Can't cope.

[ktbug]

I feel a lot of resentment and jealousy lately. Honestly I didn't come around here for a month or so, because while I value the community and the outpouring of support I've received from you guys, I get so mad and sad when I see anything relating to babies or toddlers (really, parents and children in general). I can't pass the playground without a breakdown. I can't go to the coffeeshop without a blindfold.

I no longer communicate with close friends that have children, because I can't take it. As much as I need their wisdom and strength, I can't talk to them without secretly hating them because their lives are intact.

Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems. I look at my group of friends, at my peers, and everyone else did what they were "supposed" to do, and now they have the lives they're "supposed" to have. My husband and I followed our hearts and our big dreams, failed miserably, found each other, and by some miracle were blessed with a beautiful son who was ripped from our arms after just 20 months on this earth.

It'll be 6 months he's been gone. It seems like it's just getting worse. I recently found out I'm having infertility issues due to endometriosis, and I can't afford the copay for the laparoscopy that the doc says would give me a small window where conception might be possible.
MIGHT be possible?! We didn't even TRY to have Lucas; he just came! Now we start trying, and we CAN'T??

I will never know why he had a brain tumor, how it got there in the first place, or why the doctors couldn't save him even though his type of tumor was one of the most survivable. I will never live another day without wondering what the hell happened to him, and what my role in his demise truly was.

On cleaning days, we'll be going through stuff and we'll come across a remnant of what our life used to be like. A toy, an object he used to like to play with, a piece of clothing we didn't pack up. It seems like a million years ago, like a dream. We find these little pieces of a life that we used to have - he was OUR LIFE, and one day, poof, he was gone. What do we do now?

I go to work, and stagger through, and I slip out the back door or into the bathroom every hour or so, and just let a few tears out, because they come whether I'm in public or not. I've been trying to meditate, to be Zen about it, but it's too raw. I've asked for peace in my heart, and I'm not finding it. There are not enough drugs in the world to make this stop hurting.

I'm like this every day. I don't see an end.

[Shonahsmom]

Oh dear sweet mama. I don't know how you can feel anything but what you are feeling. It sucks so bad. It is so horrifically unfair. There's really nothing I can say. I just wanted to tell you you've been heard.

[calpurnia]

I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say

[frog]

kt, you remain in my prayers.

[minsca]

kt. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts go your way.

[BaBaBa]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

[doula jbw]

No words just prayers....................

[Keria]

Praying for you.

[babygrant]

A million 's. I am so sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[angelachristin]

oh ktbug. I can't believe it has been 6 months. I still don't know what to say, and the reason is that as you know, there are no words. only tears. i'm so, so, so sorry.

[InchByInch]

Sending you hugs and prayers...

[starlein26]

Oh sweet Katie. You are absolutely not a failure, I just know that. And you are actually coping, you're still here, you're still reaching out. I'm sending you a million hugs. This pain is agonizing and will most likely be endless. People say that it lessens some with time. I'm really, really sorry Katie.

[shayinme]

[chaoticzenmom]

What happened to you, your husband and Lucas was not fair. I can't imagine a reason for it or anything good to come of it. He was such a precious child.

I do think that you're going to have to forgive yourself for whatever you think that you may have done wrong. You have to talk, talk, talk with your husband so that you both grieve together.

[alegna]

I've been thinking of you. Know that your sweet Lucas touched many lives.

-Angela

[swimswamswum]

There aren't enough s mama. I am so sorry.

[katheek77]

kt, I still think of you and Lucas often. Please take care of yourself.

[meemee]

oh katie. i am lost for words too. all i have is deep sadness in my heart.

can you join a support group of bereaved parents. from the hospital perhaps. please katie you cant do this alone. you cannot recover from deep pain just by yourself. we are human beings. we are meant to depend on others - not just hang in there by ourselves.

and reading between the lines it seems there is also a greater issue that goes far deeper than just lucas. you are also greiving (this is my guess) abandonment issues - how everything precious seems to be taken away from you. like you said "Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems." ... followed your heart and failed (but found dh)... then you have a sweet little boy who loves putting two paci's in his mouth and he gets ripped away and now trying to heal there is a question if you will ever get pregnant again. one after the other.

in its due time meditation and zen will help - but now it seems you just need someone to cry with. someone who understands your pain.

this pain has the power to draw you down and destroy you. are you going to allow it? are you going to let it drag you down so deep that no one will be able to get you out of it. what do you think lucas will want?

hugs mama. i cannot even fathom your pain. but you are a strong mama for having watched your son die. but i just cant imagine you doing this alone.

[avivaelona]

I think you are expecting too much of yourself right now mama Nothing about losing a beloved child is "normal" but the feelings you are having are so common and so much part of having had such an enormous loss. I know they feel awful but there is nothing wrong with you. Please don't be upset with yourself about what you feel.

I agree that perhaps a berevement group can help, just knowing that there are others feeling the same thing. If you can't face an in person one, SHARE and MISS are online organizations that have boards like this one, with others who have lost children. They were my lifeline in those early days after my loss. 6 months is such a short time, if you are breathing and eating enough to survive and making it to work at all you are coping as well as can be expected, be gentle with yourself, it will eventually be bearable. You'll never stop missing him but it won't always feel this way.

Lucas

[ellemnop]

*hugs*

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

There's nothing that I can say to make this any better for you, but I want you to know that I read your story, and that I'm sending you big hugs and good thoughts.

Take care,
El