need info quickly- viewing (baby death mentioned)

[KayleeZoo]

i'm attending the viewing of a friend's baby (stillborn, 40wks) later today. i'm not sure what the ettiquette (sp?) involves; how long do you stand looking at the body? do you say anything to anyone? is it appropriate to bring a sympathy card now, or do i mail it later? any do's or don'ts? all of a sudden i'm feeling really anxious and want to make sure i don't do anything wrong, today of all days. tia to anyone who can offer input

[BethSLP]

I think everyone deals with it differently. I would look as long as you feel you want to. I think its OK to say how beautiful the baby is or who she/he looks like etc. Mostly, I would just support that parents with a hug. I don't know there's anything you can say. Just let them know you are there. Maybe you could ask if there is anything you can do for them (like get them a drink, a chair, a tissue, etc.)

I haven't lost a child or have a close friend who has. But the birth loss people might be able to give you more insight. Most of what I hear is that they want to talk about their babies, but a lot of people are uncomfortable doing so. So maybe just listen and follow their lead....

If you do a card, I'd probably mail it later. One less thing for the grieving family to have to manage/remember to take.

XOXO
B

[KayleeZoo]

thanks beth, i appreciate your reply. i'm going to save the card and just see if there is anything i can do right then. hopefully having people be there to show support will help in some small way.

[minsca]

I second what Beth said. Everyone grieves differently so try to watch for clues. I would say that they want people to notice how beautiful their baby is, and definetly want people to come. It is really healing to have people come to a service or a viewing.

[HeatherHeather]

My best friend lost a baby last year. At their viewing, the baby didn't spend any time in the casket. People were holding the baby the entire time. I just wanted you to be prepared that that might happen and think about if you want to hold their baby or not.
There is nothing you can say. Just being there will let them know you care. Don't ever make any "at least" comments--at least you can have another baby--at least you have each other--at least you have other children, etc.
Do tell them you are so sorry for their loss. Do tell them that you don't know what to say. Do tell them that there are no words. Do use their baby's name.

I'll be thinking of your friends.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by HeatherHeather

My best friend lost a baby last year. At their viewing, the baby didn't spend any time in the casket. People were holding the baby the entire time. I just wanted you to be prepared that that might happen and think about if you want to hold their baby or not.
.

That is really beautiful.

[KayleeZoo]

Thank you all for your replies.

It was really hard. I hung back a bit and the mom (my friend) beckoned me up- the parents stood by the casket the whole time. I did tell her that I didn't have anything to say, but that I was there for her, and hugged her. I did say how beautiful the baby was, and asked if she looked anything like either of her brothers had as newborns. I do think they got a lot of comfort from people being there, and looking at the baby and talking about her. The baby's big brothers (they are 4 and 2) stood by the casket the entire time, touching her and talking to her. It was heartbreaking.

It was hard for the people there, but I cannot imagine what the parents are going through. A few of us (we're all friends from church) are going to make sure that we keep calling, dropping by with a treat for her boys, etc. every week and keep talking about the baby, so that she knows that Joycelyn isn't forgotten.

Thanks again for all the help, I really appreciate it.