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Can't cope. - Page 2

post #21 of 147
kt, I think about you every day and remember your sweet boy. even though we never communicated directly on MDC, I know your screenname well. I loved your vaccination posts, etc. and I check on you from time to time to see if there are any new posts and wonder how you are doing. I think on MDC we feel a kinship as mothers regardless of if we've even spoken IRL.

My heart is breaking in half for you and your family. I have no words, no explanation, and my own confusion as to why this happens in the world.
Not sure if its appropriate, but if you are comfortable sharing how much the co-pay is, I am interested in donating some money to you to help you reach that goal. Maybe some other MDC mamas would be interested as well.

I also agree to be gentle with yourself. You did everything you could do. You are a proactive mama in everyway, which not only benefitted Lucas but also mamas like me that learned from your knowledge. I imagine all the what ifs are overwhelming. Sometimes horrific unfair stuff happens regardless of what we do. I do not believe you had any "role in his demise." You had a role in nurturing, enjoying, and loving that baby more than some kids get in a whole long life.

Anyhow, I said I have no words and then I went ahead and said some stuff anyhow. If its totally wrong, forgive me. My heart is in the right place and I just want so desperately to reach out to you.

post #22 of 147
huge huge hugs to you. I just had our six months as our boys died just 15 days apart.

we are here for you. crying with you.

eta just realized Lucas was what 14 months old? that would be difficult. I'm SO sorry. he is GORGEOUS!! cutie pie.

hugs again.
post #23 of 147

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
post #24 of 147
I'm sorry just so incredibly sorry. What you are going through is unbearable and I don't know how anyone could handle it well (whatever that means). I think of you often. There's so much I wish I could express to you.....
post #25 of 147

I think about you often, even though we've never actually "known" each other on MDC. I'm so sorry for all the pain you feel and all you've been through. Lucas was such a beautiful boy. It's just unbelievable that he left this world so young.

Six months is a short time. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to function very well if I were in your shoes.

Please go easy on yourself.
post #26 of 147
I know it seems like it's been forever since you lost your precious baby, but six months really has been a very sort time in the grief process. I just want to let you know what you are feeling is very common.

The first year after my daughter died, I didn't think I was going to make it.
Sometimes I felt like I was numb and in fog, and other times it felt like it like she had just died.

It's okay to be angry and feel you've been cheated, because you have. It's okay to cry, and even scream. It's better to get your feelings out than holding them in. Trying to be calm and zen-like is fine for normal circumstances, but this is not normal for you. We found we had to create a "new normal" which would be much different than it was before Courtney died.

Meditating did and has helped me, but I don't try to be calm or to empty my mind. I just sit quietly and let my mind wander. Sometimes there are memories that bring tears, but that's fine. My memories are precious to me.

I did a lot of journaling and now I can look back at my words and see how far I've come.

I started a scrapbook about Courtney's death and now 8 years, her story is still continuing. I thought it too would end, but new things keep coming that go into her book... stories, cards, memories.

As far as your ability to have other children, remember, doctor's don't know everything. We lost our first child, Patrick, in the 21st week of pregnancy and then were told we couldn't have anymore children, and the doctor actually told us to find something else to do with our lives.

But a year and 3 weeks after Patrick was due, Christopher was born and is now 27 years old with a family of his own. Courtney arrived 3 years later.

Never give up hope. Doctors don't determine if a child will come into your life, I completely believe that babies decide if they will come into our lives.

Keep talking, writing, sharing, and remembering. It often takes re-living the loss over and over again to find the ability to cope and deal with the death.

You will never get over it, closure is something that never happens, but you will get better at handling it.

Blessings, and I'm so sorry for your loss.


Originally Posted by ktbug View Post
I feel a lot of resentment and jealousy lately. Honestly I didn't come around here for a month or so, because while I value the community and the outpouring of support I've received from you guys, I get so mad and sad when I see anything relating to babies or toddlers (really, parents and children in general). I can't pass the playground without a breakdown. I can't go to the coffeeshop without a blindfold.

I no longer communicate with close friends that have children, because I can't take it. As much as I need their wisdom and strength, I can't talk to them without secretly hating them because their lives are intact.

Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems. I look at my group of friends, at my peers, and everyone else did what they were "supposed" to do, and now they have the lives they're "supposed" to have. My husband and I followed our hearts and our big dreams, failed miserably, found each other, and by some miracle were blessed with a beautiful son who was ripped from our arms after just 20 months on this earth.

It'll be 6 months he's been gone. It seems like it's just getting worse. I recently found out I'm having infertility issues due to endometriosis, and I can't afford the copay for the laparoscopy that the doc says would give me a small window where conception might be possible.
MIGHT be possible?! We didn't even TRY to have Lucas; he just came! Now we start trying, and we CAN'T??

I will never know why he had a brain tumor, how it got there in the first place, or why the doctors couldn't save him even though his type of tumor was one of the most survivable. I will never live another day without wondering what the hell happened to him, and what my role in his demise truly was.

On cleaning days, we'll be going through stuff and we'll come across a remnant of what our life used to be like. A toy, an object he used to like to play with, a piece of clothing we didn't pack up. It seems like a million years ago, like a dream. We find these little pieces of a life that we used to have - he was OUR LIFE, and one day, poof, he was gone. What do we do now?

I go to work, and stagger through, and I slip out the back door or into the bathroom every hour or so, and just let a few tears out, because they come whether I'm in public or not. I've been trying to meditate, to be Zen about it, but it's too raw. I've asked for peace in my heart, and I'm not finding it. There are not enough drugs in the world to make this stop hurting.

I'm like this every day. I don't see an end.
post #27 of 147
Katie, i think of you often. i wish i could say something to make this all make sense and to make this all ok. obviously, i don't. but please know that you are not alone. you will make it thru. ((HUGS))
post #28 of 147
: My heart aches for you. Like PPs, I don't know what to say--there are no words, just prayers.
post #29 of 147
post #30 of 147
I think your you and your sweet son often. Even when you are going through your grief you found a way to reach out to me when I needed it. You are a strong woman. I couldn't imagine losing one of my babies. I wish I could take it all away.
post #31 of 147

You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with yourself
post #32 of 147
my heart is absolutely broken for you and I wish I could take some of the pain on myself for you. I am so sorry and I think you are more powerful and strong than you know to have made it this far, going to work, surviving. I have no words except to say that my friend lost her son to sids at 11 months and she does have some happiness in her life now, 2 years later, and I hope you will too someday. I believe you will.

I really think there should be some way they can help you pay for the treatment for the endo, maybe a payment plan or something???
post #33 of 147
Originally Posted by Cuddlebaby View Post
huge huge hugs to you. I just had our six months as our boys died just 15 days apart.

we are here for you. crying with you.

eta just realized Lucas was what 14 months old? that would be difficult. I'm SO sorry. he is GORGEOUS!! cutie pie.

hugs again.
Huge hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #34 of 147
I'm sorry the only thing I can offer is a virtual hug.

I hope you find peace
post #35 of 147
post #36 of 147
I just don't know what to say.
post #37 of 147
Like many others here, I've been so incredibly moved by your loss that it brings me to tears. I can only imagine what you are going through, but know that there are many of us who think of you and your family and wish you peace and continued healing...

post #38 of 147
I'm in tears for you.
post #39 of 147
There is so much I want to say, but nothing I can say will make it any better, I know that.
I won't tell you that "time heals everything" , but I can tell you that it will get better. Of course you will never -forget-, and that is important, why would you want to, he is still part of who you are, part of your life.
You don't have to -get over it- or forget,don't let anyone tell you that,it would be the worst thing to do.
I think it helps to accept loss as just another stop in the journey, but not the end. I know it is hard.
Do you believe in God at all?
I find a lot of strength in God.
Are there support groups you can join?
There is a book called "the knitting circle" , i don't know who wrote it, but the main character is a mother who lost her child to meningitis. She learns how to knit to keep her thoughts from wandering. Maybe you can find a new hobby, something to learn in a group?
Knitting and sewing keeps your hands busy, maybe you can make a quilt out of lucas clothing, as a way of remembering him. Maybe this is too painfull, I don't know, people deal different with loss, I have never lost a child, and i can not even imagine ever having to go through what you went through ( & are still going through) , I can only offer my support , I am here if you want to talk, or just cry, scream, let go.
We will keep your family in our thoughts and prayers.

post #40 of 147
I'm so sorry. I think about you and Lucas a lot. I hope that you can find peace.
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