NOT looking forward to holidays with ILs

[witchygrrl]

While DH is totally on-board with bf'ing, his folks are a formula-only crowd. He honestly doesn't like spending time with them anyway, and likes my folks better. But see them we must.

I was asked Monday by a family friend of theirs if I thought bfing on demand was "a pain in the neck." I said no, it wasn't, though I wished I had continued on with more info. I did shock my MIL when I told her that I walked through Macy's with my baby in a sling breastfeeding She seems okay with it, but there's a hesitation in her because she formula fed my DH. I think she was told that he was "too big" or something for her to possibly feed. Ah, the lies and misinformation!

Anyway, I'm not usually very quick with the retorts, and DH has promised to help me, so long as he's awake enough But are there any suggestions?

[Rev1053]

I honestly wouldnt retort... I guess I am passive in that sense. But really whats the point arguing with your MIL? or any of your in-laws? Are they going to change their minds? Are they going to BF any kids any time soon?
I would say that this is the decision that WE made for our daughter. Then leave it at that... No point in starting a discussion on BFing.

I am not nursing my son much anymore but even when I was nursing I never really argued the point. I just nursed him.

[CEVmommy]

My DH and his sister were exclusively formula fed, but my ILs haven't really been that bad about my BF at all. Sometimes they are "curious", but they don't really seem too judgemental actually. Sometimes it helps to talk about how we know things now that they didn't know back when MIL was raising her kids and how much baby-raising has changed since then. I think it helps to separate their choices from mine in time like that. We relate it to the different recommendations now for back sleeping and things like that besides just the BF issue to broaden the discussion on not give BF the stigma of "the" different thing.

[KristyDi]

If the general attitude is like your MIL's (a bit shocked and hesitant, but not rude) I'd just gently mention a few benefits of BF and that you're happy with your choice and continue nursing your LO as usual. Maybe the first few times choose a less high traffic, but not hidden, area to kind of ease them into it or not, whatever you're comfortable with.

I generally try to allow people their surprise and hesitation gracefully as long as they don't attack me. BF is new to many people and we know breasts are so sexualized in our culture. I think some uncomfortableness is normal while people adjust. If I can gently educate them and show them how normal feeding a child at the breast is by just doing what we do everyday, then I think that does a lot more to promote a healthy attitude toward bf than witty biting retorts,

Now if they're rude and demand you hide that's a whole other ball of wax.

[witchygrrl]

Yeah, my MIL I can deal with--it's her family I'm not sure of. They may just talk about how disgusting or weird we are behind our backs, as they did after our pagan wedding. Or they may say something and ask that I leave the table if Rhea needs to eat. I have no idea--I just want to be prepared.

[MadameXCupcake]

When we go to see my husbands family its my MIL, the grandparents, great grandma, and MIL two teenage sons, and I think MIL boyfriend[?] Lots of people in one house.

Last time I went I was at the table eating some crackers and my daughter got hungry so I started nursing her.. Within two minutes everyone somehow snuck away and left me alone and everyone avoided the room like the plague. I heard someone say "oh she's in there with her boob out" Another time they took pictures of me to show what I was doing to the rest of the family.
My husband was outside hitting his brother with a stick or looking at the veggie garden or something, I have no clue. I was alone with them laughing and taking pictures. I told my husband who later called them and his grandma was like "oh,babies have a right to eat and thats the best food" I was so upset because my husband didn't see it and then she was saying how awesome nursing was after they picked on me!! Plus you have all the little comments and faces.

My MIL and my youngest BIL really dont mind though, infact he asks questions about BF and home birth!

[limabean]

Originally Posted by witchygrrl

Yeah, my MIL I can deal with--it's her family I'm not sure of. They may just talk about how disgusting or weird we are behind our backs, as they did after our pagan wedding. Or they may say something and ask that I leave the table if Rhea needs to eat. I have no idea--I just want to be prepared.

If they ask you to leave the table, I'd just say, "That's okay -- we're fine here." and if they insist, I'd leave ... but I'd leave the house, not just the table. You mentioned that your DH would back you up, so I'm assuming he'd be okay with that if they were being that blatantly rude to you. I'm sorry you have to deal with that during the holidays.

[pastelsummer]

answer with a short yet NICE answer and then pass the bean dip. (change the subject) I have to do this with my family as they think I should have weaned dd by now

[listipton]

Originally Posted by witchygrrl

While DH is totally on-board with bf'ing, his folks are a formula-only crowd. He honestly doesn't like spending time with them anyway, and likes my folks better. But see them we must.

I was asked Monday by a family friend of theirs if I thought bfing on demand was "a pain in the neck." I said no, it wasn't, though I wished I had continued on with more info. I did shock my MIL when I told her that I walked through Macy's with my baby in a sling breastfeeding She seems okay with it, but there's a hesitation in her because she formula fed my DH. I think she was told that he was "too big" or something for her to possibly feed. Ah, the lies and misinformation!

