Deciding on openness... - Page 2

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by swd12422

And then there's the awkwardness of a meeting with bmom at some point. Do we just risk having it be awful and awkward and possibly hurtful, and then help him sort through it later? Or do we avoid it altogether? It seems like it'd be near impossible to have a relationship with the family but not bmom.

Of course, this is something that is not going to be set in stone, you know? I mean, you're going to have to, even if you decide yea or nay on contact, also be open to things changing. Even, with the pain (and, for me, it is real, raw pain), I'd still choose openness, because, as a pp said, it's more love for your little one. More love is a good thing.

[Sarahbunny]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

I don't really think it's a big deal if you were to say it. And, I don't know, maybe she wouldn't want the fact of her adoption being the constant and consistent reply to every compliment. I guess "thanks" is all right, but, if she does look like you, why not just admit it?

This morning I mentioned to Grace's great-grandmother that Grace's feet are just like dh's, in that they're very narrow and difficult to fit. Grace's grandmother responded, "Well, you know, A's were like that last time I remember." It was, yet again, a kind of jab. Fine then, her bmom had/has narrow feet. Well, so does dh. And, so, they're alike. No point, really, in denying that or belaboring the very insignificant moment with yet another mention of Grace's adoption. Can't a kid have narrow feet without having to be subjected to a further reminder of something that might be kind of painful?




Well, you can't change people's ideas about the nature of adoption (as charity) by reminding them that your child actually doesn't really look like you. In fact, I don't know that it should really be our mission, as adoptive parents, to change anyone's ideas about it by using our kids as soap boxes. KWIM? Who cares if people are grasping at ways to show that they think your daughter seems right at home with your family?



I guess y'all can file that in the FWIW column.

That's why I said that it depends on who is saying that she looks like me. No, I do not bring her adoption up to every single person I meet, like I am waving a banner. The fact is, though, that people DO bring it up in a way that tells me they are trying to make me feel better about having to "just" adopt, and I am going to tell them that yes, she looks like me, but also looks like C. I am speaking only of people who are well aware that she is adopted and make it clear to me that no one should ever know that she is.

I have no idea why you think that I am on a soapbox about M's adoption and frankly, I'm offended that you think so. I do not parade her around with some sort of marking, but I have been around adoption/adoptees long enough to know that not every comment is meant to be innocent and kind. Maybe I didn't give a clear enough example. When someone says to me that M is now Caucasian because I am her mother and dh is her father, then no - they aren't saying it to be kind. They are saying it to try to hide the fact that she is 1) latina/arabic and 2) adopted. I know the person who said it and what their intention is.

She's 2. When she is older (And I do know the time is coming), I will let her handle comments about our similiarities or we will talk about it after the fact or before or whatever. We will share that smile that my mom and I did when people said it to us. For now, I handle it in the way that is appropriate to the situation.

[Thandiwe]

I just wanted to send ((((hugs)))) to you. This isn't an easy subject to approach, or an easy solution to find. For us, our FD appeared to be an open/close TPR case. Except that our state was recently involved in a major lawsuit which drastically changed the way cases are handled around here. As such, parents are given more rights/opportunities than in the past. Our TPR was halted midway through.

As such, we were preparing for adoption and now we're bracing for the long-haul. It's been interesting; I've kept my door/phone open to the extended family for contact, and yet they don't take me up on it. There's a lot of hatred towards me in the family (it was a fictive kin placement; I knew mom and maternal family for 15 years prior). Because I'm advocating for the baby, the family has taken this understanding that I'm fighting against them. There's a lot of maturity issues in the family, and the entire family is inappropriate (hence she was never placed in their care by DHS). So we struggle against them, though that's never been my intention. Lots of head games and drama.

I think a lot of the times when TPR occurs contested (esp in our case where the entire ext family contests and feels that the parents are flawless), things get heated by leaving the door open. I have a lot to consider for myself. I've been in regular communication with our licensing worker who was a foster care worker prior. She's given me lots to think about before leaving the door wide open. I think the pp's were right in stating that there's a wide variation in "open." For us, if we're blessed enough to keep her, we will keep "open" fairly snug at first and gradually loosen the reins.

In my case, I'm out on a limb. It's kind of all or nothing. Either we get to keep her or we'll lose her forever (the family is that mad at me - as if I'm the one who called DHS or removed her or filed for TPR - I guess someone has to take the blame, and I'm the easiest target). Sorry to hijack. Just venting.

Once again, I hope you'll take the time to consider all your options and consider the varying shades of open.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by Sarahbunny

I have no idea why you think that I am on a soapbox about M's adoption and frankly, I'm offended that you think so.

I'm really sorry. I totally did not mean to be offensive. And I didn't mean, or say, YOU were on a soapbox. I was really speaking generally, about how easy it can be for those of us with special situations to become crusaders at, sometimes, the expense of our kids.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by lamamax3

We will strive from the first day to make sure that he does not spend his toddler and childhood years searching for someone who is not truly there.

Please take this in the gentle way it's intended...but despite your efforts you don't have control over how your child will feel, or how they will long and how strongly they will long for their birth family. A closed adoption will not save you from that. (though an open adoption won't either.)

[Sarahbunny]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

I'm really sorry. I totally did not mean to be offensive. And I didn't mean, or say, YOU were on a soapbox. I was really speaking generally, about how easy it can be for those of us with special situations to become crusaders at, sometimes, the expense of our kids.

Thank you Wendy - perhaps I read too much into your post and was feeling defensive. I appreciate your clarification.

Also, Tigerchild is very correct in her post and I agree 100%. I couldn't come up with the words, so thank you Kitty for posting what I was thinking as well.