osker View Post
Hi non-bio moms,
Help please? My wife and I are trying to get pregnant (with frozen swimmers, she's carrying) and we're disagreeing on the plan. She wants at home, no doctors (which we've been trying for a while -2yrs) and I want her to go to the doctor and have some tests run. I get that it's her body and she should be able to choose, but this is my family and will be my child as well... shouldn't I have some say? What do you guys do if you disagree when it comes to baby carrying decisions? Does she get veto power because it's her body? Do you get a vote as the other parent of child-to-be?
It definitely sounds like a trip to the doctor would be a good idea if you've been trying for two years. Normally it's recommended to get "checked out" after 12 months of unsuccessful ttc (I am assuming you've tried at least that many times during the two years of trying, if not, maybe you guys could agree to wait until after try #12). If your dw is afraid of going to the doctor, I wonder if perhaps she has some underlying fear issues that might need to be resolved before she should get pregnant anyway. Just because, during pregnancy, you really need to have the ability to trust your body and trust your caregivers.

I definitely think that every woman ultimately gets to decide what happens to her body, but I think it would be reasonable in this case that if your dw is deciding that she doesn't want to take the next step and go to the doctor then it makes sense that you should consider switching and trying with your uterus for a while.

This all came up for us a little bit because we only had the one last vial of our donor's sperm for dw to try with. It was not a HUGE deal, we would have happily kept trying with a new donor if we weren't successful on the first try, but it made sense to us that we do everything we could--within reason--to increase our chances of getting pregnant on the first try. I guess the part where we disagreed was what "within reason" meant. Dw had previously been diagnosed with PCOS, so we both thought it was reasonable that she get bloodwork and u/s done before ttc, just to see if she was really ovulating, etc. I also thought that it would make sense for dw to take something (like clomid or femara) to increase her chances of pregnancy. She disagreed and said she didn't want to take anything. Ultimately, we compromised by having her do a monitored cycle (with u/s) and a trigger shot, to get as close to perfect timing as we could. So, if it were MY body, I would have taken clomid or something, but in the end it was up to dw and she decided not to (and, clearly, she made the right choice ).

Quote:
Originally Posted by osker
I feel like every day is a bit of a struggle over what Heather eats, or if she exercises, and I don't want to see these things as signs that she's not really trying, and I don't want to pressure her so much, but I just get so frustrated and feel like I'm not allowed to have any input at all.
(thanks for letting me vent)
I can see how that would be really hard, to feel like your wife is making choices that indicate she's not trying her hardest. We dealt with this a little bit too because dw wanted to keeping drinking (alcohol, caffeine, etc.) right up until we put the sperm in. She wasn't consuming a huge amount or anything, but when we were ttc with my uterus, I cut those things out months ahead of time to increase my fertility. I ended up choosing not to fight that battle because I didn't want to make dw into the obsessive-ttcer that I was, and I just didn't want my role to be "the food police" or whatever. I did try to make especially healthy meals and make sure that dw was eating enough . . . I treated her like she was already pregnant. It made me feel like I was doing my part in making the baby.

HTH!

Lex
post #37 of 57
my dp was a little resistant to all the testing and doing it far ahead of time for ttc'ing #2. there was some question of her being hypothyroid and so after much discussion (and me trying NOT to be the ttc police!) she finally agreed. in the end it was a GOOD thing because we found multiple issues that would have prevented her from even getting pregnant and some that would have caused complications when pregnant.

i don't think what you are asking for is unreasonable. if there is something wrong, even if it's a very bad thing, it's better to know so it can be treated. in our case, undiagnosed hypothyroidism can cause heart disease.

good luck!
g

edited to add dp's list of issues (with no obvious signs of anything being wrong): hashimoto's thyroiditis (hypothyroidism - can cause heart disease, annovulatory cycles, m/c and birth defects), factor v leiden hetero (blood clotting disorder that can cause m/c and blood clots post partum), mthfr hetero A1298C (b vitamin absorption disorder that can cause neural tube defects). the hypothyroidism caused annovulatory cycles but if we hadn't been tracking we wouldn't have known.
post #38 of 57
Hey K! It's hard for me to relate completely because I am the lazy one in our relationship and M is always reminding me about doctor's appointments. Anyway, we headed the medical route after 3 at-home tries primarily because of money, and sort of because it was really tough to go through the tww each time. It also helped that our friends had been trying longer than us, and were not successful until they saw a fertility doc. We used frozen and it was just too expensive to keep trying at home, not knowing for sure if we had our timing right. Of course, there is no guarantee that a fertility doc can make the magic happen, but we figured it was worth a shot. We ended up doing what lexbeach and her wife did (monitored cycle (with u/s) and a trigger shot) and it worked for us on the first try. Unfortunately, I don't know what advice to give about getting H into doctor mode. I have to say, we went to an all-female practice and everyone was super nice, so maybe you could look into the kind of practice that would make H feel comfortable. Another thing I'm thinking is that, I recognize that H is worried about her life based on her father's death, but it doesn't seem fair to use that as a reason to not see a fertility doctor. I mean, she's willing to have a child despite the concerns, but not willing to see a doctor first. I do think that going to a fertility doc can seem like you are giving up the reins, but sometimes that's a good thing. The end result everyone wants is a kid. Has she ever said what might make her go to a doctor? Can you get her to go by saying you've tried it X way for 2 years, now can we try it Z way for some period of time? Hmm.
post #39 of 57

new to site

hi all! i'm new to this site. my partner is on here so i thought i would check it out. we just found a kd. we will be ttc in a few months. dp has some issues with her cycle and i have been gently reminding her that she needs to follow through on some blood work that was ordered by the doc to figure out what is going on with her. I will be the non-bio parent. I have 2 adult children and she has a 6yr old son from a previous relationship so this will be our first baby together. i know there will be differences for me this time around but i am excited for them. i am very excited to have a pregnant partner that i can spoil and treat like a goddess (not that i don't do that now). i know that she will be the pcg as she is a sahm currently and will continue to be that. i work fulltime and will continue to do so after the baby comes. i am going to take some parental leave though so i can spend some quality time with my family. as far as outside influences go, i don't care. my family is my family. i have been out for 18 yrs. i have gotten more looks walking into the women's bathroom than i could ever count. i have been called sir more times than i can count. i know who i am and i like who i am. it took me alot of years to figure that out and now that i have, i really don't care what other people think or perceive about who i am or what my role is. i know, my dp knows, my kids know, and anyone else in my life that matters knows. i stopped explaining my lie to people a long time ago. now it is what it is. i talk about my dp at work since day one at my job as anyone would talk about their signiicant other. i don't make a big deal out of it and it isn't a big deal. it just is and when my co worker talks about his wife, it just is. when dp and i conceive and i share the news with my co-workers and friends and family, i know it will be joyous and congratulatory all around. i guess my advice is don't look to others to validate your role. figure out what your role is and live it proudly regardless of others looks, words, or actions. iown your role strongly. no one can cause inferior feelings within you without your consent.
post #40 of 57
Wanted to stop in and say hey!

Non-bio mom to two year old whirlwind of chaos and magic. Expecting our second in January.

:
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Queer Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › Non-Bio Parent Support Thread