Anyway, I'm not usually very quick with the retorts, and DH has promised to help me, so long as he's awake enough But are there any suggestions?

My IL's and family are the same way. When I was still nursing dd, I would go into another room, mainly b/c I just didn't want to deal with his family and I wasn't very confident about nursing. This time around I don't think I'm going to be so "closeted" since I'm much more confident about my parenting decisions (we are also raising family eyebrows by using cloth diapers and leaving our ds intact- I'm kind of hoping that those "crunchy behaviors" will be the focus this time and bf-ing will seem totally normal). If anyone asks if you "really intend on feeding her here??" you could smile nicely and say "yes- I want her to be with her family" If they are mean about it- I'd wake dh up and leave. nicely.

[elanorh]

Assume that they mean well - that they just don't get it.

That will help a TON. Because if you answer questions in a friendly, "I didn't realize this either, but X is the case" sort of way, then you are far more likely to help them get on board and supportive of you, than if you automatically assume that they're being defensive or judgmental.

Don't hesitate to invoke the Big Guns. By that, I mean the AAP recommendation of a minimum of 1 year bf, and the Family Physicians' recommendation of 2 years bf. "Oh, our Pediatrician is so proud of us, he loves to see a happy breastfed baby!!" Etc. It's hard for them to argue with an authority figure like that.

And, realize that there is likely to be some guilt over MIL's situation (or she may feel defensive) - I think it's best to give a pass and use phrases like, "Doctors know so much more now" etc. so that she realizes that this decision wasn't made to consciously judge the decision she made/had made for her, with her own children.

You and dh should probably talk about what responses ought to be, to anticipated questions (i.e., but what does dh do for baby if he can't feed her?) .... So dh can say, "Oh, I snuggle her and play with her, I give her bath, I wear her on walks, etc."

You may need to explain some things that they just don't know, realizing that some of their questions/requests are based on bad info about how milk supplies work, etc. ("Actually it'd take far more time for me to pump and clean the pump etc., than to just nurse her now here." "Actually, one bottle of formula can impact supply for the mother or cause mastitis or plugged ducts, this is easier and better for both of us.").

There's an assumption that bf is hard work -- letting them know that it's easy, helps a lot I think.

FWIW, my family are entrenched breastfeeders. DH's mother was a LLL Leader, but the rest of his family switches quickly to ffing so I did brace myself for IL gatherings -- but never had a problem, ever, even while nursing 2 year olds in front of them.

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by witchygrrl

Anyway, I'm not usually very quick with the retorts, and DH has promised to help me, so long as he's awake enough But are there any suggestions?

Rather than retorting, just be matter-of-fact about it. Feed your babe, don't bother covering, smile, converse, ask them to "please pass" whatever munchies are around. And if they ask things in a rude manner, pretend that they're 5 years old and explain things to them in as sweet, and nurturing manner as you can!

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by witchygrrl

Yeah, my MIL I can deal with--it's her family I'm not sure of. They may just talk about how disgusting or weird we are behind our backs, as they did after our pagan wedding. Or they may say something and ask that I leave the table if Rhea needs to eat. I have no idea--I just want to be prepared.

If they ask you to leave, say "Thanks for thinking of us, we're fine here though, really!"

[witchygrrl]

I'm just so used to my family being so supportive of bf'ing. I think I was the only one in the family who was ff'd!

As for leaving the house if it gets too bad, it'll have to be extremely bad since the ILs live 5 hours away. I figure if they're all trying to be nice, then I can be nice about it, but if they're snarky, I can't guarantee my continuing to be nice. What I would love is for DH to make sure MIL and FIL are okay if we end up bf'ing at the table, as it is their house, and to support us in staying, too, if anyone else starts making stupid commentary.

[TopHat]

I had this same issue- with my own parents, though. My IL's are great about it (in fact my MIL told her sons that one of the requirements in looking for a wife is that she'll breastfeed- which actually offended some of the future DILs).

I went out to see my parents in July- with just me and my babe.I was nervous because my DH was staying behind and I'd be outnumbered. I made a backup plan "just in case" they asked me to go BF in a bedroom- to walk across the street and nurse at the library where I knew my rights were protected (plus my parents live in IL where the BFing laws have teeth so I felt very secure).

I even looked up when the local LLL met- to see if there were any meetings I could go to for some support and for a break from my parent's uptightness. I did get to go to a meeting, which was great. I : LLL.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised- they didn't say anything. Sure, they were weird and nervous when I was breastfeeding, but I didn't have to go to the library. I hope you get pleasantly surprised, too.